Redefining Success and Why Women Must Ditch the Old Playbook
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 4
- 7 min read
Written by Melanie Greenhalgh, Neuro Change Coach
Melanie Greenhalgh is an award-winning Neuro Change Coach and founder of Collective Wisdom Coaching, with over 30 years of experience empowering women to overcome self-doubt, reclaim their voices, and create lives of resilience, compassion, and more equity in society.
What if everything you’ve been taught about success is quietly keeping you stuck? Behind the filtered Instagram smiles and LinkedIn promotions, too many women are silently crumbling under the weight of expectations. We’re doing everything ‘right’ but it doesn’t feel right.
For years, I ticked every box: career milestones, family, the “right” house, the relentless pursuit of more. From the outside, it looked like I was winning at life. But behind the scenes, I was crumbling under the weight of expectations, my own and everyone else’s.
It took a decade of heartbreak, a string of personal tragedies, a devastating house fire, and a cancer diagnosis before I finally stopped and asked myself: “Whose definition of success am I living?” The truth was confronting. I’d spent so long chasing someone else’s version of ‘having it all together’ that I’d lost sight of what truly mattered to me.
And I’m not alone. Every week, I meet women who are exhausted from running on autopilot, doing everything right yet feeling perpetually inadequate. We’ve inherited a playbook that tells us to achieve, to please, and to push through often at the expense of our well-being, authenticity, and joy.
But what if there’s another way? What if, as Maya Angelou so beautifully put it, success is about genuinely liking yourself, what you do, and how you do it? In this article, I’ll share why the old model of success is broken, how our brains are wired to keep us repeating these patterns, and most importantly, how you can start to write your own rules for a life that feels good from the inside out.
“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou
The traditional success playbook (and why it’s failing women)
We’ve all grown up with a pretty clear script about what it means to be successful. It’s the “tick-the-boxes” approach: get a good education, land a respectable job, climb the career ladder, find a partner, buy the house, have the kids, keep everyone happy, and make it look picture-perfect. This external checklist is everywhere on social media, in family conversations, and splashed across glossy magazines. We’re subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) taught that our worth is measured by how well we meet these benchmarks.
But here’s the thing: so many women are quietly exhausted by this relentless pursuit. They’re running faster and faster on the treadmill of achievement, yet feeling more depleted and disconnected from themselves with every step. The traditional playbook doesn’t ask what you want; it asks, “How well are you performing for everyone else?” Cue the rise of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and the infamous “superwoman” myth. We’re told we can (and should) do it all, have it all, and never drop the ball.
The emotional cost of living by these rules is steep. I see it every day in my coaching practice: women who are outwardly successful but inwardly battling burnout, anxiety, and a nagging sense of not being enough. There’s a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from living out of alignment with your values and desires. It’s not just physical tiredness; it’s an emotional weariness that seeps into every part of your life. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. a constant fear of falling short, attributing your success to luck or timing instead of your abilities, and the ever-present impostor syndrome whispering that you’re about to be “found out.”
Let me share a story to bring this to life. Take Sarah, for example, a client who, on paper, had it all. She’d climbed the corporate ladder, had a beautiful home, and was the go-to friend and daughter in her family. But in our sessions, Sarah confessed she felt like she was living someone else’s life. She’d spent years chasing promotions because that’s what “successful women” do, but each step up left her feeling more anxious and less fulfilled. The more she achieved, the less she recognised herself. She was constantly worried about letting people down, terrified of making mistakes, and plagued by the feeling that she was never quite measuring up.
Her story mirrors that of countless women I meet living out scripts that were never written with their well-being in mind. Sarah’s story isn’t unique. So many women are carrying the invisible weight of these expectations, convinced that if they just try harder, achieve more, or please everyone, they’ll finally feel successful. But the old playbook doesn’t deliver what it promises. Instead of satisfaction and confidence, it leaves women feeling depleted, disconnected, and doubtful of their worth.
The truth is that the traditional model of success is outdated and unsustainable. It asks us to trade our authenticity for approval, our well-being for achievement, and our joy for the illusion of perfection. No wonder so many of us are tired. It’s time for a new approach, one that honours who we truly are, not just what we do.
The neuroscience of success conditioning
If you’ve ever wondered why breaking free from old definitions of success feels so hard, neuroscience has the answer. Our brains are designed to create shortcuts, neural pathways built from repeated thoughts, beliefs, and experiences. When we’re constantly exposed to messages about what “success” should look like, those ideas become hardwired. It’s not just family or culture; it’s every “well-meaning” comment, every social media scroll, every moment we compare ourselves to others.
This is called confirmation bias, the brain’s tendency to seek out information that supports what we already believe. If you’ve been told you need to be all things to all people, your brain will keep looking for evidence to confirm that. But here’s the good news: the brain is plastic, not elastic. The magic of neuroplasticity? It means you’re not stuck with outdated beliefs. You can rewire your mind and create new, empowering beliefs about what success means for you.
Why do we need a new playbook
After years of working with women (and living my own story), I know this much is true: the old playbook is broken. Real success isn’t about achievement at all costs; it’s about living in alignment with your values, nurturing your wellbeing, and embracing your authentic self. When we let go of chasing someone else’s version of “enough,” we create space for fulfilment, joy, and genuine self-acceptance.
The new playbook starts with self-compassion and nervous system regulation. It’s about building a life where you can breathe, where you’re not constantly bracing for the next crisis or performance review. And it’s about community, finding your people, sharing your stories, and supporting each other to grow.
Your new success blueprint: 4 practical steps to rewrite the rules
So, where do you begin? Here are a few practical steps to help you rewrite your own success story:
Reflect: Start by journaling about what success means to you. Whose voices are shaping your goals? What would your definition look like if no one else were watching?
Notice Internalised Bias: Pay attention to those “shoulds” and “musts” that crop up in your thinking. Are they truly yours, or have you inherited them from others?
Rewire: Use neuroplasticity to your advantage. When you catch yourself thinking an old, limiting thought (“I’m only successful if I’m busy”), pause and challenge it. Replace it with a more empowering belief (“I am worthy of rest and joy”). Visualisation and daily affirmations can help reinforce these new pathways.
Connect: Don’t try to do this alone. Seek out supportive communities, mentors, or a coach who can help you stay accountable and celebrate your progress.
How redefining success transforms your mindset and mood
When you start living by your definition of success, everything shifts. The anxiety and self-doubt begin to fade, replaced by a quiet confidence and a sense of possibility. You stop measuring your worth by how much you achieve and start noticing how you feel.
Take Hannah, for example. She came to me burnt out and convinced she was failing at life. Through our work together, she began to question her old success scripts and embrace a new way of being, one that prioritised her wellbeing and her values. The result? She found a sense of peace and purpose she’d never experienced before, and her confidence grew in every area of her life.
This is what happens when we change the rules: we reclaim our energy, our joy, and our sense of self.
If any of this resonates, take one gentle but powerful action today: rewrite one line in your old success script. And if you’re ready for a deeper transformation, join our community or sign up for The Real Success Academy waitlist. Let’s change the narrative together.
Success is personal. The bravest thing you can do is define it for yourself. Let’s stop measuring our lives with someone else’s ruler and start writing our own stories, one gentle, courageous step at a time.
Read more from Melanie Greenhalgh
Melanie Greenhalgh, Neuro Change Coach
Melanie Greenhalgh is an award-winning Neuro Change Coach and founder of Collective Wisdom Coaching, with over 30 years of experience empowering women to overcome self-doubt, reclaim their voices, and create lives of resilience and more equity in society. Drawing on cognitive neuroscience and neuropsychology, Melanie’s unique coaching approach accelerates personal transformation by reshaping neural pathways and fostering deep self-compassion. Her programs, including The Real Success Academy, are designed to help women step into their full potential and lead with calm, confidence, and purpose. Learn more about Melanie’s work and her mission to use the superpowers of our brains to create a more compassionate world.
References:
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Greenhalgh, M. (2025). The Real Success Academy. Neurocoaching-based program designed to help women overcome internalised bias and redefine success.
