Why So Many Women Between 45 and 60 Feel Invisible and How to Find Their Way Back
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 23
- 9 min read
Written by Joanne Pagett, Midlife Mentor & Strategist
Joanne Pagett is a Women’s Wellness Strategist and Mentor who empowers women to navigate the emotional, physical, and mental transitions of midlife. She helps them rediscover their energy, identity, and joy, and partners with organisations to create supportive, wellbeing-focused environments for women in the workplace.
Do you ever feel like you don't belong, despite looking like you’ve got it all together? Do you feel like you don't fit in anymore? You're not alone. It’s time to take an honest look at why midlife women feel disconnected, exhausted, and unsure of who they are, and how to gently reclaim identity, confidence, and direction without starting over.
What is it? Understanding midlife identity loss
Between the ages of 45 and 60, many women begin to feel a deep sense of disconnection from their former selves. Life may look stable from the outside, a successful career, family, and a comfortable home, yet inside, something feels off.
This experience is called midlife identity loss, a gradual erosion of self that happens when a woman has spent years living for everyone else’s needs while quietly neglecting her own. It isn’t a crisis or a breakdown. It’s an awakening.
You may no longer feel excited by what once motivated you. Your reflection looks unfamiliar. Your role as a mother, partner, or professional feels less defined. This isn’t failure, it’s your inner voice calling for change, urging you to reconnect with the real you.
We often talk about menopause, hormones, or ageing, but few speak about the identity shift that comes with midlife. Behind the calm competence of women in their forties, fifties, and sixties, there’s a quiet chorus of confusion whispering, “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
This isn’t a weakness. It’s what happens when a lifetime of being everything to everyone leaves no space for yourself.
Somewhere between forty-five and sixty, many women wake one morning with an ache that words can’t quite capture. Life looks stable from the outside. A successful career, grown children, a house that finally stays tidy, and yet something feels missing. You go through the motions, ticking boxes, showing up, smiling. But deep down, a question hums under the surface, “Is this all there is?”
The truth is, this isn’t failure. It’s identity erosion, the slow fading of self that happens when you’ve spent decades caring, providing, and proving. You’ve built a life for everyone else’s needs, but in the process, you’ve quietly vanished from your own.
“You haven’t failed, you’re just exhausted from carrying too much for too long.”
Psychologists describe midlife as a “liminal transition”, the space between what was and what’s next. It’s where everything familiar starts to shift at once. Hormones fluctuate. Children leave home. Parents age. Careers plateau. The body changes shape. When so many pillars move simultaneously, it’s no wonder you feel unstable.
And because society doesn’t prepare women for this internal disorientation, you assume something is wrong with you. But nothing is wrong. You’re simply standing in the gap between identities, no longer who you were, not yet who you’re becoming.
At this stage, women don’t need more “you can do it” pep talks. They need understanding. They need someone to say, “You were never broken, you were just unseen.” Your inconsistency doesn’t mean you lack discipline. It means you’ve been operating in survival mode. Your hesitation to invest in yourself isn’t selfishness. It’s social conditioning that taught you everyone else’s needs come first. Your fatigue isn’t laziness. It’s your body asking to be heard, not managed.
When we normalise these truths, shame dissolves, and healing begins. The goal isn’t to reinvent yourself. It’s to remember who you’ve always been beneath the noise and the roles.
“This isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about remembering who you’ve always been.”
Most women don’t just want success, or fitness, or peace. They want to feel like themselves again. She wants mornings that start with energy, not anxiety. She wants to laugh without feeling guilty about her to-do list. She wants to walk into a room and know her presence matters, not because of what she does, but because of who she is.
This isn’t about striving, it’s about coming home. Coming home to your body, your truth, and your voice. Coming home to calm instead of chaos, purpose instead of pressure, peace instead of performance.
Reclaiming identity in midlife doesn’t require drastic change. It begins with gentle, conscious shifts. Stop pretending everything’s fine. The moment you say, “Something isn’t working,” you create space for change. Your body isn’t betraying you. It’s communicating. Fatigue, hot flushes, sleepless nights, these are messages, not malfunctions.
Ask who told you it’s too late. Who decided your value was measured by productivity? Then write a new narrative that honours your experience.
For many women, most of their lives, they’ve been the caretaker, the woman who holds everything together. But the next stage of their journey asks something different. It asks you to become the creator of your own life. That doesn’t mean abandoning your responsibilities. It means recognising that your needs matter too. Self-care isn’t indulgent, it’s intelligent. Boundaries aren’t barriers. They’re bridges back to balance.
When you start creating rather than caretaking, you rebuild confidence, clarity, and connection. You stop apologising for wanting more. You begin to speak your truth and step into your true self, not for approval, but from authenticity. And when one woman chooses to rise in this way, she doesn’t just change her own world, she becomes living proof that it’s possible for others, too.
“Midlife isn’t a crisis, it’s a calling.”
If you recognise yourself in these words, know this, you’re not behind. You’re exactly where transformation begins. The uncertainty you feel isn’t a dead end, it’s an open door. The woman you miss, the one who laughed easily, dreamed boldly, and felt alive in her own skin, she hasn’t vanished. She’s waiting. She’s still inside you, patient and ready, holding the light until you’re ready to return.
So, take a breath. Slow down. And when you look in the mirror next time, see her looking back, not as a stranger, but as someone you’re finally ready to meet again, because you were never lost. You were just waiting to come home.
What causes it? The perfect storm of midlife change for women
Midlife is a powerful yet often unsettling season of transition. Many women are caught between endings and beginnings, no longer who they were, not yet who they’re becoming.
Common causes include:
Hormonal shifts: Perimenopause and menopause bring biological changes that affect mood, energy, and confidence. For resources and evidence-based information on menopause and women’s health, visit Menopause Matters.
Empty nest or family transitions: When children leave home, the identity of “mother” changes dramatically.
Career stagnation or shifts: The job that once fulfilled you may now feel repetitive or misaligned with your purpose.
Caregiving responsibilities: Ageing parents, partners, or grandchildren can add invisible emotional and physical loads.
Body and health changes: Weight fluctuations, fatigue, and brain fog can make you feel like a stranger in your own skin.
Societal expectations: Women are often celebrated for doing everything for others but rarely supported in doing something for themselves. For expert advice and support managing emotional wellbeing during life transitions, visit Mind UK: Midlife Mental Health.
These combined pressures can lead to exhaustion, confusion, and self-doubt, creating the perfect storm for identity loss.
Signs and symptoms: How to know you’re experiencing it
Every woman’s journey is unique, but these signs often point to midlife identity loss:
Feeling disconnected from your passions or purpose
Low motivation, even when things seem “fine”
A sense of emptiness or “going through the motions”
Frustration with your body or appearance
Guilt when prioritising your own needs
Constant fatigue or emotional flatness
Difficulty making decisions or feeling directionless
A quiet longing for “something more,” even if you can’t name it
If several of these resonate, it’s not because you’re ungrateful. It’s because you’ve been running on empty for too long.
6 tips to overcome midlife identity loss
You don’t need to reinvent yourself overnight. Transformation begins with small, consistent actions that help you reconnect with your energy, confidence, and purpose. These steps are about softening into who you are becoming, not forcing yourself into who you think you “should” be.
Here are six ways to begin:
1. Pause the performance
For years, you’ve likely been the dependable one, the one who keeps everything together, no matter how tired or overwhelmed you feel. You’ve worn a mask of “I’m fine” for so long that it’s almost automatic. But pretending to be fine only delays your healing.
Give yourself permission to stop performing. You don’t have to smile through the exhaustion or hide your frustration behind gratitude. The moment you admit, “Something isn’t working for me anymore,” you begin to reclaim your power.
That truth might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s your soul’s way of saying, “I’m ready to be heard.” Honesty is the first act of courage, and it opens the door for change, connection, and self-compassion.
2. Reconnect with your body
Your body isn’t the enemy, it’s the messenger. The fatigue, the tension, the foggy mornings, they’re not failures, they’re communication. After years of pushing through pain, skipping meals, and ignoring your own needs, your body is simply asking to be acknowledged.
Start small. Notice how you feel when you wake up, when you eat, when you move. Instead of judging your body, begin to listen to it. Stretch slowly. Breathe deeply. Take short walks in nature and feel the ground beneath your feet.
Write down how your body feels each day, without criticism, only curiosity. The more you listen, the more you’ll learn what it truly needs, rest, nourishment, stillness, or gentle movement. Reconnecting with your body is how you rebuild trust in yourself. It’s how you return to your natural rhythm, one that honours both your power and your peace.
3. Redefine strength
You’ve been taught that strength means pushing through, holding it together, never letting anyone see you struggle. But that version of strength has left you depleted. True strength is softer. It’s the quiet courage to slow down, say no, and ask for help without guilt.
There is no weakness in rest. There’s wisdom in knowing when to stop. You are not giving up, you’re recharging. When you rest, your mind clears. When you breathe deeply, your nervous system resets. When you stop proving and start being, you remember what it feels like to be whole.
Start redefining strength not as endurance, but as balance. Because sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is stop fighting the current and allow yourself to float for a while.
4. Challenge your story
Every belief you carry was shaped by someone, parents, teachers, partners, society. Many of those beliefs were useful once, but they no longer serve the woman you are becoming.
Ask yourself, “Whose voice is this?” every time you hear, “It’s too late,” or “I can’t.” Chances are, it’s not yours. You’ve evolved. You’re wiser now. And it’s time to rewrite your story.
Replace self-doubt with statements of truth:
“I am not starting over, I’m starting wiser.”
“My experience is my greatest asset.”
“I’m evolving, not ending.”
Your past doesn’t define you, it prepares you. The story you tell yourself determines the life you create next. So, make it honest, make it kind, and most importantly, make it yours.
5. Rediscover joy and purpose
Joy often hides under the weight of responsibility. Somewhere between managing everyone else’s needs and surviving the daily routine, your spark dimmed, not gone, just waiting.
Ask yourself, “What used to make me lose track of time?” or “What would I do if no one expected anything from me today?” It might be something simple, such as painting, gardening, walking by the sea, reading in silence, or learning a new skill. Or it might be something bold, like starting a new business, writing a book, or mentoring others.
Purpose doesn’t have to be grand or public. It can live in the quiet moments that remind you of who you are. When you reconnect with what lights you up, your energy rises, your confidence returns, and life begins to feel meaningful again, not because it’s perfect, but because it’s yours.
6. Surround yourself with support
You’ve spent so long being the strong one that asking for support might feel foreign. But connection is not a luxury, it’s a lifeline. Healing happens faster when you’re seen and supported.
Find people who lift you, not drain you. Join a women’s circle, wellness retreat, or coaching community that understands what it means to be a woman in transition. Surround yourself with those who remind you that you’re not behind, you’re just becoming.
There’s something deeply healing about being in a room full of women who understand. Their stories mirror yours, their laughter softens your shame, and their courage reignites your own. You are not meant to navigate this season alone. Support doesn’t make you weak, it anchors your strength.
Final thought: Begin gently
Reclaiming yourself in midlife isn’t about rushing into transformation. It’s about remembering your worth. Each small act of self-care, every moment of honesty, every boundary you set is a quiet declaration, “I matter too.”
The woman you were has served her purpose. The woman you’re becoming is waiting, calm, clear, confident, and ready to rise.
Start your journey today
The good news is that identity loss is not permanent. It’s an invitation to rediscover yourself. You haven’t failed, you’ve simply outgrown who you used to be. This next chapter is about honouring your experience, your wisdom, and your worth.
This phase of life isn’t a crisis. It’s your calling. A calling to pause, reflect, and step into your next evolution with clarity and confidence.
If you’re ready to begin your journey, take one small action today, journal for five minutes, go for a walk without your phone, or simply say out loud, “I’m ready to come home to myself.” Because the woman you’ve been searching for isn’t gone. She’s been waiting patiently, quietly, for you to return.
Read more from Joanne Pagett
Joanne Pagett, Midlife Mentor & Strategist
Joanne Pagett is a Women’s Wellness Strategist and Mentor who helps women navigate the emotional, physical, and mental transitions of midlife. As the founder of The Female Energy P.O.W.E.R System™, she empowers women to rediscover their confidence, energy, and sense of purpose. With over 25 years of corporate experience, Joanne also partners with organisations to create supportive and inclusive wellbeing strategies for women in the workplace. Through her coaching, writing, and workshops, she inspires women to transform midlife from a season of uncertainty into one of strength, clarity, and joy.
