How To Approach Assertiveness When You Hate Confrontation
Written by: Mariela De La Mora, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Does the idea of confronting something that’s bothering you make you anxious? Do you find yourself dancing around your words, only to leave unsure whether you really got your point across?
This feeling is why, for the first 10 years of my career, I avoided leading teams. My people-pleasing tendencies kept me from it because I never wanted to rock the boat.
I associated being assertive with confrontation. It’s because assertiveness was not taken well in my Latino household. And it’s similar for a lot of people of color and immigrant descendants - especially if, as a child, you felt responsible for a parent’s emotions, or you took on the role of the family mediator.
First, let’s discuss assertiveness is and what it isn’t:
Assertiveness lies between passive and aggressive
Assertiveness is both clear AND compassionate
Being assertive is about expressing yourself clearly, rather than something you do ‘against’ another person
It can be a constructive way to move difficult situations forward without compromising your boundaries
It is often the kindest course of action, rather than letting tensions and resentment bubble under the surface.
Key things to remember about assertiveness:
Having direct conversations is where real growth happens
Focus on facts, not feelings. For example: “I’ve noticed that (A). What I really need is (B). Can you talk to me about what’s happening? How can we get there?”
Don’t do it over text, email, or any other messaging service. Facetime is important but especially in these instances.
No one is asking for you to know it all. Successful leaders never assume they know it all. But they DO take the time, care and attention to flag something up when it feels off.
Maybe something isn’t working and needs to be addressed. Or perhaps someone is going through a hard time personally, which is affecting their work. These conversations may feel uncomfortable, but they are necessary.
And assertiveness isn’t just helpful when leading teams. Being assertive is a core communication skill, and one we need to apply in all areas in our life - in work, relationships, and our families.
Various studies conducted by the Mayo Clinic also prove that assertiveness can help boost your self-esteem and help with stress management. So, it really is in your best interest to practice healthy and respectful assertiveness in your day-to-day life.
Just remember that being assertive is based on mutual respect, and should feel like an act of kindness to both sides. Not because you are giving in, but because you are being direct and clear with compassion.
Mariela De La Mora, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Mariela is a Life Coach and certified EQ Leadership Coach who helps women of color become powerhouse leaders of purpose-driven brands. Her mission is to help women of color break glass ceilings by healing the generational trauma and cultural conditioning holding them back from becoming the leader they can be.
She was named one of the top 10 leadership coaches by Yahoo Finance and has coached 6 and 7-figure CEOs and even leaders in the United Nations.
She previously spent 15 years in marketing while leading teams across the globe. As a 1st generation Mexican American, she was often the only woman of color in senior leadership and had to break past systemic and mindset barriers to do it.
She now helps women bridge that gap through trauma-informed life coaching and emotional intelligence development, so they can fully step into their power and lead with intention.
