5 Ways To Improve Intimacy During The Holidays
- Brainz Magazine
- Nov 6, 2024
- 6 min read
Written by Emily Lacy, Sex and Relationship Therapist
Emily Lacy is the owner and founder of Aligning Intimacy Therapy where she practices as a Sex and Relationship Therapist. She specializes in sexual trauma, genito-pelvic pain, and low libido and holds a passion for appropriate and accessible sexual education.
If we are being honest, holiday stress can overwhelm all aspects of our life. Even if this is your favorite time of year, it takes a toll on several areas of wellness. The amount of pressure to purchase the right gifts, find time to visit with everyone, cook all the best food, travel, or just generally complete the holiday checklist you have running on repeat in your head. My mind is whirling just thinking about the long holiday tasks I just have to do and the regular daily tasks are still there! This can certainly have some effects on our intimate relationships in various ways, regardless of how foundationally strong it might be. Holiday stress can significantly affect intimacy in relationships, as increased pressure, responsibilities, and heightened emotions can create physical and emotional barriers between partners. Here are some common ways holiday stress impacts intimacy.
Emotional distance
The rush of holiday events, shopping, and planning can leave people feeling drained. All the excitement and socializing can significantly deplete our personal energy levels. Emotional stress can make partners more irritable or withdrawn, leaving less room for meaningful conversations or connection. Chances are you have experienced this from a partner and you have expressed it towards a partner before.
Studies have shown that more than half of couples have encountered a stressful event at any point in the relationship that impacts their ability to effectively communicate and increases the likelihood of a partner projecting emotional stress on the other. It is important to remember it’s not personal, but we should try to remain cognisant of the behavior because it can cause unintentional harm to our partner. When people are preoccupied with worries about finances, family dynamics, or holiday expectations, they may have less mental and emotional energy to engage deeply with their partner.
Physical fatigue and exhaustion
Raise your hand if the first thing you want to do after walking from one event to the next for an entire day is give your all to be physically intimate? Holiday gatherings, travel, and preparing meals or hosting can take a physical toll, leading to increased fatigue. This tiredness can decrease physical intimacy, as both partners may be more interested in resting, or planning for the next big event, than in engaging romantically.
Late nights and disrupted routines can impact sleep quality, leading to irritability and a decreased desire for closeness. Even with a day or two of recuperating, it may not always feel like enough depending on how heavy your holiday load becomes.
Increased anxiety and mood swings
Financial stress from holiday spending, managing complex family dynamics, and pressure to create “perfect” experiences can lead to heightened anxiety and mood swings. A few examples of some “fun” anxious holiday moments:
Meeting in-laws for the first time
Trying to make a great first (or second) impression
Too many event invites and not enough time
Kids or other dependents wanting more and more
Trying to continue holiday traditions that aren’t as feasible as they once were.
You might have had a plan to make it all work and it slowly starts to fall a part, or maybe you feel dragged into these activities. Naturally, this can lead to a shift in how you connect with the people around you. These mood shifts can lead to arguments or misunderstandings, making it challenging to feel close and comfortable around each other.
Less time together
During the holidays, couples often have packed schedules that include extended family visits, friends’ gatherings, and work events. This can reduce alone time, which may make couples feel disconnected.
Of all the research and surveys conducted on couples asking how they want to spend their holidays, the overwhelming majority of people report wanting to have time to themselves as a couple in a relaxing environment. Who would’ve thought that not many couples want to spend their holiday being overwhelmed and meeting other people’s needs. Reduced time for personal hobbies or self-care can also contribute to stress, impacting a person’s overall mood and interest in intimacy.
Expectations and disappointments
Holidays come with a set of expectations for meaningful experiences, both in families and in romantic relationships. If one partner feels the holiday didn’t go as hoped, it can create feelings of disappointment or resentment, which impacts emotional and physical closeness.
Unmet expectations around gift-giving, family interactions, or holiday traditions can also create tension, which may lead to arguments or withdrawal. When expectations aren’t met this can lead to miscommunication and accusatory behavior that can bleed into post-holiday living.
Overindulgence and changes to health habits
Holidays often involve more alcohol, sugary foods, and rich meals, which can impact energy levels, mood, and even physical wellness. Meaning even though tis’ the season for all things “more”, things like more alcohol and poor diet can reduce libido and make physical intimacy less appealing.
In addition to the season of “more”, it is the season of disrupted routines. Irregular eating and drinking can disrupt normal hormone levels, which might affect desire and mood stability.
5 tips to manage the impacts of holiday stress on intimacy
Chances are your goal isn’t to cause all of these disruptions to your mood and routine. You’re also probably not excited to cause a strain in your relationship and intimacy due to all of these factors either. Sometimes we don’t even realize it’s happening until frustrations are high, the obligations keep growing, and you’re hoping to “just get through”. There is a way to still enjoy intimacy with your partner and tackle the holidays together.
1. Plan relationship time
Schedule downtime with your partner amid holiday activities. Even small moments of connection can help offset stress. It takes less than the length of a movie to build and maintain meaningful moments of connection with your partner. Try creating a list with your partner of different 5 minute, 30 minute, and 1 hour activities that you could utilize over the next few months!
2. Communicate openly
Talk about holiday expectations and concerns beforehand to reduce misunderstandings. An added tip would be to create a physical reminder of these expectations and solutions to concerns that you can place where you both often look. This could help on the days when it is becoming hectic and the planning phase has trickled out of our brain.
3. Set boundaries
Limit the number of events you attend or the amount of time spent with extended family to prioritize personal time. This works best when you both are confident in the terms and lean on each other for reminders when another person pressures for another activity you just have to do.
4. Practice self-care together
Take a few moments to do something relaxing together, like a short walk, cooking a meal, or watching a favorite show. The great thing about this is by working on Tip 1, Planning Relationship Time, there isn’t a lot of additional planning required. The hardest part could just be committing to have fun with your partner!
5. Support each other’s needs
Recognize that both of you may be experiencing stress during this time. You both will require support in coping with the stress. It’s okay to ask what your partner would like help with and how they would like that support. On the reverse, you are allowed to ask your partner to help you and explain to them how you would like that help. Examples of support can look like assistance in managing responsibilities, stepping in to voice boundaries, or reminders about the self-care schedule.
By creating space to connect in the small ways, even amid holiday busyness, couples can maintain intimacy and strengthen their bond during this often stressful season.
Read more from Emily Lacy
Emily Lacy, Sex and Relationship Therapist
Emily Lacy is an emerging leader in the research and treatment of female sexual dysfunction, trauma therapy, and sex education. She has personally deconstructed harmful and shame-filled messages surrounding sex and intimacy to create an empowered approach to assist others who wish to do the same. She has since developed a group therapy practice where she and her team work diligently to promote a sex-positive and inclusive environment for all to embrace their journal toward sexual wellness.
