The Necessity Of Selfishness
- Brainz Magazine
- Dec 7, 2021
- 6 min read
Written by: Jem Fuller, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Your capacity to effectively contribute to the betterment of society is directly correlated to the quality of your internal world; your relationship with yourself. The more of your ‘mind space’ taken up with internal conflict, i.e. unresolved past, unacceptance, attachment, self-deprecation, self-doubt, self-loathing, fixation and so on, the less ‘bandwidth’ and clarity of mind available to effectively add value to life beyond self. The more self-consumed you are, the less time you have for contribution, and the less effective you are in your attempts.
Here lies the paradox. To make it ‘not about you’, you need to ‘make it about you’. You need to initiate and continue a practise of internal resolving, clearing the murkiness and convolution of your pre-dispositions, to continually improve your ability of clarity and presence. In this way, the quality of any of your attempted contributions toward the greater good improves proportionally.
We perceive the world and our place within it relationally, by a myriad of pre-judgements and expectations formed from our past experiences and the meanings and stories we associated with them. This becomes our belief system. Our mind is a busy place of sorting and attempted sense-making of external and internal stimuli. As a part of this process, we filter and perceive information through the lenses of this ‘system of beliefs’. Your relationship with the past very much determines your experience of the present moment.
This internal world of the mind is the place in which your sense of self exists. The experience you have of being the continuous subject-at-the-centre-of-everything, the constant and common denominator through the ever-changing world around you, exists only in your mind. The perception you have of yourself, your ‘relationship with self’, is inextricably and literally bound up in the same complex neurology that forms the foundation of your relationship to all life – the quality of your mind.
The quality of your mind is not static and need not be necessarily accidental. You can consciously and intentionally improve this relationship of mind with self and past. A dedication to this is then using the paradox on itself, to concurrently improve the quality of any attempted outward contribution. To do this, you need to dedicate time for yourself; doing things that nourish you. You need to be functionally selfish to be more functionally selfless.
This doesn’t mean you need to ‘get your house in perfect order’ before spending time toward the betterment of society (or life in general). There can’t be a ‘perfect’ state of being in relationship to self/life, only in that you are perfectly imperfect at any given moment of the journey into your potential. If you sit at home only working on yourself, waiting until you are in ‘perfect order’, you will arguably be waiting forever. The quest for internal peace can be undertaken with the quest to play your part in society, concurrently.
This is not to be confused with Jordan Peterson’s Rule 6, from his book, 12 Rules for Life, in which he states, ‘get your house in perfect order before criticising the world’. The way I read this part of his work is that before you blame anything outside of yourself; others, the system, the world, life, and/or before you try to tell others how they should live, or try to rule as a leader, make sure you’re doing everything you can to live your best life first – with integrity. I don’t think Jordan is trying to say there is an ultimate, attainable and unified ‘perfect order’, other than, truly listening to what you know is right and acting accordingly. Furthermore, he doesn’t appear to be saying, ‘don’t go out and contribute until…’, rather, ‘don’t criticise or attempt to rule others until…’.
What I am suggesting is that when you create a balance of time spent in practices designed to resolve (and therefore improve) your sense of self, with time spent out in ‘the big wide world’ contributing, the more effective your contributions become. Oh, and by the way, the easier your experience of living (and dying) becomes too. The flip side of looking at this is – the more time you spend in suffering, the less time you have to give of yourself to life.
So, what does ‘functional selfishness’ look like? Here are some suggestions you could adopt if you are not already practising them:
Schedule repeating and non-negotiable ‘me time’ blocks in your weekly schedule.
These times are for you to do things that are solely intended to be good for you; your body, mind and/or ‘soul’. Do you like reading books but ‘never have the time’? Do you say you should meditate regularly but don’t? Would you like to have a regular solo-walk-in-nature practise listening to music or a podcast? Do you wish you practised yoga or Pilates? You get the idea. Rally those closest to you when you are setting this up. Let them know why you will be dedicating time to yourself. Help them understand and therefore support you to take this time.
Then, stick to it. Soon you will see that you form the rest of your commitments around these blocks of time until it just becomes the natural order of things in your week. The message you are sending yourself is a healthy one; you deserve this, you are worthy, you are enough.
Get better at saying no.
You may be already quite good at this. Some of us are and some of us aren’t. If you are in the latter category, here is a wonderful opportunity to practise functional selfishness. There are, no doubt, many reasons why ‘people pleasers’ always say yes, even if it’s to their own detriment, and then probably carry resentment towards the people who continually ask them to do things. Quite often at the core of these reasons will be some version of ‘I’m not enough’, and therefore need to continually try to seek approval by making others happy.
This can lead to suffering as the martyr whose cause is the ‘I am not worthy’ racket. The irony being that your selfless acts for everyone else are potentially tainted with negative energy. By choosing the appropriate times to say, ‘Actually, I’m not available to do this for you, you’ll have to find someone else.’, you will notice a reduction in resentment, and over time a calmer and stronger internal world of self-respect and love. Then when you do choose to do things for others, the quality of your giving is better.
Commence daily positive affirmations.
The evidence that has emerged from scientific studies into affirmations is well summarised in Catherine Moore’s article Positive Daily Affirmations: Is There Science Behind It published on the PositivePsychology.com website on 25/11/2021. In short, we know that repeating positive self-affirmations daily has a positive impact on your life; that is to say, on your sense of self, the quality of your mind and your perception/relationship to the world around you.
Circling back to my argument at the top of this article, the more ‘OK’ you are with yourself, the less consumed you are with internal conflict, the greater and clearer your capacity to be present and available for others is.
My hope is that this article has provided reason with enough for you to dedicate more time to yourself and your health, knowing it will benefit life around you in the process. If you are interested in more material and resource to help you with this, you can access my books and online courses through my website www.jemfuller.com or on Amazon.com
Jem Fuller, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jem Fuller is a trusted advisor and coach to executive and senior leaders across the public, private and not-for-profit sectors. He brings a fresh perspective from his colourful life of adventures and experiences around the world; from barefoot backpacker, fire-dancer and tattooist, to kindergarten teacher, travel consultant and corporate leader (and many things in between!).
His company, Leaders in Life, has been taking leaders on programs to the remote Himalayan mountains of NW India, the jungles of Northern Bali and remote desert regions of NW Australia since 2014. Jem combines his studies in various ancient healing modalities, mind practises and human behaviour to create practical and relatable strategies for improving leadership and culture.
Jem is a TEDx speaker and the author of 'The Art of Conscious Communication for Thoughtful Men', and 'What Matters Most'. He is regarded as an expert in communication and resilience. Jem's mission: Making lives easier. You can watch his TEDx talk here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lxeRsIi1S0"
