How To Divorce a Narcissist, What To Expect and How To Protect Yourself
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 20
- 8 min read
Carlie Spencer is a family law attorney and founder of Strive Law Firm, where she helps clients navigate prenups, divorce, and beyond. Known as The Prenup Girl, she authored The Prenup Girl’s Guide to a Successful Marriage, offering a fun yet practical approach to financial planning before marriage.
Divorcing a narcissist is not like a typical breakup. It’s not just emotionally draining; it can be psychologically disorienting and legally exhausting. You may feel like you’re losing your mind, questioning reality, and constantly being pulled into battles you didn’t choose; but if you are reading this and were/are married to a narcissist, none of this will come as a surprise to you because you have been living it in your marriage already.
As a family law attorney, I have helped many clients navigate divorce from narcissistic partners. In this article, I’ll share what I’ve seen, what to expect, and how to protect yourself in and out of the courtroom.
What is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental health condition characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, a need for excessive admiration, a lack of empathy, and often, an inflated sense of self-importance.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, NPD affects roughly 0.5% to 5% of the population. So, even though as a society we throw around the word “narcissist” quite a bit, there is only a small percentage of people that are true narcissists; however, in my time as a family lawyer, a great number of people still exhibit narcissists tendencies, especially during times of high-stress combined with experiencing a lack of control, like a divorce. Many individuals exhibit narcissistic traits without ever receiving a diagnosis; so, these statistics may only scratch the surface. Interestingly, men account for an estimated 50% to 75% of diagnosed cases.
And while pop culture may have you picturing narcissism as a male-only trait, let me be clear: both men and women can be narcissists. This disorder doesn’t discriminate. While I have been helping people dissolve their marriages, I’ve seen a wide range of narcissistic behavior from both men and women.
Why narcissists rarely seek therapy
Here’s where it gets even trickier: narcissists often don’t believe they have a problem. In fact, most of them are convinced everyone else is the problem. According to research from the Society for Psychotherapy Research, around 63% to 64% of those diagnosed with NPD discontinue therapy early.
This resistance makes therapeutic intervention difficult and leaves partners or ex-spouses with the heavy burden of healing and untangling from a person who will never acknowledge the pain they caused.
While I am not a licensed therapist, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, the ex or soon-to-be ex partners of clients I have worked with that display the common traits of narcissism, have almost all been encouraged by their partner to attend or join in therapy and will go a few times or refuse altogether. I’ve also worked with clients who displayed narcissistic behavior and openly expressed beliefs such as: (1) they were intellectually superior to the therapist, making therapy a pointless endeavor; or (2) they had already attempted therapy but found it unhelpful again, because they believed they were smarter than the therapist.
The mental health toll of living with a narcissist
Long-term exposure to narcissistic abuse can wreak havoc on your mental health. I’ve personally seen clients struggle with and share with me:
Anxiety and Depression from the constant emotional rollercoaster.
Chronic Self-Doubt due to years of gaslighting and manipulation.
PTSD-like symptoms, including hypervigilance, nightmares, and panic attacks.
Isolation and Guilt are often instilled by the narcissist as a control tactic.
Dr. Karyl McBride, a licensed marriage and family therapist and expert on narcissistic abuse, describes it best: “Narcissistic abuse is a form of brainwashing, and as such, it can destroy your sense of self-worth.”
When you finally choose to leave, you’re not simply walking away from a person; you’re beginning the journey of reclaiming your identity, autonomy, and peace. In my experience, reaching that place often takes time, patience, and self-compassion.
What to expect when you divorce a narcissist
If you’re reading this and planning to leave a narcissist, I wish I could tell you the hard part is over. But divorcing a narcissist is often the start of a new kind of battle.
In my experience, narcissists tend to follow a few patterns during divorce:
They suddenly think they’re lawyers. They refuse to hire an attorney, argue with everyone, and believe they understand family law because they’ve seen every episode of Suits.
They force court intervention. They won’t settle, won’t negotiate, and drag things out—often just to wear you down emotionally and financially.
They implode at trial. On the day of court, they either:
Refuse to settle until the judge is literally about to rule. (I once had a narcissist agree to my settlement terms as his case was called, only for the judge to deadpan, "Wasn’t Attorney Spencer trying to negotiate with you for the last 40 minutes? You could’ve settled. Now you’re representing yourself.")
Or, they march into the courtroom full of confidence, start making incoherent legal arguments, get objected to every 20 seconds, and then spiral when the judge doesn’t see things their way. Spoiler alert: This rarely ends well for them. They almost always hire a lawyer the following week.
In addition to these patterns of behavior, certain tactics frequently accompany them. In my experience, the following strategies are especially common in these types of cases:
Delaying the process: They may intentionally stall proceedings, ignore deadlines, or file frivolous motions to drag out litigation and exhaust the other party emotionally and financially.
Using children as pawns: High-conflict custody battles are typical, with children often being used as leverage to control or punish the other parent.
Financial manipulation: This can include hiding assets, misrepresenting income, or withholding financial support as a means of exerting power and control.
Smear campaigns: They may spread falsehoods to friends, family, or even the court in an effort to damage the other party’s reputation and present themselves as the victim.
Although their use of these tactics, combined with a refusal to hire counsel or negotiate in good faith, often complicates the process, it frequently backfires. Once they appear before a judge, their manipulative, self-serving behavior is exposed for exactly what it is. Ideally, they secure counsel who can temper their unreasonable demands; if not, the next best outcome is allowing the court to witness their conduct firsthand, which often works to our advantage.
How to protect yourself legally and emotionally
Hire an Attorney who understands NPD: Not every lawyer is equipped to deal with high-conflict personalities. Make sure yours is. At the beginning of my career, I was shocked by some of the behavior I witnessed; now, nothing really surprises me. From verbal outbursts in court to physical altercations in the hallway, I’ve seen it all.
Document everything: Keep records of communication, parenting time, financial documents, and anything else relevant. Assume it could all end up in court. Remember, anything you put in writing is admissible evidence, but it also means anything they put in writing is also admissible evidence. They will say crazy things, make sure you keep good records.
Don’t take the bait: They will push your buttons. Stay calm, detached, and focused on facts. If you let their antics alter your behavior, you are letting them win. Haven’t they taken and done enough?
Build your support team: That includes your lawyer, therapist, friends, and a safe space to decompress. Make sure you have people in your corner who can ground you and remind you of what is real versus what they have fabricated into their own reality.
Healing after narcissistic abuse
Leaving is only the first step. In some states, like North Carolina, physical separation is required before the clock starts running toward eligibility for divorce, which means someone must leave the marital home. As a good rule of thumb, living under separate roofs is necessary for legal separation to begin.
Once you’ve separated, the next important step is deciding whether to hire an attorney. Working with a family law firm experienced in handling difficult or high-conflict divorces, especially those involving narcissistic partners, can be invaluable. Even in seemingly simple cases, legal guidance can protect your interests. Scheduling a consultation with a local family law attorney is an excellent starting point.
But the real, lasting work comes in the form of healing. This is a long-term project. Here’s what that journey may include:
Therapy: Trauma-informed therapy is essential to help process the emotional and psychological effects of narcissistic abuse.
Rediscovering yourself: Many survivors find they need to "relearn" who they are after years of being silenced or diminished.
Setting boundaries: Boundaries are critical, whether that means going low-contact or no-contact, particularly if children are not involved. When co-parenting is necessary, tools like OurFamilyWizard can help reduce conflict by providing a secure, documented communication platform approved by many courts.
Rebuilding confidence: Small victories matter. Acknowledging and celebrating them, no matter how minor they seem, helps rebuild self-worth and a sense of control.
Final thoughts: You are not alone
Divorcing a narcissist is uniquely difficult, but it is possible to come out stronger, wiser, and free. With the right legal strategy, emotional support, and practical tools, you can not only survive the process, you can thrive afterward.
If you’re reading this and wondering if you’re crazy, if you’re overreacting, or if it’s really that bad, I see you. And I promise: it’s not in your head.
You’re not overreacting. You’re waking up. And you deserve better.
A note from your author
Healing after narcissistic abuse is a journey, not a race, and every step forward matters. Whether you’re setting boundaries, rebuilding your confidence, or simply learning to find peace again, you deserve support and guidance along the way.
As The Prenup Girl, I’m passionate about helping individuals protect their futures, both at the start of a relationship and when it’s time to close one chapter and begin another. At Strive Law Firm, we are dedicated to guiding clients through difficult divorces with strength, strategy, and compassion.
If you are seeking family law services in North Carolina, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with us by phone at (919) 228-8255 or visit our website to schedule a consultation.
You are not alone. Your peace, freedom, and future are worth fighting for.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist. The following insights are based on my experience as a family law attorney. For mental health advice, please consult a licensed mental health professional.
Read more from Carlie Spencer
Carlie Spencer, Law Attorney, Author & Advocate
Dedicated to empowering individuals with the knowledge to make confident legal and financial decisions, Carlie has built a career at the intersection of family law and education. As the founder of Strive Law Firm, she provides personalized legal solutions for individuals facing major life transitions, from prenuptial agreements to divorce settlements and litigation. Beyond her firm, Carlie is passionate about legal education and mentorship. She serves as a supervising attorney for Campbell Law School’s Pro Bono Family Law Clinic, where she guides law students in providing critical legal services to underserved communities. Through this work, she is helping shape the next generation of family law attorneys while expanding access to justice.
Resources for support:
Remember, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. There are many tools, books, and organizations available to help you heal, grow, and reclaim your life after narcissistic abuse. Whether you’re seeking knowledge, professional guidance, or a sense of community, the following resources can offer valuable support:
Will I Ever Be Free of You? by Dr. Karyl McBride
High-Conflict Divorce Support Groups (local and online)
Song Recommendations:
“Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson
“Confident” by Demi Lovato
“Flowers” by Miley Cyrus
