The Duality Of Desire – Fear And Freedom In Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships
- Feb 1, 2024
- 3 min read
Written by: Dr. Rachael Meir, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Relationships often oscillate between the pursuit of freedom and the pull of fear. It’s a continuous balancing act of seeking openness and adventure while also wanting stability and security. Specifically, in ethical non-monogamy, you might feel torn between wanting freedom but also fearing its consequences.
Throughout my years of guiding individuals like yourself through these uncharted waters, I've noticed common fears that tend to surface. I find that recognizing these fears and understanding how they impact our lives is instrumental in fostering the changes needed to achieve the relationship you desire.
Fear of abandonment
One of the most common fears I witness is the fear of feeling abandoned. It's not just the fear of being physically left behind but the emotional disconnection that sometimes accompanies it.
This fear tends to intensify significantly when your partner and your metamour start making their own plans and spend time independently.
Fear of rejection
The fear of rejection often presents itself as well, intertwining with questions about one’s self-worth and acceptance. This fear may manifest in situations where expressing vulnerability (which can be quite frequent when you’re new to ethical non-monogamy) or sharing one’s desires is met with dismissal or disapproval.
Fear of external judgement
Societal norms often clash with the choices we make in pursuing non-traditional relationships, thus leading people to feel scrutinized, criticized, or misunderstood. This fear of external judgment is a major factor that holds individuals back from exploring ethical non-monogamy, even if it's something they’ve been wanting to try.
Fear of loss of control
If monogamous relationships have been your life’s norm, then you’re probably used to monogamous dynamics, routines, and outcomes. Exploring ethical non-monogamy can feel like you’re losing control over those familiar expectations and that can be very overwhelming for some.
Fear of living a more complicated life
There's a notion that having multiple partners immediately equates to a complicated life. Until people realize that “complicated” is different from “complex”, this misconception will continue to instill fear and hinder interested individuals from giving ethical non-monogamy a try.
Fear of constant comparison
The idea that your partner might be comparing you to others can be distressing and trigger feelings of inadequacy. Perceived scrutiny and evaluation from partners can discourage a lot from taking the leap into ethical non-monogamy altogether.
Fear of unbalanced relationships
The fear of unbalanced relationships often comes up when people worry about how time, attention, or emotions are divided among their partners. Scared to feel left out or less important, this fear can contribute to those new to ethical non-monogamy, discouraging them from fully embracing the experience.
Turn fear into fearlessness
Acknowledging and naming these fears is the first step in overcoming them, and if you've reached this point in the article, you've already taken that initial stride. What comes next?
I invite you to join Defy Relationship Conformity, my coaching program designed to help you move past these fears and lead you towards freedom and fulfillment in ethical non-monogamy. Many individuals have transformed their fears into fearlessness under my guidance, and I'm eager to help you do the same.
Visit my website or book a call to initiate a conversation and let's start on this journey together!
Dr. Rachael Meir, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Rachael Meir is a Stanford-trained psychologist and Contemporary Relationship Clini-Coach® who specializes in ethical/consensual non-monogamy (including swinging, open relationships, polyamory, and other alternative lifestyles) and is sex-positive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and BDSM/kink aware. As a bisexual woman in a polyamorous triad relationship herself, Dr. Meir is dedicated to helping individuals navigate the challenges of opening their relationships and sustaining multiple sexual and romantic partnerships. With extensive experience working with a wide range of clients, she has a deep understanding of the unique challenges faced by those living outside the bounds of heteronormative sexual orientations and monogamous relationship structures. She offers individual and group coaching to help clients learn the necessary skills to create secure and healthy relationships that work best for them.
Sources:
https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/managing-trauma-and-polyamory/
https://www.newswise.com/articles/people-who-practice-consensual-non-monogamy-can
https://www.healthline.com/health/understanding-and-overcoming-fear-of-the-unknown:
https://polyammering.blog/2021/01/25/sabotage-by-comparison/
https://www.allohealth.care/healthfeed/sex-education/feeling-left-out-in-a-poly-relationship
https://www.brainzmagazine.com/executive-contributor/Dr.-Rachael-Meir
