5 Things I Learned in 5-years of Marriage
- Jun 14, 2021
- 7 min read
Updated: Jun 5, 2024
Written by: Ashley J. Walker, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Marriage is a very wonderful union when you enter it with the right person. So often, people dream about being married. For some, marriage is a fairy tale where things just magically fall into place, and there’s nothing else to do. If we look at married couples on social media, everything seems so happy, fun, and like they don’t have a care in the world. You can have that type of marriage except for one thing; you will have plenty to consider. I have been married for five years now, and there are quite a few lessons that I’ve learned during this time. Some of what I share with you may be surprising, and others might be lessons you’ve heard of before.
1. It’s not just about me anymore
You might read that first lesson and think that’s obvious, but it’s not that simple. We are a lot more selfish than we like to believe. Once we leave our family’s home, whether we are going away to college or doing other things in our lives, everything revolves around us. Our every concern is about making sure that we survive our new journey in life. For some, it might be years before finding the person they want to be with for life. Other people might find it a little faster. I fall right in the middle of the two ends of the spectrum.
I met my husband at 28 years old. He is eight years older than me. When we first started talking, I had all kinds of barriers and electrical fences up that took him a long time to get through. Why? Let’s just say I had my fair share of not-so-loving relationships that left me with lasting impressions. I became hyper selfish by the time I met my husband. My journey in this area went on for a while. I operated out of fear of being hurt by another man. My mindset had to be changed, but it changed slowly. Everything that I did center around what I wanted to do in life and what I needed from the relationship. I hate to admit that it took some drastic measures to realize that it’s not just about me anymore. Before coming to that realization, there were many, many bumps in the road. Once I was able to function in a way that included my husband, those bumps became smooth.
2. Talking about everything
Sticking with the theme of it not just being about you anymore, let’s talk about communication. There isn’t much that you don’t talk about when you’re married. You have to be comfortable with that. Also, prepare yourself to talk about literally everything. When you’re dating, the two of you talk about your wishes and dreams. During those times, the conversations are easy and light. Once you get married, these conversations turn into a little more serious.
You will not just talk about your dreams, but you will go deeper about those wishes and dreams. For example, if you want to change your career, you and your spouse talk about it. Remember the conversation you had about having children one day? Well, that conversation will go a lot further than just how many kids do you want or what their gender is going to be. You will have to discuss the timing, frequency, how much you’ll have in the bank to get ready for the children. Anything that you can think of that will possibly happen in the life you share, then that’s what you will discuss. It’s best to be open and have a clear mind when it comes to marriage. Because the secrets can creep in and consume the peace you established in your union, do you want to walk around every day wondering if your partner knows your secret? Trust me; it is an uncomfortable and cloudy feeling to have. So, become ok with talking about everything under the sun.
3. Vows aren’t just archaic statements
On the most important and beautiful day of your life, the two of you will repeat some vows that go a little something like this, "I, _____, take thee, _____, to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith." Or it will be some variation of this. I’m here to tell you that you are doing more than repeating some words because it’s what you’re supposed to do. The vows you recite on your wedding day have a lot of meaning. Let me share a little story with you to prove my point.
The year I got married, I became very ill. No one was able to figure out what was wrong with me. The illness rendered me unable to walk; as a matter of fact, I had to go through physical therapy to learn how to walk again. That meant that I was unable to continue working on my job. Depression was at an all-time high for me. All this happened a few months before our wedding day. My mom asked my husband a crucial question, one that I was petrified to ask him. She asked him if I was never able to walk again, would he still marry me. His response blew my mind, and he actually said this wasn’t an ideal situation, but that’s why he’s marrying me. He was already living out the vows that we still hadn’t recited yet.
Take the vows seriously because something comes up that will make you practice what you preach. Think about today’s climate. One of you might end up without a job, and you will have to operate on one income. Things will drastically change for your household. That’s when you will see for richer or poorer come into play. When you recite your vows, make sure you mean every bit of it, so your spouse will know for sure that you have their back.
4. Other people may not understand
Choices, choices, choices... We all have to make them. The choices that you make in marriage are not always going to be people pleasers. But, it is not anyone’s business why you are making these choices. When you catch wind that the decision you and your spouse made isn’t up to what other people like, then don’t let those people change your mind. You two worked on coming up with a choice for YOUR lives. That’s it. If it doesn’t involve other people’s lives, then they have no say in what you’re doing.
Here’s the thing, you and your spouse have worked hard to come up with this decision. Sometimes, the choices you make are extremely hard or relatively easy—either way, you have to stand your ground. For example, one of you decides to leave the workforce to go to school full time. Getting this education is going to take three years out of your life. You reach an agreement, and you are happy about the decision you made. When you announce that one of you is going to school full time, people will want to know the details. Tell them the facts, there’s a disagreement, and develop their solutions for how you should go about this. They may even have a very persuasive argument. But, you stand firm in what the two of you have decided. Don’t let them change your mind because it’s what you’ve worked out.
5. Marriage is customizable
This is the fun part. When it comes to marriage, it’s what you make it. Seriously. There are specific guidelines that everyone follows. Like you only have eyes for each other, you’re a team, marriage is like a business, etc. You can make those guidelines and set new ones for your marriage. So before you get married, sit down and talk about what you want it to be. Literally, sit down and write a list of things that you two find acceptable and not acceptable.
Everyone’s marriage looks different, so why can’t yours?
When figuring out what you want your marriage to look like, think about every little aspect. This is for the rest of your life, so think about the present and future. Talk about how often you want to have sex and when it’s ok for you not to do it. How many nights do you want to have a home-cooked meal, and how often you want to eat out. Consider what each of your roles is going to be in the marriage. Even think about all of the ways you want to have fun with one another. You can do whatever it is you want to do because it’s your marriage.
You might read this article and think it doesn’t make marriage seem desirable or fun. This is just a realistic view of some of the work you can expect when you’re married. I enjoy being married and had to work extremely hard in these areas to make my marriage and last as long as it has. My husband is my best friend, and you can be married to your best friend as well. Marriage isn’t something that anyone should take lightly, but it can be your version of a fairy tale. Be prepared for some heavy lifting and someone to rely solely on you.
Until we chat again.
Ashley J. Walker, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ashley J. is a wife, mother, and Founder/CEO of It's Ashley J.'s. After having less than desirable experiences and turbulent relationships, she found her dream relationship, which led to marriage. Ashley J. will show you expert tips on how to find and have the perfect relationship for you. She helps you to find love and stay in love!
