Why Children Need to Be Involved When a Loved One Has Died
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 23
- 8 min read
Leoniek van der Maarel is a Dutch psychologist, grief expert, author, and trainer with a clear and powerful mission. "Creating a world where grief is no longer a silent struggle, but a supported path forward."
"Should we involve the children?" It's a question I hear so often. Parents, grandparents, and family members all want the same thing, to protect the children. But do we protect children by excluding them? No. We actually isolate them.
Let me be clear. Involving children when a parent dies is not a choice. It's a necessity. Not because it's easy, but because it's what's best for the child.
What do we mean by involving a child in grief?
Involving doesn't mean forcing a child to be present when somebody dies, is euthanised, or to look at a body, or that they absolutely must attend the funeral. It's about something more fundamental, giving the child a place in what's happening. Seeing, hearing, and taking the child seriously in this terrible process.
For this article, I will only go into involving the child after somebody has died. In another article, we’ll dive deeper into how to involve a child in the process of dying or euthanasia.
Involving means:
Honestly explaining what is happening and has happened, in a language the child understands.
Giving the child the choice to say goodbye in a way that fits them (with a gentle nudge).
Making space for their questions, even when you don't have the answer.
Showing that grief is allowed.
Including the child in rituals, if they want.
It's not about letting the child decide everything, overwhelming them with details, or forcing them to do things they're not ready for.
How to talk to children about death
First of all, talk. Tell them what happened. Use clear words. Not "daddy fell asleep" or "mommy became a little star." That might sound sweet, but it confuses children enormously. Say, "Daddy is dead. His body doesn't work anymore. He can't breathe anymore, can't move anymore, can't talk anymore."
Yes, that hurts to say. But it's the truth. And children have a right to the truth. Then, ask what the child wants. This can be difficult because it all comes down to how you ask. If you ask anxiously, "Do you, uh, want to see, uh, grandma in her coffin?" and your tone of voice is very doubtful, the child will interpret that as, "Oops, that sounds very frightening, better not do that." But if you ask, "Do you want to see the body? To say goodbye to grandma? To see how she lies in the coffin?" that sounds much more relaxed and easy to do.
Do they want to go to the funeral? Do they want to put something in the casket? Give them choices, but don't force anything. Prepare them for what to expect.
"The funeral home is a little bit dark, candles are burning, people will cry. Daddy is lying in the coffin, wearing his black suit, his eyes closed, but he is still wearing his glasses. Daddy's body feels cold. He doesn't move. He can't hear you, but you can talk to him if you want."
Remember, children do not know what they are choosing. They have probably never been in this situation before, so they need their parents or caregivers to lead the way.
Let the child do something too. Make a drawing, write a letter, or choose flowers. It gives them a sense of control in a situation where everything feels uncontrollable.
Why it’s so important to involve children in the grieving process
Otherwise, children are left alone with their grief. They see that the adults around them are sad, but nobody talks about it. They feel that something terrible has happened, but they don't know what. Their imagination runs wild. And believe me, a child's imagination is often much worse than reality.
Children who are excluded don't feel protected. They feel lonely. They think they don't matter. Or worse, that it's their fault.
Involving gives children the feeling that they belong. That their grief is seen. That they're allowed to feel what they feel. That's the foundation for a healthy grieving process.
And most of all, being involved in seeing the deceased person and being present at the funeral helps them see and understand the reality of the passing.
Practical ways to involve children in grief
Practically speaking, there are different ways.
Before death (if there's time):
Let the child say goodbye, even if the parent is no longer responsive.
Explain what's happening. "Mommy's body stops working more and more."
Give the child space to ask questions.
Immediately after death:
Tell the news as soon as possible, certainly before the child hears it from someone else.
Sit with them, hold the child if they want.
Feel free to cry together.
When viewing the body:
Prepare the child for what the situation looks like, what daddy looks like, and how his skin feels.
Go with them, stay nearby.
Let the child decide how close they want to come.
Give the child the time they need.
At the funeral:
Explain what's going to happen.
Assign someone to specifically look after the child (not the grieving parent, they have enough on their plate) in case emotions overwhelm the child.
Prepare the child for the crying of many adults (this can be really shocking).
Prepare them for the duration of the funeral (to them, it may feel very long).
Create an escape route if the child wants to leave.
Let the child play a role if they want, such as reading a poem or placing a drawing by the casket.
In the time after:
Keep talking about the deceased.
Make a memory box.
Celebrate birthdays and memorial days together.
Show photos, tell stories.
When things don’t go as planned
Sometimes it doesn't go as you'd hoped. A child who doesn't dare to look at the body after all. A child who laughs loudly during the funeral. A child who says weeks later, "I wish I had gone."
That's not bad. Really not. Children react differently than adults. They can be sad one moment and play the next. That's their way of surviving. Their brain can't sit in grief continuously.
If a child doesn't dare to do something, don't force it. But don't close the door either. You can always visit the grave later, look at photos again, or do another ritual.
And if you think afterwards that you handled it wrong, talk about it. "I didn't take you to the funeral then, and now I'm wondering if that was right. What do you think?" Children are more forgiving than we think.
Where to find support when involving children
You don't have to do this alone. There are people and organizations that can help:
The funeral director has experience with children at funerals and can advise.
The school teachers can support the child and keep an eye on them.
Child bereavement counsellors are specialists who know how to support children.
Organizations like local bereavement support groups or children's grief centres.
Your family doctor can refer you to an appropriate help source.
And of course, specialized training programs where professionals learn to guide children through loss.
Don't hesitate to ask for help. This is too big to carry alone.
The benefits of involving children in grief
The benefits are enormous. Research shows that children who are involved when a parent dies:
Can better process what happened.
Have less trouble with fears and nightmares.
Feel less guilty.
Can build a healthier relationship with memories of the deceased.
Have more trust in the adults around them.
Develop better coping skills for future losses.
Feel more connected to their family.
Have a clearer understanding of death and grief.
When we exclude children, we're not protecting them from pain. We're adding loneliness to their pain. And that's so much worse.
Is any child too young to be involved?
No. There's no age too young to be involved. Even babies and toddlers sense when something is wrong. They feel the tension, the sadness, and the change in routine.
Of course, how you involve a child depends on their age:
Babies and toddlers (0-3 years): They won't understand death, but they need routine, physical comfort, and the presence of familiar people. Let them be there, hold them, and talk to them in simple words.
Preschoolers (3-6 years): They think concretely and magically. Explain in simple, clear terms. "Daddy's body stopped working." They might ask the same questions over and over. That's normal. Keep answering.
School-age children (6-12 years): They can understand that death is permanent, but might still have magical thinking. They want details, want to know how and why. Give honest answers. Let them participate in rituals.
Teenagers (12+): They understand death like adults but might struggle with expressing emotions. Give them space but also connection. Let them choose how they want to be involved.
The key is to adapt to the child, not to an age category. Every child is unique.
5 practical tips for involving children when a loved one dies
Use clear, honest language: Don't say "passed away," "lost," or "sleeping." Say "died" or "dead." It sounds harsh, but it prevents confusion. And confusion makes grief harder.
Let the child choose, but guide them: "Do you want to see daddy's body? I can tell you what it will be like first." Give information, give choice, but don't leave them completely alone in the decision.
Assign a support person: Make sure there's someone at the funeral or viewing whose only job is to be there for the child. Someone who can leave if the child needs to leave. Someone who can answer questions.
Keep talking about the deceased: Don't avoid the name. Don't put away all the photos. Keep the person alive in stories, in memories, and in daily life. "Daddy would have loved this ice cream flavour too."
Watch, but don't overinterpret: A child who plays and laughs isn't "over it." A child who doesn't cry isn't "not affected." Children grieve in waves. They dip in and out. That's healthy. Just be there, be available, and be open.
In closing
Involving children when a loved one has died is hard. We need to do what we are not programmed to do, bring sad things into the lives of children. We think we take away their innocence and make them sad. But in reality, the message we give the child is, "You are important, you matter, and that's why you are involved in this process."
In addition, you teach your children that any subject can be talked about, even something as devastating as the death of a loved one. If you need any help, feel free to contact me here.
Read more from Leoniek van der Maarel
Leoniek van der Maarel, Academie voor Verlies/Grief Training Centre
With over 25 years of experience and a deeply personal connection to her work, Leoniek has become one of the leading voices in the field of loss and transition. Her approach is grounded in the understanding that grief does not always begin with death, and healing is never one-size-fits-all. Her career is defined by one central truth, grief is everywhere. In the aftermath of a death, a divorce, a broken family bond, or a lost dream, it weaves itself through human lives in ways both visible and silent. And yet, society still often asks us to "move on" too quickly, or without the right support. Leoniek’s life's work is to change that.
