Why Grief Isn’t Cyclical but Like Moving Across Stepping Stones to a New Shore
- Feb 20, 2025
- 4 min read
Written by Sandy Linda, Life Coach with Grief Expertise
Sandy Linda is an elegant and worldly leader in grief guidance and a life coach. After experiencing multiple losses, she began a journey using her experiences to find calm in the chaos to support those mourning multiple losses.
At points in the years since losing my family, I have felt like I am drowning. There were moments when I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see the surface to break through. Now, I have pulled myself slowly from the water, and I am halfway across the river. I am standing on a stepping stone with a path of stones behind me and a path of stones to follow ahead.
Inspiration from nature's grief
I have realised that the idea that grief is a series of stages is so unhelpful. There is no movement, only a repeating cycle of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I was stuck in this cycle. There was no pathway but instead a spinning wheel of emotions. It was like being swirled around in currents, flailing about, unable to reach a shore.
I felt every emotion. Anger, resentment, and bitterness were my constant companions. For three years, I clung to my bitterness because I couldn’t make sense of what I was going through. Resentment came when I felt an acute lack of support, neglect, and unresolved conflicts. I felt hurt as my family and friends walked away when I needed them.
Despite attending grief support groups, I remained lost. Some days, I pretended to be happy even though I was hurting, while on other days, I got angry at people for small things or blamed them for my pain.
These emotions were dominant and actually hid my other emotions. I had to resolve the anger and not lose hope in the process to see this. There was such complexity under it. As Eckhart Tolle writes: "Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath."
Through grief journaling, I was able to quietly recognise each emotion, extract them from the swirl around me, and deal with each in turn. I started to think about grief as a journey that would take time and be incredibly challenging at points. But to even manage to start, I needed to break this journey down into small steps. Think of it as crossing a stream; you don’t leap from one bank to the other; you find those steady stones to help you cross. There is also an element of the unknown on the other bank. You don’t know what you’ll find there and what you’ll be there for, so small steps give you time to think about these changes within yourself.
One step at a time
Here’s what this looks like in real life: I worked with a client who dreamed of starting a foundation in honour of her father. The idea of launching an entire foundation felt overwhelming, too big, too soon, too much. So, we broke it down into stepping stones:
First stone: Journaling ideas about what the foundation could be.
Second stone: Researching one similar foundation per week.
Third stone: Having coffee with someone who runs a small nonprofit.
Fourth stone: Creating a straightforward mission statement.
Fifth stone: Sharing the idea with one trusted friend.
Each step between stones is small enough to feel manageable but significant enough to move you forward. There’s no pressure to jump to the next stone until you feel steady on the current one.
Move when it feels right
What makes this strategy so powerful is that it honours both your dream and your grief. You’re not rushing the process or forcing yourself to be ‘ready.’ Instead, you’re giving yourself permission to explore at your own pace. Each small step becomes a conversation with yourself about what feels right.
From both my own experience and working with others, I’ve realised that the stepping stones process varies in difficulty depending on where someone is in their grief journey. I often felt stuck when I was faced with meeting new people. The step towards them required engaging in meaningful conversations. I was afraid of being judged or rejected. I had to actively choose to listen for the good and not the bad in my interactions with people. I had been laser-focused on finding judgements or criticisms; but instead listened for positives; and that was what I heard.
But it wasn’t easy. Before taking these steps forward, I had to address all my unresolved grief emotions whether anger, bitterness, sadness, or jealousy. Everyone will take the stepping stones at their own pace. Some are still exploring their emotions; others are immersed in social interactions like faith-based communities or grieving support groups, but there are also those who have come to see their grief as a transformative force. They are already looking across the river, hand shading their eyes, to see what is on the other side.
The beauty of the Stepping Stones Approach is that it transforms ‘too soon’ into ‘just this next small step.’ It’s not about reaching the other side of the stream by tomorrow - it’s about finding your next steady stone to stand on.
Sandy Linda, Life Coach with Grief Expertise
Sandy Linda is an elegant and worldly leader in grief guidance and a life coach. After experiencing multiple losses, she began a journey using her experiences to find calm in the chaos to support those mourning multiple losses. Sandy helps her clients move from heartbreaking losses to a place where they can work towards healing and become fearless adventure leaders.
