Why So Many Settle for Mediocre Sex and What to Do About It
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 30
- 6 min read
Charon Normand Widmer, LMSW, is a licensed psychotherapist, somatic sex therapist, and trauma specialist. She specializes in working with individuals and couples seeking support navigating erotic, gender and sexual identity challenges; queer and alternative relationships, and trauma, utilizing a strengths-based, psychodynamic, compassion-based approach. Many seek therapy to feel better; working with Charon entails learning how to get better at feeling.
There is a sentiment that echoes in therapy sessions, intimate conversations, and those rare moments of vulnerability when someone finally voices their inner struggle: You are not alone in this. Many others share your experience.
"It's fine, I guess."
"It's not terrible, it's just not great."
"Maybe this is just what happens after a while?"
These statements are not isolated complaints. They are subtle signals indicative of a widespread experience that many people share but seldom discuss: a gradual acceptance of sexual mediocrity.
This quiet disappointment is more common than most people are willing to admit. When these feelings are present, it's not always about dysfunction; it's often about disconnection, not from a partner, but from self, from desire, from aliveness.
This conversation is not about blame, nor is it about dramatic dissatisfaction. Mediocre sex doesn't always mean something is wrong. Often, it means something has been forgotten, lost in routine, disconnected from depth, and missing the vitality that makes intimacy feel alive.
Once you have experienced sex that feels present, nourishing, and electric, you cannot unlearn what is possible. You realize that "just fine" is often code for not fully here, not fully felt, not met.
So, why do so many people end up settling?
Here are some of the deeper patterns I see in my work
1. We have been conditioned to disconnect from desire
Our upbringing, particularly for women, often instilled a sense of shame around our sexuality. We were not encouraged to embrace our desires with respect or curiosity. Instead, we were taught to suppress, sanitize, or compartmentalize them. This societal conditioning has led to a disconnect between our physical, mental, and spiritual selves, causing us to ignore our true desires and merely go through the motions. As a result, we've lost the rawness and vitality that makes sexuality vibrant.
2. Shame silences us
Even in long-term relationships, people often struggle to articulate what they truly want. Shame tells us we're asking for too much or that wanting more makes us ungrateful. Shame isn't always loud; it often lives just beneath the surface.
It might whisper:
"Don't ask for too much."
"That fantasy isn't normal."
"You'll make your partner uncomfortable."
And so we censor ourselves. Not because we want to, but because we've learned to associate erotic honesty with rejection or risk.
3. Curiosity gets lost
Sex can become a pattern instead of a practice. Without curiosity, desire flattens. The relationship becomes efficient but not exciting, functional but not intimate.
Genuine erotic connection requires us to keep discovering each other, not just physically but emotionally and energetically.
4. Fear of vulnerability
Sex is not just a physical act. It's also about emotional, energetic, and spiritual connection.
To open in intimacy means being seen, and that can feel terrifying, especially if we're still wearing masks or holding old wounds. Instead of deep connection, we fall into performance. We do what's expected instead of what's real. To open fully in intimacy means letting ourselves be seen, not just our bodies, but our truth.
We change over time: our bodies evolve, our desires shift, and our sense of self deepens. But many of us shy away from revealing who we're becoming out of fear we won't be accepted, wanted, or understood. Sometimes, this is very real; in some way or another, our ever-evolving sense of self may have been dismissed or feel unwelcome by our partner. Instead of sharing what's real, we hide behind old roles, old scripts, and old versions of ourselves.
We perform instead of connecting.
We follow routine instead of risking being vulnerable.
We do what's expected of us because it feels safer than being present and authentic.
5. Energetic mismatch
Sometimes, the chemistry just isn't there, or it once was, and something shifted.
Not every relationship maintains erotic resonance. While change is normal, many people stay in situations that no longer reflect their truth. They prioritize stability, even when their body is quietly grieving the loss of connection.
6. Choosing stability over aliveness
We've internalized the message that calm, conflict-free relationships are the goal, even if they lack passion. For some, the fear of disrupting a relationship outweighs the desire to revive it. But in doing so, they trade fire for comfort. Over time, peace without connection isn't intimacy. It's cohabitation; you feel the slow erosion of vitality.
7. We were never given a map
Most of us weren't taught what meaningful, embodied, heart-connected sexuality looks like.
We saw performance, power dynamics, and disconnection.
But sex as a space for deep presence, mutual exploration, emotional honesty, and spiritual intimacy? This is rarely modeled in social narratives. As a result, many people often do not know what they are missing.
So, where do we go from here?
The real work is not about trying to "fix" your sex life. It is about reconnecting with the part of you that knows how to feel. That part did not disappear; it just got buried under conditioning, pressure, fear, or fatigue.
You don't need a new technique.
You need a deeper relationship with your own body.
Because when you start paying attention to your sensations, your breath, your emotions, everything starts to shift. You begin to want again, to feel again, to respond instead of perform.
This is not about chasing desire.
It's about creating the conditions where desire naturally returns.
It's not about going back to how it used to be.
It's about becoming more honest, more attuned, more alive right here, right now.
You are not broken
If any of this resonates, know you are not alone. You are not broken. You're not behind. And you're not asking for too much. You are worthy of a fulfilling and intimate connection. You deserve to feel alive and connected.
You're just remembering what your body already knows:
That sex can be sacred. That pleasure is a birthright.
That intimacy is meant to be felt, not faked.
And yes, it's possible to feel all of that again. Change is not only possible; it's within reach. There is hope for a more fulfilling and intimate connection.
But it starts with you.
What to do about it: Real steps toward erotic aliveness
We have established that we are not blaming your partner, learning a new bedroom trick, or "fixing" yourself.
This is about coming home to your body, your truth, and your capacity to feel again.
Desire doesn't need to be forced. It needs space, safety, time, and curiosity.
Start with breath, with slowing down. Ask honest questions of yourself and of each other, because what we often call "mediocre sex" isn't just about technique or frequency.
It's about disconnection.
And the good news? Disconnection isn't permanent. With presence, we can find our way back.
Back to pleasure.
Back to intimacy.
Back to ourselves.
1. Reconnect with sensation
Start small: breath, sound, movement, or self-touch without performance. The goal isn't orgasm; it's awareness. Pleasure lives in presence.
2. Ask honest questions
What kind of touch do you crave? What does your body want more of? Less of? What would you explore if shame were not involved?
3. Have the conversation
Initiate a dialogue with your partner, not to assign blame, but to increase understanding. Start with: "I've been feeling a disconnect during our intimate moments. Can we explore this together?" You don't need all the answers to start the conversation.
4. Create space for eros to return
Desire can't bloom in burnout, resentment, or overwhelm. Protect time and energy for intimacy. That might mean turning off the TV, saying no to one more obligation, or getting support.
5. Get support that goes beyond technique
You don't need another book or podcast. You need integration, guidance that helps you reconnect emotionally, energetically, and relationally. That's where transformation happens.
You deserve more than "just fine" sex
If you've been yearning for depth, pleasure, connection, or to feel something again, this is your chance to move beyond "just fine."
My work is where women, couples, and seekers return to the sacred ground of their erotic nature. Through body-based coaching, trauma-informed therapy, and real-world intimacy tools, I help you rewrite your story of sex, not as a performance but as a presence.
Ready to reclaim your eros?
Here's how we begin:
Visit here to take the next step.
You don't have to settle for numbness.
You don't have to figure it out alone.
And you were never meant to live disconnected from your fire.
Let's remember what's possible. Together.
Charon Normand-Widmer, Sex Therapist, Relationship Coach
Charon Normand Widmer, LMSW, is a licensed psychotherapist, somatic sex therapist, and trauma specialist. She specializes in working with individuals and couples seeking support navigating erotic, gender and sexual identity challenges; queer and alternative relationships, and trauma, utilizing a strengths-based, psychodynamic, compassion-based approach. Many seek therapy to feel better; working with Charon entails learning how to get better at feeling.
