The Root Of Our Suffering – Expectation And Reality
- May 8, 2022
- 4 min read
Written by: Bruno Vanherberghen, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The definition of suffering is the state of experiencing pain, distress, or hardship.
We all know what suffering is. We have all been there. Many of us might be in that place right now. Most of us spend some proportion of our day-to-day experience in some form of suffering. We might be aware of it. We might not be aware of it. But it is there, ever present inside us.
Suffering is a distinctly personal experience. We can verbally relate and talk about how we feel with loved ones, friends, people close to us. Sometimes it is easier to discuss with a person we do not have a personal relationship with, such as a therapist or a coach. That said, we do tend to endure a lot on our own, most of us don’t really talk about it. This is particularly true for men. Exactly why it is like this is hard to say. Childhood conditioning? Social pressure? Maybe we do not want to feel like a burden? Fake it till we make it? Keeping up appearances? Who knows? But it is a reality. We often do not talk easily or openly about the most profound things ongoing inside us.
So, what is the cause of our suffering?
When we can detach ourselves from external expectations and look inwards, most of us have a relatively clear picture of who we want to be, what we want from life, our goals, dreams, and aspirations.
This is the image we have of our future selves. We don’t know everything, but for some of the more important parts of our lives, we do know.
We then have the reality of whom we are today and where we are in our progress towards these goals and visions.
It is the gap between where we are today and where we want to be that is a significant cause of our suffering.
We want to be in the future place but are struggling to get it together in the present moment. There is a disconnect between expectation and reality.
So, what can we do?
We want to decrease the gap between these two. The smaller the gap, the greater contentment and inner satisfaction we will feel.
First, we can see whether the expectations we have of our future selves are realistic or not. It is possible to adjust that picture, to revise our vision. Are we being overambitious somewhere? Do we set too high demands or expectations on ourselves? It can help to downplay our ambition in the short term. It can be useful to use SMART goals for example. As we make progress, we can always revise.
Second, set realistic expectations on what we want to achieve today. It might be that we feel we have a long list of things that we want to change. Tackling too many things at the same time is often counterproductive and is a great way to set us up for failure and disappointment. Choose one thing you want to change and do it with 100% of your being. Make it your absolute top priority for the day. And importantly, do it. No more accepting excuses. Once you get consistent there, find the next item to tackle.
Finally, there is a real gift in learning to accept and be satisfied with our current state of being. Do you recognize the following thought – “When I have achieved this, or done then, then I will be satisfied and happy.”? Achievements can be anti-climactic, not this big great thing that we can make them out to be in our minds. If we can find contentment and gratitude for where we are today, that is a big step forward in our general wellbeing. It doesn’t mean we don’t have things we are working on or improving but it does mean that we don’t necessarily need those things right now to feel contentment.
Bruno Vanherberghen, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Bruno is a life coach, specialized in helping people overcome their addictions and compulsive patterns. He knows how to step out of old patterns and emerge on the other side with a newfound freedom and drive for life. The ability to delay instant gratification to pursue longer term goals, follow and realize dreams and aspiration. We need to do things differently and Bruno is an expert at helping to manage personal change.
He suffered from heavy depression during his 20's at which point many of his compulsive behaviors spiraled out of control. Alcohol, drugs, porn, caffeine, sugar, gaming, food issues were some of his personal struggles. He can proudly say that the compulsion is a thing of the past.
He has coached over 700 individuals, has over 120 customer verified testimonials, an approval rating of 95% and more than 98% improve.
He has a deep personal understanding of addiction and is empathic, encouraging, caring with an occasional gentle firmness to help people realize the goals they set for themselves. His mission: to support people to realize their full potential.
