How Couples Can Truly Recover from Infidelity Through a Trauma-Informed Lens
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 4
- 5 min read
Dr. Dalesa Rueda, LMFT, is the CEO & Founder of Inspired & Free, a multi-state virtual therapy practice dedicated to culturally responsive mental health care. With over 20 years of experience, she specializes in relationships, self-care, and helping therapists and clients thrive through meaningful connections.
Infidelity is one of the most devastating experiences a couple can endure. It shakes the foundation of safety, honesty, and emotional intimacy that a relationship is built upon. As a trauma-informed couples therapist, I’ve walked many couples through the storm of betrayal, and I’ve also seen what it takes to truly rebuild.
Here’s the truth most articles won’t say: healing from infidelity isn’t just about the partner who broke trust being transparent. It’s also about the betrayed partner reaching a point where trauma no longer defines their day-to-day reality, where triggers are acknowledged but no longer dictate the pace of healing. When both partners step into accountability, empathy, and emotional courage, repair becomes possible.
Infidelity is a trauma: Let’s start there
When a partner discovers infidelity, their body often reacts as if in danger: panic, disorientation, sleeplessness, and obsessive thoughts. This is because betrayal isn’t just emotional, it’s neurological. The brain perceives threat, especially when safety and attachment have been breached.
From a trauma lens, this experience mimics the impact of PTSD. Some call it Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD), and its symptoms are real: hypervigilance, reactivity, anxiety, and avoidance. The betrayed partner might become consumed by intrusive thoughts or feel emotionally flooded without warning.
This is why traditional “move on” or “just talk it out” approaches don’t work. Trauma-informed healing requires more structure, more safety, and more patience.
Step one: Radical transparency creates psychological safety
As seen in Brainz Magazine’s “Navigating The Complexities of Rebuilding Trust”, emotional safety arises when accountability becomes a daily habit. The partner who was unfaithful (let’s say the “offending partner”) must commit to radical honesty. Not just once. Consistently. This means opening up their phone, clarifying their whereabouts, and eliminating secrecy. But beyond behavioral transparency, there must be emotional availability: consistent empathy, calm responses to emotional outbursts, and a willingness to validate the hurt without defensiveness.
This early phase of healing mirrors what Drs. John and Julie Gottman call the “Atone” phase of affair recovery. The offending partner must demonstrate remorse, not just say they’re sorry. They must show again and again that the betrayed partner’s pain is real, and that rebuilding trust is not just the goal, but the priority.
Related: Clinical ways to rebuild trust
Step two: The betrayed partner must choose healing, not just survival
This is the piece that often gets overlooked in public discourse. The betrayed partner deserves space to grieve. Rage, heartbreak, confusion, numbness, all of it is valid. But the turning point in couples who make it comes when that partner makes a conscious decision: I no longer want my trauma to run my relationship.
This doesn’t mean the pain disappears. It means that when triggers arise (and they will), the betrayed partner begins using internal tools (like breathwork, narrative reframing, or journaling) rather than constant interrogation or emotional shutdown.
In trauma therapy, this is known as integration, the moment when the nervous system starts to believe: “I am safe again.” Couples who rebuild after infidelity often describe a moment of clarity where the betrayed partner realizes, “I’m not in danger anymore. I can begin to trust this new version of us.”
Step three: Forgiveness is an ongoing practice, not a one-time event
Let’s be clear: forgiveness is not approval. It is not forgetting. And it definitely isn’t something that can be forced. Forgiveness is a conscious, repeated act of choosing peace over rumination, presence over the past.
And just like trauma recovery, forgiveness is layered. There will be days of confidence, followed by weeks of doubt. That’s normal. But the key difference is whether the couple can talk about that doubt safely. The partner who betrayed must learn not to take those regressions personally. The betrayed partner must learn to separate their current relationship from their past pain.
According to research published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, couples who intentionally practice forgiveness (often with therapist guidance) show greater emotional regulation and long-term relationship satisfaction, even after betrayal. So while forgiveness may at times seem like a rudimentary part of the therapy process, over time, creating it intentionally impacts both the couple and the individual positively.
Related: Restoring intimacy and trust
Step four: Relationship recovery is built, not reborn
After infidelity, couples don’t return to the old version of their relationship. Nor should they. That dynamic broke down for a reason.
Successful couples build something new, often more honest, more emotionally intelligent, and more secure than before. This requires intentional communication, scheduled check-ins, rituals of affection, and honest conflict resolution. Marriage & family therapy techniques all emphasize that healing is relational, and it happens through connection, not control.
Over time, couples can create what Gottman calls a “Sound Relationship House,” where trust is rebuilt one interaction at a time. Each small act, choosing kindness during an argument, expressing gratitude for a moment of vulnerability, showing up on time, becomes a brick in the new foundation.
Final thoughts: Safety must be relearned, not assumed
Not every couple makes it through infidelity. In my experience, the ones who don’t are often trapped in cycles where one partner is constantly re-proving, and the other is constantly re-testing. Safety is never fully restored, and growth is stalled.
But the couples who do make it? They reach a pivotal point. The offending partner doesn’t just admit guilt; they take daily responsibility for change. The betrayed partner doesn’t just feel broken; they actively choose healing. Together, they move from fear to understanding, from shame to intimacy.
Infidelity may rupture a relationship, but it doesn’t have to end it. With trauma-informed care, courageous honesty, and a willingness to evolve, couples can write a new story, one where love becomes not just possible, but powerful again.
Ready to heal, for real?
If you and your partner are navigating the painful aftermath of infidelity, know this: healing is possible, but it takes more than time; it takes intention, support, and the right tools.
At Inspired & Free, my team has helped countless couples rebuild not just trust, but a deeper, more secure connection than they had before. Whether you’re just beginning this journey or feeling stuck mid-process, you don’t have to do it alone.
Book a consultation, join one of our couples workshops, or explore our healing retreats designed specifically for couples facing betrayal trauma.
Read more from Dr. Dalesa C. Rueda
Dr. Dalesa C. Rueda, CEO & Founder, Inspired & Free
Dr. Dalesa Rueda, LMFT, is the CEO & Founder of Inspired & Free, a virtual therapy practice designed to eliminate long waitlists and connect clients with the right therapists for transformative healing. With over 20 years of experience as a therapist, clinical supervisor, and educator, she is passionate about making therapy accessible while preventing clinician burnout. Dr. Dalesa also creates courses, retreats, and self-led therapy tools to help individuals and couples cultivate love, freedom, and empowerment in their lives.
