7 Common Mistakes People Make When Dealing with Narcissists
Updated: May 20
Do you find yourself feeling confused or drained after interacting with certain people? Our expert panelists break down the most common mistakes people make when dealing with narcissists – and share smarter, healthier ways to respond.
Expert Panelists
1. Seek approval
In Dr. Charlotte Bedasse’s book Offense Kills: Healing From the Emotional Triggers that Hold You Captive, she explains what happens when you deal with a narcissist and the common behaviors you can expect. Here are two common mistakes people make and how to respond instead:
1. Expecting a narcissist to acknowledge when they’ve made a mistake and take accountability for their actions. They are masters at convincing themselves that reality is the lie they rehearse repeatedly, and they will twist the truth until you begin to question your reality.
2. Mistaking their displays of affection for empathy. A narcissist is incapable of considering another individual’s emotions.
When dealing with a narcissist, the best thing to do is to go “DEEP”. A concept taught by American Clinical Psychologist, Professor Ramani Durvasula: Don’t Defend, Don’t Engage, Don’t Explain, and Don’t Personalize.
2. Shoulder responsibility
Many people fall into the trap of accepting blame when dealing with a narcissist simply to avoid conflict. Over time, this gradually erodes your self-worth and reinforces the narcissist’s distorted narrative that they are never at fault. Learning to hold your ground, even when it feels uncomfortable – is essential to protecting your sense of reality.
3. Trust their words
Expecting empathy or accountability from someone who consistently shows they are unwilling or unable to offer it. Many individuals also fall into the trap of over-explaining themselves, hoping clarity will resolve conflict, when in reality it often fuels further manipulation. Another mistake is believing that if they just try harder, be more patient, loving, or understanding, the narcissist will eventually change. People often internalize the blame for the narcissist’s behavior, which slowly erodes their confidence and sense of reality. Ignoring early red flags or repeatedly giving the benefit of the doubt can keep someone stuck in unhealthy dynamics far longer than they deserve. A healthier approach is learning to set firm boundaries and recognizing that protecting your emotional well-being is not selfish, it’s necessary. Ultimately, the most empowering shift is moving from trying to fix the narcissist to focusing on your own clarity, limits, and self-respect.
4. Sacrifice your boundaries
Trying to reason with a narcissist as if they’re dealing with someone who values mutual understanding, they don’t. They value control, attention, and emotional leverage. Another common trap is over‑explaining or defending yourself, which only gives them more material to twist. People also expect empathy or reciprocity, and that expectation keeps them stuck in a cycle of disappointment. The healthier move is to set clear boundaries, stick to them without debate, and stop taking their reactions personally. When you stop feeding the dynamic, you start reclaiming your clarity and energy.
5. Dismiss instincts
Relying solely on logic and communication to navigate narcissistic dynamics is ineffective because it does not operate on mutual understanding but on control and manipulation. Many people stay in these dynamics far longer than they should because they override the signals of their own body, the tension, the exhaustion, the constant feeling of walking on eggshells. The body often knows long before the mind is willing to admit what is happening. Learning to trust those signals is often the first step in breaking the cycle.
6. Prioritize others' needs
In my experience, the mistake I made was believing that if I just worked harder, clarified more, and absorbed the pressure, the situation would stabilize. Instead, overfunctioning only created more dependency and less accountability. I found myself explaining repeatedly, carrying conversations that were not mine to carry, and slowly losing clarity and energy in the process. What changed for me was realizing that leadership is not about enduring dysfunction but about protecting alignment, access, and mission. Boundaries did not damage the relationship; they revealed the truth of it.
7. Feed the cycle
Trying repeatedly to explain themselves in the hope that clarity will lead to understanding. Many believe that if they communicate better or provide more context, the conflict will resolve, but these dynamics are rarely about misunderstanding and more often about control and emotional leverage.
The more you defend or justify yourself, the more the conversation stays trapped in a draining cycle. A healthier response is to keep communication calm, brief, and clear while refusing to engage in endless arguments. Simple statements such as “That is not how I see it” or “I am not continuing this conversation right now” can protect your energy and establish boundaries. When you stop trying to win the argument and start protecting your emotional well-being, the dynamic begins to shift.
Dr. Kapil and Rupali Apshankar, Award-Winning Board-Certified Clinical Hypnotists | Board-Certified Coaches
