Why Self-Compassion Is the New Self-Esteem
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 18
- 4 min read
Dr. Anna M L Smith is a UK-based doctor who offers a holistic lifestyle and mind-body approach, caring for patients with chronic pain and medically unexplained symptoms. She is the founder of Health and Wellness GP in Oxfordshire.
Did you know that the latest findings in psychology suggest that the new self-esteem is actually self-compassion? Dr. Kristin Neff (see Self-Compassion, 2015) has helped to reframe the conversation around how we relate to ourselves, especially when life is hard.
In years gone by, the message was to boost our self-esteem to feel better and succeed in life. While that may have helped in some ways, we are now understanding that the idea of self-esteem has some serious pitfalls. What happens when things don’t go our way or when we are struggling emotionally? Thankfully, a kinder, more effective approach is available, and it’s called self-compassion.
The problem with self-esteem
For decades, we were told that feeling good about ourselves, having "high self-esteem", was the key to confidence and success. But there was a catch.
To have self-esteem, we were encouraged to believe we had to be above average, at work, in relationships, in looks, parenting, fitness, creativity, everything. But here’s the paradox: not everyone can be above average at everything, all the time.
So, what happens when we don’t measure up? When we fail, falter, fall ill, or face something that brings us to our knees? Our self-esteem often crashes. And with it comes a wave of self-doubt, criticism, and shame.
The truth is, if our self-worth depends on constant success, achievement, or external validation, then it becomes fragile and conditional. It's great when things are going well, but it disappears the moment life gets hard.
Self-compassion: A more resilient foundation
Self-compassion offers something radically different. Rather than needing to feel “special” or superior, self-compassion invites us to treat ourselves with kindness, especially in moments of difficulty, failure, or suffering.
Instead of saying, “I’m okay because I’m doing well,” we say, “I’m okay, even though I’m struggling.”
That’s the shift.
Self-compassion means showing ourselves the same care and support we’d offer a good friend. It allows us to respond to our inner pain and emotions with gentleness rather than judgment. And surprisingly, research shows this approach not only builds emotional resilience but also supports motivation and healthy growth.
Beyond the good and bad: Embracing all of ourselves
One of the most powerful aspects of self-compassion is that it includes all parts of us: the capable and the struggling, the healed and the hurting.
It’s about saying yes to the whole of our human experience, without needing to fix, suppress, or reject uncomfortable emotions or feelings.
When we practice self-compassion, we stop fighting ourselves. We start to create space for healing, acceptance, and even transformation. Over time, our sense of self-worth becomes more stable, less like a rollercoaster and more like solid ground.
Radical acceptance: The path to true value
What if our true value doesn't have to be earned? What if it's not based on how well we perform, how we look, or how much we achieve?
Consider this: our worth as human beings is not something we have to prove. It’s intrinsic. It’s already there.
True self-compassion invites a radical acceptance of who we are, including our imperfections, limitations, and wounds. It asks us to stop striving to be “good enough” and instead to realize that we already are.
This kind of acceptance is not passive. It doesn’t mean we stop growing or caring. It means we grow from a place of kindness, not pressure; from curiosity, not criticism.
Practicing self-compassion in daily life
You don’t need hours of free time or a meditation cushion to start practicing self-compassion. It can be simple and immediate. Here are a few easy ways to begin:
1. Notice your inner voice
How do you speak to yourself when you’re having a hard time? Would you say the same thing to someone you love? If not, gently shift your tone to something kinder and more supportive.
2. Acknowledge the difficulty
Instead of pushing pain away or pretending everything’s fine, try saying: “This is a hard moment. Many people feel this way. I’m not alone.” This connects you with common humanity and helps soften the sense of isolation.
3. Offer yourself a gesture of care
Place a hand on your heart or take a few deep breaths while quietly reminding yourself: “I’m here for myself.” These small acts can help your nervous system feel safe and soothed.
The deepest acceptance
At the deepest level, self-compassion points us to a profound truth: we don’t have to become someone else to be worthy. We already have intrinsic value, just by being human.
When we pause long enough to be present with ourselves, we may sense that this acceptance is already here. It doesn’t have to be created. It’s built into awareness itself.
As we grow in self-compassion, we discover a quieter, more trustworthy kind of self-esteem, one that can’t be taken away by success or failure. One that holds steady in the face of life’s ups and downs.
Final thoughts
Self-compassion isn’t about letting ourselves off the hook. It’s about getting off the hook of constant self-judgment. It’s a practice that builds emotional resilience, real confidence, and a more stable sense of self-worth.
So, next time you find yourself falling short or feeling low, try this:
Take a breath.
Speak kindly to yourself.
Remember that you’re human.
And know that being human is enough.
Read more from Dr. Anna M L Smith
Dr. Anna M L Smith, Holistic Mind-Body Doctor
Dr. Anna M L Smith is a UK-based doctor who offers a holistic approach to healthcare, which reflects her understanding of the mind-body connection and how lifestyle factors affect our mental and physical well-being.
She is the founder of Health and Wellness GP in Oxfordshire.
Her mission: To enable people to make small daily changes to benefit their mental and physical health.
