Limits and Boundaries Can Help You Live a Self-Oriented Life
- Sep 3, 2025
- 7 min read
Dr. Deborah Brown is a psychotherapist and behavioral health entrepreneur. She developed Brownstone Mental Health Services and can be heard on the My Session with Dr. Deborah Brown podcast.
Being self-oriented involves utilizing a skill set that we aren’t typically taught through our life experiences. Many learn from an early age to be people-pleasing, to cave in to the needs of others, and to mask emotions rather than express needs. There is a reason why we struggle with being self-oriented, and most of the time it’s because we are considerate, because we are kind, and because we have empathy. Many who are kind and have higher levels of empathy sometimes also have the most difficulty setting limits and boundaries. It’s not wrong to want other people to validate us, to seek approval, or even to go along with the needs of others. The problem is that becoming too caught up in the needs of other people can cause us to lose a little bit of ourselves and disrupt how we really want to live. If you're so busy honoring the expectations and wants of others, where are you fitting in your own values, needs, and aspirations?
The nature of relationships is give and take, and hopefully, in relatively even amounts. This sharing of resources, energy, and time is how we build connections and prioritize those in our lives. Maintaining effective boundaries and recognizing personal limits becomes the way that we can manage, in a healthy manner, what we are actually and realistically able to give. If not, we may be cutting off important pieces of ourselves and handing them to others, but the trouble is, eventually, there will be nothing left for ourselves. This is often why people feel overwhelmed, drained, tired, and sad.
Defining boundaries & limits
There are lots of social media discussions about boundaries, and many of my therapy patients come in and say, “I know I need boundaries, but I am not even sure what that means.” Boundaries are needs and expectations related to how you want to live your life and how you want to be treated by others. It’s not just about ongoing relationships; it’s also about how to develop healthy connections with people in general. Some of us have experienced connections with people who don’t have the same level of empathy and have suffered because of giving too much. Think of a boundary like a rule that you set for yourself, one that you ask another person to honor. If you are a person who needs undisturbed sleep, you may ask your partner not to use a noisy fan or have the TV on at night. If you go along out of fear of upsetting your partner, you end up with disrupted sleep and all that comes with it the next day. Your boundary is, “I know you have always done these things at night, but these won’t work for me. I cannot have the TV on while I am sleeping, so what can we do to make us both comfortable here?”
Limits are what help us to understand what our boundaries really should be. Limits are the non-negotiable line that, when crossed, it costs us. Think of trying to pour from an empty cup. We are allowed to have a limit related to what we give to others, especially if it costs us more than we have to give. Think of the overscheduled parents who take care of every need of their children, yet do not give themselves that same regard. Anything that costs you your peace, your health, or too much of your time just might be showing you where your limit is. A limit for the overscheduled parent could be that they only allow the children to engage in one extracurricular activity at a time.
Do you have good boundaries?
This conversation is one I have frequently with those in therapy. The question to ask yourself is the same one I ask patients: Are you giving too much? We need boundaries around ourselves as a healthy way to identify to others where our limits are. Having these boundaries related to our work, our partners, our friends, our family, and our children does not mean that we are surrounded by dysfunctional relationships. What it means is that you have defined how you want to behave and live in a way that respects your values, limits, and resources.
Sometimes people, even those we love, will push for more from us than we can actually spare to give. This can be a test of our limits, and this is why, once boundaries are set, they must be maintained. It takes persistence, patience, resilience, and the ability to share honestly when your limit is reached. Boundaries are not as difficult to set as they are to maintain. Even healthy relationships need boundaries, but once those boundaries are set, how people respond and honor them can demonstrate the health of your relationships.
Why do boundaries feel selfish sometimes?
Many feel that when we try to do things for ourselves, or if we stand up for what we need, we’re being selfish. Of course, we want to take care of others and protect the feelings of those we care about. Sometimes, we get used to being uncomfortable in order to make others comfortable, and that can really affect our mental health and self-esteem. Being self-oriented is about setting boundaries and limits that create an opportunity for us to move through the world in a way that feels emotionally safe. Safety creates security, and these promote the ability to seek the happiness and calm that we all want and need.
Boundaries are very self-motivated and sometimes necessary as a direct response to what other people do. If someone has a behavior that hurts you, a boundary or limit is required so that they don’t continue to cause you harm or stress. It’s not selfish to set a rule about how to access you appropriately or how you would like to be treated. If a family member leaves you feeling drained after each encounter and it takes days to recover afterward, this may be a person violating your boundaries and affecting you emotionally as a result. Developing a limit of visiting less frequently and for a shorter amount of time could help. Setting a boundary around not accepting negative feedback from this person could prevent leaving each visit feeling emotionally battered. That person may challenge you or even tell you that you are behaving selfishly. Consider, instead, that this change is self-interested, that choosing to encounter this relationship in a way that limits its negative impact on you is exactly the change that you need. Being self-oriented means that you recognize your needs and values and enact the choice that supports those.
Can you set boundaries around someone else's behavior?
You cannot control how others think, feel, or behave. That’s why we sometimes have to set boundaries around how others behave around you. This isn’t about being controlling, but rather it’s about making sure you're not surrounded by situations that hurt you or impact your mental health. For example, if you grew up in a home where anger and yelling became traumatic for you, there may be an inherent limit for you, in that being around raised voices can feel terrible. This is a limit that requires a boundary. It will be very important to share with a partner that you want a home free of raised voices, as this is a boundary in line with your values. Healthy relationships invite feedback that is heard and considered. If someone else’s behavior continues to violate your boundaries, then this relationship may be unhealthy. You cannot tell others what to do or how to feel, but you can create a space in your life that feels safe, open, and free from behaviors that keep you uncomfortable.
When do I know I need to set a boundary?
Any person or situation that leaves you feeling exhausted, hurt, or misunderstood can be a place where there is a boundary problem. If a person is taking something from you that they don’t deserve to take, taking advantage of your kindness, money, or time, there’s a need for you to recognize and acknowledge your limit. If you keep repeatedly participating without changing anything, the person may not realize that you are uncomfortable and will continue the behavior. Why would you allow yourself to swallow your feelings and be exposed to stress for someone else’s comfort, over and over, without changing anything?
As you live your life, notice the stressors that affect you. If those are related to others and your interactions and relationships, examine whether they are crossing lines past your limits and causing you stress or discomfort. If you spend time with a friend or family member and you’re exhausted every single time, these might be people you need to spend less time around. Or, when you do spend time with them, a boundary may be necessary to improve the relationship. The boundary could be related to what you talk about, how they treat you, or how long you stay. Boundaries are not just shields against unhealthy connections; they are the necessary rules we establish for how to share our lives with others. Living your best life includes being able to share your own set of rules that ensure everyone benefits in a relationship.
Read more from Deborah Brown
Deborah Brown, Psychotherapist and Behavioral Health Entrepreneur
Dr. Deborah Brown is a psychotherapist and behavioral health entrepreneur. She is a thought leader in the field of mental health, working to fight mental health stigma and increase public awareness about mental health-related issues. Dr. Brown developed Brownstone Mental Health Services, a large group practice that is revolutionizing the way that mental health therapy is provided. She can be heard on the My Session with Dr. Deborah Brown podcast.
