When the Calendar Promises Change but the Work Takes Time?
- Brainz Magazine
- 5 days ago
- 6 min read
Written by Jean-Gabrielle Short, Clinical Director
Jean Short is highly experienced in treating Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She is the Clinical Director of Wise-Mind DBT Brisbane and Brisbane EMDR Clinic.
At the beginning of each year, month, or even week, many people feel a renewed pressure to change. New Year's, birthdays, Mondays, and anniversaries are treated as symbolic reset points, carrying the expectation that motivation will suddenly appear and that long-standing emotional or behavioral patterns will loosen simply because the date has changed.
For many people seeking therapy, this belief quietly becomes a source of shame. When change does not arrive on cue, it is often interpreted as a personal failure rather than an accurate reflection of how human change actually occurs. Emotional regulation, behavioral change, and identity development do not operate according to the calendar. They develop through repetition, practice, and time.
Letting go of the calendar as a measure of progress can be the first meaningful step toward change that is realistic, compassionate, and sustainable.
The myth of the fresh start
Symbolic dates are appealing because they offer a sense of order and control. They suggest a clean break from the past and the promise of becoming a different person without carrying previous patterns forward. This idea is deeply embedded in cultural narratives about productivity, self-improvement, and success.
From a psychological perspective, however, the nervous system does not reset at midnight. Emotional sensitivities, attachment patterns, coping strategies, and stress responses remain intact. When a sudden change is expected, the gap between expectation and lived experience often intensifies self-criticism, avoidance, or emotional collapse.
In clinical practice, many people describe repeated cycles of recommitment followed by disappointment. Over time, this pattern can erode confidence in the possibility of change itself.
How change actually happens
Meaningful change is usually gradual and often subtle. It is shaped by small, repeated actions rather than decisive moments of motivation. Emotional regulation strengthens through repeated experiences of safety, containment, and choice. Behavioral change develops through practice in real-life situations, including moments where skills are applied imperfectly. Identity shifts emerge after people have responded differently many times, not after they decide to be different once.
This pattern is explored in more depth in "Why Change Feels So Hard and How DBT Helps You Move Forward," which outlines why sustainable change relies on skill development rather than motivation or symbolic turning points. When change is expected to be immediate, people often abandon the process too early. When change is understood as cumulative, it becomes more workable and more sustainable.
1. Stop waiting for motivation and start with structure
Motivation is often treated as the prerequisite for change. From a DBT perspective, motivation is a state-dependent experience that fluctuates with emotional intensity, fatigue, stress, and context. Waiting to feel motivated before acting often results in cycles of recommitment followed by collapse, particularly when early efforts are met with discomfort or imperfection.
Change is more reliably supported by structure than inspiration. Small, repeatable practices, such as pausing before responding, completing a brief daily check-in, scheduling skill practice into existing routines, or using reminders and cues, can create conditions for change even when motivation is low. Structure also reduces reliance on willpower, which is especially vulnerable when people are tired, overwhelmed, or emotionally activated.
2. Shift the focus from outcomes to responses
When change is measured primarily by outcomes, progress can feel invisible. Outcomes are influenced by factors outside our control, including other people’s behavior, environmental stressors, and physiological vulnerability. A more sustainable focus is the quality of your responses when difficulty arises.
Noticing that you paused instead of reacting, repaired more quickly after conflict, asked for support rather than withdrawing, or returned to a skill after forgetting it are all meaningful indicators of change. These responses reflect increasing capacity, even when outcomes remain imperfect. Over time, consistent changes in response patterns tend to shape outcomes as a secondary effect.
3. Understand emotional regulation as a capacity that develops
Emotional regulation is often misunderstood as a decision to feel differently. In reality, it is a capacity that develops through experience. For many people, intense emotional responses have been present for years or decades and were once adaptive. They may have helped someone survive, cope, stay alert to danger, or maintain attachment in unpredictable environments.
Because of this, emotional patterns tend to be deeply ingrained. Regulation emerges when people learn to notice emotions earlier, tolerate discomfort for longer, and respond with skill rather than urgency. This approach reflects "Beyond the Skills: The Comprehensive Understandings of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy," where emotional regulation develops through repetition, therapeutic relationships, and lived experience rather than quick behavioral fixes.
Expecting emotions to disappear quickly often reinforces frustration and self-blame. A more workable approach focuses on how emotions are met and responded to over time, including how you recover after emotional intensity, how you relate to your internal experience, and how quickly you return to skills when things go off track.
4. Practice new behaviors in the same contexts where old ones appear
Insight alone rarely leads to behavioral change. Understanding why a behavior exists does not automatically make it easier to change, particularly when the behavior functions to reduce distress quickly. New responses must be practiced in the same environments where old patterns are triggered, including situations involving conflict, perceived rejection, exhaustion, or uncertainty.
Importantly, practice includes attempts that do not go well. Each attempt provides information about what escalated emotion, what skills were difficult to access, and what supports might help next time. Over time, this information supports refinement, flexibility, and confidence. Behavioral change becomes more reliable when it is treated as practice rather than performance, and when setbacks are interpreted as data rather than proof of failure.
5. Reduce shame through mindfulness non-judgmentally
One DBT skill that strongly supports sustainable change is mindfulness non-judgmentally. This involves observing thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations, and urges without labeling them as good or bad, right or wrong, success or failure.
Judgment intensifies emotional distress by activating shame-based threat responses such as avoidance, self-attack, appeasement, or emotional numbing. Non-judgment creates space. It allows experiences to be noticed accurately without escalation, which makes it easier to choose a response rather than being pulled automatically into familiar patterns.
This dynamic is discussed further in Emotional Vulnerability and Self-Invalidation in DBT, where shame and self-judgment are understood as significant barriers to returning to skills after setbacks. Practicing non-judgment does not mean approving of harmful behavior or abandoning the desire to change. It means naming what is present without adding unnecessary layers of criticism. For example, “I am feeling overwhelmed, and I want to withdraw” is a radically different internal stance from “I am hopeless, I never improve.” The first supports skill use. The second fuels collapse.
6. Allow identity to change as a byproduct, not a goal
Identity does not shift through intention alone. It develops through lived experience and accumulated evidence. People begin to see themselves differently after responding differently many times. In therapy, this is often one of the most overlooked aspects of change, because it happens quietly and often later than people expect.
Clients frequently notice identity change retrospectively. They realize they paused longer than they would have before, recovered more quickly after emotional intensity, or acted in line with their values during difficulty. Allowing identity to evolve naturally reduces pressure and supports more stable self-trust. Rather than trying to “become” someone new through force, identity shifts when repeated actions provide credible evidence that you can cope differently than you once did.
Letting go of the calendar as a measure of progress
When progress is measured against the calendar, meaningful change can be overlooked. Subtle shifts in response, recovery, and self-respect often matter more than dramatic resolutions. The calendar can be used as a prompt for reflection, but it is a poor measure of whether your nervous system has learned new patterns.
Therapy is not about becoming a new person overnight. It is about building capacity over time. Each moment of awareness, each return to a skill, each attempt to repair, and each decision to respond with care contribute to change, even when it feels unremarkable.
Start your journey today
If you find yourself caught in cycles of recommitment followed by self-criticism, you are not alone. Many people seek therapy not because they lack insight or effort, but because change feels harder than expected. Support can make a meaningful difference when progress feels slow, when shame is loud, or when old patterns reappear at the exact moments you most want to do things differently.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy offers a structured, evidence-based approach to building emotional regulation, behavioral flexibility, and self-trust over time. If you would like to learn more about working with me, you can visit here. You do not need to wait for a new year or a symbolic turning point. Meaningful change begins with the next small, workable step, repeated over time, within the right kind of support.
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Read more from Jean-Gabrielle Short
Jean-Gabrielle Short, Clinical Director
Jean Short is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Clinical Director of Wise-Mind DBT Brisbane and Brisbane EMDR Clinic. She specialises in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Eye-Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), and trauma-informed practice. Jean is completing postgraduate study in Sexology, deepening her understanding of identity, sexuality, and relational wellbeing. Her work integrates compassion, evidence-based treatment, and social justice values to support clients in rebuilding their lives.
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