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Who Gets To Define You Today?

Written by: Vince Morales, Senior Level Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.


“Self-motivation is the only kind there is” I was reading a book when I came across this statement and had to pause to think for quite a while because it spoke against everything I believed until then. I had been watching many motivational speakers and had become what I could call a ‘motivational speaker junkie,’ so this odd statement took a considerable toll on me. The irony of it coming from a book I would classify under motivational non-fiction made this pill even harder to swallow. It was not long before I saw and began to appreciate the truth in the above words greatly.

woman suffering from bullying, sitting alone in cafe.

Motivation, just like self-image or self-worth, comes from within yourself. Indeed, other people may help you become aware of certain good things about you, but it is only when you fully accept them yourself that you begin to live up to them and exhibit them to an even greater extent. Inside of you is a switch no one else has access to by which you can power on and off your positive energy and make decisions that will help you get on in life.

Of course, it is crucial to listen to inspirational talks, watch sermons, and read good books, but what is more important is what you do after gathering the complete information meant to help you. People who say their life trajectories changed by a book they read are usually not telling the whole story. Behind the scenes of that miraculous change of mind, change of attitude, and change of behavior was a lot of inside work. Changing one’s schedule does not happen with no inner battle to fight. There is always a need for a significant effort to make a plan for change and stick to it even when it is not convenient or fun.

We often wait on other people or demand that they make us feel good. As a disastrous approach to life, it weighs down on the other person who also has struggles and sets us up for major disappointment. Your partner, spouse, friend, or parent cannot fully carry the responsibility of validating, complimenting and making you feel good. They were not designed for that because inside of you are the necessary tools to do that; you only need to look hard enough.

Here is a funny thing I have observed concerning human behavior: People tend to want to help those that seem least likely to need it. Be needy and see how people flee from you. A disabled person, for example, who takes it upon himself to do the best he can despite the handicap tends to get people wanting to sponsor him and help him get along, while he who turns to beg for the same does not get much of the pity he desires. It is the same thing when it comes to being overly needy for validation from other people, and you make them reluctant to give it to you.

What, then, should you do? Own your self-confidence, peace of mind, and happiness in general. These things are too expensive to outsource. You are who you believe and say you are. Raise the standard, and believe you are more robust, powerful, and successful than others think you are. Only you know your big dreams; when you tell them to others who do not believe in them as much as you do, they will only hinder your progress. So why give them that particularly significant role of telling you what you can and cannot achieve?

Maybe your parents did not give you the love, affection, and affirmation you believed you deserved as a child. Know this: people can only give what they have. Why do you not let it go and realize that they probably did the best they could under the circumstances they had (most parents do)? With that same understanding, allow love to flourish in your heart and get on an intense self-development program to empower yourself and your loved ones with the love you missed.

“The problem with letting others define you is they cannot even define themselves yet. French-born American writer, Anaïs Nin, said, ‘We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.’ So, there you have it. People’s definition of you will always run through the filter of ‘as they are.’” – Vince Morales

Life should be lived forward and not backward. If you decide to take charge of your life today, no matter how old or deeply scarred you are by people who did not love you as they should have, you can begin to make a difference in your life. Decide whether you will live up to your definition. You will see life through your lenses. They will not give you compliments when you look good. Well, look at yourself in the mirror and give them to yourself! You are worth it, and you are not here by accident.

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Read more from Vince!


Vince Morales, Senior Level Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

Vince Morales is a mindset, self-image, and resilience coach. In addition, he is skilled in leadership consultation and development. From April 2016 to June 2017, Vince was a homeless veteran in San Diego, CA. While homeless, he made a powerful decision to change his thinking and mindset, launching into life coaching. He developed a niche for resilience and mindset coaching. The growth of his business ultimately led to the end of his homelessness. Vince is the Founder of Validus Coaching & Consulting, formerly Zoe Transformation. His story has been featured in online articles and online news outlets all over the U.S. He is a certified John Maxwell Team Coach, Trainer, & Speaker, as well as a motivational speaker. In 2021, Vince earned his Master's degree in Psychology of Leadership from Penn State University and is currently a doctoral student pursuing a Ph.D. in Performance Psychology. He is a 2020 inductee into The National Society of Leadership and Success.


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