The Real Reason Disagreements With Your Spouse Feel So Painful
- 7 hours ago
- 4 min read
The Emotional Regulation Coach regulates your nervous system, co-regulates with your kids, and feels safe at all times, even when the people around you are dysregulated.
Have you ever had a disagreement with your spouse and felt completely alone, even though they were right there? What if the real problem wasn’t the argument itself, but what you were thinking about it? Here’s a personal story about how one scheduling disagreement revealed a powerful truth about connection, thoughts, and how you can change the way you experience conflict in your marriage.
A perfect storm for disconnection
Recently, I’ve been out of town, which means my wife was the solo parent for six days. Solo parenting is no small feat. Add to the situation that my wife, Abby, is an introvert who recharges by being alone, and you’ve got a perfect storm, six days of pouring out with very few opportunities to refuel.
When I got home, I brought up how I’d noticed our kids seem to be going through another one of those demanding developmental stages, you know the ones. Hormones change, emotions become intense, and they start testing and defying you every chance they get. These phases feel very demanding because we care deeply about supporting our kids when they’re struggling. That support costs us time, energy, and resources.
So, for six days, Abby had been supporting our kids as best she could, without my help, while also running her business, managing a new team of employees, and teaching yoga. It was the perfect environment for a disagreement. Sure enough, we had one.
It was a scheduling disagreement. We couldn’t align on how to prioritize our time and energy this fall. The conversation ended with Abby asking that we not talk about it anymore that night. It was past our bedtime, and we were both tired.
What I was really feeling
I hate it when this happens. I feel so disconnected, and the conversation feels incomplete and undone. I used to think it was because I don’t like arguing. Now I realize it’s because of the thoughts I have and how those thoughts make me feel when I repeat them on a loop.
The thoughts sounded like this: if Abby disagrees with me, one of us is wrong or bad. If Abby thinks I’m bad, she will withdraw from me. If she withdraws from me, I’m all alone. Being rejected and alone is terrifying. When I think those thoughts, I feel scared, anxious, and insecure.
Externalizing my thinking
The next morning, I pulled out my journal and did a thought download. A thought download is a simple tool Abby and I both use: take whatever you’re thinking and write it down. Just get it out of your head and onto paper.
Once I could see my thoughts externally, on paper and separate from me, I understood why I felt so alone and rejected. Here’s the key insight: Abby didn’t cause me to feel alone and rejected. I did. I did it with my thoughts.
After writing everything down and sitting with my thoughts for a while, I asked myself one question:
“What else could be true?”
New thoughts emerged. Abby had been solo parenting for six days. She needed my support and unconditional love, not a proposal for major schedule changes. She had been pouring out a lot lately, with very little time to refuel. She was having a hard time, and I could make space for her to not be okay. I also know how to regulate my nervous system and keep myself safe, even when I feel distant from someone I love.
Thanks to these new thoughts, I was able to feel empathy toward Abby instead of disdain. I could see how her response was more about her situation and less about me. I was able to create a sense of safety within myself so I could show up differently, to support and love her, and make space for her to not be okay, instead of rushing to fix things so I wouldn’t have to sit with my own uncomfortable feelings.
The real problem isn’t the disagreement
The disagreement I had with Abby was not the problem. It’s what I was thinking about the disagreement, what I made it mean, that created the problem for me.
The same is true for you. The disagreement you had recently with your spouse is not the problem. What you’re thinking about it is.
If you find yourself caught in this unhealthy cycle, where a disagreement leads to thoughts that perpetuate disconnection and distance, don’t give up. It doesn’t have to keep going this way. You can change how you experience conflict with your spouse. It won’t happen by accident. You’ll have to work at it. But it is absolutely possible.
Ready to work on this together?
If you’ve tried “fighting fair” or improving your response to disagreements on your own and it’s not working, please reach out. I’m here to support you.
Read more from Coleman Housefield
Coleman Housefield, Emotional Regulation Coach
Coleman Housefield has spent 20 years coaching and mentoring men and women through the hardest seasons of their lives, but he didn't start this work because he had it all figured out. He began because his own emotions were running his life, and he didn't know how to stop it. Coleman would get dysregulated by his kids, work stress, and things that shouldn't have been a big deal, with no idea how to handle it. Driven by the need for change, he went deep into studying how our nervous systems work, training with the best to build a method that actually works, not just in theory, but in real life with real people who have jobs, families, and little time for fluff. Now, he helps others do what he had to learn the hard way.
