Written by: Mariette Jansen, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Is it possible to co-parent with a narcissist?
Working like a dream or causing nightmares?
Two words need some clarification when talking about this topic: what is co-parenting and what is a narcissist? Would they go together?
Co-parenting is an enterprise undertaken by parents who together take on the socialization, care, and upbringing of children for whom they share equal responsibility. The co-parenting relationship differs from an intimate relationship between adults in that it focuses solely on the child (Wikipedia).
In my book ‘From Victim to Victor – Narcissism Survival Guide,’ I describe a narcissist as someone who shows the following traits that fall in the following categories: life revolves around them, they are entitled, manipulate to get what they want, are always right and feel no empathy. These traits make them the type of controlling parent, who expects their children to admire and serve them, without any appreciation for their needs, achievements, and personal growth.
Co-parenting for narcissists doesn’t match the above description. More accurate is: co-parenting is an enterprise undertaken by parents who take on the socialization, care, and upbringing of children according to the requirements of the narcissist. The responsibility however will be handed over to the non-narcissist. Especially when things go wrong. The co-parenting relationship focuses on the narcissist, who uses the children to get their own needs met and to destroy their ex.
The 7 realities of narcissistic co-parenting
1. Children are there to please their narcissistic parent
Narcissists are the center of their own universe and they consider themselves the center of the universe of their children as well. They usually struggle when children are babies as at that stage they need to be cared for and can’t pay back. When they are older, they will be forced into serving and putting the needs and wishes of the narcissistic parent above their own.
2. Money is a tool to control
An excellent tool to control children and ex is money. When the wishes of the narcissist are not adhered to, the punishment is withholding money or presents. A typical example on Xmas day where two sons found their presents under the tree, the contrast couldn’t be clearer. The ‘good’ son received an Apple laptop and a BMX bike. The ‘bad’ son received two books and a charger for his iPhone.
3. Children should be used to hurt the ex
Divorcing a narcissist is usually acrimonious and painful. However, it often continues after the divorce as the narcissist is deeply hurt by the rejection and the shattered public image. Any effort to build a safe family unit away from the narcissist is being jeopardized. Special occasion days are cleverly set up to take the children away by the narcissists. Holiday dates are unclear and manipulated until the last minute when the non-narcissist misses out, As one divorcee mentions: ‘I have learned to be proactive and book events and holidays and communicate it to the kids, so they have it in their diaries as well.’
4. False promises
Empty promises and future faking are tools the narcissistic parent uses to keep the children on their side. It works for a short while, but often children will stop believing those promises.
5. Not present at important events
A proper narcissist has their own planning and parent evenings, performances, or matches of their children are never part of that. What they do, however, is jump in afterward to complain behind the back of the parent who is hands-on and make separate arrangements or stir the situation up.
6. Alienating the children from one another
Narcissists allocate roles to their children. The golden child is perfect and receives a lot of praise, rewards, and attention. The scapegoat gets the blame for everything, is diminished and criticized, and can’t do anything right. Out of survival, the golden child keeps its position by being loyal to the narcissist, whereas the scapegoat doesn’t get support. It is very unusual to see the closeness between siblings with a narcissistic upbringing.
7. Alienating the children from their other parent
The narcissist aims to have full control. Not for the benefit of their children, but for themselves. Therefore, the focus is on undermining the position of the other parent through criticizing, triangulation (speaking on behalf of someone else like ‘they said that’, lying, and smearing them. The healthy parent is continuously working at keeping the communication channels with their children open, teaching them the dangers of triangulation and to never trust their other parent without checking if they speak the truth.
Co-parenting with a narcissist is focused on damage limitation and fire fighting. Covering up for the unloving actions and compensating for the shortcomings and promises.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent prevents the natural mental and emotional development of children. Instead of concentrating on themselves, discovering life, and growing into their own personality, they walk on eggshells, tune into the mood of other people to accommodate them, develop a need for external validation, and don’t think independently.
The answer to the question ‘Is it possible to co-parent with a narcissist?’ is simply NO. Cooperation and joint goals are not part of the view of a narcissist and it would be better for all parties if the narcissist went on with their lives and allowed their children to start living their own lives as well.
In my show From Victim to Victor, I speak to Vicki about her co-parenting experiences. Click here.
Mariette Jansen, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr Mariette Jansen is a successful coach, therapist and blogger for over 20 years. Also, author of best-selling self-help book 'From Victim to Victor' for victims of narcissistic abuse. She grew up with a narcissistic mother and had several romantic relationships with narcissists. Her mission is to empower and educate on life skills, narcissistic abuse and thinking patterns. She offers a free coaching session via her website. Originally from the Netherlands, she now lives in the UK.
