Written by: Tania Friedlander, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the process of working with emotions to get back into a centered, unbothered state where you can perform at your best. The more emotionally stable we are, the less distance there is to traverse from an unregulated place to a regulated one when we are triggered, or challenges arise — and the better equipped we are to center ourselves again as well.
While we all experience anger or hurt at times when we are let down or triggered, some people may be either genetically or environmentally predisposed to having higher highs and lower lows, or may have never seen good emotional regulation modeled or learned the skills. These peaks and valleys begin to impact their lives when their emotions spin out of control and they say or do things they later regret — damaging relationships or hurting their credibility with others (BetterUp).
In practice, emotional regulation means that when we feel negative emotions like anger and fear, we are able to dial them back and lean into the experience of positive emotions like joy and hope. Emotional regulation does not mean suppressing negative emotions and putting on a fake happy face — it is about acknowledging what is happening for you emotionally and working on those feelings.
It is also about choice: you are able to choose your response to a situation without the emotions controlling you. As Viktor Frankl, holocaust survivor and author of the classic Man’s Search for Meaning once said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Emotional regulation is really about taking that power to choose back into one’s own hands and exercising that power of choice effectively. Exercising that choice and challenging one’s own initial thoughts and reactions can lead to more sustainable self-esteem and confidence over time.
Why does Emotional Regulation matter?
Getting along: Emotional regulation promotes healthy workplace cultures and relationships by helping people to get along better. It is often associated with increased interpersonal sensitivity which fosters improved social relationships (Lopes et al., 2005).
Cut down on workplace aggression: Emotionally regulated employees are unlikely to exhibit workplace aggression (Niven, et al., 2012).
Personal well-being: Being unable to control emotions can lower one’s own well-being and cause unnecessary suffering. Unmitigated fear also gets in the way of our ability to take risks and have new life experiences (BetterUp).
How can you regulate your emotions better?
Be aware of your triggers: While we cannot run from or even predict everything that will bother us, we can increase our awareness of what triggers unwanted emotions in us and minimize our exposure to those things. But not so much that our world gets small, predictable and boring: a little discomfort can be good for growth. Understanding the balance will be a personal journey, which a coach can help you through.
Don’t suppress your emotions: Instead of suppressing negative emotions, transform them by acknowledging and expressing them. Research shows that in the long run, this is far more effective. Suppressed emotions can come back to haunt us or can be displaced onto the situations or people that they really shouldn’t be.
Stop negative thoughts: Research shows you can disrupt a negative train of thought by saying “Stop!”. Next time you notice your thoughts going down a bleak, unproductive or aggressive path, try it out.
Shift your focus: When you find yourself getting hung up on relatively small things that get you down, shift your focus to a positive memory, or anything that gives you a neutral or positive feeling.
Reflection Questions
Think of a situation that distressed you in the past week.
What happened?
What were your thoughts about the people involved? For each thought, note if it was a fact or opinion.
What was the source of this thought? How credible is it?
What possible misinterpretations might you be making?
What were your thoughts about your own involvement? For each thought, note if it was a fact or opinion.
What was the source of this thought? How credible is it?
What possible misinterpretations might you be making?
How do you feel about your reaction to the situation? Was it appropriate to what factually occurred?
How can you do better in the future?
Tania Friedlander, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Tania is an attorney by training and a former champion athlete. She has trained at world-leading coaching institutions. She is an International Coach Federation Professional Certified Coach (PCC) and a Certified Gallup Global Strengths Coach. She is driven by her passion for helping individuals break through their challenges, whether professional or personal. She has the privilege of working with executives and emerging leaders from global Fortune 500 companies using evidence-based coaching assessments, frameworks, and tools. Her approach is designed to increase connectivity, awareness, and accountability to elevate the internal dynamic, increase morale, and enhance workplace culture. She is also on the executive team at SteerUs, the world's first soft skills academy, and has led many workshops and seminars on leveraging strengths.
