How to Recognize and Overcome the Costs of Non-Assertiveness
Updated: Sep 3, 2025
Lisa works as an executive public speaking coach, actor, and fitness enthusiast. She is passionate about helping people overcome imposter syndrome and find their authentic voice to unlock career success in business and beyond. She is the founder of Speak Proud.
Early in my acting career, I found myself saying "yes" far too often. I worked for free, worked for very low pay, took on unreasonable and unsociable hours, and accepted roles that were not appropriate for my casting, ultimately wasting my time. I thought it showed commitment and would earn me respect. But instead? I ended up overwhelmed and feeling unappreciated. Worse still, I started resenting the very thing I once loved.
It was not a heavy workload that held me back. It was my inability to say "no."
As a young woman, I was taught to be grateful and not push back.
To be seen but not heard.
To be a good girl.
To succeed but not be boastful about it.
To respect my elders.
To respect those in authority, including doctors, priests, nuns, police officers, headmasters, and CEOs.
By the time I left drama school, anyone with the title director, producer, agent, or casting director was placed on a pedestal where I felt I could not say no.
It took me many years to recognize that assertiveness is not just about speaking up. It is about protecting your time, energy, and well-being. Let’s explore how a lack of assertiveness and people-pleasing can quietly sabotage your success and how to reclaim your voice.
The hidden costs of non-assertiveness
When you struggle to assert yourself, the impact can be bigger than you realize.
Increased stress and resentment: Always putting others first might seem kind, but over time it breeds frustration and exhaustion and, ironically, makes it even harder to stand up for yourself.
Damaged relationships: If you are unclear about your own needs and boundaries, it is easy for misunderstandings to arise, leading to tension in both personal and professional relationships.
Hindered career progression: Speaking up for your ideas and advocating for yourself is not just nice, it is necessary. Without assertiveness, opportunities can slip through your fingers before you even realize it.
The pitfalls of people pleasing
Being accommodating is great, until it is not. Excessive people-pleasing can lead to:
Loss of authenticity: When you spend too much time trying to meet others’ expectations, you risk losing sight of what you truly want.
Burnout: Overloading yourself with tasks to keep others happy might feel productive in the short term, but it drains you physically and emotionally in the long term.
Impaired decision-making: If your choices are driven by fear of disappointing others, making bold, strategic moves for your future becomes much harder.
Strategies to develop assertiveness
So, how do you shift from over-accommodating to confidently asserting your needs? Start here:
Self-reflection: Understand your own needs, desires, and boundaries. Reflect on situations where you felt uncomfortable due to a lack of assertiveness.
Practice saying "no": Start small. Declining a request does not mean you are rude or unhelpful, it means you are prioritising wisely.
Practice saying "yes, but not now": If saying "no" is not within your grasp right now, saying "yes, but not now" can help soften the blow while you maintain your boundary.
Use "I" statements: Instead of feeling guilty for expressing yourself, frame it as a natural part of communication. "I need more time to complete this" is a powerful shift from "I’m sorry, I just can’t."
Seek professional support: A coach (hi, it’s me!) or therapist can help you navigate deep-seated habits and confidently build assertiveness skills.
Set clear boundaries: Define what is okay and what is not, and communicate it. Others cannot respect your boundaries if they do not know what they are.
Role-playing: Practising assertive responses in a safe space helps make them second nature when real-life situations arise.
Find low-key moments: Finding low-key moments in your week to practice boundary setting can help you build confidence for higher-stakes moments.
Speak proud, live proud
Becoming assertive is not about being pushy or difficult, it is about valuing yourself and your time. When you start speaking up, setting boundaries, and prioritising what truly matters, you do not just improve your career and relationships, you create a life that feels good to live.
Your voice matters. Your vision matters. And if not now, when?
Read more from Lisa Sheerin
Lisa Sheerin, Executive Public Speaking Coach & ICF PCC Credentialed Coach
Lisa works as an executive public speaking coach, actor, and group fitness instructor with over 20 years of experience. A graduate of a three-year drama school program in London, she began her career in theatre and film, where she faced and overcame imposter syndrome. Today, she empowers others to embrace their authenticity and transform self-doubt into confidence, combining her acting expertise, fitness training, and passion for personal growth. Her mission is to guide others toward a life where they can speak and live proudly.
