"Sometimes It’s Only Mine” – Teaching Twins to Share as a Choice Rather Than a Chore
- Brainz Magazine
- 1 day ago
- 8 min read
Written by Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with over 15 years of experience working with twins and the founder of Twinful Life. With her extensive experience and twin-oriented early childhood education approach, Smadar provides exclusive services for twin families to help parents raise twins with peace and joy.
The pressure to share is truly a recurring subject with twins. They already share so much: parents, birthdays, often their room and/or playroom, toys, clothes, and sometimes even their appearance. It’s quite a lot. But do twins always need to share everything? Perhaps they don’t, at least not all the time.
As adults, we often feel we need to maintain equality for the twins. Our innate sense of social justice guides us to mediate conflicts with an agenda to oversee fairness. If one twin gets a present, the other must receive one as well; if one has a friend, the other needs to be included; when one gets to do something special, their twin must participate. While this well-meaning inclination is understandable, it isn’t realistic, and I suggest it isn’t necessary and can actually cause some harm.
Why and how? Let’s take a deeper look.
I assert that it is more valuable to ensure every child receives what they need rather than the same. While this applies to singletons too, it is even more important with twins due to our desire to maintain equality. If one twin makes a new friend, they can have a playdate with them on their own without having to include their co-twin. If one needs more cuddles and support to deal with their night terrors, they should get this special attention. If one wants to read a book on their own with a caregiver, we can help them have this special moment for themselves. If possible, one twin can come to help with the grocery shopping while the other stays at home with another caregiver (there’s always next time). Accentuating twins’ individualities, and by that their identities, is therefore of great value.
Teaching twins to share as a choice, not a chore
From an early childhood developmental perspective, the skill of sharing isn’t developed until children are three to four years old. Children must first experience ownership before they can begin practising sharing and letting go. Thus, expecting your infant twins to share isn’t realistic or age-appropriate. Not only do they not understand the notion of sharing, but they also do not understand the social expectation projected on them to share simply because they are twins. Some may suggest that it is up to us, the adults, to teach them that, because they are twins, they need to share. Yet I would like to invite you to reflect on whether this is really so, and why that should be the expectation.
Sharing your life with another person can be challenging for anyone, let alone for twins who are in a constant state of coexistence. I therefore believe we should teach twins when they don’t need to share. Sharing should have its boundaries. As Magda Gerber wisely said, “Making a child share isn’t sharing.”
Dr. Barbara Klein, a twin expert and author, explains that sharing comes more naturally to twins. However, it is important to help twins feel comfortable when they don’t need to share and to support them if they don’t want to share. If one plays with a particular toy, they don’t have to share that toy with their twin unless they want to. If one got ice cream because they went out with Mummy, they don’t have to share it. I argue we should put more emphasis on their individuality and let them practise a bit of selfishness, so they can appreciate the kindness of sharing. They will then learn to cherish the moments and things that are only theirs.
If every time a twin doesn’t share, they are made to feel bad about it, sharing won’t be implemented as a choice but rather as a chore. Exercising their autonomy over their toys and belongings helps children calibrate their moral compass and understand how their actions impact others. The desire to hold on to things can then gradually evolve into care and kindness, and into wanting to share.
Gifting presents to twins
When twins receive presents from friends and family, they often receive matching presents. When possible, kindly explain to well-meaning friends and family members that this can send a backward message to the children. Giving twins matching presents expresses to them that they are the same, which they aren’t. It also sets up expectations that their presents should match, otherwise something isn’t right. This can understandably cause friction when presents aren’t the same. I encourage parents to gift each twin a different present according to what they like. It’s an opportunity to show them that we see each of them for who they are, not just as twins.
Gifting can be a good opportunity to establish the concept of sharing and not sharing. If one receives a present and their twin really wants to play with it, you can say to them, “I see X really likes your gift. If you want to let them play with it later, I’m sure they’d be happy about it.” This doesn’t put pressure on the child to let their twin have a turn; it gives them the information needed to make a decision. To the waiting twin, you can say, “I see you really like Y’s present. You can ask them to play with it later. Remember, it’s their toy, so they decide whether or not they want to share.” These opportunities arise often, so both children can get to exercise both giving and receiving. It allows them to practise being kind, sharing, or not sharing. They really don’t have to share.
We want to teach twins to share because they want to, or choose to, out of empathy or generosity. Making them feel guilty because we told them to is a poor motivator. If one twin is upset about not getting a turn, support and comfort them. You can reflect their feelings to their twin, yet without placing responsibility on them to act. You can tell X, “I can see Y is very upset because they wanted to play with your toy. It’s your toy, so you get to decide who plays with it. It will make them happy if you share, but you don’t have to.” We are encouraging the child to be observant of their surroundings while also exercising their rightful ownership, and with time, kindness. They don’t have to share everything. It’s important to give them venues in life where they get to choose and be at peace with not sharing, especially something that is theirs.
Moreover, it isn’t always necessary to give both twins a present every time. As highlighted in the RIE philosophy, it depends. If one did very well on their school project and you want to celebrate their achievement, you can do this without feeling bad if the other doesn’t receive something as well. If one broke their leg and you buy them a present to make them feel better, their co-twin shouldn’t anticipate a gift too. There are occasions, as with every family with more than one child, where one sibling gets something and the other doesn’t. This is easy enough for parents to accept, and I suggest the same should apply to twins, too.
Help your twins gain a sense of ownership
Lally and Mangione (2017) describe how, between 15 and 36 months, children develop self-conscious emotions. They are sensitive to people’s opinions and are easily embarrassed by comments on their behaviour and appearance. Supporting twins to develop personal and independent interests can help them realise that they have options. For twins, assuming agency over their decisions can be very liberating.
As children grow older, they start to collect possessions. The message we give twins about their possessions and what they do with them is important. If it goes like this:
“This is your stuff (clothes, toys, books, allowance), and you can decide whether or not you want to share it. I’ll respect your decision either way,” the child learns how it feels to own something, how it feels to have things that are only theirs.
They will start thinking about how they want to treat their things, what they want to do with them, and who they want to share them with.
If we tell one twin, “Your twin wants to wear your red T-shirt. You are not wearing it today, so give it to her,” we are interfering with the child’s choices by asking them to do something they might not want to do or feel comfortable with.
This is one area where twins can exercise their autonomy and protect their space, and we should foster that. If they want to share their clothes and toys, it should be their decision.
Separate twin birthday parties
Another way to help twins appreciate their space and celebrate their individuality is to throw them separate birthday parties. This sounds like more work (and it is), but the outcome is very positive and empowering.
When thinking about it, not all twins share an actual birthday. If Twin A is born just before midnight and Twin B afterwards, they aren’t technically born on the same day. If it happens at the end of the month, the twins will effectively be born in different months. And if it happens to be on the last day of December, the twins will not even be born in the same year. Should they still share a birthday in these circumstances?
But even if they are born on the same day, as most twins are, they can have separate birthday festivities if we make that an option. All singletons get to enjoy a unique time once a year where they are in the spotlight, so why not twins?
For very young twins, this can be as simple as making two cakes, singing happy birthday twice, and giving each child the time to open their presents (or open them for or with them) one at a time.
When twins grow older and start making their own friends, it’s a good idea to let them have their own birthday parties, with their own friends, choosing their own party theme, and being the centre of attention. They can celebrate on different days of the weekend, on alternate weekends, or at different times of the day, such as one doing something special of their choice in the morning and the other in the afternoon.
Encourage your friends and family to support the twins’ individuality and identity separation. It may be a bother, but ask them to attend both parties when possible. This can give each child the attention all singletons get automatically.
Sharing might be the prevailing reality for twins, especially in the early years. Yet we can find ways to support their unique needs and nurture a strong sense of self and ownership with mindful and proactive actions and language. When we understand what sharing requires of children, we can normalise and encourage opportunities for them to assert agency over their choices and belongings. We can then help twins deal with the frustration of sharing, learn to share as a choice rather than a chore, and promote their individuality within a healthy twinship.
Read more from Smadar Zmirin
Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar started her twin journey when she got her first job as a twin nanny. Quickly realising the impact adults have on twins’ well-being and emotional development, Smadar felt drawn to advocating for and supporting each child’s unique identity and independence. She established Twinful Life to support twin families raising emotionally healthy twins and became a twin-oriented early childhood educator.
