What to Say to and What Not to Say to a Person Who Is Going Through IVF
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 13
- 9 min read
Danijela is an award-winning therapist, educator, public speaker, and contributor to revolutionising mental health and fertility therapy, and creator of an innovative approach to helping women overcome mental barriers to conception and pregnancy. She has developed a course that upskills professionals to achieve great results with pregnancy issues.
Everyone's IVF journey is so sensitive and different. Choose carefully the words you use to express empathy, understanding, and support. In this article, we explore the power of language and the importance of mindset on your fertility journey, how to speak to people who go through the IVF process, and how to bring them back hope.
The power of language
Language is older than us; it has immense power, and its impact depends entirely on how we wield it.
Because words are so often used automatically and unconsciously, we have learned to treat them lightly. In daily conversation, we speak the majority of our words from habit, convenience, and social obligation rather than from clear intent.
If we realized the potential that language has to create and transform our lives, we would pay a great deal more attention to our utterances. We’d be as determined to get our language “in shape” as we are to master and hone our bodies.
Whether or not we realize it, we are constantly using language to evolve our ideas and beliefs into concrete reality. By becoming more aware of the impact and power of language, we can make more conscious, insightful choices about how we express ourselves and how we interpret others.
Doctors, nurses, and technicians can unknowingly programme women for perpetual infertility. The way some of these professionals speak to women can be very harmful and can program them for failure in fertility procedures.
These are the things doctors have actually said to my clients that didn’t help them boost fertility:
‘I doubt you have enough eggs at this point, so maybe you should look into other options. ’
‘The IVF probably won’t even work for you, but you can try it if you want to.
‘Let's just start right off with IVF, the other stuff doesn't really work anyway.
‘You don’t want to get your hopes up, you’re over 30. ’
So my clients have a belief that ‘they are not capable’, that ‘it is not likely to work’, or ‘they are too old’, or ‘that their body will fail them’.
The result is several rounds of IVF that don't work, unexplained infertility, and conception just never happens.
It is true that your egg count goes down quite a bit after 30, and so from a scientific perspective, the odds decrease, but that is just it, they are odds, and you only need one egg, just one!
Advice: Give every thought observation, examination, evaluation, and reframe it.
The statistics show that the IVF success rate is 25%, and what the patients hear is ‘I have a 75% chance of failure’. When the mindset component is left out of fertility, it can be a bad prognosis.
Adopting a fertility mindset
Your mind is so powerful and your mind is in every cell of your body. There are three things which are critical.
The desire to have a baby,
Having the right beliefs, and
Creating an expectation that you will have your perfect baby.
Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve. Think about the power of the words you say to yourself.
Be careful how you use the word ‘my’. For example, ‘my infertility‘, or ‘ my tubal problems‘, or ‘my inability to conceive‘. ‘My’ is a possessive word, and when you attach it to something you want to fix or remove in your life, the mind will not let go.
You will become pregnant when you are expecting a baby, not dreaming, hoping, not wishing, but expecting. That means feeling, seeing, believing, and knowing that the baby is on its way to you. This is precisely why many couples, after adoption, conceive naturally; it is because they, as adoptive parents, were expecting to become parents again. I will share some examples with you in this article.
Imagination is more powerful than logic-law of the mind
Your imagination has a dominant power over logic. Now that is another law of the mind. If you imagine having a baby but are afraid of miscarriage and associate pain with pregnancy, then you will sabotage yourself on a subconscious level, because the mind does not like conflicting beliefs. If, on the other hand, you use your imagination to visualise how easily you conceive your baby naturally or through IVF, that you have a perfect pregnancy and a healthy baby, then you will create a positive expectation. Logic gets you predictable results, but imagination gives you extraordinary outcomes.
There is a trio: a desire to have a baby, having the right beliefs, and having an expectation. You see, having a desire to have a baby, to hold the baby in your arms, integrates wonderful feelings, activates your imagination, having the right beliefs creates a foundation, but having an expectation creates certainty because an expectation is more than believing it's knowing that it will happen.
How to show empathy?
Fertility is a personal journey. Showing empathy while being honest about what you may or may not know about the process is the best way to be there for someone. Also, avoid jumping to conclusions. Everyone's IVF journey is so sensitive and different.
The way people feel during different stages is different. Saying “oh, I had a friend/family member/coworker who went through IVF” and then acting like knowing what that person is going through is not helpful. Acknowledging that the journey is mentally, emotionally, and physically painful is helpful.
A 2023 study from Pew Research Center found that about four-in-ten of US adults (42% ) have either used fertility treatments or personally know someone who has. When someone shares they are going through IVF, it can be hard to know what to say, especially when the process can be equal parts hopeful and heartbreaking.
If your friend, coworker, or family member is going through IVF. Here is what to say and what not to say.
What not to say
“Why don’t you just adopt? ” Adoption is not the route to having a family that your friend or family member has chosen right now, so this can come off as unsupportive. What they expect is to have their biological child, and you need to respect their choice. Also, there are people who previously tried to adopt and spent years in the process. It is not easy to adopt, and it is hard enough when it does not work out. They do not need to be reminded that it did not work out.
“Well, you never know!” Everyone has heard of a couple who struggled through rounds of IVF, then luckily conceived, but this is not the case for everyone. Suggesting that just relaxing, meditating, or going on vacation could lead to conception is all too common and hurtful.
Saying nothing. Do not pretend that the single biggest struggle of your friend's life is not happening.
Do not try to share or compare a struggle if you did not go through IVF. It is a slap in the face. It is better to say: I can not imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry, it is more than enough.
“I am excited for you.” When someone shares that they are going through IVF, do not say that it is exciting. People who go through this process do not find anything to be exciting about it, until they get pregnant.
“Who has the issue, you or him?” Be so real right now. This is rude.
Do not shame people for their age. Another thing is that if someone is over 40, do not shame them or ask if they are sure they want a baby at their age. If they are doing IVF, donor, or adoption, the answer is yes.
If someone does not want to talk about it, please respect that.
What to say
“I am here for you if there's anything you need.” Whether it is driving them to an appointment or running an errand for them when they are overwhelmed, a reminder that you are ready to support your friend goes a long way.
“I don’t really know much about it.” While you should not rely on your friend for a science lesson, you can not be expected to know the details of the IVF process if you have never gone through it. Being honest about that can be helpful. Doing some research is helpful because it means so much to your friend when their loved ones understand the difference between an egg retrieval and an embryo transfer.
“I will get this.” IVF is expensive. Paying for your friend's coffee or suggesting a dinner at home instead of a pricey night out are small acts of kindness that can add up.
“I know someone else is going through it, if you ever wanted to talk. ” Many people do not know anyone else going through IVF, so if you can connect two people who are willing to share about their experience, that is great.
“Thinking of you” or “let me know if you need anything” is the most helpful. If you have not gone through it, it is hard to relate to it. Do not ask questions about test results, timelines, etc. Just be there for your friend and whatever they want to share.
Understand the laws of the mind
The greatest power we possess is located in our subconscious mind, but our subconscious mind is an amazing paradox. It does not have any ability to reason by itself, but it still possesses an incredible number of abilities and factors of intelligence. Your subconscious mind has five internal senses: inner vision, inner hearing, inner smell, inner taste, and inner touch. We actually proved this by actually having it while we dream. How is this possible if we sleep? It is possible because you use the five subconscious senses of your subconscious mind. It is this potential where you can use your subconscious senses for the visualization process. You must know the laws of the mind so that you can cooperate with your mind. The first law says your mind has only one job: to help you survive on the planet. The subconscious does what it’s supposed to do, how it’s programmed to work.
The best analogy is with artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence is an amazing platform capable of performing millions of calculations almost instantaneously, but it is completely indifferent whether it is necessary to solve the problem of world hunger or to start a nuclear war. Just as the body can be filled with toxins due to wrong nutrition, the subconscious mind can also be filled with wrong programming.
The subconscious mind is equally happy when it builds and when it destroys the body because it will only create what it is programmed to create. This is precisely why our subconscious mind is sometimes working against our wishes and intentions, even when we want something so desperately, as in conception. The subconscious mind only applies the programs installed.
This is why the key to using the power of your mind is in constant reprogramming for health, success, and offspring. To become aware that a dream is a dream, we must first wake up. Likewise, to become aware of our subconscious fears and mental blocks, we have to make them aware.
How to give them hope?
Do some research online about successful IVF stories and share those exciting news with your friends who go through IVF. Here is an example:
In November 2017, an American woman gave birth to a daughter after receiving a donated embryo that had been frozen for 25 years. She also made a vision of welcoming the embryo into her womb and seeing it as the baby’s first home.
It’s your womb, and you can make it just as receptive and welcoming as a happy and good place to be.
I teach my clients this affirmation: ‘My embryo easily implants in my womb’.
Before trying to implant an embryo, she and her husband fostered several children and enjoyed doing so. They saw themselves as parents in every way. They fully accepted themselves as parents, and they expected to become parents again.
This explains why couples in the process of adoption often conceive and why many conceive naturally after a successful IVF baby.
The oldest known frozen embryos, which resulted in a successful birth in 2022, were 30 years old according to the National Embryo Donation Centre.
I teach my clients to expect a miracle. I share these stories of miracles and successful pregnancies that will excite their imagination and help them reimagine and restore their original fertility potential. For the same reason, it is important to know the examples of famous people who managed to have children in their late 30s and 40s. I always teach my clients to expect a miracle.
Find professional support
At Mind Freedom Therapy, we offer mental health support through every stage of the reproductive journey and help our clients to remove subconscious mental blocks about pregnancy and conception. We create personalized programs and audio recordings to help them reprogram their mind for conception.
I am an Award-winning Therapist and have had enormous success with helping women all over the world to get pregnant.
Read more from Danijela Mrdak
Danijela Mrdak, Therapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Trauma And Fertility Therapist
Danijela Mrdak is an award-winning therapist, clinical hypnotherapist, and trauma and fertility therapist practicing the Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) method. She also holds a Masters in Law. She specialises in female fertility issues, including conception, IVF, pregnancy, and pre/post-natal issues.
She has had enormous success in helping women all over the world to conceive. Danijela has received awards and recognition for her extraordinary contributions to mental health and fertility therapy and for her innovative approach to helping women overcome mental barriers to pregnancy. She developed a comprehensive course specifically aimed at therapists, coaches, and hypnotherapists to support them in assisting women and conception.
