Written by Monica Jordan, Holistic Coach
Monica Jordan is a holistic coach, writer and speaker. She is an emotional alchemist who supports people in transforming their past and breaking the generational cycle, so they can free themselves, find their inner power & make a difference in their own lives and the lives of others.
All of us will encounter challenging conversations at some point in our lives. In a time where there is such a variety of views regarding politics, social norms, climate, religion, wellness and even nutrition, opportunities for discrepancies abound.
Having successful relationships make a big difference in the quality of our experience. In order to do that, we need to accept the fact that people do not always agree. Far from being a problem, disagreement encourages us to reflect, refine and clarify our own ideas.
Dealing with differences of opinion with people we care about can be tricky, but it doesn’t have to ruin relationships if we go about it the right way.
The following are a number of steps to keep the conversation alive and move it forward, rather than getting stuck in a clash of viewpoints.
1. Beginner’s mind
Approach every conversation with an open mind. In the Buddhist tradition, there is a practice called beginner's mind. It refers to approaching situations with freshness, openness and wonder, free from preconceptions and prejudices. The Zen master Shunryu Suzuki Roshi, who helped popularize Buddhism in the United States, used the term in his book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind.
The term explains that when we think “we already know it,” our mind closes and it becomes rigid and narrow. We stop seeing things as they truly are. But when we have the mind of a beginner, free from biases and assumptions, we can see reality in a fresh, direct way. A beginner's mind is inquisitive, humble and receptive. It allows us to experience things as if for the first time.
This concept relates to the Buddhist value of non-attachment. When we cling to knowledge and views, our minds become stagnant. But when we let go of fixed ideas and opinions, we can approach each moment with fresh perception. Suzuki Roshi, the Zen Monk, writes, "In the beginner's mind, there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind, there are few."
Cultivating a beginner's mind does not mean we discard knowledge and wisdom. Rather, it means we remain open to learning even from experiences we think are familiar, or from views we disagree with. We maintain a willingness to see things from a different perspective. This allows us to remain open and receptive to truth, however it may present itself. So having a beginner's mind is really about maintaining a beginner's heart – open, curious, receptive and ready to learn.
2. Curiosity
Becoming curious about the person’s viewpoint allows us to reach a deeper understanding of his/ her perspective. Resistance only strengthens defensiveness. When someone else is talking, really focus on understanding their viewpoint instead of just waiting for your turn to respond. When we focus on how we are going to reply, we are strengthening our own ideas and rehearsing an answer instead of really opening up and listening to the person’s beliefs.
3. The art of listening
Listen carefully and without judgment. It is only by listening that you will be able to understand the person’s point of view and where they are coming from. Listening is a complex skill that requires focus, patience and practice. We listen not only to what is said but also to what is not said verbally, by his / her gestures, body posture, facial expressions. To truly listen to someone, you must first put aside distractions and give them your full attention. Making eye contact, nodding occasionally and using small verbal acknowledgements will show you are engaged.
More importantly, listen without judgment. Refrain from interrupting. Try not to form opinions or come up with rebuttals while the other person is speaking. Focus on understanding their perspective rather than evaluating if you agree. Resist the urge to give advice unless asked. Often people just want someone to listen to them, not to give them solutions.
Reflecting back on what the speaker has said is a good way to show you grasp their meaning. You can paraphrase their main points and feelings in your own words to avoid misunderstandings.
The ability to listen well takes practice. Start by slowing down and being more mindful when people speak to you. Notice if your mind wanders or you begin planning your response. Gently bring your focus back to the speaker's words. With consistency, and over time, active listening will become more natural and rewarding. You'll discover that truly listening to others provides a gift that costs nothing but gives much in return.
4. Open-ended questions
Asking clarifying questions so you know where they’re coming from. Asking open-ended questions encourages them to expand on certain details. Stay curious and let the speaker take the conversation in the direction they choose.You will inevitably feel an urge to express your opinion. Feel that urge in your body. Notice where in your body you feel the urge. Pause. Breathe into it. Feel the compulsion to speak. Wait. You will have your turn to express your views.
5. “I feel” statements
Focusing on "I feel" statements rather than "You are" accusations keeps the focus on finding solutions that work for both of you. For example, you could say "I feel frustrated when the dishes aren't done like we agreed, can we discuss a better system?" rather than "You never do your chores properly!"Being mindful of your tone and word choice shows the other person you still care for them at a human level, even if you disagree on the issue at hand. This keeps the lines of communication open and allows for compromise and understanding to grow between you. The goal is resolving conflicts in a way that strengthens, rather than threatens your connection.
6. Staying away from labels
People are complex and multidimensional, so labeling people based on our own assumptions show limited understanding. It also prevents us from truly seeing and connecting with them. Labels often oversimplify complex realities.
Avoiding labels allows for more openness and understanding in relationships. When we resist categorizing others, we leave space for more nuanced perspectives to emerge. We can have empathy for the unique experiences and circumstances that shape another person. This provides fertile ground for meaningful connection. Labels also assign static identities that may not reflect a person's capacity to change and evolve. It is wise to remember that identities and perspectives evolve over time through experience and self-reflection. This grants others the freedom and dignity to define themselves. Labels are created out of our own assumptions that may very well cloud our minds, and may lead us to only notice information that confirms our preconceptions while filtering out data that challenges them. Without labels, we see people based on direct engagement rather than preexisting frameworks. This leads to perceptions that are more accurate.In this way, we engage people as whole human beings rather than representatives of groups. This view fosters relationships built on authenticity, empathy and mutual understanding.
7. Share your personal experience
Once you feel you understand their viewpoint, share your personal experiences so the other person appreciates where you are coming from. At the same time, listen to their reactions so you can offer some clarification. Compromise may be key, so think about where there could be middle ground. Rather than stating positions, have a discussion to find solutions you both feel good about.
Conclusion
It is important to realize we don’t have to stop having opinions, but it is wise not to identify with your opinions, so as not to see anybody who has a different opinion as a potential enemy, and that can lead to conflict.
Believe it or not, disagreement can be a wonderful spiritual practice. The person who triggers us is our best teacher because they can remind us of where we need to keep on working so as not to identify with our mental thoughts.
Don’t be afraid to agree to disagree if needed. You don’t have to align on every issue. What matters most is that you respect each other. If tensions start rising, take a breather and come back to it later with cooler heads.
Personal growth happens through sincere discussions with people who care about us, not with avoidance. Avoiding conflict by stonewalling only breeds resentment. Avoidance is never the path for growth. Avoidance keeps us stuck.
If we find ourselves reacting to the situation, let’s remember that we can always repair the relationship.
Handle disagreements with empathy, care, respect and cooperation, not aggression, and your relationships will come out stronger.
Monica Jordan, Holistic Coach
Monica Jordan is the founder of EmbraceMindfulness.org. She is a holistic coach who uses her neuroscience and mindfulness background to understand the complexities of the human heart and develop tools to reframe challenging life experiences, reclaim our inner power and nurture our spiritual growth. Her life purpose is to explore ways to alleviate our suffering. She would love to support you in bridging the gap between trauma and purpose so you can connect to yourself, to those around you and to the world in such a way that you are able to embrace & love every aspect of your life, even your challenges.
