She Forgot What She Liked, Nobody Noticed, Not Even Her
Catherine Divaris is a mental health Occupational Therapist, Emotional Regulation Coach, and Founder of Mind/Mom Potential. She empowers individuals & organizations to build mental resilience, master emotional and nervous system regulation & perform effectively in high-demand environments, with a focus on high-functioning women and mothers.
Someone asks you what you do for fun, and you pause. Not a short pause. A long, searching one. The answer that comes out is something like, "I spend time with my kids," or "I take them to the beach." Which is beautiful. But it is not an answer to the question that was asked.
Nobody took your hobbies away. There was not a single moment you can point to. It just happened. Slowly. The yoga class you kept meaning to go back to. The book you were reading before the baby came. The friendship you kept saying you would nurture once things slowed down. One by one, they quietly left the building, and life just kept moving.
Here you are. High functioning. Showing up. You have done the parenting courses, read the books, know the research on secure attachment and emotional regulation. You are good at this. But you look in the mirror, and the woman looking back at you is a mother. Just a mother. Somewhere underneath all of that, you have a feeling you cannot quite name. That this is not the whole of who you are.
Here is what nobody says out loud, especially in circles where women have fought hard for their children. Gone through IVF. Loss. Years of trying. The shame of saying, "I need more than this." The unspoken rule that if you wanted this badly enough, you should be satisfied. That needing your own life somehow takes something away from them.
You can love your children so completely that it reshapes your whole world and still need something that belongs only to you.
These two things are not in conflict. In fact, research in psychology consistently shows that a mother with her own sense of identity, her own interests, and her own inner life raises children who feel more secure. Your wholeness does not threaten your children. It protects them.
So how do you come back to yourself when you have been away so long you have forgotten the address?
This is where I use the CALM Container Framework with my clients. Four steps, not to fix you, but to bring you back to yourself.
C – Connect
Before anything else, come back to your body. Not your to-do list. Not your thoughts about your thoughts. Your body. Put one hand on your chest and breathe. Notice what is actually there. Your body is the most honest information you have access to, and most of us have learned to bypass it completely.
A – Accept
Look at where you are without judgment. Not "I should have done this sooner" or "What is wrong with me?" Just: this is where I am. Radical acceptance, as Tara Brach and Jon Kabat-Zinn teach it, is not resignation. It is the only honest starting point. You cannot move from a place you refuse to acknowledge.
L – Lead
From that grounded, accepted place, ask yourself what the wisest next step is. Not the most dramatic overhaul. Not a complete life restructure. One small, effective move. DBT calls this the wise mind, that place where your emotional self and your rational self meet. What actually works here, right now, for you?
M – Move
Not metaphorically. Literally. Move your body. Walk, stretch, dance in your kitchen. Energy that has been compressed into the role of caretaker needs somewhere to go. Movement is how you remind yourself that this body belongs to you, not only to the people who need things from it.
This is not a self-improvement project. It is a homecoming.
You are not a bad mother for wanting to come back to yourself. You are not selfish for needing a life that is yours. You are, in fact, a better mother for it. More than that, you deserve it simply because you are a person, not because of what it does for anyone else.
The woman in the mirror has not disappeared. She has just been waiting for you to come looking. If right now, even looking at that reflection feels like too much, that is okay. You do not have to have it all figured out before you begin. What I do with my clients is not about going back to the woman you were before children. That woman was wonderful, and she is also gone. What we are doing is something more exciting than that. We are shaping the version of you that exists inside motherhood. Someone new. Someone who holds all of it.
If you are ready to start that conversation, I would love to connect. Book a call, and let’s begin.
Read more from Catherine Divaris
Catherine Divaris, Mental Health Occupational Therapist
Catherine Divaris is a mental health OT, Emotional Regulation Coach, and founder of Mind/Mom Potential. After over a decade working in mental health and corporate settings, she began to see a consistent gap. While there is no shortage of advice on what to do, there is far less support for how we regulate ourselves to actually do it. Following her own journey into motherhood after IVF, Catherine expanded her work to support high-functioning but overwhelmed women navigating the mental load of modern life. Through her CALM Container framework, she empowers individuals and organizations to build mental resilience and master emotional and nervous system regulation. Her mission: Mental health is the foundation for how we live, lead, and parent.
