Why We Repeat the Same Emotional Patterns Even When We Know Better
- Feb 28, 2023
- 5 min read
Updated: 3 hours ago
Written by Rita Baki, Human Performance & EQ Consultant
Rita Baki is a certified coach and emotional intelligence specialist who works at the intersection of neuroscience, somatic psychology and emotional resilience.
Because pain cannot be reasoned with before it has been felt. Because the self does not surrender its defenses once they have been exposed. Because human complexity transcends the intellectual pursuit of explanation.
Oftentimes, there’s an experienced duality of profound anxiety and relief when we acknowledge what we do not accept within ourselves. Those pieces of our being, concealed with apprehensive vulnerability, may become the trajectory through which we seek transformation and redemption.
So, you learn. You read, and you seek consultations. You become the expert of your own psychological patterns, only to unconsciously repeat those exact patterns. And the question remains, “Why?”
Why insight is not enough
When you reach out to the same unavailable person, you know they will not answer. Yet, there is this urge inside of you, a desire of uncontrollable intensity, begging you to do what you’ve always been doing. Perhaps, this exact knowledge makes it even more painful when you end up repeating the same emotional patterns you swore to change.
By continuously seeking understanding of our emotions, we end up treating the brain as a storage system of knowledge and a habit-making machine. However, neuroscience teaches us something different.
Proposed by Paul D. MacLean, the Triune Brain Model gives us a simple division of the brain, where each system consists of different group regions:
The reptilian brain: The part responsible for survival instincts and automatic behaviors like fight, flight, and routine reactions that keep us safe.
The limbic system: The emotional center of the brain, where feelings, memories, and attachment patterns are formed and stored.
The neocortex: The rational and thinking brain, responsible for logic, language, and conscious decision-making.
In other words, the reptilian brain acts before we think, the limbic system feels before we understand, and the neocortex explains after the fact.
Essentially, psychological change is still a form of science. It is a research-based process built on histories of clinical insight and theoretical knowledge. This teaches us that emotional reactions originate in neural and somatic systems that don’t speak the language of logic.
How to actually experience emotional change
When our emotional patterns are stored beyond conscious thought, change must also happen beyond conscious thought. However, this does not have to be as complicated as it sounds. With these simple strategies, anyone can live intentionally and achieve internal harmony:
1. Cultivating mindfulness
What it is: Mindfulness is the act of directing our attention inwards. It involves strengthening the mind-body connection by creating space to compassionately and non-judgmentally reflect on our inner experiences, emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations.
Why it matters: You can’t regulate what you can’t feel accurately. Mindfulness helps us increase awareness of our internal bodily states. This process of interoception has been evidently associated with improved emotional regulation and reduced stress reactivity.
2. Regulating the nervous system
What it is: As the body enters an emotional state, it no longer responds to reasoning. Certain movements, such as yoga, breathwork, and body-based practices, can help restore balance to the nervous system and bring harmony back to the different parts of the self.
Why it matters: Without safety and security, your nervous system will continue to interpret your emotions as threats. Body-focused work can help you gently shift your attention to your internal sensations, providing you the chance to embrace yourself with validation, acknowledgment, and regulation.
3. Meditative writing
What it is: Meditative writing is the art of reflecting on oneself through journaling. Rather than analyzing, this activity allows you to express your inner experiences freely, without structure. In this, you learn to observe, process, and unleash.
Why it matters: In growing research, meditative writing has been linked to improved well-being and emotional regulation. Yes, you are aware of your emotions. Yet, once you take a step back, where you’re sitting with yourself and the pages, you’ll find yourself expressing what has been hidden. Without the need to make sense of everything, your internal world begins to unfold more honestly.
4. Regulation through connection
What it is: Unfortunately, we often mistake mental health professionals for educators, wondering what they can possibly add to our knowledge that we simply can’t Google. However, as professionals, we offer beyond that. We symbolize the vessel through which you can channel all your emotional energy. We stand by you as we label your affect, validate your experience, and teach you how to experience instead of understand.
Why it matters: Our patterns developed within a social structure. For many, it was one that felt unsafe, invalidating, or unpredictable. As a result, many start to find vulnerability as exposing and intimidating. With a professional, you can explore these patterns in a relationship that is designed to create new emotional imprints by helping you feel seen, accepted, and responded to.
5. Assessing your unique self
What it is: Personality, inner strengths, and emotional patterns all combine to create the person you are today, distinct and multifaceted. Different assessments, such as emotional intelligence profiles, personality frameworks, or reflective inventories, can help you gain clarity on your tendencies, strengths, and areas for growth.
Why it matters: Generic advice rarely resonates. However, what is real and effective is translating your desire into practical and individualized steps. Psychological assessments help you align your skills with your goals, resulting in impactful results that help you understand how you uniquely think, feel, and respond.
Change is acceptance
As a lasting note, I applaud you for seeking a life that is fulfilling, harmonious, and intentional. I also invite you to the fundamental truth of change, which is to view the self as a dynamic being of growth and adaptation rather than a broken project to be fixed. As you begin your journey with your emotions, embrace all parts of your being, even those you dislike, oppose, or fear.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” – Carl Rogers
Read more from Rita Baki
Rita Baki, Human Performance & EQ Consultant
Rita Baki is a certified coach and emotional intelligence specialist who works at the intersection of neuroscience, somatic psychology, and emotional resilience. She collaborates with individuals, couples and medical professionals to address the psychological dimensions that influence recovery and quality of life. Rita recognizes that every path to healing is unique, and it was her own inner journey that ignited a passion to help others discover the same path. Her work is anchored in a simple yet powerful philosophy of meaningful, sustainable change begins with inner alignment.
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