Written by: Joyce Nassar, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I look at myself in the mirror and enjoy my radiant, healthy face and shining clear eyes. I feel into my body and enjoy the perception of the energy flows of pure life within me, in every cell. I look in the mirror and see love, happiness, joy, harmony, peace, and health.
Today I am 42 years old and bursting with energy and creativity. I am absorbed in my task to develop myself further and further, support people, show them ways, pick them up in their challenges, lead them into self-development, self-love, self-esteem, and successfully into the love and joy of life. What a gift. Hard to imagine that 12 years ago, I was a mental, psychological and physical wreck!
At 30 years old, I had diagnoses such as chronic traumatized, depression, burnouts, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and panic, tinnitus, bone and joint pain, chronic sinusitis, cluster headaches, regular bronchitis, irritable stomach and intestines, cervical spine and back problems, carpal tunnel syndrome, breathing problems, weakness and nervous breakdowns, listlessness, and more. There were also various suicide attempts and addictions where I continuously felt of being a victim of life, of having failed, of being worthless, unworthy, not worth living and loving. I was disgusted with myself at times, despised myself, and, yes, even hated myself.
How was it possible to be so psychologically, mentally, and physically destroyed at 30?
Looking back, I can say that my life has been anything but conventional. Even as a small child, I was searching. I just wanted to be loved and seen. My father had left my mother when I was a few months old, and my mother was caught up in her own inner issues and could only act as she was able to. She had certainly loved me in her own way, but I got to feel very early what it was like to feel alone, not understood, to serve the surface and illusions more than to live honestly and truly.
My childhood was filled with mental, physical, and sexual violence and eternal blame. Nowadays, I can talk freely and openly about my life because I am completely healed. My permanent development of my body, mind, and in harmony with my soul, strengthens me so much that my past is not only a survived part of my life. I draw from this wealth of experience, create something new, and in deep appreciation and gratitude for myself, I have made the decision not to sweep my past under the carpet, but to help other people with my life story, as well as to open perspectives. In all that I am about to tell, please keep in your subconscious that I have been free, healthy, and happy for many years!
The first sexual abuse I experienced was in my nursery. I was 6 years old, assumed that I was safe at home, that I could rest safely in my bed before supper, after an exhausting day of training in competitive gymnastics. The "good friend of the house" was there too, at my bedside. It became a regular thing for three years, until I was 9 years old. Once my mother came into the children's room during this time. She asked what we were doing there. He replied, "Massage. I am massaging Joyce." My mother replied that she would now go on making supper and left my nursery without hesitation.
For me, this behavior symbolized that everything was fine. Although I had been enlightened very early, at the age of 4, by my mother regarding the human body and sexuality, and I certainly guessed deep in my subconscious what was being done to me, I let a veil of repression, of forgetting, fall over the fact of the abuse.
I was usually the loner, always dressed differently from the other children, spoke "differently" from a very early age, seemed more serious, and craved attention. I tried to be what was expected of me. On the other hand, I also lied a lot and rebelled against many things. Again and again I ran away from home, in despair and helplessness, because I did not feel understood, and I detested maintaining the facade. I had few friends, was the eternal outsider at school and the gymnastics club. In the playground and on the street where I lived, there were some older boys and also men who frightened us smaller girls so that they could get what they wanted from us.
When I was 13 years old, I tried hashish and marijuana. I knew the smell from home, so it was nothing out of the ordinary for me. I finally found "friends." Friends who accepted me at least a little bit. We were very different, came from different parental homes and social "classes," but we all had one thing in common: we wanted to do what we wanted freely and not what was constantly expected of us! In each of us was the rebel. We lived that out.
I belonged to the extreme variety. I was always driven by the urge to be LOVED and SEEN. I played the cool, the crass, the tough. Inside, however, I was already broken, unhappy, and in permanent pain. I experienced my first rape at the age of 15. After that, many more were to follow.
I had no support from home but listened to myself that I was to blame in this case as well. All this was a trigger for me, and I suddenly remembered those three years in my nursery again. I had lifted the veil of forgetfulness and fell even lower. My mother tried to convince me that I imagined everything and that these "delusions" came from my, by now, heavy drug use. I tried to numb the powerlessness that was growing inside me by all means. Until finally, at the age of 16, due to nervous breakdowns and self-sacrifice, I came to a clinic for child and adolescent psychiatry, made my first cocaine withdrawal, and got a few months off from the destructive life outside the clinic walls.
However, violence at all levels characterized my years regularly. I myself also went from being a constant victim to a perpetrator several times, inflicting physical and mental violence on others. More and more, I fell into the pattern of not caring about anything. Since self-inflicted suicide attempts were unsuccessful, I tried to destroy myself with drugs and daredevil behavior. I fell into many addictions, including mental ones. This came out, especially when I met my then-husband at the age of 19.
It was a moment when I was in absolute abandonment. To the outside world, I was able to keep up appearances with my look and my behavior, which fit in everywhere. Despite my drug and alcohol consumption, people thought I was "strong," that I had most things under control. I could articulate myself well, looked well-groomed, and knew how to "behave" in almost all situations and social classes, so that I was accepted superficially, looked "good" or "cool," and no one could see behind my facade.
But at 19, I was already dead inside, or so it felt. That summer, I had also lost 4 days of my life because 2 men had drugged me with knockout drops. I know until today only some sequences from these 4 days, in which I found consciousness for short moments, and perceived myself on a bed. I was lying in a small room, a camera was set up by the bed, and different male faces were above and beside me.
I will not go into details now, although nowadays I can speak freely about it, and I am at peace with what happened. In this article, I would like to touch only a small selection of some life excerpts to be able to represent to some extent of my experiences.
My then-husband at that time was, for me, the illusion of protection, security, strength and love. I became a slave to him like what he said was my life. I let myself be completely manipulated, plunged into severe anxiety, obeyed, and believed him when he said that I could be glad that such a man as he married someone like me, and I should be grateful for it. By the time I was 20, I had gone through my second cocaine withdrawal and was "only" drinking alcohol occasionally when my then-husband allowed me to.
I was 22 years old when I gave birth to my child. This lit a small fire in me again. The fire of true love. I knew that I would do everything for her so that she would have a better life. Slowly I left the illusion in which I held myself captive. But I only managed to break away from my then-husband after he had choked me to death. I had a near-death experience. As a result, I was revived, and I had to flee with my child from a foreign country in which we were living at the time, in fear of my life. I was only able to do this with the support of complete strangers who helped me hide from my furious husband, who chased my child and me until we were finally on the plane back to Germany.
I cannot summarize in short form what happened then. But in the following 4 years, I should again look into the abysses of life and the so-called society.
At the age of 28, I was addicted to cocaine again, completely desperate, because all the therapies of the all past years had no long-term success. Then suddenly, I felt a voice deep in my heart, an ever louder cry, "Enough is enough! It suffices! I want to live!"
This cry did not get any quieter, and I began to feel it, the hunger for LIFE, for true life, a life full of joy, happiness, harmony, health, peace, and - LOVE.
After my third cocaine withdrawal, I needed a few more years to bring my decision to LIVE into visible change, to go new ways, without doctors, alternative practitioners, or the usual possibilities that I had tried unsuccessfully for over 20 years in the long run.
Taking antidepressants and tranquilizers made me "function" better, but I did not feel life itself. The eternal pain, powerlessness, and longing remained. So after two attempts, I had the drugs phased out after taking them for several years, at the age of 32.
I remembered how I had managed as a child to be cheerful and happy at times and how I had felt safe and secure. Other people called it a fantasy world, but I loved my companions and my travels through other worlds while my body was in my bed. I could leave my body already very early.
After 4 years, I began to pray out of an impulse. I called my contact, GOD. I remained connected with the divine in my childhood age. I heard nature speak with me, cleaned houses and dwellings from negative energies. I could see the memories of the places and their former inhabitants. My medium abilities allowed me to speak with the deceased and deliver messages. I even laid my hands on other people and healed what needed to be healed. For me, it was all normal and I loved this connection.
Although I could help many people and cleared many houses, offices, and apartments of negative energies, others laughed at me. Since others' opinions used to be very important to me, I created a mental block to my spirituality, abilities, and gifts when I was almost 14 years old. Through this, I increasingly plunged UNDER the darkest hells in life.
But through these memories of this part of my childhood, the love of shamanism and the indigenous peoples, I found the way to a shaman who made a shamanic trauma healing with me. Since then, EVERYTHING changed for me.
I built a healthy distance to the past, and no longer fell into the maelstrom of negative memories. I could focus better and control my thoughts more and more with my words, building a positive mindset. In addition, my knowledge finally became FEELING. Not only to feel the eternal pain and suffering, but to perceive and acknowledge positive feelings, such as love, joy, happiness and gratitude, without fears, within me.
I turned back to my spirituality and consciously opened the doors for my abilities, which I already had as a child. I integrated personal development teachings into my daily life and took shamanic training with a shaman from North America, who taught me Paleolithic shamanism and its traditional healing methods. I also studied with the High Priestess of the Mayan Solar Tradition and became a Xamanic woman. A Maori shaman from New Zealand, a priest from the Nigerian Yoruba culture, an Inuit shaman from Greenland, and some of their students, are among my teachers.
At the age of 34, I developed a way to connect body, mind and spirit into harmony to finally be stable and healthy in the long term. I succeeded in doing this because I had experienced all levels INTENSIVELY myself.
For 8 years, I am free from all diagnoses, addictions, traumas, and also physical complaints!
With the memory of my spirituality and my abilities, the further development of my own consciousness, transformations and new insights that I have integrated into my life, I have not only managed to heal myself. I also cleanse places and buildings of negative energies again. I show women, young people, and men the ways and possibilities how they too can manage to come into their love, self-worth, and power to manifest their own individual spirituality and their true fullness, with all their unique gifts and abilities, in this world completely clear and free. I do not use concepts or believe in anything but rather consciously live the belief in themselves again.
My online coaching, programs, seminars, and retreats, we reactivate the memories of our individual spirituality that allow us to grow beyond ourselves, find and satisfy our longings in the center of our heart. This happens in the combination of coaching sessions, distant healings, self-discovery pathways, perspective shifts, accompanying the transformative processes, consciously opening the pure consciousness to learn the 360-degree view, self-healing activations, the expanded understanding of body, mind, and spirit in harmony, drumming sessions, sound healings, channeled tones and syllables, individual meditations, specific guided inner journeys, rituals, ancestral healings and ancestral lineage purifications. Through the expansive understanding of creation and zero-point based on vibrations, energies, and frequencies, we experience profound changes out of the moment, and without having to dive into the past or repress anything, answers and insights emerge on the path we walk, in love, appreciation and unconditional recognition for ourselves.
For people to be and become healthy, and so the world, we may understand that condemnations, judgments, evaluations, comparisons and competitions, "better" and "worse," "right" and "wrong," and all these smallholding systems may be dissolved, and that we are much more than we see in the mirror and/or have always been told or have told ourselves.
I stand up for all people to give courage with my story and my face and to bring the message to the world.
Never give up! Believe in yourself! You are valuable and important! You yourself can change everything if you WANT to!
The moment we start to live from the center of our heart, the pure heart connects consciously with our soul to believe in our uniqueness again. We step out of expectations and conditions that should be fulfilled. Lovingly we accept ourselves, and we take care of ourselves for our very highest good. First of all, inwardly, the healing of the memories and the experiences begin, as well as the way into perfect health.
The moment we stop SEARCHING and move into FINDING, issues such as addiction also dissolve as a completely new alignment is defined and lived. Everything is energy. Energy contains vibrations. Vibrations create frequencies. If we understand that every word, every thought, every alignment, every action, simply EVERYTHING is energy, we can consciously nurture the energy that we ourselves want to live in, that we ourselves want to FEEL and the body goes with it.
It is like a joyful dance of the cells, which are led from their shadow existence back into the light, feed on the new sun, and thus begin to blossom in a consciously reactivated field of love and joy, in their perfection and dignity.
Joyce Nassar, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Joyce Nassar is a spiritual transformation guide, and guides people who think that it is no longer going on, that they are not important enough, that they are or must be an eternal victim, that they never get away from their past, that they have no chance of love, health, joy, happiness and success, of new, healthy and positive life paths. With her incredible life, consisting of mental and physical violence, addictions, all her other suffering and diagnoses, her irrepressible life energy, which she has repeatedly brought up, with her spiritual know-how and her rediscovered love of life, she is now able to help people to get into emotional balance, to feel the self-worth and self-love again and to live consciously again. Her connections to the divine universe and the spirits have given her the construction of creation in terms of vibrations, energies and frequencies. This deep and higher awareness and expanded understanding makes it possible to change health, situations and one's own life, as well as other lifes, into the positive. It consciously reactivates the memories of the original cells, so that body mind and soul can be felt and lived in harmony. Joyce Nassar has stood up to encourage with her story, her words and her face, and to bring the message to the world: Never give up! Believe in you! You are valuable and important! You can change everything yourself by using the power of decision for you!