Self-Help Groups – A Word of Inspiration & a Word of Caution to a Popular Suggestion in Recovery
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 24
- 6 min read
For nearly 14 years, I've helped individuals navigate the complex landscape of addiction in order to achieve recovery. Nicknamed "The Casual Counselor", my approach is unconventional, but undeniably effective.
His name was Dave. I won’t share his last name, but it’s a matter of public record, so it doesn’t really matter. Dave was, at one time, an absolute pillar in the world of recovery in the Boston self-help community. He was a professional, practicing lawyer, very successful, and also the owner of 3 recovery houses for newly sober men and women, down-and-out users with no place left to turn.
Dave would speak at meetings as if he were on some kind of professional speaking tour. As if it were a circuit. He wasn’t paid for these gigs, he did it to share his “experience, strength, and hope” to the newcomer in the room, in order to let them know that he, once a down & out user in his own right, had worked his recovery program, and over years, through hard work and God’s grace, had ascended to remarkable heights of personal and professional success.
He had a literal following. 50 people? 100? Whenever Dave came to speak at an AA Meeting, it would be a standing-room-only affair. He always wore a suit and tie, his hair perfectly coiffed. He was handsome, he was charming, and, man, was he a hell of a speaker! I mean, this guy was good; he’d have you eating out of the palm of his hand. Laughing with him, crying with him, and hanging onto every word of his remarkable story of how he had crawled from the hypothetical gutter of active addiction to one of spiritual fitness, freedom, and fantastic success.
What an orator! He could’ve been a motivational speaker. I suppose, in essence, he was one of a sort.
When the evidence came out that Dave was committing sexual crimes against his house residents and supplying them with illicit substances, inviting them to his private residence for weekend long orgies, and allowing them to remain in his sober homes as long as they supplied him with a “ sexual favor” if they couldn’t afford that month’s rent, it sent ripples through the recovery community.
Not Dave! It couldn’t be! Oh, it is.
See, Dave was handsome, successful, well-dressed, and a talented talker, but underneath that shiny veneer, he was really just a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He was a predator. His prey? Some of the most vulnerable and at-risk men and women were fast running out of options and fast approaching death’s doorstep. Thank goodness for Dave, though, as he would always step up to be their last bastion of hope. A savior in times when all other hope was lost.
You could always count on Dave to step in and save the day, and do everything in his power to help save their lives.
At least, that was the mythology of this predator. His character was carefully and impressively curated, hence his veritable army of followers who would travel sometimes hundreds of miles to come to hear him preach from the pulpit at a meeting in some far-away city. Even after the evidence went public, his law license was revoked, and he was put behind bars, many of his acolytes went straight into denial mode. “Nuh-uh! Not Dave!”, all the while with the evidence staring back at them, hidden in plain sight.
He had been busted cold, and he paid the price for his transgressions, but the traumatized countless newcomers along his years-long span of predation is a number in the hundreds, likely.
Listen, when you walk into a self-help group, any self-help group, you’re not going to encounter the healthiest cross-section of people you’re ever going to meet. What led them into those church basements to begin with? There are myriad answers, but the overarching theme is simply described as prolific trauma. People in self-help groups have been abused, neglected, exploited, and harmed in every which way since Tuesday, many of them for decades, and since childhood.
What is simultaneously true is that you are going to encounter some tremendously healthy people in the rooms of self-help groups. Those who are taking recovery seriously, working a program, and working it for real. The interesting thing is this: they are not the ones typically preaching from the pulpit (see: Dave, for reference). They are usually the quieter voices in the room, but there are some features that can help you distinguish who they might be they tend to be the ones who are always there, week after week, and the ones who show up early to help set up the room, putting the chairs out, making the coffee, greeting the attendees who enter the room before the meeting begins, then staying after to put everything away, and to attend the business meetings. That sort of thing.
They are not the ones on some kind of self-made speaking tour. They show up as they are, but they show up every time, all the time. The thing is, they can be a little harder to access in terms of “getting to know”, as they are often well-versed in boundaries and caution, and they are not the type to immediately jump right into a friendship or mentorship with someone they just met. They are going to take the time, sometimes a long time, to get a read on the newcomer. To see if this person is taking this recovery thing for real, or if they are instead using it as a means to just find some kind of social outlet, or meet a mate, or find someone selling products. Yeah, you’ll find dealers in those rooms, too.
I’ve met men with decades of sobriety whose primary motivation, under the guise of “support”, is to fuck the pretty newcomer. That’s not recovery. That’s predation. See, it’s not about the quantity of time that a person has amassed in sobriety that tells the story of their well-being, or lack thereof; it’s about the quality of time. I’ve met people with just a couple of months of sobriety in meetings who have something I want! A motivation within them that is downright inspiring.
I’ve also met people with 30 years of sobriety who I wouldn’t trust with a cup of coffee.
Like any other community in this world, a self-help group is going to be a mixed bag of varying personalities, but may we never forget what brought them, or ourselves, into those church basements to begin with trauma, loss, pain, mental illness, abuse, addiction, the list goes on and on. Anyone can put down a substance or a bottle and never pick it up again, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to radically change them on the inside.
The work of recovery? That’s the inside job. That’s where the rubber hits the road, and where you witness someone who was once so unwell truly start to change, and change for the better. Becoming healthier, in all aspects of their lives. To the ones who never do the inside work, well, don’t be surprised if you don’t see a lot of change within their character or their motives by virtue of them just being dry.
I call it “emotional sobriety”. To the ones who do the hard work of seeking emotional sobriety, I salute you. To the ones who don’t? You make your choices and live with those choices, but a self-help group should always be a safe space for people who are trying to save their own lives with the assistance of others, and not to be preyed upon by those with evil motives, to satisfy their lust, greed, or domination over others.
Unfortunately, wherever you find humans, you’re going to find people with motives like those. The good news is: amidst any group, you’re also going to find people who will drop everything they’re doing to be of service, in healthy and appropriate ways, to the newcomer walking through those doors for the very first time.
Remember, if it doesn’t feel right, it’s usually because it ain’t. Trust that little voice. Your gut. Your intuition.
I met Dave many years ago at an AA meeting, and I walked away feeling like, “there’s something not right about that guy.”
Turns out.
Read more from Joshua Bennett-Johnson
Joshua Bennett-Johnson, Licensed Addictions Therapist
After working for 7 years in an amazing clinic, I launched into private practice in 2018. I love my job. I can say that without reservation. Watching people rebuild their lives is something that is worth more than any dollar amount.
