Adult Children of Alcoholics and How to Love Yourself So You Can Find Your True Purpose?

Written by Justyna Lyzwa, Certified Life Coach

Justyna Lyzwa is an EMCC life certified coach.  She is the founder of UR a CURE-Inner Power Coaching. Justyna also hosts the UR a CURE – Inner Power podcast, where she shares personal insights, and tools for healing and empowerment—straight from the heart.

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For years, I lived with the belief that I was unworthy of love, not because I chose to, but because it was ingrained in me, woven into the fabric of my being before I even knew to question it. Love, at its purest, is first reflected in the eyes of our parents, in their voices, in the way they hold us. When that reflection is absent, when love is withheld, broken, or distorted, it leaves an emptiness so vast, so consuming, that we spend a lifetime trying to fill it.

How is self-love commonly portrayed?

We often associate self-love with spa days, nights out with friends, affirmations, and setting boundaries. Social media perpetuates the image of a confident, always-positive individual, well-groomed, with flawless makeup. However, true self-love often lies far beyond these surface-level portrayals. You can adopt positive habits, embrace optimism, and implement self-care routines, yet still struggle to genuinely love yourself. Love is not always gentle or easy; it requires confronting difficult truths and practicing radical honesty with those you truly care about. The same applies to self-love, it demands deep authenticity and unflinching self-awareness.

Why would you not love yourself?

We come into this world as pure love. Look at a photo of yourself as a baby, or into the eyes of your child, they are filled with unconditional love. But over time, that love can fade. Even seemingly small events, like an adult promising a movie night and then changing their mind, can dim the light in a child's eyes.

In dysfunctional families, especially those affected by parental addiction, children quickly learn that they are not the priority. To receive some form of love or acceptance, they feel the need to adopt a role, wearing a mask that aligns with the unspoken rules of the household. Certain parts of their personality may be rejected because they do not serve the family’s unspoken goal: to ignore the problem, pretend everything is fine, and suppress their emotions to support the parent's addiction. When certain parts of us are not loved, we may feel that we cannot be fully loved for who we truly are.

Seeking love

This burned-out hole within us cannot simply be forgotten. For some, it feels like grief, deep sadness that lingers. Others attempt to fill this void with anger, addictions, or quick and easy distractions, such as impulsive purchases or fleeting relationships. But at the core, one thing remains the same: there is a wounded inner child within us, longing for love and acceptance.

My void

My dad values people who are knowledgeable. He’s passionate about history, current events, sports, and politics. Those who aren’t interested in these topics don’t hold much value in my dad’s eyes.

Throughout primary and secondary school, I struggled. As a child lacking a sense of safety at home and playing the role of the "invisible child," learning became incredibly difficult. As a result, I felt that, in my dad’s eyes, I wasn’t someone worth valuing. That’s how I perceived it. I was excluded from serious conversations, deemed not intelligent enough. I believed my dad didn’t love me because of this.To learn more about roles in dysfunctional families, visit the CPTSD Foundation web page.

The never-ending cycle of proving myself

As an adult, I pursued multiple postgraduate degrees, earned certifications, and built expertise in pharmaceutical regulations. I climbed the corporate ladder. But how did I feel? My sense of self-worth remained fragile. I didn’t love myself. I feared I was merely deceiving others into believing I was a "specialist." No achievement, no diploma on my wall could erase the feeling of insignificance, the lingering belief that I was still not intelligent enough, still small.

Since the void was within me, only I could make myself whole again. No one else could do it for me. That’s why self-love is essential to the healing process.

The first step towards healing

In my twenties, I joined a group therapy program for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) in my town. It helped me understand the dynamics within my family and within myself. We went through the 12 steps of Adult Children of Alcoholics. I shared my experiences, had some breakthroughs, and for a while, it felt like progress. But after nine months of the program, I moved to a different country.

At first, I felt better, like I had turned a corner. But then, out of nowhere, the trauma came rushing back, hitting me harder than ever. I couldn’t understand why, and there were no nearby support groups for me to turn to. It felt like I was right back where I started, or worse.

How does the true healing process support your self-love?

Looking back, I now see what was missing from the therapy I had twenty years ago, I wasn’t given the tools I needed to support my growth and healing. No one prepared me for the real world, where life would throw situations and people my way, forcing me to finally face the pain and emotions I had buried. Back then, those moments felt like nightmares. Now, I see them as opportunities to heal.

My true healing journey began when I learned to quiet my mind, through meditation, walks in nature, and the intentional removal of distractions such as the news, negativity, and gossip. This practice fostered a heightened awareness of my emotions, reactions, and internal experiences. However, the most profound aspect of my healing was turning inward and extending love, support, and acceptance to the inner child within me, the one who had spent years believing she was unworthy of receiving it.

Let’s explore those tools I mentioned in more detail.

How quieting your mind can aid self-love

Only by quieting the mind can one truly hear and feel what is happening within the heart and mind. Transformation occurs when distractions are set aside, and one steps into stillness and silence. Meditation serves as a powerful tool for accessing the hidden aspects of the self, those parts kept locked away due to shame or the heavy burden of pain and trauma. Suppressing these aspects may provide temporary relief from discomfort, yet they often represent inner children, fragments of oneself that remain wounded, fearful, and sorrowful in their isolation.

If one were a house, the dominant personality, the part that is active 90 percent of the time, would be the sitting room, while the suppressed aspects would reside in the basement or attic. Distractions act like loud music, drowning out the voices of these hidden parts. Meditation enables you to silence the noise, venture into the basement or attic, and engage directly with those neglected aspects of the self. In stillness, ask them what they need, how they feel, and how they might be helped. Visualize them and provide what they ask for, whether it be attentive listening, shared sorrow, or a comforting embrace.

Above all, do not abandon them in their locked rooms. Take them by the hand and welcome them into your daily life. For a time, the emotions once avoided may surface, bringing discomfort. Yet in doing so, one offers themselves love, gradually filling the void that once burned within.

Awareness of your reactions, thoughts, and emotions

Awareness is a powerful tool that can be likened to a flashlight. When we enter a dark room, we cannot immediately determine whether something requires our attention. The uncertainty may provoke fear, an emotion contrary to our goal of self-love. Seize your awareness and illuminate your reactions and emotions, as they are often easier to observe than thoughts. Begin with this process.

Each time you feel triggered by someone or something, take a moment to observe your reaction. Ask yourself whether your emotional response is appropriate for the situation. Could it be that your reaction stems from a wounded part of yourself, connected more to the past than the present? If so, return to stillness and revisit moments that require reflection. Utilize meditation as a tool for this introspection. Awareness can also be directed toward your thoughts, pause, and ask yourself, "Why am I thinking this way?" An important aspect of awareness and giving yourself love is non-judgment. Don’t judge your thoughts, emotions, and reactions, just observe and reflect on the source of them.

Go back to your inner child and be the parent you always wished you had

Incorporate every part of yourself into your daily life. Each aspect learns, receives love, and seeks acceptance. Do not censor their words or ignore their needs. Be mindful of how you speak to yourself, with kindness and gentleness.

Consider speaking to your inner child. Would you ever tell a child that they have once again embarrassed themselves in front of others? Would you call them foolish? Yet, the words we think or say deeply affect our inner child. Take responsibility for your thoughts, words, and actions.

Discovering true purpose through self-love

The beautiful thing is that all those parts of you that were locked away carry gifts and talents you brought into this world. When you invite them into your life, the talents and true purpose will emerge. You will start to see miracles happening in your life, transformations, simply because you accepted and loved those parts of you. You have the power to transform your life. You are a cure.

If you're looking to explore self-love or the experiences of adult children of alcoholics in depth, feel free to visit my website where you can also book a free coaching consultation with me.

Follow me on LinkedIn for more info!

Read more from Justyna Lyzwa

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Justyna Lyzwa, Certified Life Coach

Justyna Lyzwa is a certified life coach and the founder of UR a CURE – Inner Power Coaching. Her passion is helping people reclaim their power, unmute their voices, and rise in confidence. Raised in an alcoholic family, she experienced hardship and chronic trauma—but now sees those experiences as profound challenges that shaped her. Through healing her emotional wounds, reprogramming her subconscious mind, and learning to love and accept herself, she gained deep wisdom. Today, she is committed to raising awareness about the impact of dysfunctional families and offering support to those on a journey to reclaim their true power.