You Don’t Need To Be Ruthless To Win Big In Negotiations
Written by Roar Thun Wægger, Facilitator, Advisor & Mediator
Roar is a facilitator, advisor, and mediator, and he founded Waegger Negotiation Institute (WNI) in 2017. Up to 2017 has Roar been working as a lawyer with employment and labor law, and he has extensive experience in practical negotiations and long-time influence work.
In the world of negotiations, the pursuit of success often comes with a misconception: that one must be ruthless, cutthroat, and uncompromising to win. But what if I told you that the key to becoming a master negotiator lies not in dominating the other side, but in embracing a grounded, empathetic approach?
Achieve success with integrity and empathy
Over the years, I've had the privilege of training and coaching countless professionals and leaders, and what I've discovered is that the most successful negotiators are those who blend determination with decency and strength with fairness.
The shift toward compassionate negotiation
Much like the recent shift we’ve seen in elite sports during the Olympic Games in Paris. Where champions like the American gymnast Simone Biles said of competing alongside the gold medal winner, Rebeca Andrade of Brazil “It brought out the best athlete in myself, so I’m excited and proud to compete with her.” Following the 800-meter freestyle race, the first thing the American swimmer Katie Ledecky and the Australian Ariarne Titmus did was reach across their lanes to embrace.
When the pole-vaulter medalist, Emmanouil Karalis of Greece, cheered on while the Swedish pole-vaulter Mondo Duplantis broke his world record. “The best competitors strive together” as Brad Stulberg wrote about in the Opinion section of The New York Times (nytimes.com) recently.
This demonstrates that greatness can be achieved with grace, the same principle applies to the art of negotiation.
Being a ‘jerk’—a term often associated with aggressive, win-at-all-costs tactics—might give you a short-term win, but it leads to long-term burnout, broken relationships, and ultimately, a hollow victory.
True greatness in negotiation comes from bettering oneself, understanding the other party, and striving for solutions that are beneficial for all involved.
The power of relentless kindness
In negotiations, just like in the Olympic arena, it’s possible—and powerful—to be both relentless and kind. When you approach a negotiation with a clear understanding of your goals, coupled with empathy for the other side, you not only enhance your chances of success but also build lasting relationships. These relationships can lead to future opportunities, collaborations, and a reputation that precedes you as someone who is not just a skilled negotiator, but a person of integrity.
Lessons from the negotiation table
Consider the stories of Olympic athletes who compete forcefully yet display mutual respect and support. These athletes understand that the real reward is not just the medal but the personal growth and connections they make along the way. Similarly, in negotiations, the real victory is not just the deal you close, but the trust you build, the respect you earn, and the satisfaction of knowing you’ve stayed true to your values.
Know Your Values: Before entering any negotiation, be clear about your values. What do you stand for? What are your non-negotiables? When you negotiate from a place of integrity, you ensure that your success is not just about winning, but about winning the right way.
Empathy is a Strength: Understand the needs and desires of the other party. By showing empathy, you open the door to creative solutions that satisfy both sides. This doesn’t mean you compromise your own goals, but rather that you find a path where both parties feel valued and respected.
Resilience Through Groundedness: Negotiations can be tough, but maintaining a sense of groundedness—staying calm, centered, and focused on the bigger picture—will help you navigate challenges with grace. This resilience allows you to recover from setbacks, adapt to changing circumstances, and keep pushing toward a successful outcome.
The Power of Patience: Great negotiators know that not every deal is made in a single meeting. Sometimes, the best outcomes come from taking the time to build rapport, understand the nuances of the situation, and let the negotiation evolve naturally. Patience is not a weakness; it’s a strategic asset.
Mutual Respect as a Foundation: Finally, respect is the cornerstone of any successful negotiation. When you respect the other party, even in the heat of negotiation, you foster an environment where true collaboration can occur. This respect will not only help you achieve your current goals but will also lay the groundwork for future negotiations.
The path to sustainable success
The myth that success in negotiations requires ruthlessness is outdated, it is old-fashion, and a misconception created from the drama in books, theater, and film. The most successful negotiators are those who combine persistence with kindness, who strive not just to win, but to win in a way that leaves all parties feeling respected and valued. By embracing this approach, you not only achieve great wins but also cultivate a reputation for fairness and integrity—a reputation that will serve you well throughout your career.
Remember, the true reward of negotiation is not just the deal you close today, but the relationships you build, the person you become, the impact you have on others, and the deals you close tomorrow. So, the next time you step into a negotiation, bring your best self—driven, determined, and above all, decent. Success will follow.
Roar Thun Waegger, Facilitator, Advisor & Mediator
Roar is a facilitator, advisor, and mediator, and he founded Waegger Negotiation Institute (WNI) in 2017. Up to 2017 has Roar been working as a lawyer with employment and labor law, and he has extensive experience in practical negotiations and long-time influence work. With his experience and training from Harvard PON and Pepperdine’s Straus' Institute in negotiation, mediation, and conflict resolution he helps his clients solve their challenges.
