Why Cutting People Out May Not Be the Best Advice – A Mental Health Perspective
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 22
- 6 min read
Written by Brian R Basham, Counsellor
Brian is a mental health counsellor who brings with him decades of lived experience and academic study to the profession of counselling. He has lived with a brain injury for over 30 years and has developed various strategies to live a full life. His focus is on men's mental health and employment mental health.
In today’s fast-paced, often polarized world, social media and other platforms are flooded with advice about how to protect your mental health. Some of this advice is good, but not all of it is grounded in professional mental health principles. One piece of advice that I’ve noticed being circulated quite frequently is the notion of “cutting people out of your life” in order to protect your well-being. This advice, often shared by influencers or individuals presenting themselves as mental health experts, may sound appealing at first, especially when you're dealing with people who are toxic, unsupportive, or emotionally draining. However, as a professional counselor, I have serious concerns about the broad application of this advice.
In this column, I want to discuss why this advice might not always be helpful, why it’s essential to approach these situations with caution, and why a more nuanced approach could be more beneficial to your mental health in the long run.
1. The importance of autonomy in decision-making
One of the core principles of good therapy is empowerment. A therapist’s job is not to tell you what to do but to help guide you in making informed, thoughtful decisions about your life. This includes decisions about your relationships. When a therapist tells a client to “cut people out of your life,” it undermines the client’s autonomy, the very thing that therapy is supposed to strengthen.
As a counselor, I believe it is critical to support clients in exploring their feelings, understanding their relationship dynamics, and identifying what boundaries might be necessary. Ultimately, the decision should lie with the client. No therapist should make a blanket statement like, “You need to cut this person out of your life.” Every relationship is unique, and what works for one person might not work for another. While it’s true that some relationships are toxic or unhealthy, it is ultimately up to the individual to decide whether they want to end that relationship, set boundaries, or work through the issues.
I’ve had clients ask me directly, “Should I cut this person out of my life?” My answer is always the same, "I cannot tell you what to do, but I can help you explore your feelings, what’s going on, and what options you might have. The final choice is yours."
2. Are therapists projecting their own issues onto clients?
When therapists give advice like “cut people out of your life,” it’s important to ask why they are offering such strong recommendations. Are they offering this advice based on the unique needs of the client, or are they potentially projecting their own biases or experiences onto the situation?
A good therapist recognizes that each person’s situation is unique and does not apply a one-size-fits-all approach. If a therapist has been hurt by a certain type of relationship or feels strongly about a particular boundary, they may unconsciously push their own perspective onto the client. This can be problematic because it prevents the client from coming to their own conclusions, and it also creates a breach of the therapeutic boundary that is crucial in fostering a healthy counselor-client relationship.
The role of a therapist is not to impose their worldview onto the client but to offer insights and options based on the client’s individual circumstances. Encouraging someone to cut people out of their life without fully understanding the nuances of that relationship may be a form of overstepping professional boundaries. It disregards the complexities of human relationships and the need for individuals to make their own decisions.
3. How can we build resilience without facing challenges?
One of the biggest concerns with the advice to “cut people out of your life” is that it may hinder the development of resilience. If you’re constantly removing people who challenge you, how will you ever learn to face conflict or deal with differences of opinion? Life is full of challenging interactions, differing viewpoints, and even conflict. If we avoid these challenges by cutting people out, we may miss valuable opportunities for growth.
For example, disagreements with friends, family, or colleagues can provide an opportunity to practice skills like communication, negotiation, and emotional regulation. It is through these challenges that we develop resilience and emotional maturity. If we only surround ourselves with people who agree with us, we are not being exposed to diverse perspectives that can help us broaden our worldview and better understand ourselves.
Additionally, there may be situations where a conflict with someone is actually a symptom of a deeper issue, perhaps within ourselves. Engaging with others, even those with whom we disagree, can offer valuable insights into our own emotions, triggers, and reactions. Avoiding people who challenge us can sometimes reinforce our own biases and limit personal growth.
4. Empowerment means letting people make their own choices
If we want to truly empower individuals, we have to trust them to make their own decisions, especially when it comes to relationships. This is particularly important in cases of intimate partner violence (IPV) or domestic violence (DV). As someone who has worked in law enforcement and counseling, I can tell you that forcing a separation in these situations is often not effective. In fact, it can sometimes escalate the tension or make the situation more dangerous.
In therapy, particularly with DV clients, the focus should always be on empowerment. This means allowing individuals to make their own choices, even if those choices are difficult. Empowerment is not about telling someone what to do or giving them a set of rules to follow, it’s about providing the tools and resources for them to make informed decisions. Telling someone to cut a person out of their life without understanding the context of their situation can take away that person’s agency and create an environment of dependence on the therapist rather than self-sufficiency.
5. What to do if your therapist tells you to cut someone off
If your therapist or counselor encourages you to cut someone out of your life without exploring other options or discussing the broader context of the relationship, it’s important to question why they are offering such advice. A therapist should always be open to discussing the rationale behind their recommendations, and if the advice feels one-sided or overly directive, it may be worth seeking a second opinion or considering whether that therapeutic relationship is truly serving your best interests.
Remember, therapy should be a space where you feel supported in making your own decisions, not pressured into making drastic changes. Trust your instincts, and if you feel uncomfortable with the advice you’re receiving, don’t hesitate to ask for clarification or seek a different perspective.
Final thoughts
While it’s tempting to take the shortcut of simply cutting toxic people out of our lives, the truth is that relationships are complex. The advice to “cut people out” may sometimes be appropriate, but it is not a universal solution. Instead, we should focus on setting healthy boundaries, building resilience, and empowering ourselves and others to make decisions that align with our values and needs. Therapy should be about helping individuals develop the tools and confidence to navigate life’s challenges, not about imposing rigid rules about who should stay or go.
Ultimately, the choice is yours. It’s your life, your relationships, and your mental health. The role of a counselor is to help you navigate these challenges, not to make decisions for you.
Read more from Brian R Basham
Brian R Basham, Counsellor
Brian is an experienced counsellor and educator who focuses on men's mental health and encourages employers to focus on their employees' mental health- a focus for his PhD research. He has developed a tool to build effective resilient relationships, and from his experience in policing, has identified five levels of critical thinkers and an assessment tool to guide critical thinking development. Although he has lived with a brain injury for over 30 years, he has achieved a number of academic qualifications and learned to pivot when an obstacle appears. His life motto is "refuse to lose".
