What Is The First Step Towards Authenticity?
Written by: Irina Costea, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
In the field of transformational coaching, we always talk about the BIG dream. Even though this term may be uncomfortable for the majority of us, I always explain to my clients that there is a difference between a dream and a goal: a dream is your heart’s desire, a goal is a mean or a step towards your dream.
And there are not rare the occasions in which clients come to me with the dream of living authentically or finding themselves. To be able to have a quick and clear answer at the question: WHO AM I?
You would think that in a world where we have so much information at hand, people will be able to respond in a second at the question “who are you”? The truth is, the world nowadays is a very distracting place.
Internet, devices, streaming services, online shopping, burning out for your job, these are all distractions from what really matters: the connection with ourselves. If you are not paying attention consciously, it is very easy to get lost in these distractions and to get on autopilot.
So where do we begin when it comes to being authentic?
It all starts with, you guessed it, connecting with ourselves.
It is very interesting that people think they NEED a purpose or a meaning, but they don’t have their even most basic needs fulfilled.
If you look at small children, you will see that at any given time they are attuned with their needs, their boundaries, with how they feel.
A lot of us were not allowed to express these needs and boundaries as children (because we had to be quiet, we had to give people the right impression, because it was the polite thing to do), so we had to disconnect ourselves from them, in order to be able to push them away.
This later translates into adults that are unable to have boundaries with themselves or with others (we have difficulties in saying "no", we remain in toxic environments, we have a tendency to please others), in adults that drive themselves over the edge of burnout just to achieve status (we work too much, we put our jobs in front of our physical and mental health). There are a lot of examples that could fit in here, but I am sure you got the idea.
The thing is that in order to reconnect, you have to start from the basics. Like, really basic things.
Because you cannot meet your superior needs if the basic ones are not met. Basic needs can mean: physical safety, healthy nutrition, movement, rest, taking care of your body, emotional safety, feeling heard and seen, authenticity, secure attachment, and the list can go on and on.
A lot of people come to coaching in order to fulfill their superior needs (to find who they are, what's their purpose/meaning), but they are not rested, they are drained emotionally and physically and they lack the resources that they need in order to jump to the next level.
Connecting with yourself starts with connecting with your body. You can think about your superior psychological needs, only when your basic needs are fulfilled.
Being connected with your body means being attuned to your nervous system.
How does your body feel when you are in fight/flight/freeze?
How does your body respond when a situation doesn’t suit you well?
How does your body feel when something makes your heart sing?
Authenticity means being attuned with your true self, with your needs. This translates into also being attuned with your boundaries, with your NO GO zones.
When you live authentically, YOU KNOW what is good for you, what is bad for you, and what you NEED.
Usually, my clients start with this very simple, but effective practice:
Set 3 random alarms/day. When the alarm goes on, don’t snooze it. Scan your body from the top of your head to your toes for any tensions, unmet physiological needs, pains. After the scan, ask yourself a few times:
What do I need right now?
At first, you won’t notice a lot of things. But in order to know your superior psychological needs, first you have to meet the most basic ones.
The idea of the practice is to get to know your body and how it responds in any kind of situation. In random times of the day, when maybe you are in fight/flight, you can notice how your body feels: maybe you have tension in your jaw, in your shoulders. Maybe you observe that you are hungry and you have been so caught up in your work that you forgot to meet one of the most basic needs: THE NEED FOR FOOD (hello, survival instincts?).
Maybe when you ask yourself what you need, what comes up is silence (this is my most common one, with a toddler and 25 clients/week), or ice cream, or a massage. These are all signals that your mind is sending you. Begin listening to them.
Your mind may be screaming for a vacation, which is a clear sign that you need rest. If you can’t take a vacation, take 1-2 days off, sleep, read, do something that replenishes you.
How can you listen to what your purpose is whispering to you if you don’t listen to your body saying that it needs nutrition, movement, or whatever it needs right now?
The mind and body are connected. You cannot work with your mind without involving the body, and you cannot work with your body without involving the mind. When we work on rewiring belief systems, we also work with the body, with emotions, with physical traces that emotion leave behind (ever wonder why you get a lump in your throat when you are about to speak in front of people? Ever wondered why your hands get cold when you have to deliver a big project? Hint: it’s your body trying to keep you safe from the potential danger of being hurt, shamed, called out). Ever wondered why your heart feels physically warm when you look at someone you love? It's your body trying to tell you that the presence of this person right here, soothes your nervous system.
I challenge you to set the time for yourself a few minutes per day, and gather info. Observe yourself, observe your actions and how it feels TO BE in your body. You will learn so much about how you treat yourself, how you think about yourself, about the world and about what matters. And next time, we will jump one step forward, and we will talk about the importance of meta-awareness in emotional regulation.
Irina Costea, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Irina Costea is a Transformational & NeuroMindfulness Coach® and a former HR Professional. After a severe postpartum depression scattered with suicidal thoughts, Irina discovered Positive Psychology and the power of coaching. Once enrolled in the coaching school, she soon realized that her personal mission is to help other people unlock their true potential through practices of neuroscience and mindfulness. She believes that only by mapping and following your fears and blockages you can live authentically. Because only when you use them as your stepping stones you can connect to yourself again.
Costea has been trained as a Coach at CoachVille, one of the first coaching schools in the world, and as a NeuroMindfulness® Practitioner at the NeuroMindfulness® Institute. She also worked as a Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist for one of the biggest travel platforms in the world.
