How To Stop Being So Insecure
- Brainz Magazine
- Feb 26, 2024
- 6 min read
Written by: Jaemin Frazer, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Insecurity can seem like such a difficult problem to solve that most people put it straight in the too hard basket. It is easy to assume that this is just a part of being human, and the best you can possibly do is to find clever ways to manage your insecurities. Yet, this is to misunderstand what insecurity really is. Not only can you solve the insecurity problem in your life – you must. It is your most important adult work to free yourself from the limiting beliefs and irrational fears that hold you back.
Because the insecurity problem is so inevitable and predictable, so is the solution. Anyone who has ever overcome insecurity for good, has practiced these seven steps. They are guaranteed to work for you as well.
1. Step into the light
Your first job is to stop running, and hiding, and have a look at what it is you are running and hiding from. What exactly are you so afraid of? As Yoda says, “named must your fear be before banish it you can.” I promise you that the answer will surprise you.
When you look closely enough, all insecurity is based on a childhood assumption that there is a problem within your nature. We accuse ourselves of being inadequate, worthless, or bad. The deep fear then, is that our own worst opinion of ourselves would be confirmed by the world. You are NOT afraid of failure, or rejection. Your fear is that if you were to experience either of these things, it would expose and confirm your worst accusation of yourself. That means, you are not afraid of what others think of you, you are afraid of what YOU think of you.
All insecurity is simply an opinion problem. The good news is that opinions are the lowest form of knowing anything, and therefore the easiest things to change.
2. 100% responsibility
Once you define the problem accurately as your own opinion of yourself, your next job is to take full responsibility for your own role in creating these opinions in the first place.
While it may appear that it was the unkind words and actions of those around you that ruined your self-esteem, it turns out that no one has the power to bless or curse us without our permission. As Don Miguel Ruiz says, “It’s not the words spoken to us or about us that change or lives, just the ones we AGREE with.” That means you are not the actor in the story being written by someone else, you are the storyteller! Worse still, you are not the victim in the story, you are the bully! You were the one who decided there was a problem with you, and therefore you are the only one who can change the script and set yourself free.
3. Stack the pain
The third step is to tell the truth about how much your hidden and unresolved insecurity is actually costing you. Just because something is killing you doesn’t mean you have to pay attention to that fact. This is how anyone can smoke cigarettes or shoot up heroin.
Sure, there is pain involved in facing fear and examining the wounds of your childhood, but when you tell the truth about the costs of how your insecurities are ruining every area of your life, then you discover there is far more pain in NOT dealing with your fears. Stacking the pain like this increases your natural motivation to do whatever it takes to not be insecure anymore and solve your opinion problem for good.
4. Develop a compelling life vision
Avoiding what you don’t want is only half of the solution. You must also become crystal clear about what you do want instead. Developing a compelling vision for your life is the fourth step in overcoming all insecurity.
To sustain the transformation process to the end, you’ll need a compelling reason to do all that is required, otherwise you’ll just do enough to get out of your immediate pain, and then all motivation to keep going will evaporate. Overcoming your deepest fear about yourself is your very own hero’s journey. To keep going when it gets hard and scary, the hero must have a clear vision about the dream they have for their life, otherwise what is the point of digging up the demons of the past?
The moment you lose sight of this, overcoming insecurity becomes way too hard.
5. Get help from someone who doesn’t care about you
In every hero’s journey there comes a point where the hero needs a guide. The key is to find one who is not going to get in the way. There is always a Gandalf, Yoda, Dumbledore, or Mr Miyagi who reveals the path to the hero, and yet they are NOT the hero in the story. They are never the ones who save the day. They equip the hero and then disappear from the story.
You will definitely need help to review the accusations you made against yourself as a child, but if you seek help from someone who cares about you, they will inevitably try to fix you, or give you advice out of their desire to see you do well in life. Remember, no one is coming to save you. You need to find someone who has no vested interest or agenda other than to serve you to get more of what you want.
6. Be the hero
The hero always starts out as a weakling who seems incredibly unlikely to save the day. Think of Harry Potter, Frodo, and Daniel son at the beginning of the story. Yet the wonder of the hero’s journey is that they become strong by doing the thing that only they can do.
It is going to feel impossible to face your fears simply because you’ve convinced yourself that your worst opinions are true. Fear unexamined always becomes a monster. It is not actually a monster though. Your insecurity is all based on a work of fiction created in a moment of embarrassment, upset, or hurt as a child.
Sooner or later, your most important adult work is to go back to your childhood to review the data and see exactly what is true. If your childish opinions are correct, then there is nothing that can be done. Yet, if the child got it wrong and there is no truth to your fears, then the story is dissolved, and you get to go free.
7. Rewrite the story
Once you’ve completely faced your fear and discovered that you’ve been running and hiding from something that only existed in your imagination, you are free to see the truth about who you’ve always been. If the story about what you feared was wrong with you has been debunked, then your final job is to write a new story to replace the old one.
You cannot rush to step seven by trying to override your fears through positive affirmations and kind words to yourself. You must dismantle the old story all the way back to the beginning first, so that it is entirely gone. Once there is no longer anything to prove or defend, you are free to show up as the person you desire to be and write a beautiful new story to live out of.
Your work is to align yourself to this new narrative until it becomes the default truth you live out of unconsciously in the same way the old story defined you.
You can find a thorough explanation of all seven steps in my book, Unhindered - The Seven Essential Practices for Overcoming Insecurity.
Jaemin Frazer, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jaemin Frazer is an award-winning life coach and author. He is the founder of The Insecurity Project and specializes in helping entrepreneurs, leaders, and business owners eradicate insecurity so they can show up to life unhindered by doubt, fear, and self-limiting beliefs. He is widely recognized as one of Australia's best personal development coaches and a leading voice globally on the subject of personal insecurity.
