How To Find Your Voice Again and Own Your Story
- Brainz Magazine
- 3 hours ago
- 7 min read
Written by Ylwa Woxmark, Equine-guided Recovery Coach
Ylwa Woxmark is a certified and accredited coach and the founder of The Horse Sanctuary in Sweden, where horses with mental and physical traumas are healed. After the healing process, the horses assist her in helping people with the same challenges. She is also the author of the Horsiquette book, published in 2023, together with her husband, Mats.
Have you ever felt terrified of being seen or heard, as if speaking your truth would bring punishment or rejection? For many who grow up in dysfunctional families, where old family patterns have prevented the adults from healing, silence becomes a survival strategy. You learn to dim your light, to hold back your emotions, and to keep the peace at any cost. I know this intimately. For years, I believed my struggles were about money blocks. But when I worked with a voice coach, I realized the truth: my deepest fear was not financial failure, it was being heard and seen.
Through writing down my dreams and working alongside my horse herd, I began uncovering the roots of this fear. Piece by piece, I found my way back to my voice, healing my body at the same time, and now I help others do the same.
In this article, I’ll guide you through what it means to lose your voice, how it shows up in adulthood, and 8 powerful ways to begin reclaiming it.
What does it mean to lose your voice?
Losing your voice doesn’t mean you cannot speak. It means your words feel unsafe. It means you measure every gesture and every sentence, afraid of conflict or rejection.
In dysfunctional families, the most sensitive and vibrant child often becomes the target. Bit by bit, instinct and willpower are eroded until only adaptation remains. The child learns that longing, hunger, and emotions are dangerous and that to survive, they must dim their own light.
I carried this with me into adulthood. Every time I was visible, I expected something bad to happen. The fear lived in my body, whispering that silence equaled safety.
How does the fear of being seen show up?
Fear of being seen manifests in many ways:
Avoiding attention, even in moments you long for recognition. As a child, I was extremely shy
Feeling paralyzed when speaking in groups or sharing your truth. Even now, speaking in front of large audiences can make me panic
Minimizing your achievements so you don’t “provoke” others. For a long time, I struggled to say thank you when people complimented me
Believing that staying small keeps you safe. It’s important to understand that, from the beginning, this was a survival strategy as a child to avoid rejection
I thought my struggles were financial until a voice coach helped me uncover the truth: my block wasn’t about money, but about daring to exist openly. Around the same time, I began writing my dreams each morning. Dreams have a way of bypassing our defenses. They revealed the root cause of my fear memories, fears, and fragments of myself I had long hidden, showing me why I had been terrified to be heard and seen.
When does this pattern start to show?
These patterns begin in childhood but often reveal themselves most strongly in adult relationships and work life. You might notice yourself struggling to set boundaries, apologizing for simply existing, or feeling unable to speak up even when you know you should.
Just as a dysfunctional person slowly reveals their true nature over time, the fear of being seen gradually takes root until it feels natural. The good news? What was learned can also be unlearned.
Do we know why we silence ourselves?
Often, no. Many of us think the problem lies elsewhere money, relationships, or career. It can take therapy, coaching, or unexpected guides to reveal the truth. For me, it was the voice coach who held up the mirror. And later, my horse herd who showed me through their own traumas - how survival teaches you to disappear.
One mare avoided eye contact. Another flinched at every movement. One stood frozen, convinced invisibility equaled safety. Watching them, I saw myself. And in their slow healing, I learned my own healing was possible too.
Are there differences in how silence shows up?
Yes. Just as males and females express traits differently, so do survivors of dysfunctional families. Some become outspoken and loud, hiding vulnerability behind bravado.
Others, like me, become quiet, careful, and invisible. Neither is wrong; both are survival strategies. The real work begins when we learn to step out of survival and into authentic expression.
8 ways to reclaim your voice after emotional abuse
1. Acknowledge your silence
Notice the ways you’ve learned to stay small. Awareness is the first step to change:
Do you avoid speaking up in meetings, even when you have valuable ideas?
Do you downplay your accomplishments when receiving praise?
Do you shrink in social situations, letting others take the spotlight?
Do you hesitate to ask for help or assert your needs?
Do you censor your opinions to avoid conflict or rejection?
Recognizing these patterns is not about judgment; it’s about seeing where survival strategies took over, so you can begin to choose a more authentic way of showing up.
2. Honor your story
Your experiences are real and valid, even if others denied them. When you see and read your words on paper, something shifts within you - you gain new perspectives, experience aha-moments, and the shadows of your past are lightened. Writing them down can be a powerful first act of reclaiming your truth.
3. Start small
Begin with safe spaces: a journal, a trusted friend, or even whispering your truth out loud when alone. I started talking with my horse Jeenial, because with him I had a sanctuary to be myself. Then there was my husband, Mats, who was the first person with whom I could truly be myself, the person I had been hiding all my life.
4. Rewrite the narrative
See yourself not only as a victim of circumstances but also as someone who survived. Your resilience is part of your story. I got help to recognize my journey as a hero’s journey and to understand how my experiences could help others. For many, moving away from a victim mentality can be challenging. It often requires patience, guidance, and the willingness to see oneself as more than what happened, acknowledging both the pain endured and the strength gained.
5. Pay attention to your dreams
Your subconscious carries what your waking mind hides. For me, deeply rooted beliefs only surfaced in my dreams and as pain in my body. I once thought my struggles were about money, so discovering these truths was extremely difficult. Yet dreams often reveal hidden fears and insights, guiding you back to your authentic voice. I used to think I had stage fright. I even threw up before performing in front of large audiences. Now I realize it wasn’t just performance anxiety, it was always the deep fear of being truly heard and seen.
6. Reclaim your body
Voice lives in the body. Breathwork, grounding, and movement reconnect you with the physical strength behind your words. The horses at the Sanctuary made this visible to me, showing how deeply the body holds both fear and courage. As long as the body does not feel safe, stepping onto a new path is challenging. Somatic practices help release tension, regulate the nervous system, and create a sense of safety, making it possible to inhabit your voice fully.
7. Learn from mirrors
For me, the horses were my mirrors. They showed me how trauma hides and how trust can return. They also made me aware of my triggers, helping me understand why certain situations or behaviors set off old fears. Look for mirrors in your own life: people, animals, or experiences that can guide you and reveal the patterns your subconscious carries.
8. Celebrate every step
Each time you dare to speak up, celebrate it! Courage isn’t the absence of fear; that old cliché is true, but the choice to act anyway. Confidence grows like a muscle, one brave act at a time. And there’s an enormous, fantastic feeling when you break old patterns and show up in a completely new way. Today, when I feel fear, I boldly walk toward it, knowing how the mind works, that it’s just a mind game, and understanding that where fear lies, my growth is waiting.
Does the fear ever fully go away?
Like dysfunctional people who struggle with self-awareness, survivors often carry echoes of their past old fears, patterns, and the weight of what was never spoken. But those fears no longer have to control you. By practicing visibility, allowing yourself to be seen, and sharing your story in safe spaces, you begin to loosen their grip. Surrounding yourself with supportive connections, speaking your truth, and honoring your experiences are acts of courage that gradually rewrite the script of your life. With each step toward openness, the shadows of the past lose their power, and your authentic self starts to emerge more fully.
Can you truly change and reclaim your voice?
Yes! The silence we learn as survivors can be unlearned. Both the horses and I are living proof of that. It requires courage, guidance, and patience, but it is possible. My voice coach helped me navigate the terrain of my own fears, showing me how to reconnect with the words I had long buried. My dreams became a map, revealing hidden truths, old wounds, and fragments of myself I had forgotten. And the herd walked beside me, offering mirrors of trust, presence, and authenticity, reminding me that even after deep wounds, the capacity to be seen and to trust again is always within reach. Step by step, I learned that silence is not permanent, and that the voice waiting to be heard carries the power to heal, transform, and reclaim the life I had once hidden away. And when that happened, my body finally felt safe.
Early recognition matters
In conclusion, recognizing the ways you silence yourself is crucial for healing. By understanding these patterns and practicing the 8 steps above, you can begin to reclaim your voice, build confidence, and share your story.
Remember: your voice is not a danger, it is your power! And most important: when you dare to speak, you not only heal yourself, but you also inspire others still trapped in silence.
If you’re ready to start this journey, I invite you to book a coaching session with me. Together, we can begin rewriting your story and reclaiming your voice, because that is where true power lies!
Read more from Ylwa Woxmark
Ylwa Woxmark, Equine-guided Recovery Coach
Ylwa Woxmark, certified and accredited coach and equine-guided recovery coach, has healed from childhood traumas and abusive relationships. She is today dedicated to helping people change their perspective on traumas to be able to see their strengths and to find their life purpose. She is the founder of The Horse Sanctuary in Sweden, where former traumatized horses assist her in coaching people with the same challenges. Her mission: Allow yourself a second chance.
