How True Leaders Lean Into Conflict – Even The Nasty Variety
- Sep 3, 2024
- 6 min read
Written by Carole Stizza, Executive Leadership Coach
Carole Stizza, PCC is an expert on the leadership ripple effect and resiliency. She is an executive leadership coach, speaker, author, and military spouse who has been able to study military and corporate leadership in real-time.
Imagine you were just promoted to head of your department. That should be a cause for celebration! But then, you suddenly discover new, more challenging problems. Here’s one scenario: before this advancement, you were one of the team. For years, you and your peers would grab drinks on Friday nights to vent your frustrations and connect on job woes.
When you were part of the gang
Topping the list was always your collective disdain for management. Now, suddenly, you are management. As a newly elevated leader, you no longer enjoy the comradery of your colleagues. You are no longer invited to Friday night gripe sessions. Worse, it feels like all your friends resent you for leapfrogging ahead. The rumor mill is hot with catty speculations about why you were picked for promotion over everyone else.
Conflict avoidance is never the answer
A less capable leader would wilt under such scrutiny and backstabbing. They would throw up their hands in defeat with the first signs of such conflict. As Healthline explains, “Conflict avoidance is a type of people-pleasing behavior that typically arises from a deep-rooted fear of upsetting others. Many of these tendencies can be linked to growing up in an environment that was dismissive or hypercritical. People who avoid conflict this way often envision negative outcomes and tend not to trust the other person’s reaction. In other words, asserting yourself can seem scary or unnerving.”
At what cost?
But you cannot afford to be cowed by your new reports. Showing such weakness will set a bad precedent. It will show your team in no uncertain terms you fear conflict and will do anything you can to avoid such unpleasantness. This is no way to garner the respect, much less the admiration, of your team. “Many business owners today believe conflict represents a negative dynamic within their companies and leadership roles, according to Entrepreneur. “But that couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, healthy conflict can be a key propellor of organizational success.” This is a big reason why I counsel all leaders—new and seasoned—that leaning into conflict is the path toward greatness.
Leaning into conflict early on
On a personal level, I know a lot about conflict due to the environment I grew up in. My father was a chemical engineer with a high IQ—and a low EQ—aka emotional intelligence. He didn’t do well with stress and would often take out his aggression on the people closest to him—his family.
Yet whenever he would last out in anger and throw something across the room, I knew to go calm. Taking the opposite approach. I served as a counterbalance to his outbursts. There was nothing dramatic for him to react against, no fuel to stoke the fire of his anger. This did not mean I ran from conflict. Quite the opposite, I faced it head-on but without perpetuating more discord.
How this helps at work
I used this pragmatic approach to address conflict later in my career. Before my current role as an executive coach, I worked for 10 years in the food technology sector. Every year, an annual convention would take place for buyers in the candy/snack food industry. Everyone who was anyone was expected to attend. It was pivotal for business development. If a buyer pre-registered, attendance had an incentive price, that equated to almost free.
If the buyer did not register in time, they had to shell out a healthy 4-figure dollar amount for admission on the day of the event. My experience with my own father and my prior years working in sales and HR prepared me to handle buyer frustrations. By nature, I’m an advocate for others. Even so, defusing the palpable tension of attendee after attendee who was furious at having to cough up such a large amount of money out of their budget to attend was no picnic. It required me to lean into the conflict I suggest today’s leaders also embrace.
Handling conflict head-on
Specifically, I wouldn’t shy away from the attendees’ ire. Instead, I took time with each disgruntled person to hear them out. I let them tell me why they were upset. “If we made a mistake,” I’d always tell them. “We’ll make it right.” Never did I get upset at them, no matter how heated things became. Again, due to dealing with my dad, I go calm when others get mad. A kind of mini-miracle would unfold as I leaned into such conflict. The attendees—who were really mad at themselves for dropping the ball—would eventually cool down. They would resign themselves to paying the fee, especially if it was, in fact, their fault. And then they would move on. All the drama would subside.
Change the conversation
Returning to the situation I posed above, with you as the newly minted leader facing pushback from your onetime peers, it’s important to recognize one key fact: conflict is here to stay. More specifically, you helped create this conflict by being a part of the venting and bonding over management without ever realizing that may be you one day.
Even if you are the very best, wisest leader of all time, there will be moments when things go awry, often through no fault of your own. An immature leader may stew in their bucket of frustration when this calamity occurs. For, as Deanna Haysom, CEO of WellTraxx Asset Management, explains for LinkedIn, “Leadership is a journey, and often, that journey begins with immaturity. It's not a stain on character but a crucial phase in the evolution of leaders.”
How will you evolve?
Part of your evolution requires constantly leaning into difficult discussions. In the case of a newly promoted leader struggling to get buy-in from their previous peers, I counsel being clear and direct. Don’t shy away from conflict. Ask your colleagues to meet with you one-on-one. Request that they describe what they need to see change with management. This steers them away from simply complaining as you once did. This showcases you are serious about finding new ways to work together. As they open to you, don’t pattern-match their frustration if they become hostile. Go calm. Hear them out. Be a sounding board. You are building trust so you can innovate and make them a part of the solution as you move forward in your new role.
The benefits of this approach
The advantage of this lean-into-the-conflict approach isn’t just about optics. New leaders, especially those who embrace hard talks, can turn right around and say, "I heard you. We all have certain beliefs and expectations, yet this is how we get to function with me in this role right now. I am open to change; we need to build it together, and that will take time." Candid conversations like these open the door for real collaboration, especially once everyone has laid their cards on the table.
Worth it!
If we are being honest, these conflict-laden chats can be grueling. They are not hard—they are uncomfortable. They’re about as much fun as calming down an attendee who must open their wallet. But in the end, these talks serve another purpose for you, the leader. They are fortifying. They develop your people skills in ways no other life experience can provide. And if you listen intently, you will come away with one inescapable truth: as difficult as other people can be, they are still 100% your greatest assets.
To explore more ways to better engage with conflict and evolve in your own leadership journey, please feel free to contact me today. I love hearing other people’s stories.
Carole Stizza, Executive Leadership Coach
Carole's first awareness of any type of ripple effect came after she experienced the loss of several family members from a reckless driver, only to see her father never regain his love of life, his spark, or his ability to lead as he once had. The ripple effect was profound. Equally profound was experiencing brilliant leadership via several employment roles. Taking note of the ripple effect of each type of leadership now allows Carole to coach clients to recognize the ROI.
