Why Being Authentic Feels So Hard and What Therapy Gets Wrong About It?
- Dec 27, 2025
- 5 min read
Updated: Dec 29, 2025
Blending Person-Centred therapy with coaching and DBT, Aleksandra Tsenkova helps people worldwide heal trauma, unpack emotional wounds, and step into confidence.
Authenticity is presented as something empowering, a personal choice, a mindset, even a skill we can practise. We are repeatedly told to “be ourselves,” speak our truth, and stop hiding who we really are. Yet for many people, attempting to be authentic does not feel freeing at all. It feels exposing. Risky. Uncomfortable. Instead of clarity, there is anxiety. Instead of relief, there is a quiet sense of being emotionally unprotected. Then, if authenticity is meant to be natural, why does it feel so difficult to access? Why do so many people feel disconnected from themselves precisely when they try hardest to be “real”? Perhaps the problem is not a lack of courage or self-knowledge, but the way authenticity is often misunderstood, including within therapy itself.
Authenticity is often framed as something we must decide to do, an act of confidence, insight, or self-expression. Popular psychology suggests that if we think clearly enough or push past discomfort, our “true self” will naturally appear. Even therapy can sometimes echo this message, subtly valuing openness and insight before emotional safety has fully formed. From a person-centred perspective, this overlooks a crucial truth, authenticity cannot be forced. It emerges only when a person feels deeply enough accepted to stop protecting themselves.
The problem with “just be yourself” culture
The idea of “just being yourself” is often offered as simple, empowering advice, yet it rarely acknowledges the complexity of being human. It assumes that the self is fully formed, easily accessible, and safe to express, regardless of context. In reality, most people learn early on which parts of themselves are welcomed and which are not. When authenticity is reduced to a slogan, it ignores the emotional risks involved in self-expression and subtly places responsibility back onto the individual. If being yourself feels hard, you must not be trying hard enough. Rather than creating freedom, this message can deepen self-doubt, reinforcing the belief that something is wrong with us for struggling to show up as we truly are.
Why authenticity often feels unsafe
For many people, authenticity is not met with relief, but with a sense of threat. This is not because they are avoidant or disconnected from themselves, but because self-expression has historically come with consequences. From previous relationships with friends, partners, family members, mentors, and society onward, we learn, often implicitly, that acceptance can be conditional. Certain emotions, needs, or ways of being are rewarded, while others are corrected, dismissed, or misunderstood. Over time, we adapt by shaping ourselves to fit what feels safe, even when it creates an inner distance. When we are later encouraged to “be authentic,” the nervous system does not hear freedom. It hears risk. Without emotional safety, authenticity does not feel natural. It feels like exposure.
When therapy accidentally reinforces performance
Even within therapy, authenticity can sometimes become something to demonstrate rather than something to discover. Clients may feel an unspoken pressure to be insightful, emotionally articulate, or emotionally “open” before they feel fully met where they are. When understanding is prioritised over experience, depth can become confused with intensity, and progress with performance. In these moments, therapy risks mirroring previous relational patterns, where acceptance depends on showing up in the “right” way. From a more person-centred view, authenticity does not arise from being analysed or guided into insight, but from being consistently received with empathy, without judgement or correction. When that safety is present, the need to perform begins to fall away, and something more real can emerge.
A person-centred understanding of authenticity
In person-centred psychotherapy, authenticity is not about revealing more, trying harder, or becoming emotionally braver. It refers to a sense of inner alignment, the moment when a person’s lived experience, awareness, and expression begin to match. When this alignment is disrupted, people may appear confident or capable on the outside while feeling disconnected or uncertain within. Authenticity, then, is not something to achieve but a natural movement toward coherence. It unfolds gradually as individuals feel safer to acknowledge their internal experience, rather than shaping themselves to meet external expectations. In this way, authenticity is less an act of self-expression and more a process of self-permission.
The role of emotional safety in becoming real
Authenticity rarely emerges in isolation. It thrives in the presence of emotional safety. Feeling truly seen and accepted without judgment allows people to lower their guard, explore their inner experience, and gradually show up more fully. When someone is met with empathy, patience, and genuine understanding, the fear of rejection or evaluation begins to dissolve. In these spaces, people discover that being themselves is not risky. It is natural. Emotional safety does not create authenticity on demand, but it creates the conditions for it to emerge spontaneously, quietly, and in its own time. This is why real change often feels effortless. It is not forced. It is invited.
Authenticity is not a goal, it’s a by-product
Authenticity cannot be manufactured or willed into existence. It is a by-product of conditions, not a target to hit. When we focus too intently on “being real,” we risk turning it into another performance, another standard we must meet. Instead, authenticity grows quietly, emerging when people feel accepted, understood, and safe enough to let go of pretence. It arises in moments of genuine connection, self-compassion, and trust, rather than through effort or insight alone. In other words, the truest version of ourselves is rarely found by chasing it. It is revealed when we stop chasing and allow ourselves to simply exist, fully, imperfectly, and without apology.
What this means for everyday life (not just therapy)
Authenticity is not reserved for therapy rooms. It plays out in relationships, workplaces, and daily interactions. The principles remain the same, when people feel seen, heard, and accepted without judgment, they are more likely to show up fully, whether at home, with friends, or at work. Emotional safety, patience, and empathy are not just therapeutic tools. They are everyday practices that cultivate genuine connection. By shifting the focus from “trying to be real” to creating environments where people feel safe enough to be themselves, we invite authenticity to emerge naturally. In doing so, we discover that being authentic is less about performance and more about presence, a quiet, profound freedom available to everyone.
Conclusion
Authenticity is not something to chase. It is something to nurture, notice, and allow. When we stop forcing, stop performing, and start creating the spaces where real connection can grow, the self reveals itself naturally.
Read more from Aleksandra Tsenkova
Aleksandra Tsenkova, Psychotherapist, Author, Speaker
Aleksandra Tsenkova supports individuals on their healing journey by integrating Person-Centred therapy, coaching, and DBT. She helps people process emotional pain, recover from trauma, and rebuild inner trust to step into their confidence. With a deep belief in each person’s capacity for growth, she creates space for powerful self-discovery and lasting transformation. Her work is grounded in a passion for empowering others to reclaim their voice and unlock their potential. Through her writing, Aleksandra invites readers into meaningful conversations about healing, resilience, and personal freedom.
