When Is It Time to Stop Blaming Others?
Dr. Stacey Lamar is a seasoned nurse practitioner and healer. Author of Starseed, published in 2021, she developed The Forgiveness Factor, steps to complete self-healing and return to one's authentic self, mission, and purpose.
Life can be challenging at times. We may not be accepted into the college we aimed for, the person we wanted to be with isn’t interested, and money may be a struggle. Life, relationships, career, the trials can seem endless. But is it accurate to blame life’s challenges on our childhood?
Our family is our beginning, our foundation. The family dynamic shapes our culture and beliefs. It’s our foundation that sets the stage for negotiating our lives as adults. To lay blame at the feet of our past is a natural response. It can be comforting at times. Blaming our parents can feel empowering, but blame doesn’t solve problems. Reflecting on our past to gain perspective on current events can be helpful, but repeatedly blaming the past is not.
Family dynamics vary greatly. Dysfunctional, chaotic, and abusive environments can create emotionally unstable people who may struggle to find peace in life. Further, they may not know how to create a peaceful life. Loving, calm, and well-adjusted environments can create balanced adults who may not be prepared for the challenging events life inevitably presents. They may struggle to negotiate tough times.
The act of blaming others is a defense mechanism that allows us to extend responsibility to another person or event and shield ourselves from any accountability. Subsequently, blame may lead to a perception of powerlessness. If they are the reason I hurt, then they are the reason I can’t heal.
A common resistance to ending blame is the perception that the past situation or the perpetrator is being given a pass without appropriate punishment. Therefore, blame is held for days or decades because of the need for justice. This premise sounds plausible, however, the emotional impact isn’t healthy. Holding on to past pain gives the circumstance or person lasting power. It is power-depleting, not empowering.
Blame brings a sense of clarity and validation to the circumstances we are experiencing, and in a measured dose, can be helpful. But a pattern of repeated blame limits personal growth. It becomes a reflex response that impedes behavioral or situational change. Therefore, repeated blame is problematic.
Signs that blame is no longer helpful:
Repeating complaints without making important changes.
Becoming consumed with what should have been.
Feeling that anger toward family requires more energy than letting go.
Feeling powerless or out of control.
Waiting for an apology before healing can happen.
Releasing the need to blame is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight, and it requires commitment to personal healing. The decision to stop blaming may be gradual and often follows a moment of quiet honesty when the realization that holding on to anger is no longer fulfilling. It is then that blame can become the impetus for self-healing and restoration.
Blame as a means to healing:
It helps place circumstances in context.
It can remove self-blame.
It can validate emotions.
It offers guidance toward modifying behavior.
The desire to create a healthy life requires accepting past events and successfully negotiating current stressors, rather than blaming others to overcome them. Personal growth is an extension of awareness of one’s past and making a conscious choice not to be defined by it. Living in the present and no longer dwelling on what has become a memory. Personal growth requires determination to not repeat patterns and the desire to create a healthier life.
The decision to take responsibility for one’s life is empowering. It expands your world, opens a fresh chapter, and closes out the chapter that no longer has control over you. This expansion is the first step toward creating anew. Re-acting becomes creation, and past grief becomes courage.
The courage that was always there, ready to see the world through a healthier lens.
The choice to let go of the past and pursue healing is a courageous one. It takes time, and it takes an understanding that healing has ebbs and flows, good days and bad ones. The road is not flat, but it is not impossible to conquer. The most important first step is choosing yourself first.
Prioritize your own needs when it comes to healing. As I have recommended so many times before, start a journal and outline what you wish to release. Spend time each day reviewing and celebrating accomplishments, even the smallest ones. You will know you are on the right path when you begin to feel the following more frequently:
Less reactive during situations or with people.
The ability to create clear boundaries where needed.
The story loses its emotional charge.
You no longer need validation.
You no longer measure current days against the past.
Healing from trauma can be an arduous process, but it can be easier if you have someone to lean on. If you are struggling with self-care in any form, I recommend seeking professional assistance from a trusted source. If you would like more information or guidance on your healing journey, Dr. Stacey Lamar can be reached through her studio at her website or here.
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Dr. Stacey Lamar, Nurse Practitioner & Healer
Dr. Stacey Lamar is an experienced women's health provider who has risen from the ashes of childhood trauma and abuse in many forms to become a leader in assisting others to heal and return to their personal power. She is an author and successful business entrepreneur. Her healing strategy assists in the realignment of oneself to the origins of one's mission and purpose and the strengthening of body-mind-spirit to the collective consciousness.
