When People Pleasing Becomes Unsustainable – How to Let Go of the Disease to Please
Updated: Mar 23
Written by Lisa Gaines, Leadership Wellbeing Coach
Lisa Gaines is a leadership and welbeing coach, empowering mid-life women leaders to redefine success, break through barriers, and thrive. Drawing on her expertise in neuroscience and emotional intelligence, Lisa supports her clients with navigating change, finding renewed purpose, and creating sustainable growth in both work and life.
If you have spent most of your life identifying as a people pleaser, you may have had the energy to sustain it for decades. Then midlife arrives, and suddenly you find yourself wondering, ‘Where did all that energy go?’ and ‘Why have I lost interest in solving everyone else’s problems?’
The shift can feel disorienting. It’s a profound change in how we operate, and it can even spark an identity crisis. If I’m no longer the endlessly caring, accommodating person everyone relies on, then ‘Who am I?’
The disease to please can be an aspect of our personality that drives success, but if left unchecked, it can run us into the ground.
Personally, I’m a people pleaser from way back. I work to satisfy numerous cohorts, including clients and potential clients, organisations engaging my services, and training rooms full of workshop participants. It has served me well in my career and in business, and I have derived a lot of joy and a sense of purpose from this approach, as being of service is high on my personal values list. I, too, have experienced the downside. Being a people pleaser has run me into the ground more times than I can count. I now consider myself a recovering people pleaser.
Ironically, trying to help and please others may not actually be what serves them best. As the saying goes, give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.
Over the years, I’ve come to realise there are different levels of service. Through developing my skills as a professional coach, I’m sure I serve my clients better today than I did ten years ago by modelling healthier boundaries and teaching them and their team members to fish, rather than volunteering to step in and help.
Full disclosure, I sometimes find myself volunteering my above-and-beyond services, and in hindsight, wonder, ‘Why have I taken this on?’ The disease to please is something I have to watch like a hawk and recommit to changing when this habit sneaks back in.
I’ve also noticed something else. In midlife, especially for women, the cost of people pleasing feels higher. For many women I work with, especially those running businesses, leading teams, raising families, and caring for ageing parents, the “yes” muscle can be overdeveloped. We’re capable, conscientious, and we know how to get things done. And because we can, we often do.
But there’s a difference between being of service and being responsible for everyone else’s needs and comfort.
When service becomes self-abandonment
In my experience, “pleasing” and being of service have to be balanced with rest, recovery, and self-care. If we are giving to everyone else all the time, that’s where we run into trouble.
I have seen too many clients, colleagues, family members, and friends go to the extreme with this, become exhausted, burnt out, and worse still, become seriously ill as a result. If we don’t want the disease to please lead to an actual disease, then we have to learn to manage the ‘yes’ reflex.
That starts with a gentle but honest question, "What am I afraid will happen if I say no?" Sometimes the answer is practical, ‘They’ll be disappointed,’ ‘They’ll think I’m not capable,’ ‘I’ll lose the opportunity.’ And sometimes it’s deeper, ‘I won’t be liked,’ ‘I’ll be rejected,’ ‘I’ll be seen as selfish.’
Midlife has a way of bringing these fears to the surface. We become less willing, and less able, to keep sacrificing ourselves on the altar of being ‘reliable’ and ‘always there to help’.
A few signs the disease to please is running the show
You might recognise yourself here if you:
Say yes when your body is saying no
Feel you have to justify your decisions to others
Feel responsible for other people’s emotions
Avoid conflict at all costs
Resent the very people you’re trying to help
And the tricky part? From the outside, it can look like competence, generosity, and leadership, but on the inside, it can feel like pressure, anxiety, and desperation.
Of course, we can enjoy being of service, but within reason
The goal isn’t to stop being a caring, generous person. The goal is to be someone who cares without losing herself. In practice, that can look like:
Pausing before you answer. “Let me check my calendar and come back to you.”
Setting clear expectations. “I can do X, but I can’t do Y.”
Letting people be disappointed. They can deal with their disappointment.
Delegating and developing others. Teaching people to fish is a form of service.
Noticing the ‘rescue’ impulse. Helping is different from saving.
As a coach, I’ve watched coaching clients become better leaders by pushing back more, delegating well, creating clarity, improving systems, and setting healthier boundaries with their teams and organisations.
And I’ve watched women in midlife reclaim their energy by making one small change at a time. Not by becoming hard, but by becoming clear.
A closing thought
If you’ve built a life around being the one who holds it all together, it can feel confronting to loosen your grip. But your value is not measured by your usefulness. You’re a human being, not a human doing.
Being of service is a beautiful gift you give to the people in your life. Just make sure you’re included in the people you’re trying to please.
Read more from Lisa Gaines
Lisa Gaines, Leadership Wellbeing Coach
Lisa Gaines is a leadership and wellbeing coach devoted to helping mid-life women leaders reconnect with themselves, overcome roadblocks or burnout, and thrive. With over 15 years of experience and drawing on her expertise in neuroscience and emotional intelligence, Lisa supports her clients through meaningful transitions in work and life. Her coaching style is nurturing, insightful, and practical, and empowers clients to overcome their barriers and step into new chapters with clarity, courage, and balance. Lisa is passionate about supporting women to step up, stand tall, and create sustainable success on their own terms.
