The Silent Weight and Sacred Honor of Leadership
- Brainz Magazine
- May 16
- 4 min read
Written by Santarvis Brown, Leadership Engineer
Dr. Santarvis Brown has spent 15+ years serving as a leader, innovator, and changemaker in education, showcasing in-depth insight as an administrator, educator, and program director.
There comes a moment in every leader’s journey, not under the stage lights, not during a performance review, not after the applause fades, where they sit with their own thoughts and quietly ask...
“Did I do enough?”
Not: Did I show up?
Not: Did I lead well?
But that gnawing, soul-searching question: Did I give all I could have given to make the difference they needed?
It’s a question that rarely finds an answer. Because the most devoted leaders are often the ones who doubt themselves the most. Why? Because they led with heart. They poured out their soul in the service of others. And when you give from that deep a place, it never feels like it was enough.
But here is the holy truth: Effective leadership rarely feels like victory, it feels like sacrifice.
The invisible ledger
Every real leader carries an invisible ledger, one that doesn’t measure profits or productivity, but moments:
The meeting they made time for while quietly missing their child’s recital.
The long email answered after midnight because someone needed clarity.
The tears they shed in silence after holding strong for everyone else.
The phone call they returned when they, too, were struggling but showed up anyway.
They don’t keep that ledger to boast. They keep it because they remember what they could’ve done differently. What they wanted to fix but couldn’t. What they wish they had more time, more strength, more wisdom to improve.
That’s the cost of carrying people in your heart.
And it’s why so many leaders go to bed at night feeling like they fell short.
But what they don’t see, what they often can’t see, is what those they served are holding.
The other ledger: The one we’ll never see
The mother who finally found the courage to go back to school…
The student who believed in herself because you said she could…
The colleague who found peace because you created a safe space to talk…
The team member who stayed, who didn’t quit on life, because of your example…
They’re not holding your flaws. They’re not fixating on the things you forgot or the moments that didn’t go perfectly.
They’re holding onto the way you showed up. To the way you cared. To the way you saw them when they felt invisible.
You may never know the full impact of your leadership. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
The burden and blessing of never feeling done
The best leaders are haunted not by pride, but by humility.Not by all they’ve accomplished, but by what they still hope to do.
And while the world may call that insecurity, in truth, it is evidence of love.
Because only love keeps striving. Only love wrestles with Did I do enough?
But here’s the paradox: the leaders who worry they didn’t do enough…
Are almost always the ones who did far more than anyone ever expected.
That mother who thinks she didn’t give her kids enough?
To them, she gave the world.
That teacher who doubts if their lessons stuck?
To that student, they were the spark that lit the fire.
That pastor who wonders if their prayers made a difference?
To the grieving family, they were a lifeline.
That CEO who feels they could have led better?
To the team, they were a shield, a lighthouse, a foundation.
You were more than enough.
Even in your doubt. Even in your fatigue. Especially in your humanity.
Legacy isn’t loud
One day, someone will tell the story of how your words carried them through a storm.
Of how your belief in them helped them believe in themselves.
Of how your courage to keep leading, when you wanted to give up, taught them resilience.
They may not tell it to your face.
They may not even realize it right away.
But your leadership left fingerprints on their future.
Your legacy isn’t in titles, but in testimonies.
Not in metrics, but in memories.
You will not always get to see the fruit of your labor.
But trust this: the seed you planted is still growing.
To the leader who’s still asking
To the leader who stayed when quitting would have been easier...To the leader who chose integrity over popularity…To the leader who wiped their own tears so they could dry someone else’s…To the leader who showed up, even when exhausted, even when uncelebrated, even when uncertain…
Let these words echo in your soul:
You did more than enough.
You were grace in motion.
You were a bridge when someone was drowning.
You were a whisper of hope when someone was losing theirs.
You will never be able to measure your full impact
Because leadership is less about being remembered and more about helping others remember who they are.
It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being present.
Not about having all the answers—but being willing to listen.
Not about reaching every goal—but reaching the heart of just one.
And if you reached one… you reached eternity.
So tonight, when the question comes again: Did I do enough?
Let your soul respond:
I gave what I had. I loved as deeply as I could. I led with heart. And that--that was more than enough.
Santarvis Brown, Leadership Engineer
Dr. Santarvis Brown has spent 15+ years serving as a leader, innovator, and changemaker in education, showcasing in-depth insight as an administrator, educator, and program director. A noted speaker, researcher, and full professor, he has lent his speaking talent to many community and educational forums, serving as a keynote speaker. He has also penned several publications tackling issues in civic service, faith, leadership, and education.
