If Someone Is Missing This Christmas – Set a Plate and Remember Them With Love
- Brainz Magazine
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Written by Brian R Basham, Counsellor
Brian is a mental health counsellor who brings with him decades of lived experience and academic study to the profession of counselling. He has lived with a brain injury for over 30 years and has developed various strategies to live a full life. His focus is on men's mental health and employment mental health.
For many of us, it has been a tough year, physically, spiritually, financially, and emotionally. Christmas is typically a time for joy, celebration, and connection. It can be incredibly difficult to navigate when grief is ever-present. Grief intensifies during Christmas, making everything feel harder. But while there is no “right” way to grieve, there are ways to honour our loved ones and care for ourselves during this time.
1. Acknowledge your grief
It’s essential to give yourself permission to grieve. We are often pressured to maintain a sense of normalcy, especially during Christmas. But grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and trying to suppress it for the sake of others can be emotionally exhausting. It’s okay not to feel festive or joyful. It’s okay to shed tears or sit in silence. Acknowledging your emotions is a key part of healing.
Grief isn’t just about sadness, it can involve anger, guilt, confusion, or even moments of joy as you remember the good times shared. All these emotions are valid and deserve to be felt.
2. Create space for memories
As you approach Christmas, take time to reflect on the positive memories you shared with your loved one. You don’t have to force yourself to “move on” or pretend everything is okay. Instead, find ways to celebrate their life. Looking through old photos, playing their favourite music, or lighting a candle in their honour can help keep their memory alive.
It can be healing to recount funny moments, acts of kindness, or traditions you enjoyed together. Sharing these memories can foster a sense of connection and mutual support.
3. Set a plate for them
One beautiful way to honour the memory of a loved one during Christmas is to set a plate for them at the table. This small yet powerful gesture allows you to keep their presence alive, even if it’s in an intangible form. You could place their favourite food on the plate or simply have an empty seat where they would have sat.
This doesn’t need to be a grand or public display. It’s a personal act that can be comforting, giving you a way to acknowledge their place in your heart and in your life. In some cultures, this is a common tradition during holidays, where the deceased are invited to “join” the family meal symbolically. Whether you choose to express this privately or share the tradition with others, it can provide a sense of closure and continuity as you move through the season.
4. Create new traditions
While traditions can be comforting, they can also serve as painful reminders of what’s no longer possible. This year, consider creating new traditions that reflect your evolving family dynamic and the space left by the absence of your loved one.
It’s okay to adapt or change the ways you celebrate if they no longer feel right. In creating new traditions, you’re not replacing the old ones but rather evolving in a way that reflects your healing journey and the love that remains.
5. Lean on your support system
During Christmas, it’s easy to feel isolated in your grief. You may be surrounded by people, but still feel emotionally disconnected. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. Reach out to friends, family, or a support group. Talking about your feelings, sharing your pain, and expressing how you are coping can be incredibly relieving. Sometimes, just knowing someone is there to listen can help alleviate the weight of grief.
If you don’t feel like you can participate in traditional family gatherings, that’s okay too. You don’t need to force yourself to be part of the larger celebration if you’re not ready. It’s important to take care of your emotional and mental well-being first. Some people find solace in quiet reflection or in being surrounded by a small, supportive group who understand grief.
If you don’t have close family or friends nearby, consider reaching out to a counsellor, therapist, or grief support group. Talking to a professional can provide comfort and clarity, especially if your grief is feeling overwhelming.
6. Practice self-care
Grief can be exhausting, and the holiday season can exacerbate feelings of burnout or fatigue. Simple acts of self-care, like getting enough sleep, eating nourishing food, and engaging in light exercise, can help maintain your physical and mental resilience.
Mindfulness or relaxation practices, like meditation or deep breathing exercises, can reduce anxiety and promote a sense of calm. Take breaks when needed and avoid overcommitting to social events or activities if you’re not ready. Prioritise your mental health by setting boundaries that support your healing.
7. Give yourself grace
Christmas can bring up a mix of emotions, so remember that it’s okay to not have everything figured out. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. Be gentle with yourself and don’t feel pressured to “move on” or “get over” your grief. Allow yourself the space to feel what you feel and know that healing takes time.
Finally
The Christmas season, when we are grieving, can feel like a painful reminder of what we’ve lost. But with intention and care, it’s possible to navigate this time while honouring our loved ones and caring for ourselves. Set a plate for them. Remember the good times. Create new traditions and lean on those who care about you. Most importantly, give yourself the grace and time you need to grieve in your own way.
You are not alone. Grief is a journey, and even in the darkest moments, the love we have for those we’ve lost continues to shine brightly, lighting our path forward.
Read more from Brian R Basham
Brian R Basham, Counsellor
Brian is an experienced counsellor and educator who focuses on men's mental health and encourages employers to focus on their employees' mental health- a focus for his PhD research. He has developed a tool to build effective resilient relationships, and from his experience in policing, has identified five levels of critical thinkers and an assessment tool to guide critical thinking development. Although he has lived with a brain injury for over 30 years, he has achieved a number of academic qualifications and learned to pivot when an obstacle appears. His life motto is "refuse to lose".
