Are You Playing ‘Chicken’ With Your Intimate Partner?
- Brainz Magazine
- Jan 17, 2023
- 3 min read
Updated: Jan 31, 2024
Written by: Amanda & John, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
In our couple coaching role, we often meet couples who are ‘stuck’, each one not knowing how to move from where they are, to some possible yet often unexplored future.
Will it be together or alone?
Our personal experience with this is that, as eloquently described by David Schnarch in his book Passionate Marriage, each partner may know their own and each other’s ‘2 choice dilemma’, yet be unwilling to take responsibility for their part in the do-I-stay-or-do-I-go dance.
Here’s a typical situation…
One partner is unhappy in the relationship due to the lack of participation of their partner.
Their 2-choice dilemma is:
Do I continue to stay in this unfulfilling relationship in the belief that it will change (usually hoping their partner will change!), or
Do I end the relationship and face the unknown, be single, independent and possibly lonely? For those with children, and especially women who might not have a career or sufficient income or funds behind them, this can be a daunting and significant challenge.
The other’s 2-choice dilemma is:
Do I continue to stay in a relationship where I know I need to step up, but that means I must start contributing, valuing my relationship and ‘doing the work’, or
Keep my head down and just go through the motions, and ‘settle’ for a low-grade relationship, continue to be a ‘passenger’ and hope it’ll last.
We’ve learned that situations like this abound in many unhappy relationships, as both partners invariably know each other’s 2-choice dilemma, yet don’t want to be the ‘first mover’, so just like two drivers speeding toward each other on a single lane road, they end up playing the game of ‘Chicken’.
When this situation presents itself, you have 3 very clear choices:
Do nothing, change nothing, so nothing changes, knowing you’ll be feeling the same or worse in 10 years from now
Call it quits and discuss what a separated lifestyle would look like: kids, parenting, living arrangements, money – do your best to be civil and fair, and avoid lawyers!
Be the circuit-breaker and initiate an honest, vulnerable and courageous conversation along the lines of, “It’s not working for me and this is what needs to change for me to stay in this relationship …” and, “What needs to change for you?” Then really listen!
Options 2 & 3 will diffuse the Game of Chicken and create dialogue for potential resolution, opening the future to possibility, rather than feeling stuck in Groundhog Day.
We also know that coaching can be a much better investment than the cost of a divorce!
Relationship coaching can be an excellent way to navigate the 2-choice dilemma, as a 3rd party can be way more objective, reflective and hold balance for both partners, and stop the Game of Chicken!
Visit my website for more info!
Amanda & John, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Amanda & John are known as 'The Couple Whisperers' and, as a couple themselves, know what it takes to maintain emotional connection, no matter what's happening in life. As coaches in their own right, Amanda & John decided to combine their skills to help couples reconnect, tune up their relationship and deepen their connection. Having delivered face-to-face workshops, webinars, 1:1 couple coaching, and as podcast guests, their approach of warmth, understanding, and empathy set them apart. Their mantra is 'Love Your Relationship', and if you don't know how they can show you the way!
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