Raising a Pre-Teen or Teen in this Crazy World?
- Jan 5
- 5 min read
Written by Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed., Parent Coach
Former school psychologist Tina Feigal specializes in helping caregivers heal trauma associated with adoption, foster care, and children's losses of any kind. She's the author of Present Moment Parenting: The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child and has trained and mentored 850 coaches worldwide.
What if the answers to raising an 11-year-old girl or a 16-year-old boy were at your fingertips? Can you imagine how your new year could look entirely different from your current one? Try to picture a kid who no longer spends all or most of their at-home hours in a cave-like bedroom, texting, Snapchatting the night away, or endlessly playing Fortnite. What if they came to you with their concerns, confided in you, and even appreciated your input?
What if they occasionally offered to help get dinner on the table or even offered spontaneous hugs?
Okay, I get it. You’re asking, “What planet is this writer coming from? Has she ever met a surly, self-absorbed pre-teen or teen in her life?”
Yes, yes, I have. And more succinctly, I’ve raised three sons through their teen years to successful adulthood. I’ve also coached countless parents whose teens have lived the disconnected existence mentioned above.
So, what do I tell parents whose teens are in this isolated boat? First, I relate to them, fully acknowledging that with social media, electronics, and a fast-changing world, these are very tough times for parents.
Then I offer hope, not for loving and connected relationships 100% of the time, but for reasonably positive ones. Would that feel good to you?
Some helpful tips include:
Understand that the teen years involve a major task, called “individuation.” Accomplishing this involves becoming “not mom,” “not dad,” and/or “not my caregiver.” If a teen has experienced separation from a birth parent or another trauma, this process becomes quite complex. And still, there’s so much that any currently involved adult can do to improve the relationship. First, acknowledge that the teen needs independent thinking. “I get it. You’re becoming your own self, different from us. That’s totally to be expected.” Then, identify ways in which the teen is uniquely himself or herself. “You’re so much more dedicated to your friendships than I was at your age, and even now!” or “I was never as good at math as you are. What a strength!” or “I couldn’t dream of performing in gymnastics the way you do!”
These statements help the teen feel seen by you, which builds emotional safety in your presence, the gold standard of connected relationships.
Next, authentically need them for tasks that tap their strengths. “We need to decorate the table for the company. What are your ideas?” or “I see that your sister has been a bit emotional lately. What do you think she needs? Can you help us understand?” or “I could really use a tall guy to help me install these window blinds. Are you willing to climb up the ladder?” These interactions help the teen feel seen, and when humans feel seen, we’re drawn to the seers. With every interaction, adults are either pushing kids away or drawing them near. You get to choose. Drawing them near strengthens their sense of emotional safety and therefore, your relationship.
Give positive feedback when things go well. I call it “heartfelt appreciation.” (Note: It’s pretty typical for adults to see good behavior, breathe a sigh of relief, and walk away. Now’s the time to switch from giving your attention to shortcomings and noticing positives. Again, this draws your teen toward you, and ultimately gives great strength to your relationship,) “Wow, when you were so attentive to the dog’s needs, did you see how he responded? Just cuddling up so sweetly? You have some magical abilities with animals,” or “I noticed all your laundry in the basket instead of on the floor. I can’t thank you enough for doing that. Does this cleared-out bedroom feel better to you, too?”
The upshot of this approach is that you will see more of what gets your attention. Instead of trying to stop negative behavior, you’ll grow positive behavior!
For more on the physiology of how this works, read my first Brainz Magazine article here.
Speaking of physiology, the body changes at this time of your pre-teen or teen’s life are, as you know, quite distinct and can be troublesome to many kids. They grow so fast that their coordination suffers, they wonder about the appearance of hair, more smells, new cycle changes, and sexual urges that weren’t there before. And they feel it’s not ok to talk about these, as self-consciousness is also a big part of being in this life phase.
Open up the conversation, so kids don’t get the subtle message that talking about sexual development is taboo. This hesitation to talk can create emotional isolation, which is at the core of mental health concerns. A good way to do this is to get books on body changes (both male and female) and leave them where the pre-teens and teens will find them. Write a note in the book that says, “Never hesitate to talk to me about this stuff. No pressure, but if you want to, let’s go for a walk on Wednesday.” Then do it without delay. When kids don’t get information about sex from you, rest assured, they will get it from peers who have a different viewpoint, often incorrect. Yes, schools discuss the body changes, but it may be incomplete information delivered by a teacher they are not likely to approach for answers.
I’ll be blunt here: Avoid leaving your pre-teens and teens on an island of silence, emotionally or physically, if you want them to grow up to be healthy, well-functioning adults. Use these same ideas for talking about safety re: drugs and alcohol use. Please don’t let the thought, “That won’t happen to my child,” keep you from being their trusted resource. Yes, it’s hard, but there are great resources online that can pave the way to open discussions. Also, parent coaching can be gold for this. The return on investment from opening conversations and building emotional safety, becoming your child’s trusted adult, is tremendous!
Tina Feigal. M.S.Ed. Is a former school psychologist who sees the enormous value in placing relationship healing in the hands of parents. As a parent coach, author of Present Moment Parenting: The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child, and TEDx speaker, she brings 25 years of experience to her work. Having trained over 850 professionals to coach parents, served staff of foster care agencies and schools, and worked with 1,000’s of families, she sees tremendous results from helping parents create emotional safety for their children of all ages. Contact Tina here.
Read more from Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.
Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed., Parent Coach
Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed. works with parents of children of all ages, specializing in, but not exclusive to, child losses and trauma (foster care, adoption, reunification). Tina sees parents' power to heal their children's hearts in a way that they often miss. She offers tried-and-true ways of connecting with children of all ages to create emotional safety, the key to better relationships and behaviors. She uses a non-judgmental approach, understanding that every parent carries "how I was raised" as their model, often with unsatisfactory results. She helps parents get what they truly want from their parenting experience – peace of mind!
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