The Freedom Structure of the Intimate Relationship
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
Bilyana Wharton is an integrative psychotherapist and hypnotherapist specialising in trauma recovery and relationship therapy. She works with adult survivors of childhood adversities, abuse, and relational trauma using the T.I.M.E. model of psychotherapy. Her mission is to change the world, one person at a time.
The Freedom Structure in intimate relationships provides a framework grounded in specific principles to help couples balance autonomy and togetherness, aiming for lasting success. While love, care, and tenderness are central, flourishing in today’s intimate relationships requires more to adapt to our evolving world. Strong connections are essential for both individual and collective growth.
Intimate relationships today are built primarily on love, marking an evolutionary shift that demonstrates the importance of understanding new models like the Freedom Structure, which is organised around five main principles, balancing autonomy and connection, maintaining individual authenticity, fostering healthy communication and boundaries, cultivating shared values, and developing a shared vision for the future.
The Freedom Structure gives couples a way to balance autonomy and connection. For example, partners may set aside time for personal activities while reserving evenings for shared experiences. This approach encourages respect for individual needs and strengthens the emotional bond, supporting open communication and adaptability in changing circumstances.
1. Maintaining autonomy
It is only when we are happy with who we have become as a person that the chance of attracting the right partner increases. The ability to feel comfortable being yourself in the presence of others is a key factor in the enterprise's success. We all put our best foot forward at the beginning of getting to know each other. Nothing wrong with that. It is natural and exciting. A healthy relationship does not require a person to adapt or change at the expense of their authenticity.
Be yourself, respectfully!
The relationship is like a new, autonomous enterprise with its distinctly unique existence, rules, benefits, and demands, created by and dependent on the two equally individual partners.
2. Maintaining connection
There must be attraction, desire, excitement, and a closer bond for two people to want to spend time together. The rule here is to be self-aware, have a clear understanding of one another, build trust, and engage through open communication.
However, a lack of disagreement or argument in a relationship does not necessarily indicate harmony, instead, it may suggest that one or both partners are not fully expressing their thoughts or needs. When disagreement is absent, issues may be suppressed rather than addressed, causing the accumulation of lingering tensions. In practice, I have observed that couples who claim they never argue are often surprised when deep-rooted issues cause symptoms such as infidelity or addiction to emerge, disrupting the superficial stability of their relationship. This suggests that healthy disagreement can be a vital means of surfacing and resolving concerns before they evolve into more significant problems.
Within the connection, there is a space for interdependence, trust, and co-regulation. The principle is, if you fall, I will catch you and vice versa. That is perhaps the only expectation worth maintaining in the intimate space.
I always say that in a relationship of two, there are three entities, the two partners and the relationship. Partners who become parents often neglect the intimate enterprise in the name of the children or the family, and that is a mistake. If you neglect the union, even if the reason is noble, inevitably the connection will be compromised.
3. Communicating boundaries
Boundaries are the invisible line in the sand that keeps us safe and protected. It is often mistaken for an attempt to keep others out, but really, they are the parameters of safety within which we feel comfortable operating. Boundaries can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, temporal, digital, and financial/material. They are not set in stone and are flexible and adjustable. If rigidity persists, it becomes a barrier that serves as a defensive mechanism, indicating an issue that requires attention.
Boundaries can be communicated, sometimes directly or indirectly, verbally or through actions. The ability to do so can strengthen trust between partners and clarify their respective positions in the relationship. Respecting each other’s boundaries is necessary to maintain a healthy, deep connection.
4. Shared values
If you notice who the people you spend most time with by choice are, and you ask yourself why, you will discover that, at the core, you share mutually held values, which makes the connection safer, more effortless, and more enjoyable. If you value kindness and cooperation, it is unlikely you would associate yourself with disagreeable and aggressive people. But if you value kindness and cooperation but lack self-worth and assertiveness, you may become dominated by an aggressive, disagreeable person.
This is why healthy self-concept and shared values are essential in any healthy friendship, and the core of a successful intimate relationship is becoming best friends.
5. Have a shared dream for the future
Life is full of possibilities, opportunities, and temptations, and they are always available. Choosing to be in a long-term relationship is one of the most challenging and fulfilling experiences in life.
The Harvard Study of Human Development, one of the longest-running studies spanning over 85 years, found that people consistently rated a stable romantic relationship as a top need and priority in life.
That identifies the need to have the conversation about the life we want to build, the kind of couple we wish to be, the family we want to have, the career and experiences we aspire to, the purpose we hold, and the contributions we want to make. Being able to do so will help the couple make decisions, plan, and accommodate each other’s needs and those of the family, negotiate compromises and even sacrifices.
Having pre-marital therapy can be a healthy way to explore the values each of the partners holds in a safe and non-judgmental space. Alignment with the vision for the shared future is vital not only for the survival of the relationship but also for happiness and life satisfaction. An attitude of honesty and well-appointed clarity can sustain togetherness through decades of happiness despite any adversities that your journey together may present.
Read more from Bilyana Wharton
Bilyana Wharton, Integrative Psychotherapist and Hypnotherapist
Bilyana Wharton is an experienced psychotherapist assisting clients to overcome the aftermath of trauma and abuse. Her therapy work encompasses conditions such as C-PTSD, Anxiety Disorders, Depression, and Relationship Issues.
True to her instinctive and artistic nature, she has transitioned from a career in music and teaching to training as an integrative psychotherapist and hypnotherapist. Studying at Chrysalis Courses UK sparked an interest in the multi-model integrative therapy. Using the T.I.M.E. model, Bilyana utilises strategies and modalities of different therapy schools and theories, including CBT, Gestalt, Transactional Analysis, Attachment Theory, Parts Therapy, Relational Therapy, and Hypnotherapy.
