Why Women Become Anxious and Men Become Avoidant Yet Carry the Same Wound
I’m Chiara Esposito, Master of Science in Psychology & Management, coach, and systemic-relational therapy trainee. I help women reconnect with themselves and build fulfilling relationships by addressing emotional patterns that lead to stress and unhealthy choices.
Not long ago, I published a social media post with a simple sentence: “I have body hair. I have a soft belly. I haven’t worn makeup in two years. And I love myself anyway.” The post went viral. Over 200,000 views. More than 190 comments. But what fascinated me wasn’t the numbers; it was the reactions.
Many of the harshest comments came from other women.
Women saying things like:
“If you really loved yourself, you’d take care of your appearance.”
“Not shaving is unhygienic.”
“Not wearing makeup is just laziness.”
So, I decided to turn this experience into a podcast episode (Mente Chiara Podcast), and now, into this article.
Because what I saw wasn’t about hair.
It was about attachment.
It was about how we learn to love ourselves by becoming what others expect.
And how, depending on our gender and cultural conditioning, we learn different survival strategies.
The wound underneath: “I am not lovable as I am.”
Attachment theory tells us that our early relationships shape how we seek love and safety.
But attachment is not just psychological; it’s cultural.
Girls are often rewarded for being pleasing, kind, and compliant.
Boys are rewarded for being strong, independent, and emotionally distant.
We all carry the same wound:
“I need to be different to be loved.
”But we express it differently.
Women often develop anxious attachment.
They try harder, become hyperaware of others’ needs, over-function in relationships, and seek reassurance.
Men often develop avoidant attachment.
They shut down, withdraw emotionally, and confuse love with the loss of freedom.
It’s not in our DNA. It’s in our conditioning
This pattern isn’t “natural.”
It’s the result of centuries of messaging, narratives, and expectations.
We tell women: Be beautiful. Be nice. Be desirable.
We tell men: Don’t feel too much. Don’t rely on anyone. Stay in control.
And then we wonder why women over-function and men disconnect.
Why women beg for closeness and men avoid intimacy.
Why women are anxious, and men are avoidant.
But here’s the truth:
They both long for love.
They both fear rejection.
They both carry shame.
Same wound. Different strategies.
What we attack in others often mirrors the wound we’ve denied in ourselves
When I posted that viral message, I wasn’t expecting to be attacked for simply suggesting that a woman can be beautiful and hairy, feminine and imperfect, loving herself without complying.
But that freedom triggered something.
Because when someone else embodies the self-acceptance we haven’t yet claimed, it hurts.
So, we project. We attack. We judge.
It’s not about the other person. It’s about the permission we haven’t given ourselves.
What we can do now
We can unlearn the story.
We can choose awareness over automaticity.
We can stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking, “Where did I learn I wasn’t enough?”
That’s the work of healing attachment, not just for ourselves, but for the generations that come next.
Because true love doesn’t start in romantic relationships.
It starts in the relationship we have with ourselves.
With our wounds. With our softness. With our humanity.
And no, this isn’t about shaving.
It’s about choosing freedom.
Read more from Chiara Esposito
Chiara Esposito, Coach, Systemic Therapist in Training
I help women reconnect with themselves and overcome emotional patterns. These patterns often lead to unhealthy relationship choices and stress. My coaching approach empowers women to build authentic, fulfilling relationships. Together, we work to create more confidence and balance in their lives.
