What We’ve Gotten Wrong About Resilience
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 17
- 13 min read
Updated: Jul 18
Fabio da Silva Fernandes knows what it's like to stumble. In 2021, he left his long career in the fintech industry to start his own wellness practice focused on mindfulness and Reiki, and now he explores the complex topic of resilience on his inspiring podcast called, The Stumbling Spirit.
As part of my wellness practice, I explore the topic of resilience cultivation on my podcast, The Stumbling Spirit. I’ve also delivered talks on this complex topic. What I’ve learned over the past three years of hosting my show is that there are many facets of resilience. How we individually relate to and understand that term really depends on our unique experiences, our approach to life’s challenges, and our personal growth. Although I am still developing a comprehensive definition of resilience, based on my personal reflection and the insights from various guests on my podcast, the following is what I know to be true about this inspiring and sometimes triggering term at this point in time.
What we’ve been told
Until recently many of the definitions that I saw circulating online framed resilience as the ability to overcome, recover from or bounce back from adversity. This simplistic view focuses too much on the outcome of overcoming rather than the qualities and actions that can support that outcome. Now I’m seeing phrases like “the ability to adapt” and “the capacity to withstand” to life’s adversities as the essence of resilience. Although adaptation and capacity are important elements of resilience, these definitions don’t offer a full picture of what this actually means. And, the word “withstand” is problematic because it infers that we remain unchanged by life’s challenges, and I don’t believe this is true. In general, I have noticed that standard definitions of resilience over emphasize the idea of overcoming or the need to meet a certain threshold to be considered resilient. What message does this send to the many thousands or perhaps millions of people who are unable to overcome an undesirable circumstance? The hard truth is that there are no guarantees.
The reality of resilience
Although I am still unpacking the complexity and vastness of the meaning of resilience, at its core it’s about: the specific qualities we harness and the actions we take that support our well-being and desire to overcome undesirable circumstances and/or achieve favourable outcomes, and it’s the will and drive to keep on trying when we fall short.
So there’s an element of hope and faith that whatever we’re doing for our betterment is progressing us forward, but again there are no guarantees.
Does it mean that someone who doesn’t overcome adversity isn’t resilient? Absolutely not! For example, there are many people who experience financial hardships, sometimes throughout their entire lifetime. Such a person can still take steps towards improving their financial situation and increasing their financial freedom, but it doesn’t mean that they will ultimately overcome their financial hardship. And this is what the standard definition of resilience gets wrong. Overcoming is an outcome which isn’t guaranteed and it doesn’t take into account the valuable work that precedes it. Case in point, someone might make an honest living, work more than one job, and save as much money as they can, but still find it hard to make ends meet (i.e. put food on the table, pay bills and make rent). While it’s possible that they might not have made all of the best investment and spending choices, there’s a dimension of and allowance for missteps along the way and learning from mistakes which are fundamental to building resilience. This is where the adaptation piece comes in.
Resilience is built over a lifetime and although it doesn’t guarantee expected outcomes, it is a pathway to learning, transformation, and discovering our purpose(s).
Three parts of resilience
Characteristics - i.e., courage, humility, compassion, curiosity, self-awareness, flexibility, adaptability
Actions - i.e. introspection, truth-seeking, mindfulness, self-care, planning, taking steps
Outcomes - The characteristics or qualities that we embody combined with taking actions that support our well-being to achieve healthier outcomes are essential to support our desire to overcome undesirable circumstances and reach new heights.
Increasing our capacity for resilience
I mentioned earlier about the allowance for and necessity of taking missteps or stumbling along our journey and learning from our mistakes as key elements to building greater resilience. Part and parcel with this is taking risks and chances that might be scary to shift from an undesirable/unwanted circumstance to something better than our existing situation. The caveat is that the actions we take support our greatest well-being, i.e., doing things that are lawful and ethical, from a place of integrity and rooted in compassion towards oneself and others.
The more we surrender to our fears (as opposed to resist them) and challenge our perceived limits through courage, we will be able to move the needle forward and increase our capacity of resilience.
Resilience categories
As I said, there are many facets of resilience and many areas of life that might support and also challenge our ability to be resilient. Below are some examples I’ve come up with (but there are many more):
Academic
When supportive: Understanding concepts, like teachers and classmates, doing well in school.
When challenging: Difficulty learning and studying, taking tests, completing assignments, meeting deadlines, financial pressures, food insecurity, bullying.
Community
When supportive: Safe neighborhood, friendly neighbors, supportive group affiliations (i.e., cultural, running, church, etc.).
When challenging: Unsafe neighborhood (i.e., drugs, crime, violence), unkind neighbors, war zone, part of a targeted group (i.e., bigotry).
Emotional
When supportive: In a space of love and compassion, joyful.
When challenging: Not looking at/ignoring difficult emotions (i.e., anger, resentment, sadness, fear, frustration, etc.); navigating/managing difficult emotions.
Familial
When supportive: Experiencing consistent love and support, when family shows up in good times and bad, healthy communication.
When challenging: Grief/bereavement, family violence and abuse, unresolved pain and trauma, lingering resentments, inconsistency, fractured family unit, no/toxic communication.
Financial
When supportive: Consistent cash flow, enough money to provide for oneself and dependents, ability to save money, flexibility to spend on extras (i.e., travel, dentist, self-care, etc.).
When challenging: Lack of consistent cash flow to support self and family (i.e., can’t afford rent, bills, and food), financial stress.
Health
When supportive: In good health, can afford healthcare, positive experiences with the healthcare system, accessible healthcare options, in control of treatment/healing journey, good support system.
When challenging: Ignoring health problems, chronic health issues, life-threatening illness, navigating unpredictability, faulty medical care (i.e., mistreatment, mishandling, lack of compassion, lack of transparency), weighing treatment options, not in control of treatment/healing journey, in the dying process, caregiver fatigue.
Identity
When supportive: Honest and open about one’s identity (“out and proud”), strong sense of self, compassionate towards self and others, showing allyship.
When challenging: In the closet, hiding the truth, lying to oneself and others, navigating through an ever-changing identity.
Mental/Psychological
When supportive: Positive view/image of oneself, engaging in healthy practices (i.e., mindfulness, journaling, counseling/therapy, etc.), healthy social circle/strong social network, humor/joy.
When challenging: Negative self-talk, stress, burnout, depression, anxiety, in crisis, isolation, despair, addictions.
Physical
When supportive: Active, listening to the body, rest and recovery, physically fit, mobile, engaging in self-care (i.e., physiotherapy, massage, stretching, exercising, etc.).
When challenging: Overworking the body, leading a sedentary lifestyle, ignoring injuries, not resting enough.
Practical (Basic Tasks and Daily Regimens)
When supportive: Following a daily routine, maintaining hygiene (i.e., showering, brushing teeth, grooming, wearing clean clothes), doing chores, general cleanliness.
When challenging: Not taking care of oneself and the home, not adhering to a routine/schedule.
Professional
When supportive: Liking the job, manager, and team; feeling valued, recognized, and rewarded for good work/achievements; compensated appropriately; clarity on career path.
When challenging: Unhappy with career, unsupportive manager, uncollaborative colleagues, poorly compensated, interpersonal issues with manager and co-workers, dealing with unreasonable clients, feeling stuck, lack of ambition.
Relationship
When supportive: Surrounded by friends/partner who have your best interest at heart; functional relationships based on trust, respect, honesty, and reciprocity; healthy communication.
When challenging: Breakups; end of friendships; dysfunctional relationships; disrespect, distrust, and dishonesty; toxic communication.
Spiritual
When supportive: Connected to vitality/true self/divine nature; drive to live a full and joyful life; partaking in healthy spiritual rituals (i.e., meditation, prayer, affirmations, gratitudes, walks in nature, etc.).
When challenging: Disconnected from oneself; general loss of faith and hope (i.e., self, humanity, future, God).
What to know
The word "resilience" itself can bring up uncomfortable emotions. This is what is important to know:
Resilience is personal: One’s understanding and capacity of resilience is different from person to person based on life experiences, and arguably its foundation is first learned or understood from family and community.
Nobody else’s business: Each individual’s experience of resilience is unique and valid – our expectation of someone else’s resilience is none of our business.
No excuse for judgement: Do not judge the resilience of communities who deal with societal and systemic injustice and discrimination.
We all impact one another: We can positively or negatively impact someone else’s resilience based on our words and actions.
Related article: 7 Habits That Made Me Emotionally Strong and Financially Unstoppable
12 tips on increasing your resiliency
1. Listen to people’s stories
I truly believe that the building blocks of cultivating resilience from childhood are through listening to the stories of parents and grandparents (i.e., how long it took them to commute to school, the hard-fought journey of immigrating to a new country, etc.). By listening to the wisdom of our elders, we can see more possibilities in how to navigate life and build greater resilience through the struggles that our families and ancestors faced and the lessons they learned. There’s a wealth of knowledge and wisdom that we can gain not only at home but from the wider community. We can learn from each other if we just listen to and read about the inspirational stories of others. The beauty of resilience is that we each have a unique journey with unique experiences that challenge us and help us grow, and it’s this precious wisdom that can guide us and others going forward. In these times of divisiveness, it’s important to listen to voices and experiences that are different from our own—not only to gain knowledge and understanding but to increase our empathy and compassion.
2. Help others and our planet
When we help others (i.e., family, friends, strangers, animals, trees, nature), we recognize the connection we have to them and realize that we can have positive impacts on their resilience. The compassion piece is so important in helping to reduce the suffering of others and our world. Compassion taps into our hearts and allows us to meaningfully connect with others in a way where they become our mirror, offering us greater insights about ourselves and how we all have a part to play in building and sustaining our collective resilience.
3. Connect with yourself
As you navigate through challenging situations, you can introduce self-care activities that can release stress, boost mood, improve focus, and support your overall wellness (i.e., walking, running, working out, mindfulness, Reiki, massage, etc.). Not only do these activities help build greater resilience, but they are also opportunities to connect with and build a relationship with yourself and the world around you.
4. Start healthy habits
Start habits that support resilience cultivation (i.e., journaling, daily gratitudes, forest bathing, etc.). It might also mean starting a new routine that will help you achieve a goal (i.e., setting aside two hours every day for creativity). When we engage in healthy habits that support our well-being, it serves as scaffolding to protect us as we work through difficult situations.
5. Break patterns that no longer serve you
This is easier said than done. If you want to get healthier, eat healthier food. If you want to get fitter, step up your exercises. If you are giving more to others and neglecting yourself, instill greater balance in your life where you have more quality "me-time" to read, start a new hobby, etc. Part of breaking patterns is determining what needs your attention that perhaps you’ve been ignoring. Maybe it’s emotional pain or trauma, or a difficult conversation that you have been avoiding with your partner/spouse, or a goal you want to achieve. Unless we break these old patterns, we will continue to run into obstacles and struggle through life.
6. Set boundaries
Sometimes it can be hard to set boundaries with friends and family, but it’s necessary to ensure that your integrity and values are not being compromised. This could mean being forthright with a loved one about how we feel about a given situation and recalibrating the relationship in such a way that safe parameters are set up and tensions are diffused. It could also mean ending relationships with toxic people.
7. Focus and consistency
This step might be really hard for someone dealing with a health crisis that is potentially life-threatening. There can be so much unpredictability and emotional upheaval in this scenario that the only thing to do is tend to one’s needs from moment to moment. That being said, in a general sense, it’s essential to maintain consistency with your game plan in dealing with a given situation and/or achieving a goal.
For example, if you’re working on a passion project or business, do something every day to move the needle forward. Even if it isn’t successful, you will learn from the process, and this experience will open new doors of possibilities. However, you can’t have consistency without focus, which is another part of this picture. We live in a society where we are often measured by the number of things on our schedule, from career pursuits to physical activities to hobbies to travel, etc. While these activities might be of genuine interest and gratifying in ways, doing all of them might not be fueling our tank. In fact, they might be draining us of energy. When we over-schedule our lives, it is unlikely that we’ll be able to perform each activity optimally.
This can cause us frustration and impact our ability to be resilient. One way around this is to focus on the activities that are most important to us at this point in time and set the others aside for now. When we focus on the most important items that will help us toward achieving a goal or milestone, chances are we will have the time and energy to be our very best and not underperform. Another dimension of focus is avoiding distractions (i.e., social media). Perhaps set aside certain hours in the day to use your smartphone to avoid being distracted and remain focused. Mindfulness is an excellent tool that you can use to help increase your focus.
8. Change directions if needed
While follow-through is important to achieve goals and desired outcomes, don’t be afraid to course-correct if needed. We never really know if something will work unless we try it out. There’s a fine balance, though, because you don’t want to get yourself into a cycle of not seeing things through just because life gets too tough or you happen to have a temporary lack of interest. So, while it’s important to be flexible, it’s also important to stay the course when it really counts. Only you can be the judge of that, but if you’ve set up your scaffolding correctly, you’ll have the awareness to know whether your decision is fear-based or not.
9. Forgive yourself and others
Forgiveness of oneself and others is so important in anyone’s evolution. If we don’t forgive, we won’t be able to progress forward. This is such a crucial element of building greater resilience because the shackles of the past are no longer weighing you down, and it opens up a new flow of energy to enter your life with new possibilities. Let things go.
10. Surround yourself with good people
This is critically important. Surround yourself with people who have your best interest at heart—friends and acquaintances who are empathic and compassionate. Energy is key to resilience. Anything you can do to limit the possibility of your energy being depleted is crucial, so avoid relationships with passive aggressive people. Form connections that are rooted in trust, respect, kindness and general reciprocity. This doesn’t only extend to your social circle but professionally, too.
11. Ask and accept help from others
You will be amazed at how many people are open to offering help and advice when asked. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. It doesn’t mean that people will always say yes, but as you navigate the challenges of life and/or work toward achieving a goal, reach out to people with the insights and know-how to guide you. This might mean reaching out to family and friends or seeking a new therapist. From a business perspective, collaborating with another entrepreneur might benefit the success of your venture. Sometimes people don’t ask for help for fear of appearing weak or incapable, but doing so actually builds on your strength and confidence to meet your goals in partnership with others, with a community. Being in the wellness space, I can tell you that I have benefited from the community of practitioners who have been willing to help me, and I have tried to do the same in kind. Asking for help and offering help is so important in building collective resilience.
12. Cultivate a spiritual practice
These are activities you can do to develop a deeper connection with your being in ways that help you understand your purpose and what you might need at any given moment for support, i.e., mindfulness, prayer, journaling, daily gratitudes, creativity, walking in nature, etc. With greater awareness, these moments of connection lead us on a journey of discovering our true nature, which ultimately benefits our resilience because we become rooted in clarity and truth.
Recap and learn more about resilience
I’m still working on developing a comprehensive definition, but fundamentally, resilience is a combination of characteristics and actions that support our well-being and the desired outcome of overcoming undesirable circumstances and/or achieving favorable outcomes. It’s also the drive and will to continue trying when we don’t succeed.
There are certain qualities, such as courage, humility, and compassion, which open a door for us to look deeply within ourselves, connect with our truth, and fully sense what we might need at any given moment to take the necessary steps to facilitate changes and improvements in our lives.
"The Stumbling Spirit" exemplifies resilience cultivation. Stumbling is when we fall and get up again. This might be due to life situations and unforeseen circumstances that challenge us on a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual level. It’s about how we navigate through adversity, the goals we want to accomplish, learning from our mistakes, and how making better choices supports our well-being and our ability to achieve healthier outcomes. It’s this idea that drives my podcast, which serves as a platform for sharing stories and insights to help people build greater resilience.
To learn more, book me for a talk and consultation today. To listen to The Stumbling Spirit Podcast, click here or find it on your favorite podcast streaming platform.
Read more from Fabio da Silva Fernandes
Fabio da Silva Fernandes, Resilience, Mindfulness, and Reiki Enthusiast
For most of his professional career, Fabio da Silva Fernandes worked in the tech industry as a customer support leader. About a decade ago, Fabio began his mindfulness journey incorporating the practice of presence into his life on a regular basis. In his pursuit of personal wellness, Fabio attained several mindfulness certifications and in 2018, delved into the world of energy work and started his Reiki training. Fabio is now a certified Reiki Master and Reiki Master Teacher. In 2021, Fabio left his career in fintech to launch his own wellness business called, Resting Bell Wellness Inc., which is now branded under the name of his resilience podcast, The Stumbling Spirit.
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