From People-Pleasing to Purposeful Yes
- Jul 9
- 5 min read
Karmen Fairall is a Speech Pathologist and reflective practitioner exploring sustainable leadership, boundaries, and well-being in helping professions. Drawing on lived experience, faith-informed values, and professional insight, she writes to support people who serve others in demanding roles.
For as long as I can remember, I have been someone who says yes. Yes to helping, yes to taking on the extra task, and yes to being the person others can rely on. If I’m honest, I have often seen this as a strength. I genuinely enjoy supporting people. I find meaning in making life easier for others, solving problems, encouraging growth, and creating a sense of stability when things feel uncertain. But I am learning there is a difference between serving from a place of purpose and serving from a place of pressure. One creates sustainability. The other slowly empties you.
When yes becomes automatic
People-pleasing is often misunderstood as simply wanting people to like us. While approval can be part of it, the reality is often more complex.
For many people in caring roles, people-pleasing develops alongside positive qualities, such as empathy, responsibility, conscientiousness, and a desire to contribute. The challenge comes when those strengths become disconnected from our own capacity.
Instead of asking, “Do I have the capacity for this?”, “Is this mine to carry?” or “Does this align with what matters most in this season?” we automatically ask, “Who needs me?” “Who might be disappointed?” and “What happens if I say no?” Somewhere along the way, the needs of others become easier to identify than our own.
The strengths that become struggles
I’ve found personality and strengths frameworks helpful, not because they define me, but because they give language to patterns I’ve noticed.
As an ISFJ, I recognise a tendency toward responsibility, loyalty, and attentiveness to others. Through the Enneagram, I identify with aspects of Type 1, the Reformer, including a strong internal drive to do things well and make a meaningful contribution. Through the Working Genius framework, my strengths of Enablement and Tenacity also make sense of my instinct to step in, support others, and see things through.
These are genuine strengths, but every strength, when overextended, has a shadow. The same qualities that make someone dependable can also make it difficult to recognise when they are depleted.
Research into perfectionism and self-criticism highlights this tension. High standards can be motivating and beneficial, but when they become connected to self-worth or fear of disappointing others, they can contribute to stress, anxiety, and reduced well-being.[1]
The question is not whether we should care. The question is whether we can care without abandoning ourselves.
When ignoring yourself gets loud
For much of my adult life, I described myself as someone who “used to have anxiety.” I saw it as something from a previous chapter, something I had learned to manage and move beyond.
Then, over the past six months, I noticed familiar patterns returning. My thoughts became louder, my capacity felt smaller, and things that would normally feel manageable started requiring significantly more effort.
There were certainly external pressures contributing to this season: motherhood, business, political and personal changes, and the constant responsibility that comes with caring for others. But as I reflected more deeply, I began to recognise something else. I hadn’t been listening.
Not to my body. Not to my mind. Not to the quieter signals asking me to slow down. As a woman who wears many hats personally and professionally, it is surprisingly easy to move through an entire day without asking myself one simple question: How am I actually doing? For many people who serve others, this question can feel surprisingly difficult to answer.
The hidden cost of always being available
The challenge with people-pleasing is that it often looks like kindness from the outside. People see reliability, generosity, and someone who can be counted on. What they may not see is the internal negotiation happening underneath: “Can I fit this in?” “How much will this cost me?” and “What will I need to sacrifice to make this work?”
Over time, constantly prioritising others can quietly teach us that our needs are optional. But they are not. Rest is not optional. Capacity is not optional. Our well-being is not optional.
Research into self-compassion suggests that responding to ourselves with the same understanding we naturally extend to others is associated with greater psychological well-being and resilience. For helpers especially, this matters because sustainable care cannot be built on ongoing self-neglect.
Moving from reactive yes to purposeful yes
I am not learning to say no to everyone. That would not reflect who I am, nor would I want it to. I am learning to move from a reactive yes to a purposeful yes. A reactive yes often comes from guilt, fear of disappointing others, discomfort with conflict, and feeling responsible for fixing everything. A purposeful yes comes from clarity, capacity, alignment with values, and a genuine willingness to contribute.
Both may look similar from the outside. But internally, they feel very different. The goal is not to become less generous. The goal is to become more intentional.
Two practices for this season
The first practice is a baseline practice: create space before answering. For one week, practise delaying your response before committing. Instead of an automatic yes, try “Let me check my capacity and come back to you.”
This small pause creates space between the request and your response, allowing you to make a decision rather than simply react.
The second practice is a reaching practice: audit your commitments. Look at your current responsibilities and ask yourself what you are doing because it aligns with your values, what you are doing because you feel responsible for everyone’s happiness, and what you would release if you believed your worth was not dependent on how much you could carry.
The goal is not to remove every responsibility. It is to ensure the responsibilities you carry are ones you have consciously chosen.
A final reflection
I am learning that being someone who serves others does not mean becoming invisible. The people we love do not need the most exhausted version of us. They need the most present version of us. Perhaps the most purposeful yes we can offer others begins with learning to honour the person who is saying it.
Continue the conversation
I’m currently in a season of slowing down and exploring how faith, frameworks, and reflective practice can support more sustainable leadership and service, particularly in helping professions.
If this reflection resonated with you, I invite you to stay connected and follow my journey on LinkedIn, where I’ll continue to share insights as this work develops.
Read more from Karmen Fairall
Karmen Fairall, Speech Pathologist, Reflective Practitioner
Karmen Fairall is a Speech Pathologist and business owner with experience across allied health, service-based leadership, and caregiving roles. Her writing explores burnout, cognitive load, boundaries, and sustainable leadership in helping professions. In this season, she is intentionally slowing down to reflect on how faith, frameworks, and systems can support healthier ways of serving others. Through her work, she seeks to help people lead and live with clarity, compassion, and care.
Reference:
[1] Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429.
[2] Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
