5 Ways to Practice Acceptance and Conflict Resolution
- Jan 3
- 6 min read
Jennifer Martin Rieck is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the owner of Epijennetics Counseling & Consulting in Libertyville, Illinois. She is also the owner and writer of epijennetics.com, a website that explores the mental shifts that lead to the healthy expression of self and healthy connection to others.
I was speaking with a woman recently who was expressing how difficult she finds making boundaries with others, particularly due to the fact that she naturally feels inclined to give others the benefit of the doubt. Specifically, she was referring to her elderly mother, who throughout her life has frequently invalidated her emotions and consistently failed to be held accountable for hurtful behaviors.
I found myself encouraging her to be mindful to accept things for what they are, not what she wishes they were, and to look at the evidence before her when setting boundaries vs. letting go of boundaries because she hopes things will be different. “Focusing on acceptance” will be the thing that protects you, I said. This led me to think about the fact that acceptance is hard. I have found that disappointment is something that most of us really struggle with. Because of this ,we can try to avoid disappointment through wishful thinking, pretending, or distorting the truth, to make us more comfortable and lessen our disappointment. However, doing so often results in us getting even more disappointed in the end, as our expectations aren’t really reflecting reality, instead our expectations are reflecting our wishes. Acceptance is a key component to conflict resolution and mastery. Here are five ways to practice acceptance and conflict resolution.
1. Try to accurately assess situations
When reflecting on a situation, try to look at the facts of the situation objectively, even though this might cause uncomfortable feelings.
Be Mindful of cognitive distortions
Pay attention to aspects of the situation that you feel tempted to downplay or exaggerate. It is normal to want to downplay painful emotions and to exaggerate the motives or behaviors of others that cause us to feel pain. Try to honestly evaluate all aspects of the situation, and acknowledge the changes that you are tempted to make. Consider why it is important to you to modify the story in your head. This might be because you are protecting your self-image, or you are trying to make another person appear differently than they are. Keep a close eye out for cognitive distortions, which are irrational, biased thinking patterns that twist reality, making you see things more negatively or catastrophically than they actually are. Common types include All-or-Nothing Thinking, Overgeneralization, Mind Reading, Catastrophizing, and Personalization, often addressed in therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which help individuals replace them with more realistic, helpful thoughts.
Common Types of Cognitive Distortions:
All-or-Nothing Thinking (Black-and-White Thinking): Seeing things in absolute terms (e.g., "If I'm not perfect, I'm a failure").
Overgeneralization: Taking one negative event and seeing it as a never-ending pattern (e.g., "I stumbled in the interview, I'll never get hired anywhere").
Mental Filter: Focusing on negative details while ignoring all positive aspects.
Discounting the Positives: Insisting your accomplishments don't count.
Jumping to Conclusions:
Mind Reading: Assuming you know what others are thinking (usually negatively) without evidence.
Fortune Telling: Predicting things will turn out badly.
Magnification/Minimization: Exaggerating your mistakes (magnification) or downplaying your strengths (minimization).
Emotional Reasoning: Believing something is true because you feel it's true (e.g., "I feel hopeless, so my situation must be hopeless").
"Should" Statements: Criticizing yourself or others with "shoulds," "musts," or "oughts".
Labeling: Attaching a negative, global label to yourself or others (e.g., "I'm a loser") instead of describing the action.
Personalization: Blaming yourself for events you weren't responsible for.
Get an outsider’s perspective
If reflecting on a situation objectively is hard, perhaps try talking through the situation with a trusted friend or therapist to gain insight from an outside perspective. Sometimes, a neutral third party may notice ways that you are reading into a situation unfairly or ways that you are skirting around your true feelings.
2. Practice ownership and accountability
Part of accurately reflecting on and resolving conflict involves an appropriate balance of ownership and accountability.
Holding others accountable
It is important in conflict and in distressing events to determine what behavior you are needing to hold others accountable for. Although we cannot blame others for our feelings or their feelings, we can hold others accountable for behaviors. In conflict, taking the time to sort out the behavior you were hurt by and responding with either a request for change, a consequence, or a boundary is important. Acting in self-respecting ways by saying, “I don’t accept being treated this way, next time it happens, I will do this”, is honoring your own feelings and defining boundaries for others. If you are someone who is very self-sacrificing and empathetic, holding others accountable is important work to do. Overcoming irrational guilt is also important work to do if you are someone who is self-sacrificing or tends to take too much ownership in conflict or blame yourself for problems.
Holding yourself accountable
Conflict often involves ownership of one’s contribution as well as holding others accountable. Self-reflection is important in order to determine what part of the conflict is yours to own. For example, reacting in a way that is hurtful might be something you can own, while still holding the other person accountable for their behavior. Our feelings, reactions, triggers, and responses are ours and ours alone, and being an emotionally mature individual involves admitting to parts of conflict that belong to us
Being intentional about communicating accountability also sets the stage for others to learn how to relate to us and sets an expectation that we are going to hold ourselves and others accountable. It demonstrates to others that we intend to work to repair any damage to our relationships, rather than simply sweep things under the rug. If you find it difficult to admit fault and acknowledge when you’ve hurt another, you might benefit from reflecting on why you feel the need to perform perfectly. Did this belief originate during childhood from critical parents? Do you find yourself struggling to feel worthy of love if you aren’t perfect? These are important beliefs to challenge. Self-acceptance might be important work for you if you find it extremely difficult to admit to making mistakes.
3. Seek clarity
Many of the conflicts that we experience in relationships come from misunderstanding one another or ascribing meaning that isn’t necessarily there. It is important during conflict to ask questions to better understand the other person’s intentions and perspective. Often, by taking the time to fully explore a conflict, the conflict naturally diffuses as you better understand each other and are intentional about repairing the relationship.
4. Make genuine repair attempts
One of the most unhealthy patterns in relationships is not repairing ruptures to relationships. It can be tempting to sweep things under the rug or avoid vulnerable conversations. Perhaps a lack of awareness of how to repair relationships is leading to avoidance, perhaps difficulty holding oneself or others accountable, or feeling that it is unsafe to engage in anything that could lead to conflict or uncomfortable feelings. However, a series of unrepaired relationship ruptures can lead to resentment and disconnection over the long-run. It is better to address conflict head-on than to avoid it and risk it causing long-term damage to the relationship. Additionally, healthy repair in relationships can lead to feeling better understood, seen, and valued by others, despite the fact that it resulted from conflict.
5. Practice grace
Actively practicing self and other-acceptance, practicing and modeling grace, and taking a posture of forgiveness leads to better mental health and peace. However, if someone consistently fails to demonstrate accountability, express empathy, and make repair attempts after conflict, this person might not be someone that is healthy for you to have in your life. Making boundaries with someone like this may bring peace. In this case, radical acceptance that the relationship that you desire may not be possible with this individual may be the thing that frees you from ongoing conflict. Boundaries could look like avoiding certain topics of conversations, being less vulnerable if it proves unsafe to do so, or it could look like completely walking away from the relationship.
Relationships are naturally challenging, but can be highly rewarding if both parties are willing to do the work to repair conflict and become more emotionally mature. For more tips on navigating problematic relationships, visit my website.
Read more from Jennifer Martin Rieck
Jennifer Martin Rieck, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Jennifer Martin Rieck is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the owner of Epijennetics Counseling & Consulting and epijennetics.com, a website that explores healthy self-expression and healthy connection to others. She specializes in working with individuals who struggle to break free from narcissistic or self-sacrificing relationship patterns.
