Written by Petra Brunnbauer, Mind-Body Coach Petra Brunnbauer is an award-winning Mind-Body Coach, founder of The Jōrni® well-being platform, and host of the globally ranked Jōrni Podcast. With a Master’s in Psychology and as a doctoral student in Mind-Body Medicine, Petra is committed to advancing holistic approaches to health and healing. Emotional intelligence has become the modern badge of self-mastery, the ability to stay calm, composed, and empathetic no matter what life throws at us. But what if that prized calm sometimes hides a deeper kind of exhaustion? Many people who appear emotionally balanced are, in truth, running on empty, their nervous systems caught in Functional Freeze while they continue to pretend connection instead of feeling it. Beneath the surface of awareness and restraint, something essential begins to fade, the raw, living pulse of emotion itself. The modern gold standard Emotional intelligence has become the unspoken benchmark of success in both professional and personal life. We’re told to stay calm under pressure, listen with empathy, and regulate our emotions before they spill into the room. The promise is simple. Master your inner world and you’ll master your outer one. But somewhere along the way, this ideal has shifted from genuine self-awareness to a polished performance of composure. For many, it’s not emotional intelligence they are practicing. It is emotional suppression disguised as maturity.   The modern world rewards those who appear centered, no matter what is happening around them. Meetings, caregiving, and leadership, every context subtly reinforces the idea that “strong” means steady and unflappable. Yet this pressure to appear emotionally balanced can come at a cost. When we constantly override our true feelings to maintain harmony or professionalism, the nervous system learns to mute those emotional signals altogether. What looks like grace under pressure may, in reality, be the body caught in Functional Freeze, operating efficiently but disconnected from its own emotional landscape.   The irony is that emotional intelligence, at its core, was never meant to mean suppression. It was meant to describe awareness, attunement, and adaptability. But in a culture that prizes productivity over presence, even emotional intelligence can become another form of performance. Many people end up holding tension behind a smile, not realizing that their ability to stay calm might be less about wisdom and more about survival.   The nervous system’s perspective From a nervous system standpoint, what we call composure isn’t always the same as regulation. When the body feels unsafe for long periods of time, it can create its own version of calm, a shutdown that looks controlled from the outside but feels disconnected and numb on the inside. This is Functional Freeze, a mixed stress response where the sympathetic nervous system is still on high alert, while the parasympathetic nervous system simultaneously puts on the brakes. You appear grounded, but inside, your nervous system is caught between activation and shutdown.   The result is a kind of counterfeit calm. You might speak softly, think clearly, and handle conflict with poise, but underneath, there’s an empty space where excitement should be. This physiological state keeps you functional, answering emails, supporting others, and leading teams, but disconnected from the energy, spontaneity, and emotional richness that true regulation brings. Your body is still working overtime to contain emotion, and that containment drains your resilience.   True emotional intelligence is impossible without physiological safety. When the nervous system feels stable, emotions fluctuate naturally. They rise, express, and settle again. There is flexibility without a need to control. But when safety is missing, the nervous system tries to protect you by keeping emotions small, neat, and predictable. That is not self-mastery. It is survival intelligence. Understanding this distinction is the bridge between managing emotions and actually feeling them.   Signs you might be mistaking Functional Freeze for emotional mastery It can be surprisingly difficult to tell when you are in Functional Freeze because, on the surface, it often looks like strength. You seem composed, capable, even serene. You don’t overreact, you listen carefully, and you rarely show frustration. Yet, beneath that calm exterior, there is often an inexplicable emptiness. Your body feels tired no matter how much you rest, joy has disappeared, and connection requires more effort than it should. You may not realize that what feels like emotional intelligence is, in fact, the nervous system’s adaptation to chronic stress.   You might recognize yourself in subtle patterns. Perhaps you pride yourself on being the one others turn to for support, but secretly wish someone would ask how you are really doing. Maybe you analyze your emotions instead of feeling them, offering rational explanations for things that actually ache. Or you notice that moments of genuine happiness fade quickly, replaced by a steady neutrality that feels safe but strangely lifeless. These are signs that the nervous system has learned to substitute control for safety.   Here are a few other clues that your emotional balance might actually be Functional Freeze: You feel detached when others express strong emotions, unsure how to respond. You often describe yourself as fine, even when you sense that something is missing. You can empathize intellectually, but struggle to feel emotions in your body. You avoid conflict and confrontation because it feels overwhelming.   Recognizing these patterns is the first moment of truth where emotional intelligence begins to shift from disconnection back to presence.   Reclaiming authentic emotional intelligence True emotional intelligence isn’t about staying calm but rather about staying connected. It is the ability to feel a full range of emotions without being overwhelmed by them. When you reclaim this capacity from the grip of Functional Freeze, you begin to move from managed composure to embodied presence. Instead of controlling your feelings, you start relating to them. The goal is to create safety for emotions to exist, instead of suppressing them.   Reconnection starts small. The nervous system doesn’t respond to logic. It responds to sensation, rhythm, and safety cues. You rebuild that connection by learning to notice what is happening in your body before you explain it away. You pause long enough to ask, “What do I feel, and where do I feel it?” Then you let the answer exist without rushing to rationalize or explain it. These micro-moments of awareness help create resilience and open space in your nervous system to reconnect with your emotions.   Here are a few practices that support this process: Grounded in physical sensation. Feel your feet on the floor or your breath in your chest before responding in difficult moments. Practice co-regulation. Spend time with people who feel safe to your nervous system, those who listen without judgment or pressure. Reintroduce rhythm. Gentle movement, slow walks, or humming can help re-establish internal flow. Allow imperfection. Let your emotions be messy, unpredictable, even inconvenient. That’s how you know they’re alive again.   Reclaiming authentic emotional intelligence is less about doing it right and more about returning to honesty with yourself. You begin to sense when calm is real and when it is a protective front. And as your nervous system learns that emotional expression is safe, balance and true alignment within yourself will follow.   A new kind of emotional literacy The next evolution of emotional intelligence requires congruence. It is knowing how to meet the world without abandoning yourself. Emotional literacy in this sense is not the ability to manage emotions into polite shapes but to understand their language, to let them inform rather than define you. When you allow your emotions to have their full voice, your nervous system begins to trust you again. Safety returns, not because you are calm, but because you are authentically yourself.   This kind of authenticity changes how you connect. You create space for deeper conversations, for genuine empathy, and even silence. You stop performing serenity and start embodying it. The nervous system no longer has to choose between safety and truth. It learns that both can exist together. That being human and being composed are not opposites after all. This is the subtle confidence people sense in someone who feels genuinely at ease in their own skin.   In a world that still prizes control over connection, choosing authenticity is a radical act. But it is also a deeply intelligent one. When we replace performance with presence, our emotional intelligence becomes more than a skill. It becomes a living expression of coherence. That is the kind of intelligence the world needs most, grounded, embodied, and unmistakably human.   When staying calm starts to feel more like emotional control than living life, it may be a sign your nervous system is asking for something more authentic. Explore The Functional Freeze Formula for tools, practices, and support designed to help you move beyond Functional Freeze and live with more energy, connection, and joy. Follow me on  Facebook , Instagram , LinkedIn,  and visit my website  for more info! Read more from Petra Brunnbauer Petra Brunnbauer, Mind-Body Coach Petra Brunnbauer is an award-winning Mind-Body Coach, founder of The Jōrni® well-being platform, and host of the globally ranked Jōrni Podcast. With a Master’s in Psychology and as a doctoral student in Mind-Body Medicine, Petra is committed to advancing holistic approaches to health and healing.

Written by Bethany Nicole Donovan, Licensed Psychotherapist Bethany Donovan is an experienced psychotherapist, licensed in both Virginia and Washington state, specializing in the treatment of anxiety disorders, trauma, and complex PTSD, as well as working with military members, veterans, and their families. There’s no doubt about it, we live in a distracted world. Everywhere you look, faces reflect the glow of screens, eyes glazed over, bodies almost catatonic. Families spend quality time together by zoning out with Netflix or on their respective devices, or maybe both simultaneously. Couples in restaurants stare down at the screens in their hands or up at screens on the walls, hardly talking to one another. The ubiquity of social media and ten-second videos seems to have frustrated our collective capacity for sustaining attention, especially to things that don’t entertain us. It’s a grim picture. Most of us can articulate that something feels off about this, but we can’t quite put our finger on it. I have long lamented this and asserted that life as we know it today, steeped in hustle culture, an almost inescapable fast pace of life, the normalcy of multitasking, and the harrowing task of attempting to shield ourselves from the near-constant bombardment of screens, artificial lights, advertisements, and demands, is neither natural nor healthy for human beings. Modern neuroscience supports this concern, frequent digital interruptions and “dopamine hits” from smartphones and social media have been linked to higher stress levels and reduced sustained attention.[1][2] In other words, the cheap dopamine that comes from easy entertainment always at our fingertips is quite literally dulling our capacity to enjoy less stimulating, more meaningful things. All this input and fast-paced living inevitably increase allostatic load, the body’s cumulative stress burden, which in turn negatively affects health through heightened sympathetic nervous system activation, our “fight or flight” mode, elevated cortisol, and disrupted sleep cycles. Research consistently shows that chronic stress and sensory overload keep the body stuck in physiological overdrive, contributing to anxiety, depression, and fatigue.[3] [4] Intentionally slowing down, taking time to get off autopilot, and coming into the present moment have hardly ever been more important than they are today. For those of us who follow Jesus, we already know the importance of spending quality time with the Lord in prayer, reading Scripture, and sitting quietly in His presence without distraction. “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) is not merely poetic, it is divine instruction to slow our pace so we can perceive His voice. From the beginning, God Himself modeled this rhythm, “By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing, so on the seventh day he rested” (Genesis 2:2 to 3). He later sanctified that rhythm in the command to “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy” (Exodus 20:8 to 11), and Jesus reaffirmed its purpose when He said, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27 to 28). Rest is not optional, it’s necessary. It is also a reflection of God’s own character and a gift meant for our flourishing. Unfortunately, many of us feel that we cannot afford to take time away from our demanding schedules to spend time with God. However, I would argue that we cannot afford to neglect it. Additionally, research has repeatedly shown that the quality and quantity of the work we produce depend on how rested we are. Studies of sleep and learning demonstrate that well-rested individuals perform better and retain more information than those who sacrifice rest for productivity.[5] [6] Contrary to popular belief, pulling an all-nighter is not a healthy or reliable preparation strategy for good results. It may seem counterintuitive, but it’s true that getting more rest time in place of more hours being productive produces better results. Maintaining balance between the sympathetic, “fight or flight,” and parasympathetic, “rest and digest,” systems and living more intentionally contribute to doing more with less time. It’s quality over quantity. Moreover, this balance produces measurable health benefits, including lower levels of stress hormones, for example cortisol, better sleep, improved immune function, and enhanced emotional regulation.[7] [8] Fortunately, it doesn’t take much time to begin reaping these benefits. We don’t have to spend hours every day sitting still and doing nothing. Even brief mindfulness practices, think five to ten minutes per day, have been shown to reduce anxiety, improve attention, and promote physiological calm.[9] [10] Friends, we need to slow down. All this rushing around and checking out is not good for us. And more than that, God gave us a gift when He gave us the Sabbath. Rest is part of His rhythm, woven into creation itself, and we are wise to follow His example. If you’re not sure how to begin, you’re not alone. The purpose of this article is to give you some starting points and specific practices you can add to your daily routine. Some are simpler and aimed at short-term grounding; others are deeper, lifelong practices meant to cultivate long-term growth. I pray you find at least one or two of them approachable, appealing, and, most of all, fruitful. Let’s dive in. Brief review: What is mindfulness? As was mentioned in my previous article about how mindfulness is for Christians too, mindfulness can be defined as “paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally”.[11] It comes with many evidence-based benefits and is a posture that we are encouraged to take on in many ways and in many different places throughout Scripture. As Christians, mindfulness is foundational to self-control and discernment. Additionally, it can help us enact attentiveness to the Spirit’s leading, meditate on Scripture, practice restraint of speech and action as needed, identify moments when we need to repent, and overall live a life that is much more aligned with walking the narrow path. 1. Name your feelings accurately and honestly with yourself, then share them with God and a trusted other Most of us have heard how important it is to be in touch with our emotions, lest they drive us. This is true. Maybe you have a therapist who has busted out an emotion wheel mid-story and asked you to identify what emotions go with the thoughts you’re sharing. That happens for a very good reason. Neuroscience has repeatedly shown that labeling our present-moment feelings with precision activates the brain’s prefrontal cortex, PFC, which is the region responsible for reflection and self-regulation, while simultaneously decreasing activity in the amygdala, the brain’s alarm center. This process helps the nervous system calm down, a technique popularized by Dr. Dan Siegel as “name it to tame it”.[12] [13] In other words, the more specific we are, moving beyond vague words like sad, angry, or surprised to richer terms such as dismayed, resentful, or astonished, the more accurately our brain encodes the emotion, leading to a noticeable sense of relief in both mind and body. To do this effectively, it is necessary to get curious and observe the cues that help us identify what we’re feeling. This curiosity turns on the PFC, the “thinking and observing mind,” and invites mindful awareness.[11] How does your body feel? What do you notice? Are you tight in your jaw and shoulders? Clenching your fists? Do you feel heavy and weak, or energized and jumpy? To take this a step further, it is beneficial to bring this information to God and at least one other person. Once you’ve identified the emotions, share them with the Lord, as we are encouraged to do in 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” Research on emotional disclosure consistently finds that sharing one’s authentic feelings with a trusted confidant reduces physiological stress, strengthens social bonds, and promotes psychological well-being.[14] Sharing these things with God and with a trusted other helps us feel even more resolved, seen, soothed, and supported. 2. Lectio Divina I first encountered the practice of Lectio Divina at my current church when I decided to go to the monthly spiritual retreat that takes place on Saturday mornings. I immediately came to love and appreciate this practice because of the experience I had with it. Being a person who loves to read whole books of the Bible at a time, it really forced me to take a different approach, slow down, and look more deeply at smaller portions of Scripture. This practice of meditating on Scripture is inherently biblical: This Book of the Law must not depart from your mouth, meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. For then you will prosper and succeed in all you do. (Joshua 1:8) Although Lectio Divina has been practiced for millennia, the term itself emerged in early Christian monasticism, first appearing in the writings of Origen, third century, and later being formalized by St. Benedict and Guigo II in the twelfth century, who outlined its four traditional stages, lectio, reading, meditatio, meditation, oratio, prayer, and contemplatio, contemplation.[15] [16] First, we read a chosen passage slowly and deliberately, letting our eyes scan over it multiple times and noticing what stands out. Second, we pause and reflect on the part that resonates, considering what it might reveal about God, His nature, His will for our lives, and our walk as Christians. Then, we turn from reflection to prayer, share with God your gratitude, confess, repent, lament, intercede, and ask for clarity where it’s needed. Finally, we contemplate, rest in the Lord’s presence, and let the verse or passage sink deeply into our spirit. Be still with His Word and let it settle into your heart. Research shows that contemplative Scripture reading practices like Lectio Divina reduce anxiety, increase a sense of meaning, and activate neural networks related to empathy and self-regulation, like other forms of mindfulness meditation.[17] [18] In this way, Lectio Divina becomes a deeply mindful act of communion with God, engaging both heart and mind in the presence of His living Word. When we take time to meditate on God’s Word, it naturally prepares our hearts for silence in His presence. Step 3 invites us to rest in that silence and listen for His voice. 3. Sitting in stillness, listening for His voice “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) To “be still” doesn’t simply mean to sit quietly, it means to stop striving for control in areas that belong to God. When we insist on managing everything ourselves, we end up spinning our wheels in the mud and heading straight for burnout. Stillness is the practice of releasing control, mentally, emotionally, and physically, and choosing to rest in His sovereignty. In Hebrew, the word raphah, רָפָה, means “to let go” or “to cease striving.” It’s a deliberate act of trust, a moment of loosening our grip and allowing the Lord to be who He already is. Naturally, this takes a fair amount of willpower and resolve, and even more so it requires us to notice when we are grasping for control over something that we do not have control over. I see it this way, we are responsible for what we do have control over, our actions, choices, tasks, being obedient to the Holy Spirit, etc., but we are not to try to control that which is within God’s jurisdiction, for example other people, the future, etc. This calls to mind the following Scripture: (31) Therefore do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” (32) For the Gentiles strive after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. (33) But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you. (34) Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:31 to 34) Modern neuroscience shows that intentional silence and stillness calm the body’s stress response by activating the parasympathetic nervous system, lowering heart rate and cortisol levels, and improving emotion regulation.[19] [20] This same quieting that restores the nervous system also opens the heart to communion with God. In those quiet moments, as the noise settles, we begin to know that He is God not just intellectually but experientially. We sense His peace filling the space our worry once occupied. That’s where His voice becomes clear, not through striving, but through surrender. As we learn to quiet our inner world, it becomes easier to notice the beauty of God’s outer world. Step 4 invites us to take that stillness outside, to look, listen, and experience His presence through creation itself. 4. Sit outside and take in God’s creation One of the most commonly taught grounding techniques in therapy is sensory grounding. It’s usually taught in this way, look for five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This technique brings us out of the emotional midbrain regions that activate threat responses in us and anchors us in the safety of the present moment. It is very helpful when you’re feeling anxious because you’re ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Coming back into the here and now is very helpful for quelling that anxiety. We can use this same mindfulness skill to enjoy God’s creation. Go outside and let your eyes take in the beauty of dappled sunlight, colorful butterflies and flowers, glittering water, green grass, fall leaves, majestic clouds, the stars at night, or the blue sky. Listen to birdsong, running water, or the sound of the wind rustling through the trees. Use your nose to purposefully smell nature, especially flowers, the scent of freshly cut grass, or the smell of wet earth after the rain. Use your sense of touch to feel the world around you, touch the grass or some tree bark, feel the temperature of the air, notice the breeze as it caresses your skin, and take in the textures your fingertips can pick up on. Taste may be the trickiest sense to engage, but if you have a garden, you might choose to pick a few leaves of mint or basil or pick a fresh cucumber to snack on. While you engage your senses, be mindful that God is omnipresent, He is in every place, in every moment, and there is nowhere we can go that He isn’t with us (Psalm 139:7 to 10). Every aspect of nature is part of His design and is marked by His fingerprints. Let this practice stir gratitude in your heart as you take deep, slow breaths into your belly and exhale gently and slowly, as if you were softly blowing out through a straw. Take some time to tell God how grateful you are for life and the remarkable beauty of His creation. Let this gratitude settle into your soul as a form of worship. Parting thoughts As we close Part 1 of this series, may these first four mindful steps inspire you to slow down, draw nearer to God, and rediscover peace in His presence. Remember, mindfulness isn’t just about awareness, it’s about communion with Christ. Take time to rest in Him this week and reflect on what He’s revealing to your heart. In Part 2, we’ll continue with steps 5-7 to guide you further along your mindful walk with Him. Follow me on Facebook , LinkedIn , and visit my website for more info! Read more from Bethany Nicole Donovan Bethany Nicole Donovan, Licensed Psychotherapist Bethany Donovan is a licensed psychotherapist in Virginia and Washington state. She is a veteran of the United States Air Force and Operation Enduring Freedom, serving for one deployment to Kandahar, Afghanistan. Bethany is a certified clinical trauma professional (CCTP) and is extensively trained in treating complex PTSD through EMDR and other trauma-informed therapy interventions. She has many years of experience working with the underprivileged and underserved populations, such as the incarcerated and homeless, as well as military members, veterans, and their families. Bethany has a passion for helping people heal from their past wounds so that they can go from surviving to thriving in life and build a life that they feel is worth living. References: [1] Wilmer, H. H., Sherman, L. E., & Chein, J. M. (2017). Smartphones and cognition: A review on the effects of mobile technology habits on cognitive functioning. Frontiers in Psychology , 8, 605. [2] Mark, G., Gudith, D., & Klocke, U. (2008). The cost of interrupted work: More speed and stress. Proceedings of the SIGCHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems , 107-110. [3] McEwen, B. S., & Wingfield, J. C. (2010). What is in a name? Integrating homeostasis, allostasis and stress. Hormones and Behavior , 57(2), 105–111. [4] Meerlo, P., Sgoifo, A., & Suchecki, D. (2008). Restricted and disrupted sleep: Effects on autonomic function, neuroendocrine stress systems and stress responsivity. Sleep Medicine Reviews , 12(3), 197–210. [5] Walker, M. P., & Stickgold, R. (2006). Sleep, memory, and plasticity. Annual Review of Psychology , 57, 139–166. [6] Kučera, A., Kudrnová, Z., Kostková, M., Šmahel, D., & Doseděl, M. (2019). Effect of sleep deprivation on performance of students during examination period. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 16(10), 1801. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16101801 [7] Creswell, J. D. (2017). Mindfulness interventions. Annual Review of Psychology , 68, 491–516. [8] Tang, Y.-Y., Hölzel, B. K., & Posner, M. I. (2015). The neuroscience of mindfulness meditation. Nature Reviews Neuroscience , 16(4), 213–225. [9] Zeidan, F., Johnson, S. K., Diamond, B. J., David, Z., & Goolkasian, P. (2010). Mindfulness meditation improves cognition: Evidence of brief mental training. Consciousness and Cognition , 19(2), 597–605. [10] Basso, J. C., McHale, A., Ende, V., Oberlin, D. J., & Suzuki, W. A. (2019). Brief, daily meditation enhances attention, memory, mood, and emotional regulation. Behavioural Brain Research , 356, 208–220. [11] Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. Hyperion. [12] Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science , 18(5), 421-428. [13] Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. [14] Pennebaker, J. W., & Chung, C. K. (2011). Expressive writing: Connections to physical and mental health. In H. S. Friedman (Ed.), The Oxford handbook of health psychology (pp. 417–437). Oxford University Press. [15] BibleHub. (n.d.). What is Lectio Divina? [16] Casey, M. (1996). Sacred reading: The ancient art of lectio divina. Triumph Books. [17] Fox, K. C. R., Dixon, M. L., Nijeboer, S., Girn, M., Floman, J. L., Lifshitz, M., Christoff, K. (2016). Functional neuroanatomy of meditation: A review and meta-analysis of 78 functional neuroimaging investigations. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews , 65, 208–228. [18] van der Merwe, D. (2017). Spiritual formation through Lectio Divina: A spiritual journey of deification. HTS Theological Studies , 73(4), 1–11. [19] Krägeloh, C. U., Feigin, V. L., McPherson, K. M., & Grant, B. M. (2019). Mind-body practices and physiological health: A systematic review. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience , 13, 284. [20] Brewer, J. A., Worhunsky, P. D., Gray, J. R., Tang, Y.-Y., Weber, J., & Kober, H. (2011). Meditation experience is associated with differences in default mode network activity and connectivity. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences , 108(50), 20254–20259.

Written by Valerie Priester, Mindset & Strategy Catalyst for Women Entrepreneurs Valerie Priester empowers high-achieving women entrepreneurs who know they’re capable of more to break through internal barriers and scale with purpose. Let’s settle into this together. Because I know what it feels like to be doing all the “right things” and yet still feel like no one sees you. You’re posting, showing up, working hard, but inside you’re wondering, “Am I really making the impact I long for?” I’ve been there. I remember seasons when I poured my energy into serving clients, but when it came to claiming my worth and stepping into visibility, fear whispered, “Don’t make too much noise.” I told myself it was humility, but really it was self-doubt in disguise. The truth? Playing small never served anyone. Not you. Not your clients. And certainly not the women watching quietly, hoping for permission to step forward too. Today, I want to share three shifts that helped me, and so many of my clients move from invisible to invaluable. Because your voice, your value, and your visibility are not optional extras. They are the levers of the impact you’re here to make. 1. Reframe visibility as service, not spotlight When you think of “being visible,” does it feel like bragging? For many women, visibility feels self-centered. The truth is, every time you share your message, you offer a lifeline to someone searching for what you have. Ask yourself, “What if posting today wasn’t about me being seen, but about her being supported?” 2. Anchor your value in transformation, not transaction It’s tempting to measure your value by hours worked or packages sold. But your true value lies in the transformation you create. A client once told me, “Valerie, it wasn’t the strategy that changed me. It was the confidence you helped me reclaim.” That’s when I knew my worth isn’t in a checklist, it’s in the breakthroughs. Try writing down three transformations your clients experience that have nothing to do with deliverables. That’s your true value. 3. Normalize confidence as a practice, not a prerequisite Confidence doesn’t arrive fully formed before you act. It grows as you take action. One client began by speaking up in a small mastermind group. That tiny step snowballed into hosting her first workshop. By practicing courage in micro-moments, she rewired her belief in herself. Each day, practice choosing one ‘micro-brave move’ that nudges you outside your comfort zone. Confidence compounds through repetition. Why women struggle most with this shift Conditioning: We’re praised for keeping the peace, not for taking up space. Comparison: Social feeds make everyone else’s growth look effortless. Perfection pressure: We think visibility requires flawless branding instead of an honest connection. Awareness matters. Once you name these patterns, you can choose to step out of them. The bottom line You are not here to be invisible. You are here to be invaluable. Your story, your work, and your presence are needed. When you choose visibility, you don’t just amplify your business. You give permission for the woman behind you to do the same. Ready to claim your next level? If you’re tired of circling in doubt and you’re ready to step into clarity, confidence, and courageous visibility, I’d love to help. Book a free next-level clarity session with me this month. In just 30 minutes, we’ll pinpoint the invisible blocks keeping you small and map the exact steps that move you toward your next level of success. Click here to schedule your next-level clarity session . Or download my free guide “Break Through Your Confidence Plateau” and rebuild the self-belief that fuels consistent, visible action. Click here to get your guide now . Designing your victory is a choice. Start by choosing to be seen. Follow Valerie on Facebook , Instagram , and LinkedIn ,  or visit her website  for more info.  Read more from Valerie Priester Valerie Priester, Mindset & Strategy Catalyst for Women Entrepreneurs Valerie Priester empowers high-achieving women entrepreneurs who know they’re capable of more to break through internal barriers and scale with purpose. As Founder of Victorious Life Coaching LLC, Valerie blends deep mindset work with values-aligned business strategy, ensuring her clients don’t just set bold goals, they implement them with confidence and consistency.

Written by Dana Hatch, Executive and Neurolinguistics Coach Dana Hatch is renowned for employing a variety of coaching methods to assist leaders in overcoming their struggles and achieving the next level of success. Let’s not sugarcoat it, we’re navigating the turbulent waters of growth right now. Imagine standing in the eye of a storm, where the wind rages between who you were and who you are becoming. This chaotic in-between is where we find ourselves. This is Part I of my series, Becoming Human Again, a four-part, unapologetic unraveling of what it really means to stop performing, to feel what you’ve numbed, and to face the parts of yourself you’ve avoided because they’re too damn honest. Over the next four parts, we’re going to dissect the anatomy of becoming, the awakening that cracks you open, the grieving that guts you, the reckoning that humbles you, and the reclaiming that finally sets you free. And it all starts here, in the most excruciatingly human stage of all, the space between knowing better and doing better. That brutal, beautiful middle Be honest, you say you want growth, but do you really want this part? The part where awareness drags your defenses into the light and forces you to confront the habits and identities that no longer fit, even though they once kept you safe. This is the psychological tension of transformation, when your mind recognizes the pattern, but your body still worships its familiarity. It’s the tug-of-war between cognitive dissonance and nervous system loyalty, the cruel, necessary middle ground between chaos and peace. You’ve survived chaos, this isn’t that. And you haven’t earned peace yet, that’s still ahead. This is the in-between, the space where you can finally see your patterns clearly and, honestly, wish you hadn’t. You know it’s happening when you catch yourself shrinking the moment someone raises their voice. When you make a joke instead of admitting you’re hurt. When you chase people who make you question your worth and call it chemistry, like self-destruction is a love language. When you keep proving yourself to people who stopped noticing you years ago. You call it growth, but let’s tell the truth, it’s emotional demolition with better lighting. Here’s where it starts to shift. Try this, identify one reflex or coping strategy you still repeat, even though you know it keeps you small, the overexplaining, the appeasing, the silence that masquerades as peace. Write it down. Name it without judgment. That single act of observation interrupts the automatic. And what’s interruptible becomes changeable. Because awareness alone doesn’t heal you, it exposes you. It shows you exactly how often you mistake comfort for safety. It reminds you that the chaos you once escaped became the place you learned to breathe. And now, as you try to leave it behind, every cell in your body resists, loyal to the prison it once called home. You’re not broken, you’re in between identities. One foot in survival, one foot in becoming. Wobbling on the edge of who you were and who you’re meant to be. And yes, it’s ugly. You thought self-awareness would make you calm and wise. Spoiler alert, it just ruins your ability to lie to yourself. Because awareness isn’t the finish line, it’s the moment the denial dies and the real work finally begins. Why awareness alone doesn’t rewire behavior Let's stop pretending awareness is the same thing as growth. It's not. It's exposure. I remember a time when "exposure" hit me hard. I was in the middle of a work presentation, projecting confidence while my inner voice screamed that everyone could see through the facade. In that moment, the awareness of my deep-seated fear paralyzed me. It was my wake-up call, showing me that recognizing a pattern is only the beginning. It’s the uncomfortable acknowledgment of reality that compels us to move forward. Everyone loves to brag about being self-aware. You can name your attachment style, quote Brené Brown, identify your triggers, and still act like a walking contradiction. That’s not evolution, that’s spiritual cosplay. Because once you see your patterns, you don’t magically transcend them, you just become uncomfortably aware of the circus you’re still running. Awareness alone doesn’t fix you, it simply destroys your comfort with delusion. You’re not healed because you can describe the wound. You’re healed when you stop picking the scab every time life tests you. Awareness feels like progress, clean, safe, and intellectual. But it’s not a transformation, just a tease. Change begins when you stop narrating your patterns and start breaking them. Awareness shows you the door. Action makes you walk through it. The dirty truth about why you’re still stuck You say you want change, but you keep trying to think your way out of something that was built on feeling. Your logic wants progress. Your body wants proof. And until your body believes it’s safe, your brain will drag you back to what’s familiar, even if familiar is hell. That’s why you keep choosing chaos. That’s why you keep replaying the same dynamic in different outfits. That’s why peace feels suspicious and pain feels productive. You call it self-sabotage, but it’s really self-protection. Your nervous system isn’t broken, it’s loyal. It’s doing exactly what it was trained to do, survive. And survival doesn’t care about your goals, it cares about predictability. If pain was predictable, your body called it safe. If peace was unknown, it called it danger. So every time you overextend, chase, fix, fold, or stay too long, your body exhales in relief, Ah, yes. This I understand. That’s not a lack of awareness, that’s loyalty to your old programming. Your body isn’t resisting growth, it’s protecting the only safety it’s ever known. But here’s the punchline, that safety is the cage. And the key isn’t more insight, it’s new evidence. Stop calling it healing if you’re still hiding Honestly, half the time, healing is just performance with prettier language. You journal about your boundaries but never enforce them. You go to therapy but still apologize for existing. You talk about your triggers like they’re personality traits instead of rehearsed reactions. That’s not growth, that’s emotional brand management. Gaining further intellectual insight is insufficient without experiential evidence that substantiates the possibility of behavioral change. It is necessary to actively demonstrate to yourself that you can refrain from habitual over-functioning, tolerate emotional discomfort without intervening in others’ processes, and remain grounded during periods of calm without manufacturing crises. To cultivate such evidence, consider the following reflective practice. When you notice the impulse to intervene in a situation that does not require your involvement, intentionally pause, take a measured breath, and count to five before responding. During this interval, deliberately observe the situation as it unfolds in your absence. This exercise functions as both a practical application of the essay’s central theme, the transition from habitual coping mechanisms to intentional behavioral change, and as an opportunity for self-reflection. By engaging in this micro-experiment, you increase your capacity to tolerate discomfort, thereby reinforcing safety within yourself and advancing genuine, embodied transformation. Rewiring doesn't start with awareness, it starts with contradiction. Doing the opposite of what your reflex tells you and letting your nervous system realize the world doesn't end. That’s what growth actually looks like: Not epiphanies, but through experiments. Not enlightenment, but through repetition. Not inspiration, but through nervous system reprogramming. Because healing isn’t an aesthetic, it’s not candles, sage, or journal prompts that never translate into action. It’s discipline, the quiet kind that no one applauds because it looks boring from the outside. You don’t heal by understanding yourself. You heal by retraining yourself to do what understanding demands. The call-out you probably need Stop waiting to feel ready. You won’t. Readiness is a myth invented by avoidance. Stop saying “I’m working on it” when what you really mean is “I’m thinking about it.” You’ve done enough thinking. Your brain is bloated with insight. Your body’s starving for evidence. You keep wanting healing to feel inspiring, but it mostly feels like withdrawal. Like detoxing from your own drama, that’s what rewiring actually is, replacing adrenaline with peace and mistaking the boredom for loss. You don’t need another book, retreat, or caption about boundaries. You need practice. Be the version of you that no longer abandons yourself. Not when it’s easy, but especially when it’s inconvenient. Nike said it best, Just Do It. Do it scared. Do it shaking. Do it messy. Because awareness might hand you the flashlight, but only action builds the bridge. The bridge between knowing and doing You already know what to do. You’ve known for a while. You know the conversation you’re avoiding. The boundary you keep rationalizing away. The habit that’s killing your momentum. The relationship you outgrew six months ago. You know. You just don’t want to feel what doing better will cost you. That’s the truth most people choke on. You don’t struggle with clarity. You struggle with courage. You’re not confused. You’re comfortable. And comfort is the most addictive drug there is. You keep saying, “I don’t know where to start.” You do. You just don’t like the answer. It starts with the confrontation you keep dodging. It starts with the silence instead of the explanation. It starts with one boundary that actually holds, even if someone doesn’t like it. You say you want change, but change isn’t a vibe. It’s a funeral. Something in you has to die for something new to live. And most people want rebirth without the burial. That’s why you’re stuck on the bridge, the place between knowing and doing. The place where self-awareness meets resistance and your nervous system bargains for one last hit of the familiar. This is where growth stops being poetic and starts being war. Except this war isn't fought with weapons or strategy. It’s fought with vulnerability and the messy humility of being human. I’ve found myself in the trenches of my own self-discovery, battling the urge to retreat into old habits. And I’ll admit, sometimes my attempts to “do better” look more like awkward missteps than graceful victories. This war isn’t meant to be fought alone. You can’t heal in isolation from the very connection your nervous system was built for. Reach out, not for rescue, but for regulation. Let someone hold space while you unlearn the instinct to hold it all yourself. Consider engaging with trusted friends or family who provide non-judgmental support. Joining a supportive community, such as a therapy group or an online support network, can offer a safe haven for sharing experiences and receiving encouragement. Practice asking for help with specific requests, like scheduling regular check-ins or having someone join you in activities that promote growth. Remember, seeking support isn't a sign of weakness, but a step towards reclaiming your strength. You’ll want to explain yourself. Don’t. You’ll want to fix it. Don’t. You’ll want to numb it. Resist. Let the discomfort break you open instead of breaking you down. Because change doesn’t feel good at first, your body still believes danger lives on the other side of peace. Every pause, every boundary, every “no” feels like rebellion, because it is. Micro-rebellions: how you start crossing Forget the fantasy of transformation that happens all at once. That’s not how this works. Change doesn’t show up as a grand moment of arrival. It shows up as small acts of rebellion that no one else notices. The breath you take before you explain yourself. The message you type and delete. The moment you say, “Let me think about it,” instead of the automatic yes. The night you sit with your loneliness instead of running back to the chaos that created it. That’s rewiring in real time. That’s your nervous system learning that safety doesn't require self-betrayal. If you’re wondering where to begin, start here. Notice one reflex. Interrupt one loop. Take one breath before reacting. Walk away for sixty seconds before rescuing someone else’s discomfort. These aren’t small acts. They’re the scaffolding of your new self. Make it a habit to jot down your daily micro-rebellions or small wins. Tracking these moments helps you notice your progress and builds motivation through visible change. At first, it feels like loss, like you’re giving up connection, closeness, and control. But what you’re really giving up is the illusion of all three. And in their place, a softer feeling begins to grow, a quiet confidence that replaces chaos. It feels like glimpses of calm and moments of peace, where you start to trust yourself and experience the comforting embrace of authenticity. This is the emotional reward of these micro-rebellions, the taste of freedom that slowly transforms reluctance into genuine enrollment. Change doesn’t start with certainty. It starts with contradiction, and it won’t feel good, not at first. Peace always feels awkward to people who learned to equate chaos with love. But that’s how you know you’re doing it right. You’re not losing yourself. You’re finally meeting the version of you who doesn’t need to earn safety anymore. Here’s the part that’ll piss you off and free you You don’t get to think your way across this bridge. You have to walk it. And walking it will cost you your comfort, your validation, and your old identity. That’s the price of freedom, and it’s steep. Every time you choose the pause over the reaction, the truth over performance, the boundary over approval, you’re burning a bridge back to who you used to be. And yes, it will hurt. It’s supposed to. Because this isn’t self-improvement, it’s self-demolition. You’re not finding yourself. You’re shedding the version of you that settled. And that’s not peaceful work. It’s a war with your own patterns. The bridge between knowing and doing was never meant to feel safe. It’s meant to feel real. So stop waiting for it to get easier. Step forward anyway. Shake, stumble, ugly cry, do it half-right, just move. Because “someday” is the most dangerous word in your vocabulary. And you’ve been standing here long enough. Self-compassion is the catalyst Ask yourself, would I talk to anyone the way that I talk to myself? The answer is probably not. The way most of us talk to ourselves is brutal. You’d never say half that to someone you love, yet we narrate our own lives like a hostile commentator. What if, instead of saying, “There she goes again, ruining it,” you asked yourself with curiosity, “What might I learn from this moment?” Instead of, “Why can’t you just get it right?” consider, “What would help me approach this differently next time?” And, “Maybe you’re just not built for this,” could become, “What strengths can I draw on to handle this challenge?” You call it accountability, but it’s cruelty in disguise. You think that if you hate yourself hard enough, you’ll finally become someone worth loving. But here’s the truth you keep dodging, you can’t hate yourself into loving yourself. Shame belongs to the old version of you, the one who survived by performing, the one who learned that approval had to be earned through exhaustion. If you keep speaking to yourself in her language, you’ll keep living her life. Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about keeping yourself on the path without using shame as a leash. It’s not softness without structure, it’s grace that still expects you to grow. If the goal is to feel safe enough to do things differently, you have to start creating safety inside your own head. Your self-talk isn’t background noise, it’s instruction. Your body is always listening, deciding whether you’re safe or under attack. So if every thought sounds like a threat, guess what? Your body goes to war against you. You don’t need more discipline. You need a truce. Replace punishment with permission. “I should know better” becomes “I’m learning how to live differently.” You’re not failing, you’re rewiring. That takes practice. “I always do this” becomes “I’m catching it sooner each time.” That’s not a setback, it’s proof the pattern’s losing power. “I failed again” becomes “I paused for one second. That’s one second more than before.” That’s how neural pathways are built, one second at a time. Self-compassion isn’t a reward you earn when you’re finally good enough. It’s the fuel that gets you there. It’s the only voice your system will ever trust. So the next time you catch yourself mid-spiral, instead of demanding change, whisper like you would to a scared child, “You’re safe. We can do this differently.” You don’t need to perfect yourself. You need to stop abandoning yourself every time you’re imperfect. That’s what changes everything. That’s when your body finally believes you’re not the enemy anymore. That’s when healing stops being theory and starts becoming home. You’re not behind, you’re rebuilding Let’s get one thing straight, you’re not behind. You’re rebuilding. Rebuilding rarely aligns with the idealized progress narratives prevalent in society. Rather, it manifests in the tangible and often uncomfortable realities of personal transformation, such as the deliberate and painstaking process of reconstructing one’s life after disruption. This process may be experienced as persistent rumination during sleepless nights, moments of emotional vulnerability in solitude, or the necessary withdrawal from social obligations when psychological burdens become overwhelming. Such instances should not be misconstrued as personal deficiencies or failures. Instead, they are integral aspects of growth that underscore the universality of human struggle during periods of change. Reflecting on these experiences reveals their practical significance, they serve as critical reminders that emotional difficulties are a normative component of transition, shared across individual and cultural contexts. By acknowledging the prevalence of such challenges, individuals can mitigate self-stigmatization and promote self-compassion, thus fostering a collective sense of empathy and acceptance essential for authentic personal development. It looks like progress no one else sees because the only thing changing right now is you. Progress at this stage doesn’t sparkle. It hums quietly. It sounds like, “I almost reacted but didn’t.” It looks like fewer spirals, shorter recoveries, softer comebacks. That’s what real motivation feeds on, noticing the quiet wins no one claps for. But that’s the part that matters most. The rebuild always happens in private, long before the foundation looks stable. You keep calling yourself stuck, but you’re not stuck, you’re stripped. You’ve outgrown your old patterns, but the new ones aren’t fully built yet. So yes, it’s uncomfortable. You’re too aware to go back and too scared to move forward. That’s not failure. That’s transition. That’s rebirth without anesthesia. The truth no one tells you about growth is that it’s violent. It doesn’t whisper affirmations. It rips away your armor. It forces you to sit in the silence you used to run from. It burns through your excuses and asks, “Who are you without them?” You call it falling apart, but it’s really just the demolition phase. And demolition always feels like destruction until you realize it’s making space for something sturdier. Stop saying, “I should be further along.” Further along, where? Into another version of pretending? Into another loop that looks healed but still feels hollow? You’re not late to your life. You’re right on time for your rebuild. You’re finally meeting yourself without the noise. Without the performance. Without the mask that made you likable but miserable. And yes, it hurts. Growth always does. You’re learning that peace isn’t supposed to be comfortable. It’s supposed to be quiet. And quiet feels terrifying when you’ve lived your whole life in noise. So if you’re here, exhausted, uncertain, rebuilding brick by shaky brick, stop asking for certainty. Ask for courage. Ask for honesty. Ask for the strength to stay when everything in you wants to run. Because this is what becoming human again actually looks like. Not lighter but truer. Not prettier but realer. Not finished, but free. You’re not behind. You’re rebuilding. And that means you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. Author’s note This is where we begin, not with inspiration, but with truth. Not with the version of healing that fits neatly into a caption, but the kind that ruins your appetite before it sets you free. If this made you uncomfortable, good. It was supposed to. This is the excavation before the rebuild, the place where awareness cracks you open and everything familiar starts to ache, where the lies that once kept you safe start to rot in your hands. But this is also where it gets real. Because the only thing harder than facing yourself is pretending you don’t need to anymore. In Part II, Grieving the Almosts, we’ll go deeper into the losses that never got a funeral. The endings that didn’t end cleanly. The people, dreams, and identities you keep revisiting in your mind, like unfinished conversations. Before we dive in, I invite you to gently prepare yourself. Take a moment to reflect on your own “almosts,” those moments, relationships, or dreams that linger. Consider jotting them down to give them the recognition they’ve long needed. This reflection will prime you for deeper engagement and emotional readiness. So take a breath. Unclench your jaw. You’re not falling apart. You’re finally falling into yourself. Welcome to Becoming Human Again. It’s not pretty. It’s not easy. But it’s real. And that’s the point. Follow me on Instagram , LinkedIn , and visit my website for more info! Read more from Dana Hatch Dana Hatch, Executive and Neurolinguistics Coach As a certified executive and neurolinguistics coach with over 15 years of experience in business consulting, I bring a unique blend of psychological insight and practical business acumen to help leaders and organizations achieve transformative results. My approach combines cutting-edge coaching techniques with deep industry knowledge to unlock potential, drive performance, and foster sustainable growth.

Written by Joanne Pagett, Midlife Mentor & Strategist Joanne Pagett is a Women’s Wellness Strategist and Mentor who empowers women to navigate the emotional, physical, and mental transitions of midlife. She helps them rediscover their energy, identity, and joy, and partners with organisations to create supportive, wellbeing-focused environments for women in the workplace. Do you ever feel like you don't belong, despite looking like you’ve got it all together? Do you feel like you don't fit in anymore? You're not alone. It’s time to take a n honest look at why midlife women feel disconnected, exhausted, and unsure of who they are, and how to gently reclaim identity, confidence, and direction without starting over. What is it? Understanding midlife identity loss Between the ages of 45 and 60, many women begin to feel a deep sense of disconnection from their former selves. Life may look stable from the outside, a successful career, family, and a comfortable home, yet inside, something feels off. This experience is called midlife identity loss, a gradual erosion of self that happens when a woman has spent years living for everyone else’s needs while quietly neglecting her own. It isn’t a crisis or a breakdown. It’s an awakening. You may no longer feel excited by what once motivated you. Your reflection looks unfamiliar. Your role as a mother, partner, or professional feels less defined. This isn’t failure, it’s your inner voice calling for change, urging you to reconnect with the real you. We often talk about menopause, hormones, or ageing, but few speak about the identity shift that comes with midlife. Behind the calm competence of women in their forties, fifties, and sixties, there’s a quiet chorus of confusion whispering, “I don’t even know who I am anymore.” This isn’t a weakness. It’s what happens when a lifetime of being everything to everyone leaves no space for yourself. Somewhere between forty-five and sixty, many women wake one morning with an ache that words can’t quite capture. Life looks stable from the outside. A successful career, grown children, a house that finally stays tidy, and yet something feels missing. You go through the motions, ticking boxes, showing up, smiling. But deep down, a question hums under the surface, “Is this all there is?” The truth is, this isn’t failure. It’s identity erosion, the slow fading of self that happens when you’ve spent decades caring, providing, and proving. You’ve built a life for everyone else’s needs, but in the process, you’ve quietly vanished from your own. “You haven’t failed, you’re just exhausted from carrying too much for too long.” Psychologists describe midlife as a “liminal transition”, the space between what was and what’s next. It’s where everything familiar starts to shift at once. Hormones fluctuate. Children leave home. Parents age. Careers plateau. The body changes shape. When so many pillars move simultaneously, it’s no wonder you feel unstable. And because society doesn’t prepare women for this internal disorientation, you assume something is wrong with you. But nothing is wrong. You’re simply standing in the gap between identities, no longer who you were, not yet who you’re becoming. At this stage, women don’t need more “you can do it” pep talks. They need understanding. They need someone to say, “You were never broken, you were just unseen.” Your inconsistency doesn’t mean you lack discipline. It means you’ve been operating in survival mode. Your hesitation to invest in yourself isn’t selfishness. It’s social conditioning that taught you everyone else’s needs come first. Your fatigue isn’t laziness. It’s your body asking to be heard, not managed. When we normalise these truths, shame dissolves, and healing begins. The goal isn’t to reinvent yourself. It’s to remember who you’ve always been beneath the noise and the roles. “This isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about remembering who you’ve always been.” Most women don’t just want success, or fitness, or peace. They want to feel like themselves again. She wants mornings that start with energy, not anxiety. She wants to laugh without feeling guilty about her to-do list. She wants to walk into a room and know her presence matters, not because of what she does, but because of who she is. This isn’t about striving, it’s about coming home. Coming home to your body, your truth, and your voice. Coming home to calm instead of chaos, purpose instead of pressure, peace instead of performance. Reclaiming identity in midlife doesn’t require drastic change. It begins with gentle, conscious shifts. Stop pretending everything’s fine. The moment you say, “Something isn’t working,” you create space for change. Your body isn’t betraying you. It’s communicating. Fatigue, hot flushes, sleepless nights, these are messages, not malfunctions. Ask who told you it’s too late. Who decided your value was measured by productivity? Then write a new narrative that honours your experience. For many women, most of their lives, they’ve been the caretaker, the woman who holds everything together. But the next stage of their journey asks something different. It asks you to become the creator of your own life. That doesn’t mean abandoning your responsibilities. It means recognising that your needs matter too. Self-care isn’t indulgent, it’s intelligent. Boundaries aren’t barriers. They’re bridges back to balance. When you start creating rather than caretaking, you rebuild confidence, clarity, and connection. You stop apologising for wanting more. You begin to speak your truth and step into your true self, not for approval, but from authenticity. And when one woman chooses to rise in this way, she doesn’t just change her own world, she becomes living proof that it’s possible for others, too. “Midlife isn’t a crisis, it’s a calling.” If you recognise yourself in these words, know this, you’re not behind. You’re exactly where transformation begins. The uncertainty you feel isn’t a dead end, it’s an open door. The woman you miss, the one who laughed easily, dreamed boldly, and felt alive in her own skin, she hasn’t vanished. She’s waiting. She’s still inside you, patient and ready, holding the light until you’re ready to return. So, take a breath. Slow down. And when you look in the mirror next time, see her looking back, not as a stranger, but as someone you’re finally ready to meet again, because you were never lost. You were just waiting to come home. What causes it? The perfect storm of midlife change for women Midlife is a powerful yet often unsettling season of transition. Many women are caught between endings and beginnings, no longer who they were, not yet who they’re becoming. Common causes include: Hormonal shifts: Perimenopause and menopause bring biological changes that affect mood, energy, and confidence. For resources and evidence-based information on menopause and women’s health, visit   Menopause Matters . Empty nest or family transitions: When children leave home, the identity of “mother” changes dramatically. Career stagnation or shifts: The job that once fulfilled you may now feel repetitive or misaligned with your purpose. Caregiving responsibilities: Ageing parents, partners, or grandchildren can add invisible emotional and physical loads. Body and health changes: Weight fluctuations, fatigue, and brain fog can make you feel like a stranger in your own skin. Societal expectations: Women are often celebrated for doing everything for others but rarely supported in doing something for themselves. For expert advice and support managing emotional wellbeing during life transitions, visit Mind UK: Midlife Mental Health . These combined pressures can lead to exhaustion, confusion, and self-doubt, creating the perfect storm for identity loss. Signs and symptoms: How to know you’re experiencing it Every woman’s journey is unique, but these signs often point to midlife identity loss: Feeling disconnected from your passions or purpose Low motivation, even when things seem “fine” A sense of emptiness or “going through the motions” Frustration with your body or appearance Guilt when prioritising your own needs Constant fatigue or emotional flatness Difficulty making decisions or feeling directionless A quiet longing for “something more,” even if you can’t name it If several of these resonate, it’s not because you’re ungrateful. It’s because you’ve been running on empty for too long. 6 tips to overcome midlife identity loss You don’t need to reinvent yourself overnight. Transformation begins with small, consistent actions that help you reconnect with your energy, confidence, and purpose. These steps are about softening into who you are becoming, not forcing yourself into who you think you “should” be. Here are six ways to begin: 1. Pause the performance For years, you’ve likely been the dependable one, the one who keeps everything together, no matter how tired or overwhelmed you feel. You’ve worn a mask of “I’m fine” for so long that it’s almost automatic. But pretending to be fine only delays your healing. Give yourself permission to stop performing. You don’t have to smile through the exhaustion or hide your frustration behind gratitude. The moment you admit, “Something isn’t working for me anymore,” you begin to reclaim your power. That truth might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s your soul’s way of saying, “I’m ready to be heard.” Honesty is the first act of courage, and it opens the door for change, connection, and self-compassion. 2. Reconnect with your body Your body isn’t the enemy, it’s the messenger. The fatigue, the tension, the foggy mornings, they’re not failures, they’re communication. After years of pushing through pain, skipping meals, and ignoring your own needs, your body is simply asking to be acknowledged. Start small. Notice how you feel when you wake up, when you eat, when you move. Instead of judging your body, begin to listen to it. Stretch slowly. Breathe deeply. Take short walks in nature and feel the ground beneath your feet. Write down how your body feels each day, without criticism, only curiosity. The more you listen, the more you’ll learn what it truly needs, rest, nourishment, stillness, or gentle movement. Reconnecting with your body is how you rebuild trust in yourself. It’s how you return to your natural rhythm, one that honours both your power and your peace. 3. Redefine strength You’ve been taught that strength means pushing through, holding it together, never letting anyone see you struggle. But that version of strength has left you depleted. True strength is softer. It’s the quiet courage to slow down, say no, and ask for help without guilt. There is no weakness in rest. There’s wisdom in knowing when to stop. You are not giving up, you’re recharging. When you rest, your mind clears. When you breathe deeply, your nervous system resets. When you stop proving and start being, you remember what it feels like to be whole. Start redefining strength not as endurance, but as balance. Because sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is stop fighting the current and allow yourself to float for a while. 4. Challenge your story Every belief you carry was shaped by someone, parents, teachers, partners, society. Many of those beliefs were useful once, but they no longer serve the woman you are becoming. Ask yourself, “Whose voice is this?” every time you hear, “It’s too late,” or “I can’t.” Chances are, it’s not yours. You’ve evolved. You’re wiser now. And it’s time to rewrite your story.  Replace self-doubt with statements of truth: “I am not starting over, I’m starting wiser.” “My experience is my greatest asset.” “I’m evolving, not ending.” Your past doesn’t define you, it prepares you. The story you tell yourself determines the life you create next. So, make it honest, make it kind, and most importantly, make it yours. 5. Rediscover joy and purpose Joy often hides under the weight of responsibility. Somewhere between managing everyone else’s needs and surviving the daily routine, your spark dimmed, not gone, just waiting. Ask yourself, “What used to make me lose track of time?” or “What would I do if no one expected anything from me today?” It might be something simple, such as painting, gardening, walking by the sea, reading in silence, or learning a new skill. Or it might be something bold, like starting a new business, writing a book, or mentoring others. Purpose doesn’t have to be grand or public. It can live in the quiet moments that remind you of who you are. When you reconnect with what lights you up, your energy rises, your confidence returns, and life begins to feel meaningful again, not because it’s perfect, but because it’s yours. 6. Surround yourself with support You’ve spent so long being the strong one that asking for support might feel foreign. But connection is not a luxury, it’s a lifeline. Healing happens faster when you’re seen and supported. Find people who lift you, not drain you. Join a women’s circle, wellness retreat, or coaching community that understands what it means to be a woman in transition. Surround yourself with those who remind you that you’re not behind, you’re just becoming. There’s something deeply healing about being in a room full of women who understand. Their stories mirror yours, their laughter softens your shame, and their courage reignites your own. You are not meant to navigate this season alone. Support doesn’t make you weak, it anchors your strength. Final thought: Begin gently Reclaiming yourself in midlife isn’t about rushing into transformation. It’s about remembering your worth. Each small act of self-care, every moment of honesty, every boundary you set is a quiet declaration, “I matter too.” The woman you were has served her purpose. The woman you’re becoming is waiting, calm, clear, confident, and ready to rise. Start your journey today The good news is that identity loss is not permanent. It’s an invitation to rediscover yourself. You haven’t failed, you’ve simply outgrown who you used to be. This next chapter is about honouring your experience, your wisdom, and your worth. This phase of life isn’t a crisis. It’s your calling. A calling to pause, reflect, and step into your next evolution with clarity and confidence. If you’re ready to begin your journey, take one small action today, journal for five minutes, go for a walk without your phone, or simply say out loud, “I’m ready to come home to myself.” Because the woman you’ve been searching for isn’t gone. She’s been waiting patiently, quietly, for you to return. Book your call  with me to start your journey. Follow me on Facebook , Instagram , LinkedIn , and visit my website for more info! Read more from Joanne Pagett Joanne Pagett, Midlife Mentor & Strategist Joanne Pagett is a Women’s Wellness Strategist and Mentor who helps women navigate the emotional, physical, and mental transitions of midlife. As the founder of The Female Energy P.O.W.E.R System™, she empowers women to rediscover their confidence, energy, and sense of purpose. With over 25 years of corporate experience, Joanne also partners with organisations to create supportive and inclusive wellbeing strategies for women in the workplace. Through her coaching, writing, and workshops, she inspires women to transform midlife from a season of uncertainty into one of strength, clarity, and joy.

Written by Toni Stevens, Healer and Energy Coach Toni Stevens is a healer and energy coach, well known for her ability to tune into people's energy and create calm. She is the creator of the Chakra Connection, an online healing and coaching course. Toni educates people about emotional freedom, how to calm and reset the nervous system, and how to build deep connection and trust in oneself. If you are passionate, you can push hard and sacrifice for others. You may be driven by your mission and by your bright inner fire. Your strength of spirit is great, but this fast-paced modern life can be draining on your energy, and it can feel like you’re losing your spark. Find out what you think you need versus what you actually need. Burnout is like a wildfire that started as a sacred flame. It began with a spark, a deep purpose, a bright vision, with a heart full of fire. You lit up every room and gave your warmth to everyone who needed it, and poured yourself into your mission with fierce devotion. But in a modern world that moves too fast and asks too much, the fire dwindles and eventually burns out. That sacred fire was never meant to be a wildfire, raging uncontrollably, consuming your time, your joy, your presence. You’re not meant to burn endlessly for others. You are meant to tend to your flame with care, to return to the hearth of your own heart, and be nourished by the warmth you’ve given so freely. Burnout isn’t failure. It’s your body’s way of asking you to come home to yourself. To rest. Rekindle. Rise again, this time sustained. Burnout truth When you’re burned out, overwhelmed, and disconnected, you might feel like you need to: Quit your job Run away Break up Hide for days Burn it all down But those urges aren’t always the truth. They’re often trauma responses. Your nervous system is screaming for relief, and your body is begging to feel safe. What you actually need is To feel safe in your body again Regulate your nervous system Come back to your energy Rest without guilt To hear your intuition clearly Big decisions become clearer after you feel grounded, nourished, and reconnected to yourself. Otherwise, you’re choosing from collapse, not clarity. A soulful journey to heal your nervous system, restore your energy, and remember the woman you were before the overwhelm is what I can offer you. Book in for a free 45-minute introduction to a therapeutic coaching session here . Follow me on Facebook , Instagram , LinkedIn , and visit my website for more info! Read more from Toni Stevens Toni Stevens, Healer and Energy Coach Toni Stevens is a healer and energy coach, empowering men and women to create calm, confidence, and a deep connection to themselves by healing childhood trauma and releasing social conditioning with an intensive, one-on-one, 8-week healing journey. Toni transformed her own anxious symptoms of physical pain, fatigue, and negative thoughts with her personal program of meditation, mindset, and movement. She helps transform stress, anxiety, and overwhelm into a life of peace and empowerment. Her mission is to raise your consciousness and elevate your vibration.

Written by Remington Steele, Intuitive Breath Practitioner, Emotional Wellness Coach & Philanthropist Remington Steele is an Intuitive Breath Practitioner, Emotional Wellness Coach, and the visionary founder of Breathe With Rem and We Are The Village – Teen Moms. A philanthropist and author of Breathe With Me, Remington’s work is rooted in healing, empowerment, and generational transformation. Most people have no idea where their diaphragm is, let alone how vital it is to every breath, every movement, and every emotion they experience. Hidden beneath the ribs like a silent engine, this powerful dome-shaped muscle is the true core of your body, controlling not just how you breathe, but how you live. It influences posture, circulation, digestion, and even the way your brain perceives stress or safety. If your breath feels shallow, your body tight, or your mind constantly overwhelmed, chances are your diaphragm isn’t functioning at its full potential. And that’s not just a missed opportunity, it’s a message. Understanding the diaphragm is the first step to reclaiming your breath, your nervous system, and your power. Keep reading, you’re about to meet the most important muscle you never knew you had.  The diaphragm’s function The diaphragm is far more than a breathing muscle, it’s a dynamic, rhythmic pump at the center of nearly every essential body function. On each inhale, the diaphragm contracts and flattens downward, creating a vacuum that pulls air into the lungs. But this motion also compresses the abdominal cavity, gently massaging the digestive organs to aid in breaking down food and moving waste through the intestines. As it flattens, the diaphragm presses against the liver, stomach, and spleen, encouraging the release of metabolic waste and toxins. It also plays a key role in lymphatic flow: each breath acts like a full-body squeeze, helping to circulate lymphatic fluids that carry immune cells and flush out cellular debris, something the lymphatic system cannot do on its own without movement, or breath. On the exhale, the diaphragm relaxes and rises back into its dome shape, helping expel carbon dioxide and giving the organs a moment of reprieve and reset. This constant rise-and-fall not only keeps us alive, it maintains the rhythm of detoxification, digestion, circulation, and emotional balance. When we breathe deeply and fully, we activate the diaphragm’s full potential, supporting a cleaner, calmer, and more resilient body from the inside out.  The true “heartbeat” Many people are surprised to learn that the subtle pulsing they feel in the center of their chest or upper abdomen isn’t always their heart, it’s often the diaphragm. This dome-shaped muscle has its own palpable rhythm, especially when you’re deeply connected to your breath. During full, conscious breathing, the diaphragm moves with such precision and consistency that it creates a rhythmic motion, one you can actually feel when you're still. This beat-like sensation is not a pulse of blood, but a wave of movement, rising and falling, pressing and releasing as it contracts and relaxes to pull in air and push it out. It’s the body’s true rhythm-maker, quietly setting tempo beneath the surface of life. Unlike the heart’s automatic drumbeat, the diaphragm’s rhythm responds directly to your awareness, emotion, and environment. When you begin to notice and connect with that inner beat, you’ How the health of our lungs affects our diaphragm The lungs and diaphragm operate in constant partnership, when one suffers, the other must compensate. Healthy lungs are elastic and expansive, allowing the diaphragm to move freely and flatten fully during each inhale. But when the lungs are inflamed, congested, or restricted, due to asthma, shallow breathing, illness, or poor posture, they create resistance that limits diaphragm movement. Over time, this forces the diaphragm to work harder, leading to fatigue, tension, and decreased functionality. A weakened or restricted diaphragm can no longer support optimal digestion, lymphatic flow, or emotional regulation through the vagus nerve.  Shallow breathing caused by poor lung health keeps the body in a chronic stress state, elevating cortisol and decreasing oxygen availability. This not only tightens the diaphragm but also disrupts posture, immune support, and energy levels. Fortunately, the relationship is trainable: improving lung function through nasal breathing, breathwork, and posture expands lung capacity and restores the diaphragm’s rhythm. When both systems are supported, the body breathes deeper, moves better, and feels safer, unlocking more resilience, clarity, and calm with every breath.  It’s all connected Our breath is the invisible thread that weaves through every system in the body, regulating our heart rate, digestion, brain function, immune response, and emotional state. Every inhale and exhale sends signals to the nervous system, shaping how we think, feel, move, and heal. When we breathe with awareness, we tap into the deepest form of alignment, body, mind, and spirit working as one. When we don’t, we silently create havoc to our health.  The diaphragm in music As I shared in my article Breathing for Sports, Music, Health and More ,  the diaphragm is the foundation of breath control across all disciplines—but in music, it becomes the core of sound itself. For vocalists and wind instrumentalists, a responsive diaphragm supports tone, projection, phrasing, and stamina without straining the voice or body. It allows musicians to shape breath like a sculptor shapes clay, fluid, intentional, and expressive. Without proper diaphragm engagement, breath becomes shallow and uncontrolled, weakening performance and risking injury. Training this vital muscle is what transforms air into artistry.  The diaphragm creates your sound Whether you sing, play a wind instrument, or even when we speak, it’s the diaphragm that controls the pressure, flow, and stability of your exhale, which directly shapes the quality and resonance of the sound you produce. A strong, flexible diaphragm allows for sustained notes, dynamic control, emotional expression, and vocal endurance. Without it, the voice becomes strained, breathy, or weak, and tone becomes inconsistent. When you learn to engage and release the diaphragm with intention, you unlock your true voice, not just one that’s heard, but one that resonates  Why you should strengthen your diaphragm during postpartum After childbirth, the core and pelvic floor undergo significant stress, and the diaphragm an essential part of your core system, is often overlooked in recovery. A weakened or underused diaphragm can affect posture, digestion, emotional regulation, and even contribute to pelvic floor dysfunction. Strengthening the diaphragm postpartum helps reestablish intra-abdominal pressure, supports organ repositioning, and restores the breath-body connection that may have been lost during pregnancy and delivery.  To begin, practice gentle diaphragmatic breathing while lying on your back with knees bent focus on expanding the belly, ribs, and lower back with each inhale, and softening the body on the exhale. Use positions like Child’s Pose or Supported Bridge to create space for the diaphragm to move freely. Incorporate slow, intentional breath holds at the top or bottom of the breath to build control and endurance. With consistent practice, your diaphragm becomes a bridge to healing helping you feel more grounded, stronger, and more connected in your body again.  Our diaphragm over the years Like any muscle, the diaphragm changes with age, and how we breathe throughout our life determines whether it strengthens or weakens. In childhood, the diaphragm is typically used effortlessly, with deep belly breaths that support growth and nervous system development. But over time, stress, sedentary lifestyles, poor posture, and shallow breathing habits can restrict its movement. As we age, the diaphragm can become less elastic, less responsive, and even droop from years of underuse, leading to reduced lung capacity, weakened core strength, poor digestion, and chronic fatigue. However, with intentional breathwork and mindful movement, we can restore diaphragm function at any age, improving vitality, emotional balance, and overall quality of life well into later years.  What are the benefits of a strong diaphragm? A strong diaphragm doesn’t just improve breathing, it transforms how your entire body functions. It supports spinal alignment and core stability, reducing back pain and improving posture without effort. It stimulates the vagus nerve, helping regulate mood, digestion, heart rate, and immune response. A strong diaphragm also enhances detoxification by massaging internal organs and improving lymphatic flow, something most people don’t realize simple breathing can do. When the diaphragm is strong and responsive, your body moves with more ease, your mind feels calmer, and your resilience, physically and emotionally, deepens.  10 tips on how to strengthen the diaphragm 1. Practice diaphragmatic (belly) breathing Lie on your back with one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Inhale deeply through your nose, allowing your belly, not your chest, to rise, then exhale slowly. This simple practice retrains your diaphragm to take the lead and strengthens its movement over time. Just 5-10 minutes daily builds awareness and power. 2. Use nasal breathing throughout the day Breathing through your nose naturally encourages diaphragmatic engagement and filters, warms, and humidifies air. It also creates resistance that conditions the lungs and diaphragm to work efficiently. Make nasal breathing your default while walking, working out, and even sleeping to strengthen the diaphragm without needing to work for it. 3. Incorporate breath holds (CO₂ tolerance training) After exhaling gently, hold your breath for a few seconds and build gradually over time. This strengthens the diaphragm’s ability to manage pressure, increases lung efficiency, and improves your nervous system's resilience under stress. Always practice breath holds in a safe, seated position and never while driving or in water. 4. Use resistance breathing tools Tools like breathing masks or resistance trainers add load to the diaphragm, making it work harder just like lifting weights for your lungs. These devices strengthen the inspiratory muscles and improve breath control, especially helpful for athletes, singers, and those recovering from respiratory conditions. 5. Sing or hum regularly Vocal exercises naturally engage the diaphragm, requiring control, coordination, and breath stamina. Singing or humming on a sustained exhale strengthens diaphragmatic tone while also stimulating the vagus nerve, which supports relaxation and emotional regulation. 6. Try balloon breathing exercises Blowing up a balloon with slow, steady exhales engages deep core and diaphragmatic strength. It forces the diaphragm to resist back-pressure while controlling the flow of air, building both power and precision. It's a fun, simple tool with measurable benefits for all ages. Do not try if you are allergic to latex. 7. Add movement: Yoga or pilates Yoga poses like Cobra, Bridge, or Cat-Cow expand the rib cage and invite deep breath, while Pilates activates core control through breath-guided movement. These practices train the diaphragm to work in harmony with posture, core, and mobility. Breath + movement = functional strength. 8. Strengthen posture to support the diaphragm Slouching compresses the diaphragm and restricts its range. Strengthening posture through back, shoulder, and core exercises gives the diaphragm room to move. The better your posture, the more effectively your diaphragm can engage and support full-body health. 9. Use breath cadence with music Breath cadence becomes even more powerful when paired with music. I teach a unique technique that involves inhaling and exhaling to the slow backbeat of any rhythmic track, allowing the body to sync with the breath and the music at the same time. This method not only strengthens the diaphragm but also calms the nervous system and sharpens internal rhythm and focus. Breathing in tempo builds control, deepens awareness, and makes breath training more intuitive and enjoyable. Let the music guide your breath, and watch your endurance expand. 10. Laugh, cough, and sigh intentionally Yes, natural reflexes like laughing, coughing, and sighing powerfully activate the diaphragm. Doing these actions with full breath awareness strengthens its reflexive function. Turn everyday moments into diaphragm training with mindful, full-bodied expression. Why a breath coach can strengthen your diaphragm for professional use Whether you're an athlete chasing peak performance, a musician perfecting your sound, or a health professional seeking to regulate stress and stamina, your diaphragm is the engine behind it all. But like any powerful system, it needs expert guidance to reach its full potential. As an expert breath practitioner with over two decades of experience, I specialize in helping professionals strengthen their diaphragm not just for deeper breathing, but for sharper focus, improved recovery, enhanced sound, and greater control under pressure. My coaching goes beyond technique. I tailor each session to your field, training your breath to work for you in the moments that matter most. Investing in your breath is investing in your performance, and I'm here to help you master both. Connect with me here to start training. Follow me on Facebook , Instagram , LinkedIn , and visit my website for more info! Read more from Remington Steele Remington Steele, Intuitive Breath Practitioner, Emotional Wellness Coach & Philanthropist Remington Steele is an Intuitive Breath Practitioner, Emotional Wellness Coach, and the visionary founder of Breathe With Rem and We Are The Village – Teen Moms. A philanthropist and author of Breathe With Me, Remington’s work is rooted in healing, empowerment, and generational transformation. As a former teen mother herself, she has turned her personal journey into a mission to guide others through intentional breathing, holistic wellness, and community-centered care.

Written by Leoniek van der Maarel, Academie voor Verlies/Grief Training Centre Leoniek van der Maarel is a Dutch psychologist, grief expert, author, and trainer with a clear and powerful mission. "Creating a world where grief is no longer a silent struggle, but a supported path forward." "Should we involve the children?" It's a question I hear so often. Parents, grandparents, and family members all want the same thing, to protect the children. But do we protect children by excluding them? No. We actually isolate them. Let me be clear. Involving children when a parent dies is not a choice. It's a necessity. Not because it's easy, but because it's what's best for the child. What do we mean by involving a child in grief? Involving doesn't mean forcing a child to be present when somebody dies, is euthanised, or to look at a body, or that they absolutely must attend the funeral. It's about something more fundamental, giving the child a place in what's happening. Seeing, hearing, and taking the child seriously in this terrible process. For this article, I will only go into involving the child after somebody has died. In another article, we’ll dive deeper into how to involve a child in the process of dying or euthanasia. Involving means: Honestly explaining what is happening and has happened, in a language the child understands. Giving the child the choice to say goodbye in a way that fits them (with a gentle nudge). Making space for their questions, even when you don't have the answer. Showing that grief is allowed. Including the child in rituals, if they want. It's not about letting the child decide everything, overwhelming them with details, or forcing them to do things they're not ready for. How to talk to children about death First of all, talk. Tell them what happened. Use clear words. Not "daddy fell asleep" or "mommy became a little star." That might sound sweet, but it confuses children enormously. Say, "Daddy is dead. His body doesn't work anymore. He can't breathe anymore, can't move anymore, can't talk anymore." Yes, that hurts to say. But it's the truth. And children have a right to the truth. Then, ask what the child wants. This can be difficult because it all comes down to how you ask. If you ask anxiously, "Do you, uh, want to see, uh, grandma in her coffin?" and your tone of voice is very doubtful, the child will interpret that as, "Oops, that sounds very frightening, better not do that." But if you ask, "Do you want to see the body? To say goodbye to grandma? To see how she lies in the coffin?" that sounds much more relaxed and easy to do. Do they want to go to the funeral? Do they want to put something in the casket? Give them choices, but don't force anything. Prepare them for what to expect. "The funeral home is a little bit dark, candles are burning, people will cry. Daddy is lying in the coffin, wearing his black suit, his eyes closed, but he is still wearing his glasses. Daddy's body feels cold. He doesn't move. He can't hear you, but you can talk to him if you want." Remember, children do not know what they are choosing. They have probably never been in this situation before, so they need their parents or caregivers to lead the way. Let the child do something too. Make a drawing, write a letter, or choose flowers. It gives them a sense of control in a situation where everything feels uncontrollable. Why it’s so important to involve children in the grieving process Otherwise, children are left alone with their grief. They see that the adults around them are sad, but nobody talks about it. They feel that something terrible has happened, but they don't know what. Their imagination runs wild. And believe me, a child's imagination is often much worse than reality. Children who are excluded don't feel protected. They feel lonely. They think they don't matter. Or worse, that it's their fault. Involving gives children the feeling that they belong. That their grief is seen. That they're allowed to feel what they feel. That's the foundation for a healthy grieving process. And most of all, being involved in seeing the deceased person and being present at the funeral helps them see and understand the reality of the passing. Practical ways to involve children in grief Practically speaking, there are different ways. Before death (if there's time): Let the child say goodbye, even if the parent is no longer responsive. Explain what's happening. "Mommy's body stops working more and more." Give the child space to ask questions. Immediately after death: Tell the news as soon as possible, certainly before the child hears it from someone else. Sit with them, hold the child if they want. Feel free to cry together. When viewing the body: Prepare the child for what the situation looks like, what daddy looks like, and how his skin feels. Go with them, stay nearby. Let the child decide how close they want to come. Give the child the time they need. At the funeral: Explain what's going to happen. Assign someone to specifically look after the child (not the grieving parent, they have enough on their plate) in case emotions overwhelm the child. Prepare the child for the crying of many adults (this can be really shocking). Prepare them for the duration of the funeral (to them, it may feel very long). Create an escape route if the child wants to leave. Let the child play a role if they want, such as reading a poem or placing a drawing by the casket. In the time after: Keep talking about the deceased. Make a memory box. Celebrate birthdays and memorial days together. Show photos, tell stories. When things don’t go as planned Sometimes it doesn't go as you'd hoped. A child who doesn't dare to look at the body after all. A child who laughs loudly during the funeral. A child who says weeks later, "I wish I had gone." That's not bad. Really not. Children react differently than adults. They can be sad one moment and play the next. That's their way of surviving. Their brain can't sit in grief continuously. If a child doesn't dare to do something, don't force it. But don't close the door either. You can always visit the grave later, look at photos again, or do another ritual. And if you think afterwards that you handled it wrong, talk about it. "I didn't take you to the funeral then, and now I'm wondering if that was right. What do you think?" Children are more forgiving than we think. Where to find support when involving children You don't have to do this alone. There are people and organizations that can help: The funeral director has experience with children at funerals and can advise. The school teachers can support the child and keep an eye on them. Child bereavement counsellors are specialists who know how to support children. Organizations like local bereavement support groups or children's grief centres. Your family doctor can refer you to an appropriate help source. And of course, specialized training programs where professionals learn to guide children through loss. Don't hesitate to ask for help. This is too big to carry alone. The benefits of involving children in grief The benefits are enormous. Research shows that children who are involved when a parent dies: Can better process what happened. Have less trouble with fears and nightmares. Feel less guilty. Can build a healthier relationship with memories of the deceased. Have more trust in the adults around them. Develop better coping skills for future losses. Feel more connected to their family. Have a clearer understanding of death and grief. When we exclude children, we're not protecting them from pain. We're adding loneliness to their pain. And that's so much worse. Is any child too young to be involved? No. There's no age too young to be involved. Even babies and toddlers sense when something is wrong. They feel the tension, the sadness, and the change in routine. Of course, how you involve a child depends on their age: Babies and toddlers (0-3 years): They won't understand death, but they need routine, physical comfort, and the presence of familiar people. Let them be there, hold them, and talk to them in simple words. Preschoolers (3-6 years): They think concretely and magically. Explain in simple, clear terms. "Daddy's body stopped working." They might ask the same questions over and over. That's normal. Keep answering. School-age children (6-12 years): They can understand that death is permanent, but might still have magical thinking. They want details, want to know how and why. Give honest answers. Let them participate in rituals. Teenagers (12+): They understand death like adults but might struggle with expressing emotions. Give them space but also connection. Let them choose how they want to be involved. The key is to adapt to the child, not to an age category. Every child is unique. 5 practical tips for involving children when a loved one dies Use clear, honest language: Don't say "passed away," "lost," or "sleeping." Say "died" or "dead." It sounds harsh, but it prevents confusion. And confusion makes grief harder. Let the child choose, but guide them: "Do you want to see daddy's body? I can tell you what it will be like first." Give information, give choice, but don't leave them completely alone in the decision. Assign a support person: Make sure there's someone at the funeral or viewing whose only job is to be there for the child. Someone who can leave if the child needs to leave. Someone who can answer questions. Keep talking about the deceased: Don't avoid the name. Don't put away all the photos. Keep the person alive in stories, in memories, and in daily life. "Daddy would have loved this ice cream flavour too." Watch, but don't overinterpret: A child who plays and laughs isn't "over it." A child who doesn't cry isn't "not affected." Children grieve in waves. They dip in and out. That's healthy. Just be there, be available, and be open. In closing Involving children when a loved one has died is hard. We need to do what we are not programmed to do, bring sad things into the lives of children. We think we take away their innocence and make them sad. But in reality, the message we give the child is, "You are important, you matter, and that's why you are involved in this process." In addition, you teach your children that any subject can be talked about, even something as devastating as the death of a loved one. If you need any help, feel free to contact me here . Follow me on Facebook , Instagram , LinkedIn , and visit my website for more info! Read more from Leoniek van der Maarel Leoniek van der Maarel, Academie voor Verlies/Grief Training Centre With over 25 years of experience and a deeply personal connection to her work, Leoniek has become one of the leading voices in the field of loss and transition. Her approach is grounded in the understanding that grief does not always begin with death, and healing is never one-size-fits-all. Her career is defined by one central truth, grief is everywhere. In the aftermath of a death, a divorce, a broken family bond, or a lost dream, it weaves itself through human lives in ways both visible and silent. And yet, society still often asks us to "move on" too quickly, or without the right support. Leoniek’s life's work is to change that.

Written by Abbey Dyer-Amonette, AI Strategist & Business Coach Abbey Dyer-Amonette is an Entrepreneur and Success Strategist. After several traumatic life experiences left her with self-doubt and anger, she found purpose and positivity by creating strategies to develop and maintain a success mindset. She is dedicated to helping others move past blocks and limiting beliefs, to create a life and business that lights them up. Running a business often feels like juggling a dozen roles at once. But what if you could replicate your voice, values, and message to stay consistent without burnout? Abbey Dyer-Amonette introduces the transformative power of Custom GPTs, a heart-centered, feminine approach to AI that helps women lead with clarity, confidence, and authenticity while attracting aligned clients. The challenge of staying consistent as a female entrepreneur The hustle of running a business can feel anything but consistent. You wear all the hats, coach, content creator, marketer, communication specialist, customer service, CEO, CFO, and COO, and try to stay true to your purpose. While passion fuels your mission, burnout is always lurking around the corner, especially when you’re constantly in creation mode. If you’ve ever whispered to yourself, “I just wish I could clone myself,” you’re not alone. And guess what? You kind of can. From creating your digital twin avatar to Custom GPTs, the sky’s the limit in AI. How custom GPTs support aligned, authentic visibility This is where Custom GPTs come in, and no, I don’t mean robots replacing your voice or your values. I mean using AI as a feminine, heart-centered partner in your business, one that helps you with clarity, consistency, and connection, aligning with the message you were born to share. Introduction: clarity + consistency + connection + confidence = clients Here’s the foundation I teach and use with my own clients, clarity + consistency + connection + confidence = clients. This is the framework that supports a sustainable, values-led business because getting more clients isn’t about doing more. It’s about showing up in a way that’s clear, steady, deeply connected, and fully confident. Let’s break it down. Clarity means knowing exactly who you’re talking to and what you offer. Consistency means being visible in a rhythm that is sustainable. Connection means building trust. Confidence means showing up in your message unapologetically and with heart. When those four pieces come together, the result is natural, aligned client attraction. A Custom GPT can support every single part of that process. What is a custom GPT and why does it matter? A Custom GPT is a personalized AI assistant trained to speak in your voice. It can be taught to know your tone, your values, your ideal clients’ pain points, and even your energy because you taught it. You can have one or, like me, a whole army that covers brainstorming content ideas, writing captions and emails, drafting blog posts, and so much more. The best part? It never burns out. You’re still the heart of your brand, and the GPT simply helps you stay anchored, visible, and present. Supporting each pillar of the framework with AI Here’s how it supports the full framework. For clarity, it reflects your offers and voice back to you so you’re never guessing. For consistency, it removes content bottlenecks and supports you in showing up without pressure. For connection, it creates content that feels real because it actually sounds like you. For confidence, it gives you the support and structure to show up with more ease and presence. The result is clients, not because you forced it, but because you created a system that holds you, supports your voice, and allows your message to shine. A feminine approach to AI in business I don’t believe in cold, one-size-fits-all marketing, and I definitely don’t believe in hustle for the sake of it. I believe in empowering women from their core. AI can be warm, intuitive, and aligned. When used with intention, it can help you lead more authentically and grow your business without losing your soul in the process. Let it be simple. Let it be sustainable. Let it be real. Ready to create a custom GPT that sounds like you? That’s my specialty. I help women and women-owned businesses create authentic, heart-led AI tools that support the way they do business with clarity, consistency, connection, and confidence. Want to learn more from Abbey? Follow her on Facebook , Instagram , LinkedIn , or visit her website . Read more from Abbey Dyer-Amonette Abbey Dyer-Amonette, AI Strategist & Business Coach Abbey Dyer-Amonette is an AI Expert & Business Coach. As the CEO and Founder of Lead with Positivity which includes technology companies Global Girl Technology and Tennessee Girl Technology, she is dedicated to helping women live a life full of aligned purpose, freedom & joy. With 25 yrs of Leadership experience with a Fortune 500, she cultivates positive, heart-centered leadership that fosters both professional success and personal balance. She focuses on teaching her Positive Feminine Leadership™ program that guides women to lead with confidence, emotional intelligence, and collaboration, while achieving lasting success in their careers and lives. She recently won the First Place Award for Women in Tech, Science & Engineering from the Women Changing the World organization for her work in AI and Leadership.

Written by Sharon Doyle LeShane, Intuitive Reiki Healer and Transformative Coach Sharon LeShane is the founder of LeShane Synergy and a dynamic Business Coach, Consultant, Transformational Personal Coach, speaker, and writer. Her work bridges professional development and holistic wellness, offering Reiki, Reiki Training, Sound Alchemy, Yoga, and Meditation. Sharon is also the creator of two empowering group coaching experiences, Awaken Your Authentic Self and Sacred Feminine Rising. Grief touches every life, yet how we respond can shape whether it becomes a weight we carry or a path toward healing and growth. In this article, we explore grief as both a natural response to loss and a powerful teacher. By allowing ourselves to feel deeply, honour our emotions, and embrace vulnerability, we open the door to resilience, compassion, and renewal even in the face of life’s greatest challenges. What is grief? Grief is the natural emotional suffering we feel when we perceive that something or someone we love has been lost. The sorrow we feel reflects the depth of our love.   As with all emotions, it’s necessary to feel before we can heal. The more we try to control or suppress our feelings, the heavier they become. What we resist will continue to persist. However, if we allow ourselves to sit with our emotions and accept what we are feeling, we suffer less.   How we process grief will depend on our past experiences, relationships, beliefs, and our ability to regulate our emotions. It is healthy for us to feel and express emotions. Suppressed emotions lead to unhealthy habits that become unconscious patterns, leading to self-sabotage and suffering.   Pain is natural, but suffering is optional. In the Buddhist philosophy, suffering arises from attachment and the need to control. We suffer not because life is painful, but because we resist flowing with life due to our attachment to the outcome.   Healing one layer at a time Grief is unpredictable, as it is not a linear experience. It unfolds in waves as we loop back to feelings and memories that we thought we had already healed and left behind. It’s a spiral with many layers, as we revisit feelings many times but view them from increasingly higher perspectives as we continue to heal and grow.   If a loved one dies suddenly, we are in shock and disbelief. If it’s someone young, this shock intensifies as we often have the perception that they were taken before their time. We may have thoughts of things we wanted to say to them or feel that we should have done more. It is only in acceptance, faith, and trust in a divine unfolding that we find peace.   When a loved one is diagnosed with a debilitating disease, the grieving process begins long before their passing. This type of grief unfolds in stages, deepening as we witness the deterioration of our loved one. While our loved one is physically present and feeling relatively well, there is mourning for the impending gradual loss of who they are. We experience waves of grief as each phase of the decline feels like another loss.   If involved in caregiving, the daily experience of our loved one's decline can lead to burnout and stress. Balancing the practical needs of caring for them and our self-care needs can be challenging. If our loved one is placed in a long-term care facility, we may have the confusing feelings of sadness for having them there, at the same time, feeling a sense of relief that they are safe and getting the care they need.   It’s common to experience conflicting emotions, especially as our loved one nears the end of their suffering and becomes palliative. We may feel relief from the anticipation of their suffering ending, however, sad knowing we will experience another level of loss.   Once our loved one has crossed the veil, grief progresses to a stage where we feel sadness for the loss but are relieved by the end of their suffering. It is at this stage that closure is possible if we allow ourselves to feel and lean into all the accompanying emotions.    Grief comes not only with death, but with change. It may arise from divorce, job loss, a decline in health, or loss of a home. As I write this article, wildfires are burning in several communities in the province of Newfoundland and Labrador. Over 10,000 hectares have burned, and those who lost their homes are grieving. They grieve the loss of their homes but also the loss of memories and their identity. Grieving your home is like grieving a part of yourself. However, loss can open space for resilience, community, and a deeper connection to what truly matters.   Regardless of its form, grief can be a powerful tool of transformation.   Roles we play If grief is not expressed, it’s suppressed. Suppressed grief keeps us in the drama triangle of roles, victim, persecutor, or rescuer.    The victim is helpless and defeated and needs to assign blame to themselves or others. The persecutor is angry and judgmental because they feel they are out of control. The rescuer is self-sabotaging because they consistently prioritize the needs of others before their own.    We can choose to stay in the drama triangle and continue suffering. We often unconsciously stay in suffering because we don’t know who we are without it, or because our beliefs and programming make us think we should feel guilty for being happy. We believe that if we don’t continue to suffer, it would mean we don’t miss whoever, or whatever, we lost. That somehow, we are doing the right thing by suffering.   However, we can choose to reclaim our power. When we transcend the drama triangle, we become empowered conscious co-creators of our experience. We choose accountability, healthy boundaries, and the ability to support others without self-sacrifice.   Becoming conscious creators of our experience, pain, and grief becomes our teacher, inspiring us to live with purpose and pursue what truly matters. The shift is internal and very powerful.   Freedom to choose Transmuting means to change something into a different form or substance in a significant manner. To transmute is not to merely alter its appearance, but to change it at its core.   We can choose to channel the raw energy of pain and grief into healing energy that supports and nourishes. Feeling and integrating grief peels away layers, revealing the truth about who we are. Loss has the potential to open our hearts and be a doorway to rebirth.    In the book, “The Awakened Being”, Marci Lock describes pain as an acronym that represents an invitation to “Pay Attention Inside Now”. We will feel pain as we move through the stages of grief, however, acknowledging and feeling all the feels allows us to transmute it into our power. Pain is not a problem that has to be fixed, it’s an energy to be witnessed and transformed.   Through the lens of alchemy, death is not a destructive force but a transformative one. Death is not the end of life but a change of form.   In the book, “Conversations with God”, Neale Donald Walsh referred to death as the soul’s celebration, referring to it as Continuation Day. Those who have had and shared near-death experiences described similar feelings. Many find this a source of peace.   Society and expectations Grief brings peace one moment and waves of sorrow the next. Flow with the emotions and allow yourself to feel their full depth. We are safe to feel emotions, although many of us have been taught to silence them. Often, this is to make others feel more comfortable because they are not accustomed to feeling or expressing.    Your expression of grief may not meet other people’s approval. One of the most liberating truths in grief and transition is realizing that other people’s opinions do not reflect what is right for your journey.   Others may, intentionally or unintentionally, impose expectations, which project their discomfort with loss. Some feel the need to validate how they handled their grief as being superior to what another did or how you are handling the situation.   Grief does not have a one-size-fits-all, it's very personal, so remember others’ opinions or judgments are not yours to carry. They reflect them and their experiences, not yours.   You don’t have to explain your faith, trust, or the peace you have found. Others may not understand, and that’s okay. Honoring your path and that of others will bring harmony.   There is immense freedom in releasing the need for validation or to explain how you feel or prove your way is the right way. There is no right or wrong, it’s just the way that is right for you.   Sharing pieces of my experience My most recent experience with grief was less than 6 months before publishing this article. My Dad was 83 when he passed after living with Parkinson's for over 11 years. He had spent the last 3 1/2 years of his life in a long-term care facility due to his severely deteriorating condition.    My Dad offered us a lifetime of love, compassion, and lots of laughter. He emanated that even his last week with us. I find comfort in reflecting on and sharing our family memories and humorous stories.    While the pain of watching him deteriorate was intense, it sparked deeper healing, creativity, and growth, and I am more resilient because of it. There is rebirth after death if you allow.   It's been over 40 years since my sister Darlene, at age 11, and her friend, at age 12, lost their lives in a tragic motor vehicle accident. It has taken many years to process that spiral of grief, as I was young when it happened and didn’t have the tools, understanding, or support that I have now.    Darlene’s transition resulted in deep inner healing for me, for which I am forever grateful. I was able to transmute anger into forgiveness. At that time, I felt the healing was complete because it created powerful shifts in my mindset and how I lived my life. However, there was even deeper healing and inner peace as I transmuted forgiveness into understanding. It was the realization and acceptance that we are all doing the best we can with the tools we have and the level of consciousness from which we are operating. There was nothing to forgive. I continue to heal these layers.   “A Course In Miracles” by Dr. Helen Schucman shares that a miracle is not something that occurs outside of us, as we have been led to believe. The real miracle is an internal shift that begins with a willingness to see things differently. A true miracle is not us controlling and changing the world around us, it’s a shift from our limited beliefs and perceptions to a higher, clearer perspective.   We tend to build walls around our hearts to protect ourselves, however, these walls imprison us. In grief, the pain often cuts through and forces us to feel everything we had buried.   In “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson, she states that “Healing is a return to love. Illness and death are often painful lessons in how much we love, but they are lessons nonetheless. Sometimes it takes the knife that emotionally pierces our heart to pierce the walls that lie in front of it.”   Opening our hearts with a willingness to change is transformational. Innate wisdom and clarity offered from a higher perspective will begin in our hearts.   You deserve support When you are grieving, the emotional weight can be overwhelming. Talking to friends is helpful, however, discussing with someone who has experienced and integrated grief is valuable, as they can relate to what you are experiencing.   Many tools and practices can support healthy emotional processing of grief. They include meditation, journaling, somatic practices, energy healing, writing, nature walks, and many more. I describe them in more detail in another Brainz article called, “Is Positivity a Blessing or a Curse?” under the heading, “Healthy strategies for emotional healing”.   You would benefit from someone who can provide a safe, non-judgemental space for you to express your true thoughts and feelings that you may not want to share with your family and close friends for fear of upsetting them or of being judged.   I am so grateful for all who have, and continue to, offer me support and guidance. Although I am a coach, energy healer, and spiritual mentor, I continue to be divinely guided to work with others to support me as I continue my journey of healing and growth. I recognize that if I do not continue my inner healing, it will limit the level of support I am capable of offering others. I have heard many times that we can only take others as far as we’ve gone ourselves.   If you are experiencing the pain of grief, I recommend that you research and find counselors, therapists, coaches, psychologists, or spiritual healers who resonate and feel in alignment with you.   You are worthy of healing and support. You don’t have to face it alone.   Follow me on Facebook , Instagram , LinkedIn , and visit my website for more info! Read more from Sharon Doyle LeShane Sharon Doyle LeShane, Intuitive Reiki Healer and Transformative Coach Sharon LeShane founded LeShane Seaside Vitality, offering Reiki, Reiki training, personal coaching, yoga, women’s circles, meditation and sound alchemy.  She also created the empowering coaching experiences, Awaken Your Authentic Self and Sacred Feminine Rising.  With a background as a Chartered Professional Accountant, business consultant, and instructor, expanding into business coaching and consulting was a natural evolution to meet her clients’ changing needs. This inspired the rebrand to LeShane Synergy.

Written by Nicola Eaton-Taylor, Leadership Therapist Nicola Eaton-Taylor is an executive coach and leadership therapist, fusing HR and Health & Safety expertise with NLP and holistic therapy. She helps businesses enhance servant leadership and communication to optimise employee well-being and performance. If you’ve ever wondered whether your workplace might be toxic, you’re not alone. Many of us endure environments that subtly drain our energy, affect our mental well-being, and ultimately harm our careers. This article offers a deep dive into 15 warning signs that indicate you're working in a toxic workplace and 13 practical ways to protect yourself while staying well. Drawing from personal experiences and lessons learned from coaching clients, I’ll help you recognize the red flags and take action before it's too late. Your health, happiness, and career depend on it, don’t wait until it’s too late to make a change. I hope that you are not in the unfortunate position of experiencing all 15 of these indicators. If you are, I urge you to stop for a moment and evaluate your options. Your health and well-being are the most important things. Without your health, both mental and physical, you cannot sustain employment, and you cannot maintain your lifestyle. It’s as simple and as powerful as that. That means you must take action. Take action to protect yourself so that you can continue to thrive and provide for your standard of living. It can be difficult, no question about that, but what are the consequences if you don’t? Long-term sickness? An incurable stress condition? Job loss? A battering to your self-esteem and credibility? These aren’t valid options, are they? I’ve written from personal experience, drawing on examples provided to me by my coaching clients, colleagues, friends, and family. They are not from a single employment but from long careers in various professions and sectors, all culturally distinct. Celebrating positive intentions I’m writing this on a Sunday evening. I’ve been planning for my week ahead, and suddenly, it came to me how different Sunday evenings now feel. My new career as an NLP coach and leadership trainer has given me a new drive, aligned with my passion to help employees be happy and productive in their workplace. As I write a new course on Emotional Intelligence for Call Centre Staff, I recall when things have not been so joyful. A bleak review of a toxic workplace As I’m relaxing into flow and the words are hitting the page, it occurs to me just how different my Sunday evenings were in the past. Instead of being excited to plan the week ahead, I was filled with a mix of dread, imposter syndrome, and a confused sense of who I was and why this was happening. But in remembering back, I can recall all the toxic work environments I’ve endured. I remember being 19 and working in an insurance call centre, asking myself, “This can’t be my working life until retirement, can it?” I’d just been called into the office to talk to my boss. No notice or preparation. Hung out to dry by my colleague, who had shifted the blame for her mistake onto me. I had to explain myself, but I could tell from his tone that he had already decided what had happened and what he wanted to do about it. My convincing argument had no standing. I recall lecherous hands getting too close for comfort on too many occasions. I jumped to the time when I was working as an HR Manager and an employee who had been through a disciplinary process barged into my office, shouted abusive language, and made physical threats toward me. I’ve had acute and chronic stress, two burnouts, a thyroid blowout, and many emotional breakdowns in the workplace. That may make me sound unstable. I assure you, I am not. I was, however, one of the many individuals who succumbed to a toxic work environment. When you are in one, you may not notice it straight away. It can be like a fog, eluding you, making you believe that you are the problem. You have to work harder to meet expectations because everyone else can manage it. You have to give more of your free time to meet the demands, and you have to take the criticism, the micromanaging, and being ignored just so you can maintain your sense of dignity, just so that you can believe you are doing a good job. You tolerate it because you think you should, because who are you to challenge it? Yes, some jobs are stressful. Yes, there are times when the pressure of a short deadline or an unexpected problem creates excitement. But there’s a difference between this natural, expected, and short-term stress that drives growth and results, and a toxic workplace that erodes your self-esteem, self-worth, and mental and physical health. With each setback, I’ve grown in my personal power, resilience, and ability to stay solid in my own space. 15 red flags of a toxic workplace You have a general anxiety about going to work. Sunday nights are the worst. The dreaded anticipation of getting up in the morning, getting ready, leaving the house, turning up to the workplace, switching your device on, meeting your boss, colleagues, and customers. Your anxiety sinks into the pit of your stomach, your heart rate rises, and the sense of foreboding stays with you until you finally fall asleep. You think it’s your fault and that you’re failing, while everyone else seems to be doing just fine. You are micromanaged. You need to explain everything you are doing to your leaders, repeatedly. You believe you are being watched over your shoulder. Your decisions are scrutinised and interrogated. Your decision-making powers are revoked right after you’ve made an important decision and communicated it to your customer. You are left with an uncomfortable retraction, a loss of integrity, and a deep feeling of frustration. Your autonomy takes a hit, and before you know it, you start to question yourself. Am I able to do this job? Am I good enough? Imposter syndrome takes hold. Your colleagues may feel the same, but you are afraid to ask them. Your workplace has high turnover, where there should normally be longevity. Most people have worked there for less than two years. Very few, probably only the managers, have been there for over ten years. New starters come and go. Your team is always in the Tuckman model of team formation, jumping from Forming to Adjourning without peeking at Performing. Recruitment is delayed, and vacancies remain unfilled far longer than anyone can cope with the additional work demands placed on them. There’s the inevitable quiet quitting, then the actual quitting. Not wanting to work their notice, your colleagues go off sick, or their notice period is curtailed. So their workload automatically becomes yours. Retention rates are not a KPI. You suspect the number is high, but you know the leaders aren’t monitoring the data, so there is no investment in understanding why. Recruitment costs are a massive budget constraint, which means your pay and benefits stagnate. If your colleagues aren’t leaving, they are off sick. The pressure to cover your colleagues’ work on top of your own is exhausting. You just want to do a good job, your own job. All the extra responsibilities are pushing you deeper into anxiety. You can’t thrive or feel well in a toxic environment. You and your colleagues regularly suffer from insomnia, headaches, digestive problems, and frequent viral infections. The blame game is rife. There are backstabbers everywhere. No one owns up to mistakes because they are publicly humiliated and ostracised. They pull others into the blame frame. The blame is pinned on one person, and you have to hope it’s not going to be you. You have action paralysis. You are afraid of the consequences of making a mistake or raising concerns. You are frightened of retribution and of looking foolish. You’ve done it before, and you learned your lesson. So you struggle on, make things up as you go along, and hope for the best. Taking time off for holidays or sickness would mean that someone could find you out. There is no psychological safety. And no one actually knows what that means. The relationship with your leader has broken down. Your trust has diminished based on examples where they have not acted with integrity. You wonder if they know their job or if they got where they did because they sucked up to their boss. Yes-men and yes-women, playing the game. But they have no idea of the impact they are having as they enrol more clients and allocate their files to you. You can’t object. You just have to take it. You remain silent. You have no voice. Unclear vision and values. There’s often no direction of travel, no team cohesion, no communication between teams. When directions are explained, you change tack, you prepare for the new range. But then here comes the U-turn. Misdirections and all-stop notices. You resume what you were previously doing. You feel exhausted, confused, and frustrated, and you think that if you call out the impact, you’ll be met with hostility. Your performance reviews are cancelled. When you do have them, the “bad news sandwich” is the chosen feedback loop, except the slices of bread are either wafer-thin or completely absent. You hardly ever get praised for your diligence, effort, commitment, or quality of work. Instead, there’s a double dose of nitpicking before you are sent on your way with no real development or support plans. There are no boundaries. You work long hours, more than you should. It’s an unwritten expectation that you’ll check your emails out of hours, and you feel guilty if you don’t provide a free on-call service. Meetings are scheduled at the weekend and late into the evening, often at short notice, and you are expected to attend and give your best input, all researched and presented superbly. The pressure is too great, and everyone has short fuses. It’s bringing out the worst in you and your colleagues’ behaviour. Ratty, short-tempered, somewhat explosive. There are tears and tantrums, and meetings with HR. You are not the favourite, but it’s very clear who is. And isn’t it strange how they got the promotion? It’s quite passive-aggressive, there’s always a superficial reason that is never objectively justified. Not enough to raise a grievance, just enough to keep you feeling anxious and silenced. Leadership denial. They promote the idea that the culture is fine. They say, “We’ve always done things like this,” to validate their style. Poor behaviour goes unchallenged and becomes the default. The poor culture spreads like a virus. Your immune system ultimately takes the hit. There’s a leadership style mismatch. There’s a misalignment with norms, expectations, and communication styles. Flexibility of approach is absent. In this modern world, leadership requires adaptability. You all endorse toxic behaviour by ignoring it, not challenging it, and letting other pressures make it less of a priority. So you all stick to what you know, and nothing changes. 13 ways to protect yourself and stay well in that workplace Awareness is curative. Treat this like a data capture exercise, whereby you are independently stepping out of your self-blame mode and looking at the environment objectively. The scores above will indicate your areas of concern. Capture the data. Analyse it. Find solutions. Get perspective: Are you being objective when you look at the situation? Check your behaviour. Do you join in the blame culture? That’s okay. No one is perfect, and you’ve been sucked into the negative culture spiral. But now you can see it clearly. You can start to take accountability, ownership, and responsibility for your work and outcomes, rather than making excuses, blaming others, or using denial as a tactic to keep you safe. Recognise your part within the problem. Misery loves company, and we have a natural negativity bias that needs no excuse for a good moan. We mirror the behaviour of our peers and leaders, giving unconscious permission to lower our standards. But you can act differently now. Take a breath, leave the room, or say something that shows you aren’t joining in with the negative conversation. Learn about your values. Identify what’s important to you and what purpose you are trying to achieve. Is this a career or a job? Are you just there for the money? If so, you can get paid in another job. What’s your intention behind turning up here specifically, day after day? Is your career gaining momentum? When you are clear on your values, take a look at whether they conflict with those of the organisation and its culture. This may help you decide if you want to stay and make a difference or if it’s time to cut your losses. You are not responsible for other people’s behaviour. Read that again. You are not responsible for their well-being, their inspiration, their output, or their attitude. Your locus of control is firmly about you. Therefore, set a good example. If you don’t know what that good example looks like, find someone who models excellent behaviour. If there is someone in the workplace, go and talk to them about their style, influence, and strategies, or choose someone externally. Culture belongs to everyone. You put into it in equal measure that which you take out. If you rise above poor behaviour and call it out in a way you are comfortable with, your colleagues and leaders will adapt to your new persona and respect you for it. If there is a problem with the number of leavers, make suggestions for shared data on retention. Suggest employee voice forums and net promoter questionnaires. Ask for training on emotional intelligence and leadership. Offer 360 feedback if your boss is willing to accept it. Be kind and factual, share examples, and express the impact of their style on your outcomes. Ask for valid feedback and give necessary rebuttal to unfair or inaccurate feedback. Take time to plan your review meeting. Take examples of challenges and what you did well. Consider offering to take the notes of the meeting and send them to your manager afterwards. This indicates that you are serious, committed, and have a balanced view of your achievements and development needs. Own your voice. Building good communication mechanisms relies on building rapport. Find common ground between you, your colleagues, and your boss. This could be shared values and interest in the business, or something related to a personal hobby. Remember that people like people like you. Similarities are easier to connect with. Match their communication preferences to build rapport. Set clear boundaries about your personal space and time. You are not employed on a 24/7 contract. You have a right to a personal life and to enjoy your downtime and holiday leave. Book your holiday in the diary at the start of the year and ensure that you take your full entitlement. Discretionary effort is a real thing. It shows that you are willing to be flexible and give extra when circumstances demand. It shows that you are committed to your role and that you care. Have a clear conversation about what discretionary effort looks like to you, and be clear about what you are willing to offer. Saying no to extended out-of-hours meetings is not a lack of commitment. It’s a commitment to your ability to remain focused and attentive and to maintain your momentum in the long term. Maintain your resilience. Make sure that your work life doesn’t dominate your whole life. Keep your hobbies and social activities going. Remember, you are a human with basic needs of nourishment, rest, sleep, exercise, love, and connection. The antidote to stress is activity and love. Surround yourself with people who love and respect you, and laugh as much as you can. The physiological and neurological benefits are well known. Breathe deeply, and get out into nature to gain perspective and connection. You are a human “being,” not a human “owning.” Take a measure of what really matters to you. Are you striving for material items or status symbols that keep you in a perpetual loop of competition and consumerism? Is that one of the reasons you are staying in this toxic workplace? What would a simpler life look like for you? Leave! Acknowledge your self-worth enough to know that you do not deserve to remain in a toxic work environment. Take additional free or low-cost training courses to boost your confidence and credibility. Invest in a coach who can help you reflect your incredible skills in a well-written CV and provide strong examples for interviews. If you recognise more than five of the symptoms and are starting to feel the strain, if you are a leader and think that your team might have a problem, or if you are a business owner and are curious to know why your staff are always leaving, it might be time to check in with me. I offer an audit of your culture, employee satisfaction, and net promoter score, as well as bespoke leadership and employee training, workplace mediation, and individual coaching for HR, executive leadership, and emerging leaders. I’ve had 30 years in the world of work. I’ve moved jobs, pivoted careers, been promoted, held senior positions, and quit jobs with no plans or places to go. And I’m committed to sharing those learnings with you. My mission is to improve workplace culture so that employees can thrive and businesses can flourish with high-performing and committed employees. Follow me on Facebook , Instagram , LinkedIn , and visit my website  for more info! Read more from Nicola Eaton-Taylor Nicola Eaton-Taylor, Leadership Therapist With qualifications across Executive Leadership Coaching (ILM Level 7), HR Management (CIPD Level 5), and Health & Safety (NEBOSH), she understands the fundamental drivers of a successful, compliant, and engaged workforce. What sets Nicola apart is her deep expertise in NLP, Hypnotherapy, and holistic practices like yoga and breathwork. This powerful combination allows her to help businesses develop servant leaders who can effectively reduce workplace stress and sickness absence by prioritizing the human element. She is a specialist in coaching for HR professionals, empowering them to find inner peace and perform with purpose.

Written by Kate Moody, Somatic Counsellor & Nervous System Guide Kate Moody is a Somatic Counsellor, Nervous System Guide, Human Design Coach, and Yoga Teacher specialising in emotional healing, burnout recovery, and intuitive realignment. Her work bridges therapeutic depth with embodied wisdom to support restorative transformation. Do you ever feel like you’re doing everything "right," yet still feel depleted? Are you constantly supporting others, ticking off your list, showing up with heart, but somehow still running on empty? What if your exhaustion isn’t a flaw or failure, but feedback from your nervous system? 1. When the nervous system and human design meet So many sensitive, heart-led women carry chronic tiredness that doesn’t always come from overwork, it comes from misalignment. Not just doing too much, but doing in ways that override how their system is naturally wired to operate. In Human Design, we each have a unique energetic blueprint. Some of us are here to respond (Generators), some to initiate (Manifestors), some to guide (Projectors), some to reflect (Reflectors), and some to move quickly between roles (Manifesting Generators). But when we live against that blueprint, often out of conditioning or survival patterns, our nervous system enters a low-level state of stress. As Deb Dana reminds us, safety is a felt experience. One of the greatest safety cues we can offer our body is alignment. When we stop performing what we think we "should" be and begin honouring how we’re truly designed to operate, our system begins to settle. Another passion and layer I've added to my own self-discovery and understanding of my burnout patterns, which I now weave into my coaching work, is Human Design. It offered me language and permission to see where I was living out of rhythm with my true energy. It's been a profound bridge between nervous system safety and energetic integrity. 2. Energy leaks: The cost of misalignment Energy leaks aren’t always loud. They can look like: Saying yes when your sacral says no Initiating when you’re designed to wait Pushing through fatigue instead of pausing Working in bursts when you’re wired for cycles These subtle misalignments may not feel dramatic in the moment, but over time they quietly exhaust your system. Many of the women I support aren’t burned out because they’ve done too much, they’re burned out because they’ve spent years doing what’s not theirs to carry. 3. The nervous system response to misalignment When we operate outside of our natural design, our system often responds with: Persistent fatigue Emotional overwhelm or shutdown Anxiety or guilt when resting A sense of being "off" or not quite ourselves The nervous system perceives misalignment as unsafe. Even if what we’re doing appears successful or productive, our body keeps score. Over time, these adaptive patterns can mimic burnout, but the root is energetic misalignment, not just exertion. 4. Repairing the leak: Alignment as medicine Healing isn’t always about doing less. Sometimes it’s about doing differently. Through Human Design and a Polyvagal-informed lens, we begin by identifying: Where you’re living out of alignment with your energy type, strategy, and authority Which nervous system state your body most often returns to (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) How your environment, work rhythms, or relationships either nourish or deplete your system We then begin to co-create gentle safety, offering the system micro-cues that say, You no longer have to perform to belong. When alignment returns, energy restores. 5. Your exhaustion is intelligence When you feel weary despite “doing the work,” pause before judging yourself for not being enough. This tiredness isn’t a flaw to fix, it’s a message from your nervous system. Exhaustion is one of the ways your body speaks truth. It’s how your system says, “Something isn’t matching the rhythm that feels right for me.” You may not be doing too much, you may be doing what isn’t yours to hold. Energetically, emotionally, even relationally, you might be carrying loads that never belonged to you, and your body knows. The fatigue is intelligence, a signal that your system is ready to release what’s not aligned and come home to what is. This is not the path of self-improvement. It’s the path of self-remembrance, a gentle return to your natural pace, to the way your system longs to move, create, respond, and rest. In polyvagal language, this is your body seeking the ventral state: safety, connection, presence. When we listen to exhaustion rather than override it, we allow regulation to find us. We create enough safety inside to let go of striving, proving, and pushing. Let your fatigue be an invitation, not a failing, an invitation to soften back into your own rhythm, to remember what ease feels like in your body, and to honour the wisdom that was never lost, only waiting for you to slow down long enough to hear it. Closing invitation If this resonates, I invite you to explore my Burnout By Design Coaching Program. Burnout Recovery By Design is a soul-aligned, nervous system-grounded program that helps you gently unwind from burnout and return to your natural flow using the blueprint of your Human Design and the wisdom of your body. Because your body has been speaking all along, through exhaustion, sensitivity, and misalignment, asking you to pause, listen, and reconnect. Learn more here . Follow me on Facebook , Instagram , LinkedIn , and visit my website for more info! Read more from Kate Moody Kate Moody, Somatic Counsellor & Nervous System Guide Kate Moody is a Somatic Counsellor, Nervous System Guide, Human Design Coach, and Yoga Teacher with over a decade of experience supporting intuitive, heart-led women. She helps clients uncover the root causes of burnout by identifying where they are out of alignment with their unique Human Design and layering this awareness with nervous system education and embodiment practices. Drawing on her training in counselling, Family Constellations, and yoga philosophy, Kate guides women in restoring union between their body, mind, soul, and spirit. Her approach is both deeply intuitive and therapeutically grounded, creating restorative spaces for healing, clarity, and a return to wholeness. Sources & suggested reading: Dana, Deb. Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory (2021) Porges, Stephen. The Polyvagal Theory Curry Parker, Karen. Understanding Human Design Cornelius, Shayna & Stiles, Dana. Your Human Design (DayLuna) Parkyn, Chetan. Human Design: Discover the Person You Were Born to Be