Mastering The Art Of Hard Conversations – A Path To Authentic Connection
- Jun 29, 2023
- 3 min read
Updated: Mar 14, 2024
Written by: Danielle Sunberg, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
A client recently told me she was dreading a conversation she was scheduled to have with her boss that week. She needed to raise some concerns and she expected it to be uncomfortable and likely even combative. We all face conversations like this, and we either run and hide or prepare for battle.
While the data shows that good communication reduces stress, amplifies goal achievement, and uplifts morale, a whopping 67% of managers feel uncomfortable with face-to-face communication with employees. In the session with my client, she had a major “Aha” insight that completely transformed her approach to this conversation and every conversation she will ever have. The key to communication starts way before the conversation begins. Great communication starts with your mindset. We perceive conversations through the lens of our thoughts and emotions. It's as if we're wearing tinted glasses that color our reality and influence our behavior. If we expect a combative conversation, we prepare for battle. If we expect a calm chat, we relax. But here's the secret: the same is true for the other person. Just as your lens shapes your actions, so does theirs.
Step 1: Determine your lens
The first step in great communication is to assess what lens you are wearing. Ask yourself questions such as, “What do I expect to happen during this conversation?” and “How do I feel about my expectations?” Answering these questions will show you whether you are preparing to hide, gearing up for battle, or something in between. They reveal if you feel open and receptive or closed and defensive.
Step 2: Drop expectations to create a powerful dialogue
Once you become aware of your lens, the next step is to shift it. Envision yourself showing up to the conversation without any expectations of what will happen. You are not wearing any tinted lenses that cloud your judgment. By letting go of expectations, we create the space for genuine connection. By approaching conversations with a present and open mindset, we pave the way for transformative dialogues. We can truly listen and acknowledge the other person's perspective, allowing them to feel heard. This simple act often leads to a shift in their lens, allowing them to show up the conversation more openly and compassionately. It's a powerful exchange that can change not just the entire course of a conversation but strengthen your relationship as a trusted team member.
Step 3: Drop needing to be right
Here's the challenging part: to master communication, we must be willing to let go of our knee-jerk need to be right. A conversation is not about winning. It’s about connecting, engaging, and exploring possibilities to move forward. This is how we create a path forward with insights and solutions that neither person could have predicted or planned for.
When we drop the need for validation and focus on authentic connection, remarkable possibilities emerge. We tap into our collective wisdom, finding innovative solutions and resolutions that transcend our expectations. It's a beautiful dance of vulnerability, empathy, and collaboration.
The next time you're faced with a challenging conversation, start by looking at your own expectations. Take a moment to identify the lens you are wearing. Recognize that both you and the other person are seeing the situation through your own lenses. Shift your lens by letting go of expectations. Finally, surrender the need to be right. Embodying these principles unlocks the power of communication, transforming it from a dreaded war zone to a valuable tool for success.
Remember, mastering the art of hard conversations is not always easy, but it is a path to profound growth for yourself and for your entire team. By embracing this approach, you will foster stronger relationships and discover unexpected solutions. If you would benefit from support along your journey as an authentic leader, please reach out to me or take a look at this free reflection guide I’ve created to help you move forward.
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Danielle Sunberg, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Danielle Sunberg is a former attorney turned TEDx and authentic leadership speaker, author, and coach. Her new book, “Atlas of Being: From Briefcase to Backpack, One Former Lawyer's Exploration of the Human Way,” is an Amazon 1 New Release. After successfully defending her client at trial against a $6 billion judgment, Danielle was diagnosed with depression. She left her firm to travel six continents, exploring the farthest corners of the world and the innermost reaches of the human soul to understand what it meant to live a truly fulfilling life. Danielle bridges her expertise in the corporate world with self-development to guide leaders to transform themselves, their business, and the world.
